Hi
I saw what you posted to HOLDING PATTERN.

You said:

Let me pre-empt this by saying I am an OW. Acting on these feelings you believe you are having for this OW would be the worst thing you could do. EMRs start innocently enough. However, they can quickly blaze out of control. My MM and I have been living together for over 9 months now. We still get along great. However, I HONESTLY wish he would go back home. This experience has taught me I do not need to be w/ anyone full-time. Yet, because he did leave I now feel obligated to him.

Im a WS. In recovery for 3 years now. Im wondering, you being the OW and all, living with another man who is still married, if you feel this way about the MM you currently live with, that you are obligated to him and wish he would go home to his family, why not kick him to the curb so he can go back home and hopefully save his marriage.

I just think its bizarre that the OW is here, saying the MM she is having an A with is now someone she is obligated to be with. Im sure you are aware that the two of you have shattered the wife's life and family. Sorry, not trying to be harsh but if the MM you are with is so much of a burden and all, SEND HIM PACKING STRAIGHT HOME. Why complain? Isn't that what you wanted? To be with this man?

Sorry, its just seems odd to me

Zoey

Tew,
(Excuse me Zoey for thread jacking but I have to ask a question to Tew)

I saw your post on another thread, aren't you having an A with another OM then the MM you are living with also? Is that why you want the MM to go back to his family?? Are you not seeing something here? Is that why you posted on Holding's thread. You should have maybe told him the whole story as to your posting. Just maybe?

First to answer your questions - I come here respectfully, to offer opinions when I feel it is not going to inflict pain (see posts on pregnency), and to gain insight.

I have a new #, but used to post here a long time ago as SOW22MM or something similiar. When I signed back up here I did alert all to that fact. On gloryb I am femalesargeant.

To make a long story short I began seeing the MM that has now been living w/ me back in 10 of 2000. He moved out in 11/2000. I was supposed to move in w/ him. However, we found out W was pregnant. I encouraged him to try to make it work. However, I did still see him frequently. Not that it matters now, but when we first got together I did not know he was married. He also became very close to my D.

However, due to the fact he had a baby coming etc. I did not feel we were in an exclusive R. I met someone through work who also was M (yes I knew and I say that not to get flamed as I am trying to learn and improve myself but to be honest upfront. This is my first 2 EMRs and will be the LAST). I fell in love w/ him. And made the mistake of following through w/ those feelings by beginning a R w/ him. At which point I cut off PA w/ MM#1 but still remained very good friends w/ him.

We all worked together and in March of last year I lost my job due to MM #1 telling W about us and her in turn going to wardens. I have a lawsuit pending. As MM #1 had been pressing me to resume our R etc. and he had already moved out, and I was totally freaked about losing my job I foolishly allowed him to move in.

I was honest. He knew I was in love w/ MM #2. However, I felt MM #2 was no good for me. But, I did not feel able to break it off on my own. I sort of used MM #1 to force my hand. I knew I could never let him live w/ me and still see the OM.

So I went from seeing MM #2 nightly at work, talking several hours a day on the phone, and getting together several times a week, and email contact to NOTHING. That is when I initially began reading a lot of the MB principles esp about withdrawal and NC etc.

I even went to MD to get anti - depressants and sleeping pills to help me get over #2. He made several efforts to contact me and I ignored them all. I devoted myself to helping MM #1 who really is a nice guy.

MM #1 and I have been living together since March. In late Aug a mutual friend asked me to meet her for lunch but it was really MM #2 there. I never would have sought him out. Yes, I still thought of him daily - even dreamned of him. But, I really was trying to do the right thing. I had went 5 months w/ NC.

He gave me a cell phone and I began speaking to him nightly. Him and MM # 1 worked same place/ same shift. However, MM #2 was a Lt so he had a lot of free time to chat on the phone. I did talk to him but I refused to meet him - except once. Yes, it was a physical meeting. I planned it arounf the time I went on a solo vacation so I would have a week away till I had to face MM #1.

