There has been a lot of topics lately on telling the children. I am recently D and still living at "HOME" until my condo is done. My WW and I together are about to tell the children that we are Divorcing and daddy won't be at home full time.

I never wanted the D but had no other choice and filed last year. WW told me over and over that she wants out.

We are going to tell them that mommy and daddy don't get along well anymore and even though daddy will be living somewhere else, we love them more then anything in the world. My theripist suggested that if they ask questions on who wanted the D, that I could say that I tried to make it work but mommy wanted out.

By reading a lot of the topics here, it seems that a lot of BS told the children that the other spouse had cheated. Do you think this is right? With children being young, I don't know if that should be brought out. If the children are older, then maybe they should told.

I want to hear what the experts have to say.

Dino

I am alway in favor of telling everyone the truth.

With "age appropriate" conversations...
...explain to the children the importance of permanence of marriage
...of your faith values of marriage
...of the significance of lifetime commitments
...of the importance of fidelity
...and how not to give up on covenental relationships...
...but that in today's world... one person can...buy their own choosing... walk away! (it is the freedom of our free will to do wrong...)

Never bad mouth the WS...
Never say the WS is a bad person...

Teach your children to love the sinner...
...but hate the sin.
...a hard lesson to learn at any age... from 6 to 60!

Truth... implies we learn to forgive...
...but live a life of continual improved discernment.

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Jim/NSR

Doesn't matter what age the kids are they need to know the truth. They will ask why mommy wants out. So be truthful, and explain the vows, committment, trust, loyalty, and all. I would tell your wife that this is going to be explalined to the kids is absolute truth, no lies. If she suggests another way of stating the truth about the affair, let her tell you how she would like it stated. But in no terms, do you hide the fact, that she had a boyfriend, and was unfaithful.

This is what I was told. They need to know, and if one parent doesn't tell the truth, there is the distrust of that parent. This is exactly what these kids DON'T need at this time. So both of you need to tell the truth as is, and the sins, and what happened.

Kids are smart, and they want honesty. Cause you two are the ones that they have looked up to for comfort and support, and trust. So give them all the truth, and let them feel comfortable and let them ask questions.

Dino,

Good to see you posting. Haven't seen much of you in a while.

I'm not sure I agree with telling the kids about the A. Depending on the ages of the kids, it can be a very difficult concept for them to fathom. You don't want one of the kids telling one of their little friends "...my mommy and daddy broke up because my mommy got a new boyfriend..." without really understanding what that means.

I would stress that although you and your exW won't be together, you still love the kids very much and you will both do whatever you can to make them happy. They need reassurance that the D won't change your relationship with them.

Down the road they will have alot of questions and answer them as best you can, but consider their ages and levels of comprehension when you answer.

sad dad

If the children are young...immature...then they do NOT need to know the details. This is an adult situation. HOWEVER...if the OP is going to be brought into their lives...they do need some warning and not have it shoved in their little faces. Do NOT lie! As children whose families are breaking apart feel enough fear and insecurity they need to know they can depend on knowing the truth...but there is truth which is kind and truth which is unnecessary. Saying that dad or mom has a friend which is part of why the marriage is ending is enough.

BUT...expect questions as they mature...answer honestly...with the added item that this is ONLY your POV. Their dad or mom may have a different POV.

Good Luck!

Dino,

You've gotten some very good advice,take it all in and decide what your children can handle right now at the age they are!!

My kids are older and there dad wanted the divorce to be with the OW (new wife) that my kids have never meet. So they needed the truth from the get go, but they could handle it!

You know your kids and your xW, is she bringing the OM into the picture right away? That could play a big part in what you tell them.

They are your kids and you know what is best for them, the xW may be in the fog too much to help with what to tell the kids!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Telling the kids that she left because she had an affair is not entirely true. Lookining at it differently, you could say she had an affair because she had already left emotionally. So, I would look at the reasons for her emotional estrangement as the "reason" she is leaving the marriage. It is true that emotional estrangement is also caused by the affair, so her actions made the problems worse. And, the affair clouds her judgement, and contributes to her unwillingness to fix the marriage issues that led to it. So, if the kids are old enough, I would talk about how you failed to care for and protect your wife, and how that led to her giving up. You may also want to say that her relationship w/ the OM is one of the reasons she is unwilling to try again. If you say it is the only reason, you are not being truthful.

johnh39,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by johnh39:
<strong>...I would talk about how you failed to care for and protect your wife, and how that led to her giving up.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I don't agree with this. First, it assumes that Dino did fail to care for and protect his W, which may not be true. Secondly, even if it were true, giving up is one of many choices his W had. I know a little about his story.

Your statement seems to be making a generalization that if a WS had an affair it's because the BS was uncaring, unloving or failed to see the state of the marriage for what it was or failed to hear the pleas of the WS. Sometimes there are no pleas. Sometimes the WS puts on a front that everything is fine when it's not. Sometimes the WS just takes a step in the wrong direction and it snowballs from there. Sometimes the WS is just unhappy or feeling unfulfilled and it has nothing to do with the BS. Believe me, I know.

sad dad

Thanks everyone for the advise.

With my children being young, I will take this into consideration on what we will say. At this point, I don't feel that telling my children mommy had an A is appropriate. If they ask questions, I will answer honestly and hopefully no one gets hurt. With my WW still in the fog on what happened with A, she's still in deniel over the A even with everything I have found out about it.

Johnh39 - Your right to a point that my xW and I had problems, but problems that we could have fixed. We both work and have children and that's a load right there. I know that BOTH our emotional needs were not met at times, BUT does that give the right for someone to cheat on their spouse.

Johnh39, the bottomline is that WW cheated and like Saddad wrote - she had choices. I am taking some of the responsiblity for what happened, but we are all grown adults who make our own decisions. I did not have all my needs met, but did I go out and have an A? no.

Sad dad - hope things are going well for you. Hang in there. If you want to chat, e-mail me.

Again, thanks everyone!!

Dino9

Dino,

I couldn't find your email address. I think you have mine. Send me an email and I'll respond.

sad dad

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> First, it assumes that Dino did fail to care for and protect his W, which may not be true. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">True, anything is possible, but 99% of the time, my assumption is true. THIS DOES NOT JUSTIFY AN AFFAIR. I can make a convincing argument that my wife's EN's were being fulfilled much better than mine were. She had an affair, I did not. Did she tell me that she was unhappy in our marriage? No. In fact, she called me to my face, our friends and her lover "the greatest husband in the world". Was I trying to care for her? Yes. Was I doing a good job? No.

SD: That does not imply I was uncaring, and I do not believe that my earlier statement implies that a BS is necessarily uncaring. It just means they are not doing a good job of care. As you point out, there are instances where it is hard to care successfully.

Sounds like the state of our marriage was all her fault, right? Well, no. There were all sorts of signs that all was not well. I ignored them, explained them away, made excuses for her, and made choices that made things worse instead of better. I am as responsible as she is for the state of our marriage before the affair. I am ZERO percent responsible for the affair. Those were her choices.