WS wants marriage to work and has been doing fairly well. But the triggers he knows hurt me, he insist on doing. Such as watching the sugar bowl, set in New Orleans, with Florida playing, and Nokia sponsering. Explanation for you. He contacted old High school sweetheart from over 40 yrs ago last year.She lives right outside New Orleans, works there. They each flew to Florida to be together twice! She has contacts in Nokia, relative or ex h. She is remarried now. So he has watched all games today, but this one I ask to change. NOT! I ask which was more important, me or the game, My feelings. He said game! That it was simply to root Fl on as he went to Fsu. Seems to be after all the pain I've been through, I'm still not a priority. Anyone else deal with this? He even said when checking a cruise for later, that we could go out of New Orleans. Or Florida. I said no way. I'd fly out of country first to board ship first. Seems to just shove it down my throat. Any one know what to do with this? LouLou

LouLou,

I have nothing to help you unfortunetly. I read this post and feel awful. He is being extremely disrespectful if he actually knows it is hurting you. Plain and simple selfishness. I was like that to an extent. Meaning I would think of myself first and my wife secondly. It seems that you have come so far into recovery, why would he still do this? Maybe is hearing you but obviously not listening. Are you going to counselling? Maybe a third party could help open his eyes to this a bit more. I hope you can find a way to get through to him.

Heck I didn't watch one game at all today. That must be a first for me............

LadyLou,

I feel for you and know your anguish. IMHO, I would let this go, let him have his fantasy and memories, and don't fuel them right now. YES, they are memories for him, and he needs to get through it in his own way. If you are not relenting on it, you will drive him further away whereas if you let it go as if it's just another football game, and boarding a ship in FL is the same as boarding one in NY, you have the upperhand, and not his memories or triggers.

This is the part where they say "IT'S HARD!"

I remember a long time ago, watching golf games 'I really don't like golf, but a guy I knew did' so every game that was on TV, I watched, sometimes for reminance I still do....let it be and it will disappate fast. That's only my opinion. Hope it helps <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Triggers are a way of still getting at your spouse. If he is still doing this, and being disrespectful, you two need counseling. He may think he is just being selfish, but he is also digging the knife deeper, each time he sets a trigger off.

If possible, sit down and write the triggers on paper. He can write triggers that upset him also. Go through each one, and if you can't handle one, pass on to the next one. Trying to relate verbally can be toxic to each other, so writing gives more eye contact, and more information, that both of you can look at and contemplate.

He may be disrespectful, and not really mean it. You never know, communication is one of the most important aspects of getting along.

If possible, I would get into counseling, and try to get a communication going between the two of you. My husband and I have had terrible communication for a quite a few years. His affair caused him to have communication of fantasy with this other woman. We are now divorcing, and the communication is still not good. He sees things his way, and will not bend. I am counseling for myself, and getting more intune to listening, wish my husband would listen more, and not demand.

Be kind, be sensitive to his feelings, but also be senstitive to your feelings.

That is all I can think of right now, but I think a 3rd party would be helpful. Do you have a pastor, or minister, that you can trust, and open up to and express your complaints, and needs, without feeling exposed? If so, go to them. Good luck. This is hard, but you will find a way.

