Any feedback regarding alcohol and possible link to affairs?<P>One of the more obvious shifts I saw in my W's behavior prior to confronting her re: her affair was an increase in drinking alcoholic beverages. It even had gotten to the point where she was hiding empty bottles around the house, hiding empty cardboard beer carriers underneath things, etc. She would even buy booze apart from the normal grocery shop, as if to "sneak" it by me.<BR> <P>In a wierd way, it even seems like the OM helped reenforce an acceptance of this drinking. My children had mentioned that W seems to drink more when she's around OM. And, perhaps my confronting her about the drinking (at the same time I was dealing with confronting her about the affair) helped push her more toward OM and away from me. I believe it is also the basis for why I am deemed to be "controling".<P>I'm not a prude. I enjoy a good drink, but it doesn't run my life. I also worry about the message it sends to my children, their friends who may spend time at our home, and others. But that's another story.<P>I know I'm rambling, but... Any thoughts?<P>-- keystone

I agree with you. My ex-H is an alcoholic. He knew I wanted him to get help, but absolutely refused. This had been an issue with us for years. The girl (I use girl because she is 21, 17 years younger than him) he turned to is a big booze hound. She made it okay for him to drink, and I really believe that is why he chose her. Now he's happy drinking as much as he wants whenever he wants to, plus, he has a drinking partner.<BR>Bailey

My H said that he had the one-night stand (only thing that he admits to) because he was drunk. Well, from my experience with him when he's drunk, I know that there is no way he could have been <B>that</B> drunk and still screwed her. No way and no how.<P>He was drinking an awful lot that whole year, but I don't buy that as an excuse for his screwing around (and yes, I believe that he has cheated more than once.).

My H never drank until he started feeling unhappy with me. When he started drinking and going out, he started his affair with ow. The drinking came first in my case, he didn't hide it, but he didn't openly admit how much he was really drinking. He has almost completely stopped now. Thank God.<BR>But yes I think there is a relationship, especially if they didn't drink in the past.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Mater<P>

Yes, alcohol can play a BIG part in affairs. Figure that when you're drunk or even "tipsy" people usually get really friendly, touchy feely, and totally uninhibited. If you add to this any problems at home, it is a great escape. When people are drunk, they have a distorted outlook on real life - they aren't thinking straight and don't worry about the consequences of their actions. If it feels good, do it. I feel my h's affair would never have taken place if he hadn't been frequenting the bars and getting plastered all the time. It's fun to party and have a good time - and there's no reality there in the bar - no spouse, kids, etc. Just good times and the OP to drink with, party with, etc.etc.etc. The night goes from talking to dancing to touching to ....... Sometimes they can't even remember because they were so hammered. Not that this is an excuse (although they'll try to use it anyway). So yes, I definitely feel there is a relationship between alcohol and affairs.

Thanks to all who responded.<P>I think in my case, the drinking was the escape as mentioned by tmdm. Essentially, it was an escape from reality -- or the unhappiness that my W felt was her reality. Although I can't say she was always "major league" drunk, she was one at least one or two occasions where business partners or friends were present. Embarassing to say the least.<P>I just seems that the recreational drinking became more obvious, despite her atempts to hide it. And, maybe she felt that OM didn't challenge her about any abuse of the alcohol. As a result, he create a safe haven. <P>Mater -- she didn't drink this heavy in past. One or two beers or glass of wine every so often. Not really a "problem".<P>Is three beers/nite average too much? Maybe I'm hypercritical, but I think it is. That's where we're at now. <P>I think there has/had been a marked increase over the last two years. Coincidentally, that's about the time I felt that she was getting involved with OP. I'd love for her to stop, but I don't think I can do it without LBing her. It would defeat the whole Plan A strategy, and would put a negative spin on everything. I've been looking into some AA related sites for research, but again, the cures put me at odds with our marriage recovery. I'm hoping that we can rebuild our marriage first, then address the drinking. Perhaps if she feels better about our relationship, we won't need the escape.<P>-- keystone

Keystone - your story is almost exactly the same as mine. My wife is what I would call an alcoholic. She doesn't drink that often, but when she starts with a beer, she cannot stop. Our marital problems grew into an affair when she started going to "happy hours" with her work buddies. This was where the OM realized she had a drinking problem and took advantage. My wife has told me that the first, and last time she was with him sexually, she was drunk. What is even more sad is that she couldn't remember if he used protection or not...makes me feel real safe about having sex with her again. Anyway, she did attend one AA meeting, and has not had a drop in 6 weeks...but like withdrawl from the OM, it's one day at a time. Be patient with your wife, and with the help of God, hopefully she will realize that her drinking IS a problem, and harmful to your marriage. Best of Luck...

Keystone - Without a doubt in my mind there is a relation between drinking and an affair. My husband is a long-time alcoholic, and has had several affairs with bar sluts (see my profile for the whole story). He has admitted that he would never had done it if he wasn't drunk. The last one that I just found out about was a sleaze bag that he drank with after work. She cheated on her husband (a nice man who didn't drink) with my husband for about 6 months. After my husband confessed (he lied about it and hid it for a long time) he told me that he had to be drunk to be with her, and when he woke up after spending the night with her he felt disgust at what he did and with who. I noticed an increase in the amount of beer he drank. . . during the time he was seeing her he was drinking himself into a stupor every day. On weekends he would start drinking as soon as he finished his morning coffee, and by evening he would be falling down drunk. After we separated, he became a "closet drinker" because he wanted to get custody of our son. He couldn't let anyone see how much he was drinking lest he ruin his chances. Well guess what, the judge saw right through him and gave me custody, the house, plus a large amount of alimony and child support. <P>We were separated for 2 months, divorce is still pending. I have been attending Al-Anon, and am doing Plan A. H is in major denial, still blames me for everything, but did get rid of the bar slut. He still drinks, but has cut back to a few beers in the evenings. He needs to quit altogether. If he doesn't he'll just go downhill again and we'll be right back where we started. <P>You can't make your wife quit drinking. I have tried that for many years by begging, pleading, threatening divorce, kicking him out, having the kids tell him to stop, etc. None of it has worked. The only thing that has kept me reasonably sane through this is my faith in God. I know that God is working in his life, and soon my H will hit bottom. He will have to hit rock bottom before he will quit. <P>Try to keep with Plan A and go to Al-Anon. Al-Anon will teach you that no matter what she says, it is NOT your fault she drinks. It is her problem, and she created it, not you. Remember though that it is a disease. Pray for her recovery. Pray for her soul. I wish you the best of luck.

Thanks for the posts, gang.<P>Let me clarify -- it's not that I think the drinking caused the affair. It's that I think it's provided her with an escape that seemed to parallel the affair. It increased as she got even more involved, and the deception continues. She still hides the empty bottles, beer carriers, etc. I don't know that she is aware that I know. And, with Plan A in full effect, confronting her on this would be a major setback.