I just recently discovered this website and forum in search of guidance.

Here are my particulars -- I'm 33, W is 31; we've been married 4 1/2 years, together for 7 years; no children. I would describe myself as happily married. I have never strayed, and frankly, never thought about straying.

I'm at a crossroads, however. W's co-worker, single and 26, is a good friend of ours. We've known her for about a year. She comes by the house and hangs out with us from time to time. I'm her friend, too, but since they are co-workers, I would say that their relationship (W's and this friend's) is the primary friendship (i.e., I wouldn't be in the picture except through my wife).

I have found that this woman and I share a lot in common. And, it's not unusual, since my W and her share a lot, too. I wouldn't say that I see my W in her. She's her own person.

I find myself deeply attracted to her. I have spent some time alone with her, but it has always been with my W's knowledge and approval. For example, we'll get together and watch a movie. Nothing more than that, and nothing has happened on any of these occasions. This is more than just a casual attraction. This one seems to have a hold on me.

I feel like I am happily married, but I have this overwhelming urge to share my genuine feelings of love for this woman.

Yet, I know that doing so jeopardizes my marriage, and could be the beginning of a difficult road ahead.

I figure that most people who read and post to this forum come after something has happened -- spouse learns that spouse is cheating, spouse wants divorce, etc.

But I'm coming before anything has happened. This woman has no idea of these feelings I have, so to say that I'm contemplating an affair is wishful thinking, perhaps (or more, beware what you wish for...).

So, I can try to keep these feelings to myself, act like a reasonable human being and respect my marriage vows. I'm not in a bad relationship. But I guess this experience has helped me see that though my marriage seems strong, there may be some problems, or strong potential for problems.

I'd appreciate hearing from some members. I think it would be good for me to hear about the experiences other people have had, and what advice you might suggest. I worry that there may be something lacking in my marriage -- and that's why I'm looking outside the marriage. I worry that this may happen again. And I was especially jolted when I realized that if this woman made a move on me, I doubted I would resist.

I've seen the EN questionnaire and think it would be useful for my marriage, but does anyone have suggestions about how I can broach this subject with my W, who otherwise thinks we're happily married?

Thanks in advance for your input.

Dear Holding -

Welcome to MB!!! I can't stress enough how wonderful it is that you are here "before anything happens." However, something has already happened.

You aren't going to like hearing this and I do believe I'm not going to be the only one to give you this advice so here goes.

You do have a problem and you need to explain it to your wife and then you need to cut contact with this "friend". If your wife knows what's good for her, she will also cut the contact.

Now, maybe you can do this without telling your wife but I think you need to share with her your strong attractions to this OW. You say the OW doesn't know of your feelings - but if she is watching movies with her married friend's husband I think she must have some feelings for you as well and this is what you need to be careful of.

The Questionnaires will help tremendously but only if you are open and honest about them and that includes telling your wife.

Your wife, no doubt, will be blown away by this. I hope she comes to this board as well so she can see that she is lucky to:
1. Have you figure this out before it became worse.
2. Others have it way worse than her.
3. Your M will be way better off than it was before just by you both being here.

You might want to read His Needs/Her Needs by Harley (available on this website but I've seen it in bookstores, too).

Good luck, and keep posting,
DB

Holding Pattern - Do not I repeat do not cheat.... Stay away from this person - I can tell you as a betrayed spouse that this will totally screw your wife up - to no end - if you are even contemplating it - then you need to work on your relationship with your wife - not start a new one with her friend - My husband had an affair - now whether it was with my neighbor and friend I might add - I am not sure but their is enough evidence there to pretty much say it was her - I mean the late night phone calls - the hooking up in parking lots to talk - whatever - I can only say that being betrayed by your husband is bad enough but when it is someone that you are friends with is double the betrayal.... I will tell you 1 year and 4 months after D-Day and now being divorced - it still hurts that I could have been betrayed by my husband and my friend - to think that the three of us where together on so many occasions and they had this secret thing going on behind my back - Yikes - DO NOT DO IT....... Stay away....