Mark, Shepette, Faith, thank you all for your replies. He will not go to counseling with me. Says it is not needed. So I'm a dead end there. As far as he's concerned, it's all over and just shove it under rug. I am going back to counseling this year for myself.
According to him, it didn't bother him at all and he wasn't thinking of her at all. I will say he is a football junkie! Has to see every game and always has.
Mark, God bless you for not watching all day or even one! LOL You must have real control.
I have tried to explain triggers to him and ask him to read some here so that he will be aware I'm not alone in this. That it's real. His advice to me? Told me to stop coming here!
After we went to bed last night, I told him I wanted a New Beginning this year. One that would show consideration for me and my feelings. All I got in reply was that he has feelings too! It seems to always be about his feelings instead of mine. I explained that I'm not asking him to give up something he loves! Football I mean. Just to think if it's something that is going to upset me.Giving up one is not going to destroy him.
Hey, want to hear something sad, but funny? While he was with her in Fl. staying in very fancy hotel, all the luxuries, walking on beach with her, he picked up a seashell and brought it home to me! A souvenir he said. OUCH, Like I really needed this reminder that I wasn't worth the fance trip and amenities that she got, so here's a damned seashell to remind you I did think of you! He thought I was terrible to refuse it and want to destroy it. How can anyone be so stupid and inconsiderate? Selfish is the right word. He obviously thought he'd trick me into keeping it for him! So he could be reminded of walking on beach with her. And just stick the knife in me all the time. ARGGGGGGGG!
Anyhow, thank you all for your input. It really does help and I appreciate each of you. It's been over a year now. I am trying to give him space, but it's hard. He swears she is never in his mind unless I bring her up. But my decision is to try as hard as I can, and if he doesn't come to a point where he validates my pain and want to work to heal it, then he can finally be alone. Life is too short and I am through being taken for granted. I am going to Vegas with my grown daughter and her fiance this weekend. Having some fun,then coming home to look for a job. I don't have to work, but it's time to regain my independence.Which he seemed to admire in the beginning. Or perhaps respected more because he knew I could walk anytime and not need him. He has in recent years become a control freak as well. Even to taking me off our banking acct once and leaving me with no way for emergencies while he was gone. He did say on return how selfish he'd been and immediately took steps to rectify that! He obviously didn't want me to see how much money he was withdrawing at intervals to stash for him and her to party on. Then after all the changing it back, he once again went and put in his name only. That time I simply went to bank and had the acct frozen! Which you can do in Ca. as it's a community property state. And the bank told him the only way he could touch it again is we both came in and it would be equally divided. I'm not so dumb as to not know the laws here, but I tried to keep it without legal interference. Only to a point.
I'm sorry all, I just get started and can't shut up. I know many of you, or most have much pain as well and problems you need resolved. I understand and do pray for the whole board here. As well as put it out on prayer chains.
thanks again. LouLou

dear ladylou-sorry to hear about husbands selfishness. it is so hard to deal with.

i know all to well the trigger thing. i suffer from post traumatic also. certain triggers send me into a total shutdown. cant breath or function.

i can laugh at this now but a year ago i thought i would die. the first date we had after d-day was concert tickets to see my favorite band at the time. these tickets were unattainable. husband got them from a radio dj who is a frien of ours. he planned the whole thing-even staying over at a hotel............guess which hotel....yep, the same one they used. never even dawned on him. (He was an idiot, he has improved vastly!!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ) i was horrified, came to this site and went ballistic-then decided to go anyway!! i was not gonna let this ruin my evening.
i explained the situation to husband, he immediately went into we can change the reservation, blah blah blah. i was going. we went and the concert was amazing- the hotel was horrible. this is a 4 star place-name it it went wrong. inside i was hysterical laughing. my poor husband-he was mortified.

we will allways have triggers, and yes they do fade in time. i dont think they ver go away alltogether, but they do get better.

just a funny story to make you laugh.

Thanks to all of you who replied here.
Nikko, stupid isn't even the right word for our WS's! After the first A for my H, he used to take me to the same place for dinners, etc, until I learned all about the A having taken place there. I'ts combination hotel, best dinner house where we live and live bands, etc.
After I found out all, went into deep depression that required years of therapy and hospitalized, he finally avoids that place like the plague!
All I can say is they have to know, but don't care. I think they see us giving them chance after chance and just take us for granted. They can rub it in our face and we'll just take it. NOT!
I truly think after all my WH saw me go through, he didn't care and tries to blame it on other things. He even told me while I was so ill, that it had to be something from childhood of years before him, He could not possibly be to blame of his actions. He still believes this or denies any blame or responsibility. It's his way of guilt transference. I'm told to just snap out of it or the doctors were told to fix me.
Sad that someone who is supposed to really love us, feels this way. Or thinks this way.
I have to accept it will never dawn on him. Or at least he'll never admit it because then he'd have to stand up to who he really is, and it's not pretty. Sorry for all here who have suffered this and will always have to suffer in silence at home to keep things going. LouLou

a different viewpoint? What about the WS who turns everything into a trigger so that you are afraid to say/do anything for fear of setting it off? Example: trying to make deposits into the LBank by complimenting him on a task he is doing- Response: Yeah I couldn't help but think that so-and-so couldn't have done it as well. Example:Safe topic? son and gf playing competitive,violent video games. Response: Yeah we used to play a lot of board games (that weren't violent) too and that didn't work. Sometimes I don't even know what has set it off but can tell from the reaction there has been one real or imagined. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />