I've been reading here for a few months but really need some help and felt it was time to share my story too.

D-day for me was 7/4/02, while on vacation with our 3yo dd. I've been through the gamet of emotions - anger, disbelief, shock, you name it. But, a bigger problem than even the affair is WH's alcohol problem. We've been married 8 1/2yrs, but have been together 14yrs. His dad was an abusive alcoholic (sober now 20+ yrs, but he's mainly estranged from the family), so family life for WH was very dysfunctional growing up.

I had asked him to work on our marriage, go to counseling, etc, but he wouldn't end contact w/ OW (works w/ him and we all work for the same company, though I work in the corporate office, they in a satellite office). He has never admitted to a sexual affair, though I know better. He did tell me "I'm not in love w/ you" and he was in love with her. I asked him to move out and we have now been separated since 11/15 - he moved into an apt, though he comes to the house quite often to spend time w/ our dd.

He was drinking heavily (7 days/wk) while he was still here and was horribly verbally abusive to me. So, it's been a relief that he's out of the house. But, he's still drinking and seems so angry all the time. I know I can't "fix" him -- al-anon has helped me tremendously and I started going a few months ago to meetings locally here in town.

I've read this site extensively and have His Needs/Her Needs, Love is Tough(?) by Dobson, Surviving an Affair & After the Affair. I have definately worked on myself and have been doing a pretty good Plan A, but it's so hard at times because he's so critical when he's been drinking.

I've really detached from him, in a loving way, and hope and pray that he hits bottom soon. In the interim, I am getting finances in order and taking steps to protect myself and dd, but I'm so sad too.

I'm just looking for support and any advice on coping w/ an alcoholic -- one who has not admitted the severity of his abuse problem. I really don't know if he'll ever deal with it, but on the other hand I don't know how long I can go on like this. I will NOT raise my daughter in an alcoholic household, absolutely not.

I'm so sad, but everyone around me is telling me how strong I am -- why do I feel so weak?

Thanks for listening...
Rosedust

Rosedust,

I was with an alcoholic for 14 years, married to him for 10 1/2 yrs. It was pure hell!!! I tried everything I could think of to make the marriage work but he ended up getting caught by me with another woman and moved out the same day. He was physically abusive to me and verbally abusive to our sons. I know I should have gotten out of the marriage sooner but I believed that I could change him, something that is not uncommon.

The sad part is, and I know you realize this, you can't make any changes happen. It's just basically a waiting game. If you're willing to do that, I wish you much luck. It is possible for things to work that way. Unfortunately, or fortunately (however you want to look at it), my marriage did not work. I plan A'd for a long time. Never really did a plan B. I still plan A to the best of my abilities for the sake of my children. Plus if he gets me to LB then I will have sunk to his level and I'll feel as if he's won.

It's been 3 years since he left and life is much better. For the 3rd straight Christmas, my Christmas tree hasn't been knocked over by an angry drunk. My children are not exposed to that lifestyle. And I'm not getting my butt kicked by him whenever he feels the need. I remarried earlier this year to a man who is perfect for me.

My ex is still the angry drunk. Just this evening he tried to start an argument with me. I refused to let that happen. He is the type of father who pops in and out every few months, and blames the kids and I for his lack of visitation. Luckily my children have a wonderful step-father.

If you want, you can do a search of my older posts. I posted like a mad woman starting in 12/99! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Luck and love,
Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

BTW, I heard all of the things about me being strong when I just wanted to crawl into a hole. I guess when we have to, we can at least manage to appear that way. When there are children to take care of, we do whatever it takes to take care of them. Don't worry, it's natural to feel weak, especailly when you've been abused by someone.

Mitzi <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Rosedust,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm just looking for support and any advice on coping w/ an alcoholic -- one who has not admitted the severity of his abuse problem. I really don't know if he'll ever deal with it, but on the other hand I don't know how long I can go on like this. I will NOT raise my daughter in an alcoholic household, absolutely not </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Unfortunatley I can say that I qualify for the above and sorry that you are in this position. I am very tired and have an early morning so this will be a short post but I'll be back.My WH is an alcoholic and has not admitted he has a problem.
He has straightened up for periods of time and gone off the deep end more than once.