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by dazedblonde:
<strong>You aren't going to like hearing this and I do believe I'm not going to be the only one to give you this advice so here goes.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A big ditto to DB.

For what could be the next step in your story, without intervention, read the post by Azurely, further down the GQ II page.

Start talking to your wife right now. Come clean about your feelings. Print out this post and our responses and have her read it:

To holding pattern's wife: we commend your husband for having the strength of introspection BEFORE things got any worse. He loves you dearly and wants the best marriage attainable. Please give him a hug for being honest and start working on creating a wonderful, lasting relationship. Read my byline below to see what could happen if you two don't get to work.

Holding_pattern. I am a BS and I can tell you there is no greater pain! If you feel something is missing in your marriage--- and there are no perfect marriages------then it better be your wife you talk to and bring up the attraction also. Honesty is the best way to prevent. I've read many relationship books, and it is recommended that you tell you wife before anything takes place you will be sorry for. This helps her keep an eye on you, and you are less likely to stray. Sort of an accounting.
The next advice I have is you should never be alone with this woman friend! NEVER!
You have to decide which is more important to you right now! Your marriage, or this temporary insanity. You see, there are millions of people out there and if we all allowed ourselves,there are many we could feel attraction to. Would you want your wife to cheat? Do you think she's not feeling something missing as well? The time to talk of it is now. Not afterward for you're only creating another problem larger than you can handle, or that she can handle. If I were younger and had not put so many years in my marriage, I would have walked and not looked back. So be prepared to have your W walk out and forever!
The pain I have suffered is horrible, and I'd never go through it again. If you love your wife, why put her through hell?
Make up your mind what you want now. But you can't have both without causing irreparable damage. The love I had for my H will never be the same and I would have died for him before.
The time to resolve what is missing in your marriage is now, before you do this.
As I said before, you do not belong alone with this woman. And it's time to tell your wife. And make it clear you are not going to do this.
Don't use excuses that you can't hurt this OW's feelings by refusing to be alone. Your wife and marriage come first. Or they better!
I'm glad you posted here, because it does show you are cryng out for help.
If you find you still want to go through with it, then file for divorce now! Don't be a liar and deceiver thinking no one will know. And be prepared to live with your own guilt and consequences. Do not cook up and excuse to blame your wife. No one makes the choice but you! And there are no justifications for adultery.
Lastly, whether you believe or not. You are going against God's commandments and putting your soul at risk. The bible says, "to lie with another, is to subject the body of Christ to a harlot!God forbid!" You can't lie to God. Or yourself.
And any person who would allow you to cheat with her is simply a Wh---. Sorry,but God doesn't lie.
The problem with Cheating spouses is they always try to justify it just as you already have in your post. By saying something is amiss in marriage. And none seem to look ahead at the consequences. There is always something missing in a marriage because it's never perfect. But you should be honest about it and work to make it better with the one person who should matter more to you than anyone, next to God.
Also, I can assure you this woman already has picked up your signals. So she's no friend of your wife's anymore.For if she were, she'd refuse to be alone with you!Women are not so stupid, or most aren't that they can't pick up a signal that a man is attracted. Your body language, your eyes, your little jokes. etc.
DO NOT DO IT! I was suicidal for long time due to the pain that was so intense it became physical. Is that what you want to do to your wife? Does her pain not matter to you as long as you get what you think you want?
If you have moral values, you will place guilt and pain on yourself as well for something you can never undo.
Ok, you have the truth of it from one who's experienced it from the other side.
By the way, even to think of the OW in this light is betrayal, you've already commited adultery in your heart. But that doesn't give you a license to really go through with it. Now is the time to stop!
I feel you really want the help and to avoid this. I commend you for coming here. God bless and pray for strength and you will receive it if you're sincere.
LouLou

I definitely agree with DB...the most advantagous step you can make at this point is being honest with your W. While you may feel that you're in a holding pattern...actually, you're not. You're witholding information about how you feel from your W and it will increase the distance you are creating with her.

Yes, you're doing the right thing by coming forward before you act unwisely on any feelings which may be coming into effect. THIS IS GOOD!

