Well, I have had my session with Steve today and it was v useful. I will be using this post as an aide memoire of my call, but the upshot as far as this thread is concerned is that sf in my situation is good.
Steve was concerned to establish firstly whether my action was seeing any progress being made with my h and agreed from description of the situation pre and post sf that it clearly was. Steve then established what my energy levels were like and whether I had the strength to continue. If I didnt have the strength to continue, I would be in danger of making mistakes and looking bad. He said I needed to be in touch with myself and if the weeks started getting progressively harder to get through then that would be time for Plan B. Steve agreed that I had not reached that point.
Steve also said that I needed to establish boundaries so I would feel safer and would last longer. He said it was all about demonstrating change to make me more attractive and show that our future would be different/better to our past. I needed to let him know in a non threatening way that his actions were hurting me. I also needed to show him that I was making the changes for myself and they are about who I am. However, he needed to know that his actions would affect what we do together, so he knows the changes are genuine and not affected by him.
Steve reiterated that I should engage in sex if I enjoyed it and not if I felt used. If I felt used then it should be declined as a boundary but that I should explain why I was refusing, ie it hurt too much and not b/c I was declining out of control or disinterest.
Steve said I should set my own timescale but not tell h about it, just announce it when the time came.
Steve said I should avoid disrespecting the ow and avoid direct education of my h. But, I should try and start soft comments so he can start to see what she is doing and her manipulation. This needs to be handled carefully and I should backtrack if he gets defensiuve. h needs to know that hge doesnt owe her anything.
Steve said I should not tell her about h lies to her but that it couldnt harm if other people who knew the truth re xmas told her so long as I was not implicated.
Steve told me to talk about my feelings in certain situations but not to mention them out of the blue or unsolicited.
He emphasised that plan A was about demonstrating change and that my progress was demonstrated by h wanting to spend more time with me. He also said that it would probably get worse before it got better - not sure I liked that part!
LH