I felt so guilty. MM #1's D was not final yet so I rationalized I couldn't cheat on a MM. Yet, I knew his movements from the time he set foot in my house. When he was M he often spent nights/weekends w/ me. Thus I felt when we moved in I would be unable to trust him. However, he always went out of his way to prove himself.

In October/Nov I decided to buy my own home and w/ some creative financing I got it. A big 2 story fixxer upper. My plan was for my son and my D and me to move here and leave MM #1 set up in the residence we had establishhed and just start seeing #2.

However, MM #1 had been sick off and on. He ended up needing semi-major surgery. His mom was also ill so he could not go there and expect to receive care. Plus his treatments rendered him unable to drive etc. I had already bought this house and had utilities and all on.

But, MM #1 had been living w/ me around 8 months at that time. He really had no one but me. HIs W has since moved on (really had while they were still living together - her words not my judgement) so he couldn't go there. He had been giving me his checks all that time. I couldn't in good faith turn my back on him. So, I let him come w/ me.

Meanwhile I felt I let MM # 2 down because I had promised I would move into the house alone.

I really felt torn.

So again I took the chicken way out and quit talking to MM # 2 and cancelled email accts etc. However, MM #2 had a family member murdered right after Xmas and called me this week. MM # 1 was right there and needless to say was upset. He wanted to call Lt's boss and expose him. MM #1 is on medical leave. As I knew #2 was hurting and that is why he reached out to me I knew I could never forgive MM # 1 if he caused #2 any job troubles. That is why I gave the advice I did on Should I Do It Post.

This is why I told the poster NOT to get into an EMR. They often spiral out of control. I know I will never do this again. I was not trying to hide anything when I told him that.

I know BS often harbor ill feelings toward OM/OW -and often they are justified. However, I feel through open minds and communication there are some things that can be shared and learned from and on both sides.

I read here more than I post. I am available to any questions or criticisms as long as it is done respectfully.

I wish everyone here healing and a happy new year and healthy relationships. tew

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 12:43 AM: Message edited by: tewjtm ]</small>

Tew,
I'm not critisizing if that is what you thought, just asking questions as I am confused as to why you would get involved with not 1 but 2 married men and all the people that potentially affects. Not to mention the children involved, just seems to be a hard path to take. I do not think I would like having so much turmoil in my relationship between MM#1 and #2 working together on the same shift. Wow asking for a load of trouble there.

I know that my WS works with the OMW's BIL, and it has probably been pretty scary knowing the BIL knows it's him, as I do not have contact with WS I would not know how hard it just might be at work seeing as the BIL is respected more that my WS.

I am glad you post and read, but I would also say to you, maybe for you D's sake try to delve into the whys of getting involved with MM. I know that once you were fooled,by not knowing he was married, but not twice for the second. There is a pattern Tew and I hope you figure out why. I wish you the best in your search.

I hope you felt no disrespect as far as me asking the questions but if you did, I'm sorry.

The only "ill feeling" I harbor toward you is actually ..... a deep sadness.

Your choices are so immature for someone mothering two children. You must have been raised in chaos yourself to feel comfortable in this mess.

God bless.
Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Neesha,
I don't feel you were criticizing me. Nor, do I feel disrespected by your post. I was just speaking in general terms. Twice may reflect a pattern, however these are my first 2 and definately the last.

pepper,
I re-read my post to see if I inadvertantly (sp?) wrote something wrong:

Your choices are so immature for someone mothering two children. You must have been raised in chaos yourself to feel comfortable in this mess.

I see pain in my post. Confusion even. No comfort.

If this was easy I would simply tell MM #1 to leave. I would not feel obligated to him. I would cheat on him w/out regard to his feelings. I haven't. I cut off contact w/ MM # 2. It is he who reached out to me in this awful time.

I do try to do the right thing. For example, he (#2) called me twice this a.m. I rarely answer the phobe however I had it on this a.m. His W was home. The second time he told me he would call me back in 5 mins. However, even though he is hurting I feel that is being too disrespectful to her. That is why I am now on line so he can not get through.