I wish that I had really grasped the alanon program 17 years ago, but I didn't. It was only since July (02) that I have started to work the program. Right now I am going through a regret stage and keep thinking that if I had to do it over, I would not have stayed with WH. But I have 3 great kids so it's hard not to image any of them.

It sounds like you have a pretty good handle on yourself and are doing the right things but are looking for some markers or ways to determine whether or not you stay in this M. How long have you been in alanon?

I not only have the alanon program but have 10 years sobriety myself. It is very helpful for me to sit in open AA meetings as well as alanon.

OK, I'm fading fast, gotta get to bed. I'm sure others will be along to post as there are a few of us - some on the DV board as well. You may want to post a link there to get different perspectives.

D.

RD,

I respect your position in wanting to protect your children from the effects of an alcoholic father.

My ex-h was an alcoholic, and unfortunately his bottom was lower than losing me. However I have to say that I learned so much by going through the process of trying to make it through recovery with him. Alanon, AA Open Meetings in particular were helpful. Then when he went to a 30 day in-patient treatment program, and I participated with him even though we were divorced at the time.

I still loved him and wanted to be a part of his recovery in even though we were divorced. I leaned so much for me.

I even got to the point where I thanked him because I liked me so much better as a result of learning everything I did as a result of his illness. But still I'm sad for all the pain caused by his illness. Everyone who loved him was touched.

You are setting a good example for your children, showing them that his behavior is not acceptable, and that you're willing to do what it takes to protect them.

Others will come along and post more relevant help. I just wanted to say how much I admire your handling of this situation. Blessings, CSue

Rosedust -

Welcome! Glad another lurker has joined the party, although I'm sorry for the reasons...

Rosedust, I am an alcoholic. What I may be able to offer you is the alcoholic's frame of mind. How the disease progress', etc.

In the few statements you've written, it sounds like the classic, angry at the world, poor me, everyone else is responsible for my problems attitude that is prevelant with alcoholism. If you have any questions that an alcoholic can help you with then please ask.

A couple of days ago I started a thread that you may want to read:

Alcoholics/Addicts - What made you change?

Stay true to yourself and your kids. Right now your H probably won't... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Gib

Thank you everyone for responding to me. I feel so relieved to finally have a place to "let it out" and say whatever is on my mind. I'm so confused at times - do I want to hang in there and try to save this marriage, do I want to divorce, I don't know...I know I still love my H, but not the person he's become. It's as though he's someone I don't even know anymore, though flashes of the tender, loving man come through every so often.

There's so much more history to our story -- our dd is our miracle after 3yrs of infertility treatment. About 9mths after her birth, WH's oldest sister was diagnosed w/ pancreatic cancer and died a few months later. She left behind three young children, and this really shattered my H. He's the youngest of 5 and they were never really that close growing up, but they got extremely close when she was dying -- I know that he's never gotten over her death, or even dealt with it for that matter -- it's been just over 2yrs now since she died and our marriage really started to become affected at that time.

He really withdrew from me and I just threw myself into caring for our daughter, basically shutting him out as well. He started confiding in a woman at work (she's also got tons of issues) and well, you know, the rest is history.

I'm really trying to keep myself busy w/ work, our daughter, friends, etc, in order to keep my sanity. I started anti-depressants back in August and they've also helped to stabilize my moods & the constant crying, etc.

I found this site after I had begged him to work on the marriage, go to counseling, etc. So, I LB'd a bit in the beginning, but have been much better since early September. Though, as I start feeling stronger, it seems as though he just continues to spiral downward.

Gibby, I so appreciate your answering my thread --and congrats on your sobriety! I can see my H spiraling downward before my eyes, and it is so heartbreaking. But, on the other hand, he can be so mean and cutting at times, and I just HATE him. Did you also go through a period of hating life, blaming everyone else for your problems, being angry all the time, etc? I just don't see how he'll ever come out of it.

