It has been six weeks since I've had contact with OM... after having an online EA for six weeks. I have not disclosed anything to my DH or any of my friends. I have managed to quietly lose my mind and go into the worst depression I've ever been in in my life. The holidays have only made it worse. I know this is more about me than it is about the OM... I was lonely when I met him and the loneliness has only continued since NC.

I CANNOT justify what I did. I won't try. But I've tried to scrutinize my behavior and find where my weakness is.

Here is a summary:
Married for 12 years... exclusive for additional 2 years... friends for additional year.
We have five children: 13 to 21months

DH was an alcoholic when we met...Never been very conversational, except when drinking!! Stopped drinking 9+ years ago... except for occasional slips off the wagon. Recently (in the last 2 years), his drinking has become more regular... and has come home very drunk (always after 2am!!) or not come home... I know where he is when he is drinking... He is down the road at the neighbors house. I can call and he is there... or I could ride down there and he would be there... Just a bunch of older guys (most of them divorced), hanging out watching sports and drinking. Not what I think is appropriate behavior for a married man with children.

But people who live in glass houses can't afford to throw stones...

I became increasingly more lonely... even expressed this to my best friend. DH was out of town on a scout camping trip with our oldest son one weekend (10/11/02). I am a complete insomniac!! So I went and played gin online. I've done this many many times and never had any problems. Then OM and I played... first time we "met"... what a silly way to meet!! Then before the weekend was over we logged over 10 hours... We begin chatting early when he got to work... afternoons during nap time (for my children) and some evenings when he was home alone and I was home alone! The conversations were not sexual in nature (NO CYBER SEX!! UGH!!)Just emotional stuff... he's lonely, I'm lonely, talked about kids, spouses, work, dreams, and we did talk about meeting... but in 6 weeks how deep can you really become with someone without a face (we never swapped pictures).

I sent OM the link to the article by Dr. Harley on Internet Infidelity... I'd told him I'd been reading on this site. Then I closed my account and have had NO contact with him since (11/21/02).

I have tried and tried... but I am still just so sad. The sadness and loneliness are bigger than anything I've experienced. I cannot pull myself out of this depression.

DH and I did the EN's questionaire. I know the EN's that I am lacking in, and now so does DH. I am meeting his EN's. DH agrees that I am and says he is completely fulfilled in our marriage. I feel like a selfish, self-centered baby for complaining. But I know my EN's are not being met. I've seen some attempts and they have made deposits, but the withdrawals over the years have created such a deficit in my life that the deposits don't seem like enough. And I feel guilty for not being content!!

I also wonder if I am truly meeting DH's EN's. If I am, would he continue to feel a need to go down to his buddy's house (who he works with 4 days out of the week)? Or is this part of his alcholism?

DH said last night his NY's resolution was to be more content. OMgosh!! I already feel as if I'm living with a vacuum!! I see only more of the same in my future... I feel so empty... and the sadness just seems to loom into my future.

I just printed off "How do you know if your spouse is in love with you?" But I don't NEED to read this. I need HIM to read this... He has read some of the stuff I've printed off and even filled out the EN's questionaire... but he hasn't bothered to read anything else...I have a whole notebook full of stuff that we were reading. Seems I'm the one with the problem... This has been a constant theme through out our whole marriage.

Ok... WAT and others... go ahead and bust me!! I'm sure I deserve it! The tough love you send out is hard but always true... And apparently I'm in need of some tough love.

LMM,
Your situation sounds much like my first marriage which lasted 16 years. We were young and did not know how to meet each other's EN's.

I admire the strength you had in creating NC for yourself. I don't truly think that you can work on any of your issues though without your H knowing everything. Your issues are NOT about your OEA. They are much deeper. That is only a symptom.

The HNHN book is for creating an "Affair Proof" marriage. Yours is not that if you are both not having your EN's met.

Sorry you are in this situation. Sit him down and be open and honest with him. Then see what you can do from there. If nothing happens, you may have to consider moving on.

Thanks OnlyU... I've read back over some of your posts....

Gibby, Chaz, WAT,and others I was really hoping to hear from you old timers, esp. in lieu of the thread on "Unfair as it is..."

Thanks

ps

if you will notice the time... It is 6:50pm in my part of the world...

DH is NOT home... going to have dinner without him again...

I don't want to LB... I tend to be angry and give him the cold shoulder... I don't want to push him furthur away!! He's NOT at work. He was home at 3:45pm for just a little while before he had to go to his buddy's shop (a different buddy than the one mentioned above) and won't be home until 7:30!

I just don't want to LB... but I don't know what to do with the anger!! Last night I broke the phone!!!

My NY's resolution... not to break any more phones in 2003!!