I did agree to go w/ him this evening to collect the body. The coronor finally released it anf it is being flown in. I suppose that is wrong. Yes, maybe it is his W that should be there. But, he asked me. He believes his W detested this family member in question and thus any thing she does to comfort him would be fake.

As far as how I was raised. It was an upper class, dysfunctional family. My mom is an ob/gyn and my dad is a psychologist. They have 11 Ms between them. I have been M once and not too anxious to do so again.

To get away from the "chaos" I left home at an early age. I was emancipaated (sp?) in the state of Fla at the age of 16. I dropped out had a child - my now healthy, happy 15-year-old son. He is an honor roll student. He is in band, plays foot-ball and actually cheerleads as well (him and 4 other foot ball players doing so to get an automatic college scholarship), and is on the debate team at local HS. He has held a job at a local grocery store since the week-end after he turned 14.

My D is an Angel. She models sometimes and has even appeared in 2 Sears Xmas wishbooks. She is enrolled in baton, dancing (tap, ballet, and jazz), gymnastics, and the girl scouts. She does have a different dad than my boys. I researched on my own to file CS pro se' and get support for her. Yes, she gets an unfair ammt but every dime is spent on her. That is why I posted on pregnancy to advocate BS seriously consider cd's plan of faux separation because the CS guidelines are out dated.

Since the age of 16 I managed to go back and put myself through school. During that time I did occassionally (sp?) rely on some govt help. However, I am one of the few to graduate w/out owing a million dollars in loans. I am 2 classes shy of my MSW. I was working a great job. However, due to my EMR I did lose it. My rights were violated. On advice of my atty I stayed home all year and collected every dollar entitled o me since March from unemployment. My former employer and atty are actively negotuatibg resolution in my case. Have even offered me back pay and job. My atty says resolution is almost here. I, however, will never return there. Just trying to prove a point w/ suit.

My goal is to be an atty. I passed the LSAT and was granted admission to Mercer. I applied just to see if I could get in. There is no way I can pursue that now as my D is still too young (9). Law school requires 200% dedication and right now I can not give it. However, as soon as my D is grown and in college her self I do plan to make my dreams come true. I feel I can realistically expect to be an atty by the age of 42.

I am an OW. That does not make me evil in and of itself. As I stated I am here to learn and to correct and improve myself. EMRs are a poor choice for all. I do wish I could just walk away from it all. It is hard to turn your back on someone you feel connected to.

I recently bought a huge house so maybe that will keep me so busy I'll never want to look at another man. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Again I wish all here happiness and luck. tew

Two parents have been married 11 times <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

No wonder this seems like "normal" to you. My concern is your kids observing the revolving men passing through their mother's life ... and no real demonstration of what it means to be in a spiritually committed relationship. But, this is "normal" compared to how you were raised!

I never said you were evil .... NEVER! I said your life was/is saddening to me.

You are obviously very intelligent and a caring parent ... but not too good at relationships with men. Why don't you live a single life until your kids are grown and gone? There is chaos and confussion lived through your choices of "rescuing" unhappy MM.

Let unhappy MM grow up by themselves .... you have real kids to "mommy" .... you don't need to "mommy" a grown man (men). You cannot "fix" your interesting yet dysfunctional childhood history by reliving your parent's experience yourself.

I think you are not evil .... just relationship-immature ... and hurting deep in your core.

Cut this mommy's-boy MM loose ... he won't grow up until you do ... and you'll be giving your kids a better role model to follow.

Good luck! I hope you remain here on MB for a good long time!

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 10:31 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Thanks. pepper

TEW,

Hmmmmmm. I honestly don't know what to say. What a sad ordeal you are in. Everyone is getting hurt more and more by the day. I wish someone in this mess of yours would stand up and say "STOP THE MADDNESS" and start living life on the right road and much healthier path.

Praying for you.
Zoey

Zoey,
I welcome all prayers, comments, and advice.

I am drained now as I drove w/ MM today and recovered the body - very sad ordeal. He is really shook up. Will check in tomorrow. tew