I have so much more to write, but need to get my thoughts together some more. He took dd out sleigh riding so I'm off to run some errands by myself.

Hugs & many thanks to all,
RD

Gibby,
BTW, I have been reading that post you referenced. It actually gave me the courage to finally start posting my story.

Thank you!

Rosedust wrote:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did you also go through a period of hating life, blaming everyone else for your problems, being angry all the time, etc? I just don't see how he'll ever come out of it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">OH YES!! 'King of Pity ME Land' right here! It was my wife's fault for not wanting to make love to me. It was my boss' fault for not appreciating my talents. It was my kids' fault for the house being messy. The world had a problem. NOT ME! You don't like my drinking? Tough [censored]. That's your problem, not mine.

Anger?? My face forgot what it felt like to smile... Like I said, when everyoine else is at fault, that makes me angry!

I had one friend that understood me. Appreciated me. And yes, loved me. That was Jack Daniels, his cousin the Turkey, thier best bud Mr. Bud, etc., etc., etc.

Rosedust, your husband has to hit bottom in order to get better. I think you know that by now. You also know that you have zero, zip, notta control over his actions. Don't cushion his fall...

You sound strong and level headed. Stay that way <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> .

Saying a prayer for you...

Gib

^Bump for Rosie^

Hi Rosedust,

Alanon is the right place to be, as they keep coming back and it works if you work it. Get a sponsor and get strong in the program, you need the help.

The affair is only a symptom of how bad he has gotten in the alcoholism, for me this is really true. My husband craves approval and acceptance, even when he is doing all the wrong things! The ow's gave him this.

I hope things get better. My home is now more peaceful too, and I really do think wh has to quit drinking to change .. and come home. Will he? Who knows? I would be willing to take him back if he changed all his bad behavior and still drank... but I am not sure that can happen.

I hate this situation. It is so sad seeing the love of your life drown themselves with the bottle and hate you while they do it!!

Hugs to you, I know what it is like, exactly.

Please stay around, this site has helped me tremendously....

Hugs, Honey

Well, he actually stayed for dinner tonite - I had made lasagna and the three of us ate together (rare occasion).

He was awful last nite when I got home from work, but I didn't bite when he was trying to pick a fight w/ me. Thank goodness he left soon after I got home. Today when he came to get dd, I was friendly to him, but I can tell that the reality of our situation is starting to sink in -- he can't hide our separation from people anymore.

The weird thing is, he hasn't officially told any of our friends, except the two that were there on d-day (long story there, for another day). It's funny, I thought I didn't really have any close friends here, especially b/c they were mostly the wives of his friends. But, one friend has really come to be a true godsend -- our daughters are the same age, in the same preschool class and her husband is WH's close friend from grade school. He knows everything, but WH hasn't told him a thing. He initially found out from a mutual friend and has also talked w/ me and of course, his wife. WH has had numerous opportunities to talk w/ him, but I think he's just embarassed, who knows. Crazy stuff.

Honey, I've been following your threads and am glad to hear that Al-Anon is working for you too. I felt so weird going to my 1st meeting back in August, but it felt good too. I try to go to meetings at least once a week.

Right now my husband has so much anger -- though he can't take it out on me anymore because I just don't engage in the fight -- basically took his power away and that feels great. He really needs to go to anger management as well. But, for now, I'm just taking it one day at a time. Tomorrow he's supposed to come back to take dd to the park. I think I'll go visit my parents while he's here.

Hugs,
RD

RD,

There are a number of similarities in our stories ...

RD </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I know that he's never gotten over her death, or even dealt with it for that matter -- it's been just over 2yrs now since she died and our marriage really started to become affected at that time.