Remember...we're married...NOT DEAD! You will for the rest of your life, at different times...find that you are attracted to others, they may be attracted to you...that's human. It's what we do about these attractions which prove what type of person we are.

It sounds as if you have a strong value system and one which you really don't want to break. It can be very hard for the WS to get up each morning, look into the mirror, and see what they have choosen to become.

Work on your marriage with the thought of making it a more honest, more open, more loving and healthier relationship. If you keep ALL those lines of communication going, it will help you protect those you love and yourself from an error in judgement which can tear everything you've worked so hard to achieve into ashes of sorrow, pain, anger and confusion.

As for trying to continue your side of this friendship...remove yourself. After you tell your W of you're unexpected feelings which have come into play...it's up to your W if she wishes to continue HER friendship at this level. JMHO

Somewhere in the myriad of info here and elsewhere Dr. Harley states(and I am paraphrasing here) that opposite sex friendships are a recipe for disaster. Why? Because, one, we are wired to be attracted to the opposite sex(most of the time <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ) and two, when ENs go unfulfilled we are wired to get them filled elsewhere. Anyone who thinks otherwise is loony. JMHO.

That is what happened to my WW.

The best medicine is to "daylight" this thing. Tell your wife. Radical honesty should rule your life.

Props to you for coming in here. Take care.

Here is a link to all the goofy language here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=29&t=000557

There are good links to other threads in there as well.

HP,

I suggest that you keep reading and posting here. You may also do well to read and post on gloryb.com.

The answer will be abundantly clear.

Holding Pattern,
I strongly suggest reading His Needs/Her Needs WITH your wife. I wish we would have found this book a long time ago. If your feeling like something is missing, chances are she's having the same feelings and you are both afraid to bring it up to the other in fear of wrecking something that you think the other person thinks is perfect.

As far as the o/w is concerned. Concentrate on her bad qualities, not her good ones. Yes, she has them, everyone does if you look deep enough. Just keep reminding yourself of all the bad qualities this woman has that you can't stand, and then remind yourself of the good qualities you see in your wife.

Good luck and God Bless...I hope your marriage is better than ours here..

Hey I don’t post here much at all but I wanted to ask a couple of questions to HP..

First, would you tell your wife if you did this with her friend? Or would you string her along just in case things didn’t work out with what you have on the side?

Also when you first started having feelings for this other woman what was your response? Was it -- Things are getting a little out of hand for me, maybe I should limit my time with this woman and focus on my marriage more…OR was it -- hey she’s really hot wonder if she would be interested in me too?

Maybe you should also look at your marriage as something that may also be YOUR responsibility to keep strong as well as your wife.

You are already 5 steps into an affair:
1) time spent alone
2) recognizing attraction
3) wanting to share feeling of love
4) not being honest with your wife about your feelings for the other woman
5) admitted willingness to act on the attraction if the opportunity presents itself.

Only one more step and you are in an affair.

Be honest with your wife and do not spend any more private time with this woman.

My H's friendship turned affair with a co-worker netted us 2+ years of separations, STDs, and too many losses and painful times to count.

"jeopardizes" isn't a strong enough word for what this could do to your marriage, try destruction, wretchedness, vile, horror, ruination.

Are you really that selfish at heart?

Call Harley's radio program and talk to him. He usually gets calls from BSs. Frankly, my H BROKE MY ARM and it was INCONSEQUENTIAL EMOTIONALLY compared with an A. If you love yourself, you will RUN because it can destroy you, your wife, and this woman. There's a reason why adultery is such a big sin. It destroys everyone involved.

Hi Holding,

I also congratulate you on coming here before anything happened. Once the trust is gone, it will not be the same. You and her may have some things in common, remember, the fantasy is always better than reality.

It sounds to me like you do love your wife and value your marriage, even though you are having thoughts about your wife's friend. Why not tell your wife exactly has you told us. Tell her that you are finding yourself attacted to your friend, and it has you wondering if there is something lacking in your M. You found this site, found the questionaire and would like for the two of you to fill them out, try to identify areas that can be worked on. Tell her that you want to use this as an experience to improve your M. That you are happy with her, and you want it to stay that way. It is important that you let her know that you are happy with her. Your attraction to her friends, gave you reason to be concerned.