He really withdrew from me and I just threw myself into caring for our daughter, basically shutting him out as well. He started confiding in a woman at work (she's also got tons of issues) and well, you know, the rest is history.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WH lost his Dad in May 1999. He has not gotten over it or dealt with it. This started his downward spiral. Our M was really affected. WH spect a lot of time 1200 miles away near our families but when he came home he was mean angry and critical. No one could stand to be around him and couldn't wait for him to leave.

I too attended to the kids and WH found old HS friend who had lost her H & that was OW1.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I can see my H spiraling downward before my eyes, and it is so heartbreaking. But, on the other hand, he can be so mean and cutting at times, and I just HATE him. Did you also go through a period of hating life, blaming everyone else for your problems, being angry all the time, etc? I just don't see how he'll ever come out of it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is so typical of an alcoholic, the downward spiral. They blame everyone else for everything. Denial, anger, blamee and resentful. This is a hard one for me because people can and do change. I was there as an alcoholic. I am a new person thanks to the grace of God. From sitting in AA meetings for 10 years, I have seen miracles, so I know they happen, they just don't happen on my time frame, with the ones I want and my way.
On one knows what it will take another person to hit the bottom that is the start of a new life.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> But, one friend has really come to be a true godsend -- </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The same thing happened to me, a life long friend fo WH's told me everything !!! I was shocked and we both laugh about it - who would have guessed!?!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> He was awful last nite when I got home from work, but I didn't bite when he was trying to pick a fight w/ me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Right now my husband has so much anger -- though he can't take it out on me anymore because I just don't engage in the fight -- basically took his power away and that feels great. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">After a while I got to the same point that you did, I stopped the cycle. At first WH kept trying, then he did it to who ever would play his "game". After a while, he spent more and more time away from home & found OW2. At first I was upset but came to realize that it was a complement to me. Those who are sick, only want to spend time with others who are sick. If you get healthy then they no longer want to be around you. That turned out to be a compliment to me.

RD, keep posting this is a safe place to vent, to question, to cry, to laugh at ourselves, to learn and grow.

BrambleRose will probably be by at some point. I have learned so much from her posts here. It was because of what she said on these boards that I turned myself over to alanon in July of this year. I had spent 17 years in and out of alanon but didn't get it. (Not till now)

My alanon group is doing a step study (which I haighly reco.) There is so much comming up for me which is good so that it can be processed and dealt with.

You sound like your on the right track, just need some clarity.

God Bless,

D.

<small>[ December 29, 2002, 03:24 PM: Message edited by: WillGetThruThis ]</small>

Ugh, I just printed his cellular bill and of course, there's just tons of calls to the OW (outgoing as well as incoming).

I bought him a cell phone for his bday since he was moving out -- he's never handled the bills, it's always been me, so he didn't even think twice about the billing. I have the online billing so I can also see the minutes as he's accruing them as well, though I don't know who he calls till I get the detail each month.

I don't know why I bother sometimes...he's just so screwed up w/ the alcohol issue - the OW is the least of my worries. I honestly don't know if I even have it in me to fight for this marriage anymore - I just wonder if he even wants to change or sees how much damage has been done. It's as though he's totally oblivious. He plays w/ our dd, but he's the "fun" parent -- I'm the one that has to handle all the issues. It gets very tiring, to say the least.

WGTT --
Your post really struck me when you said that you took it as a compliment that your H moved on to someone else to "play the game" since you would no longer take part in the fighting, etc. It's a good way for me to look at it -- for the longest time I couldn't understand why he keeps gravitating towards this loser. She's 31yo w/ a 15yo daughter -- decided to leave her abusive boyfriend after 15yrs (suddenly when my H "rescues" her) and WH is her knight in shining armor. Pretty pathetic actually. She's a warehouse clerk in their office.

I've been very hurt b/c I'm successful in my job, respected at work, am attractive, loving, loyal, etc. It makes total sense that he would look for someone to have power over, for control, etc. It's as though he's chosen this destructive path and can't change its course -- I'm miserable, depressed, hate life, hate my job -- so I'll just do my best to destroy everything good in my life.