You can even tell her, from looking here, you saw that some A's started out this way. Innocent at first, and you don't want that to happen to you two, so you are trying to be proactive in maintaining a happy fulfilled marriage.

Do you know how many of us BS's here wish our WS would have done this. We would have been spared alot of pain. Who knows, it may be like a second honeymoon without even going on the cruise.

First, let me thank everyone for their thoughtful replies. If there was any momentum with the OW, your posts have helped derail them for now.

To dazedblonde -- thanks for the welcome and your remarks. I appreciate the honesty and feeling in them. Talking to my W about this deep attraction I have for the OW is a most difficult thing for me to do, but I understand why you suggest it.

To maw64 -- your input is very valuable too. It's a reminder to me that so much is at stake, and so much pain can be caused by my selfish desires. I recognize the great responsibility I have, and I think that's part of the reason why I posted here -- I need to hear from people who have, unfortunately, experienced the pain caused by an A.

To worthatry -- thanks for the tip about Azurely's post -- that was very helpful. And I appreciate the support. This isn't easy for me, but I feel like sharing my situation on this board is an attempt to improve my marriage. I wasn't looking for people to just tell me to go for it.

To ladylou -- Thank you for describing the pain that would ensue if I gave into temptation. And I think you are correct -- I posted because I needed help.

To just a wifey -- I appreciate your comment about how attractions happen, and how it's the way we respond to those attractions that prove what type of person we are. I also appreciate the idea of what the WS sees when he or she looks in the mirror. I have gone through a major career and lifestyle (eating better, exercising, etc) change in 2002, thanks in large part to my W. So, the question of identity -- who am I? -- is a very strong concept with me right now. Thanks for pointing this out.

To luki -- thanks for your insight, but I'm not totally convinced that married people cannot or should not have opposite sex friends. I think it can be done. But I understand a whole lot better now that such friendships can quickly and easily escalate.

To TM94 -- thanks for the suggestion. My next step is to have a conversation with my W. I hope to include resources like His Needs/Her Needs in that discussion.

To Justwondering -- to answer your questions, I honestly hadn't thought about whether I would tell my wife if I strayed. Probably not. But then again, I hadn't thought about this, I'm sure, because my judgment is clouded by the infatuation stage. Second question -- I can't say that the OW has gone out of her way to flatter me, or wink, or do any of the things that you think a person might do to gain attention and convey an interest. I think my attraction developed out of a fantasy that took root in reality, and spending more time with her and talking with her fueled that fantasy. But as I became more interested, I noticed how deeply attracted to her I was, and yes, I wondered if she felt the same for me. I still don't know whether she does, and I hope not to find out.

To Lor -- your post was the hardest for me to absorb, but it probably was more on target than any other. I know they say that bitter medicine works best, so I'm glad you posted your thoughts. And, I never considered myself a selfish person, and others would not describe me as selfish, but moving forward with this OW would be totally self-centered and selfish of me. But your blunt question was a good reminder of who I am and who I aspire to be.

Again, thanks to all who replied. I've got some work cut out for me, but thanks to those who have posted, it'll be a little bit easier.

Sue with hope -- thank you so much for your kind suggestions. The straight-forward approach often works best. It's a tough discussion to have with my W, but it's not anywhere as bad as talking about this AFTER something terrible has happened.

Thanks so much for the support. You are right. I love my wife very much; we have a lot of fun together. And I value the marriage and the idea of marriage.

I'm so glad that I found this website. And I'm thankful to those who have shared their thoughts. Thanks again. I'll keep everyone posted as this develops.

HOLDING PATTERN

Im a WS. I had the affair. My husband was DEVESTATED. It shattered our lives in too many pieces. We have been restoring our marriage an in recovery for 3 LONG years. Please listen to me. Before you find yourself here wishing to God you would not have had the affair.

The A has already started whether you see it like that or not but it has. You must go to your wife, be honest, tell her EVERYTHING and end the friendship with this woman. If not, you will find yourself unable to stop and before you know it, things get out of control, you are in over your head and you will LOSE EVERYTHING. You will lose your dignity, your self respect, your honor, and I can't even begin to tell you what this would do to your wife. Please I urge you to stop and end all contact with this person.