He knows that I'm a strong, intelligent woman and I'll take care of dd and pick up the pieces. But, I don't think he ever counted on me asking him to leave. His mom kicked out his dad, and they ultimately divorced, but she never moved on. She was his "girlfriend" all these years -- and honestly, the kids have a warped sense of family. I cannot and will not live like she did. I'm doing all I can to save this marriage, but I will not do what she did. I also deserve to be happy, to have someone love me completely. I just wish WH could be that person...not sure if he can, or even wants to...

Sorry to be such a downer tonite. I think it's the New Year...so much promise of what could be...don't know where to begin this year. What to do?? How to do it?? Do I hang in there, do I move on? I don't know...

Peace,
RD

RD,

More similarities!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> for the longest time I couldn't understand why he keeps gravitating towards this loser. She's 31yo w/ a 15yo daughter -- decided to leave her abusive boyfriend after 15yrs (suddenly when my H "rescues" her) and WH is her knight in shining armor. Pretty pathetic actually. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It took me a long time to come to that conclusion that it was a compliment. OW2 had been dating a guy for 9 years and suddenly dumped him when WH rescued her. WH told me that he dept telling her to go back to her BF. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I met her at WH's Mom's funeral & I felt as if I had looked into the eyes of Satan. WH had a Christian fish on his lapel & she asked what it was. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">He knows that I'm a strong, intelligent woman and I'll take care of dd and pick up the pieces. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Me too, have already picked up the peices of his actions so far. We are in business together & that complicates things. Both of us together have a whole picture and each of us alone in business would not be as successfull. BUT, there can be no real success when using alcohol and drugs.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry to be such a downer tonite. I think it's the New Year...so much promise of what could be...don't know where to begin this year. What to do?? How to do it?? Do I hang in there, do I move on? I don't know...

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It was suggested to me to take my time and pray for the right decision. I got so tied up in a knot trying to do the right thing. I finally told my sponsor and suggested to me that I just stay in awareness for right now. I started a step study and have started to go go throught the book "In All our affairs, making crisis work for us" - A alanon book. I read it all the way thru then I am taking each section (ex awareness) and writing about the parts that stuck out to me. It's helping me discern all the little parts of letting go.

You will make the right decision at the right time and for the right reasons. You seem to have the right tools and a good head on your shoulders with a realistic outlook.

God Bless,

D.

WGTT,
Amazing how many similarities to our stories! It helps me so much to know someone else has been there done that...

Sometimes I feel like I'm going crazy inside. But, on the outside all that people see is this confident, put together woman who can juggle all sorts of responsibilities, projects, etc. Ha, if they only knew!! Though, my boss is wonderful and I did tell him what I've been going through w/ WH. So, at least that stress has been relieved.

I've been reading the Al-Anon book "Courage to Change". It's helped me put some of my feelings into perspective - and has especially helped me to let go of WH's drinking and the verbal abuse that would always follow during his binges. At least now w/ him out of the house I don't have to deal with most of the fallout from the drinking.

Still sad, but trying to remain strong.

Thank you!
Hugs, RD

It's almost 1am and I can't sleep. I'm having such a bad nite, been crying my eyes out for over an hour now. What is wrong with me?

I haven't cried like this in months. I feel like my marriage is over, there's nothing I can do, and I don't have the strength to carry on this charade. What's the sense?

I think seeing that damn phone bill tonite just set me off again. I don't know why I do that to myself. I need to know the truth, but it just hurts so darn much. He's such a fool, and a drunk one at that.

I'm just so sad...why does it have to be this way? These feelings of despair just came out of left field for me. So much for feeling stronger...

Trying to go back to sleep now.
RD

Well, it's a new day, New Year's Eve, and I'm feeling much better this morning. I guess sometimes I need to "break down" by myself after being so outwardly strong for everyone else.

My New Year's resolution is to keep hanging in there, being the best mother I can be to our miracle dd, and a good wife to my husband. I know I cannot change him, nor the direction he is heading, but I do still love him. We've been through so much together over the years, both good and bad.

We have not spoken about our R at all since he moved out 11/15 - basically just chit chat stuff, etc. Every once in a while he mentions his anger and how it's affecting him -- he's been having chest tightness, anxiety, etc. It's odd (but good, maybe?) that he's talked to me about this. And, I've always been his sounding board for work issues - we both (and OW) work for the same large company, but he & I are both in management and have many mutual contacts, etc. So, he still feels comfortable in "venting" to me b/c I can relate. So, at least we still have common ground for conversation, and it's been pleasant for the most part.

Since I've found MB, I've realized that two of his biggest ENs are recreation & conversation. We used to spend so much time together doing athletic fun things - mountain biking, fishing, etc. I went through quite a depressive period while struggling w/ infertility, then we were blessed w/ a miracle pregnancy. Once our dd was born, we fell into the pattern of not making time for ourselves as a couple. Then, shortly after, his sister was diagnosed w/ cancer and died. So, the downward spiral has been going on for 2-3yrs now. And, we shut each other out, so the conversation went out the window too. And, he found a sympathetic ear in this OW.

Odd thing is, we've always been compatible sexually, and that did not stop during this period. And, we've always been very physical - hugging, holding hands, kissing, etc. The hand holding stopped earlier this year, so that should have sent up a red flag to me...but of course, I was in denial.

I don't want to get into any R talks with him at this time - don't think it would be beneficial, especially considering his drinking. Does anyone agree? But, I was thinking of looking into anger management programs for him and giving him a list of dates/times to attend. He's dead set against counseling, but for some strange reason he doesn't believe that anger management is actual counseling. He's mentioned before that he needs to go to anger mgmt, so maybe this wouldn't be considered a major LB.

In our marriage, I've always done almost everything - the true "giver" & caretaker...making appointments, shopping, getting drycleaning, ironing his pants, etc. Since the A, I've started backing off and allowing him to do these things...becoming more of a "taker" in some respects and it feels good. And, contrary to my original beliefs, he's OK with it. Why should I have to do everything?? He can do laundry, iron, pick up his own shirts, etc.

But, while he's open to the option, I feel that it can't hurt to "lead him to the water" as far as the anger management goes. He's never been one to take the initiative for himself regarding doctors, etc. He'd rather suffer w/ a bad cold for weeks instead of making an appt...but if I made the appt, he'd go.

Any opinions? Thanks for all the advice/support so far. This is a wonderful place.

Peace,
RD

Rosedust:

IMHO, the anger management counseling is a good thing. But it only provides a bandaid for a wound needing stitches. The drinking fuels the anger. It will be like one group of fire fighters trying to put out a fire and another group pouring gasoline on it. As little as 15 mos. ago I felt the same anger as your H. I can not imagine being free of it (like I am today <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) and still drinking.

But that might just be me...

Happy New Year! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Gib

RD,

You asked what's wrong with you? Nothing !! You are reacting normally to a sick situation. I reacted the same way after looking at WH's phone bills. It seemed to bring everything up to the surface. I would cry and stay in my prayer closet (my bathroom). It was part of the process though and I was determined not to stuff it, or be in denial about my feelings and emotions. I just let them flow in safe places.

That's good that you do have contact with him and that he can confide in you about his health and work issues. It's also good that you are sitting back more and not jumping in to do things for him.

Do you know anything about the anger management programs? Do they address alcoholism? I agree with Gibby in that it would be a band aid, but you never know how another will respond. Could be better than anticipated. Just better not to have any expectations.

Do you know any solid sober AA members? If not, I would suggest going to open AA meetings to learn & meet people. When the time is right, you could give your WH a name and a phone # and simply say when your ready to give it up, call this #. And leave it at that. You can decide if you want to go or stay, but if you go, I would suggest giving him a phone #.

WH's biggest EN's are companionship and recreation. I used to do so much with him, then the kids came along and SOMEONE had to take care of them! He found others to fill my shoes.

D.