If this person has shown an interest in your then buddy, she is NO FRIEND to either one of you. A true friend would never think about coming between a marriage.

Im very very very happy you came here. Im so happy you are taking the steps to find out what you can do to make your marriage stronger and prevent this from happening but until you rid your life and your wife's life of this person, you are in TROUBLE.

Yes, they work together but the personal friendship with this woman can be terminated. Your poor wife has no idea that she is also doing stuff to allow this to happen. She is trusting her H being friends with another woman, if she even had a clue as to your feelings, she would take action. You OWE it to your wife to tell her the truth and tell her PRONTO!

You don't want to me like me trust me. You don't want to shatter the lives of those you love. You can't imagine the shame and guilt and how filthy you will feel if you do this. You can't see that now because you are lusting for something that is NOT REAL. One night with this woman will lead you to many many painful and lonely nights. Please Please go talk to your wife!!

Zoey

Holding Pattern: To be honest with you, I'm not the best at advice...But here goes....My d-day was 11/15 with that d-day came a paternity suit.

My H would be the first to tell you - DON'T DO IT!!!! The lust, infatuation, giddiness, false love, etc that you might feel for this other woman is not worth a couple of romps in the hay.

If you really feel like you love this other woman, then LEAVE your wife.

Do like Katie said and spend some time on glorb and this website - hop on over to the pregnancy/child section and ask those women how they feel about their wayward spouse.....It's heartbreaking. you might say - Oh, I'd be careful and I bet all of those folks said it too but unfortunately stuff happens and an unwanted pregnancy might be the result of your affair.

Recovery from an affair is NOT EASY! In fact, it's downright painful. I cried every time my H and I made love for weeks - all I could think of was imagining them together. Now, we are spending time at attorneys offices, going to counseling, crying, talking, yelling, screaming, talking some more, learning all about forgiveness for something that was just lust and infatuation.

Please talk to your wife. Cut off the contact with this ow. If you decide that this ow is the real love of your life then get a divorce from your current wife. Be honest with your wife in all respects. She deserves it and so do you. What you are thinking about encountering is destructive to all. You will find your life consumed with lies and deceipt....is that what you want?

If you are coming here with questions my guess would be that you probably wouldn't be happy with the results of an affair.

Read a book called torn Asunder (in the Christian bookstore). The recovery process is long and hard. If you go ahead and act on your feelings - how will you feel when your wife finds out - how will you feel when she questions your every whereabout - how will you feel when you know that YOU have betrayed the trust of someone so precious in your life. Reverse those situations and think of how you would feel if your wife cheated on you....not so great I would imagine.

Think about this please....DON't do it. It's just not worth it.

Angelia

The only thing Im interested in hearing development wise is that you came to your sense before you lose everything you value in life including your self respect and honor. Trust me my friend, you get involved with this woman, you may as well kiss all that you value GOODBYE.

Get help by coming here. Please go tell your wife everything ASAP.

God I hope you heed these words. You have no idea what you are about to get into if you end up with this other woman.

My heart breaks for your wife who has no idea and is trusting both you and this woman. I hope 2003 is not the year your wife's life is shattered to pieces

Zoey

holding,
Let me pre-empt this by saying I am an OW. Acting on these feelings you believe you are having for this OW would be the worst thing you could do. EMRs start innocently enough. However, they can quickly blaze out of control. My MM and I have been living together for over 9 months now. We still get along great. However, I HONESTLY wish he would go back home. This experience has taught me I do not need to be w/ anyone full-time. Yet, because he did leave I now feel obligated to him.

Talk to your W before it is too late. Good luck. tew

There will be alot of people give you "text book"\
marriage builders advise.

#1- Take EN questionare
#2- Talk to your wife
etc...

All great stuff...

How bout this little tid-bit...........

TURN TAIL & RUN BABY!

Don't put yourself & your wife thru the unbearable pain of the poison and venom we call an affair. Your wife is probably better in bed anyway!