My husband of 23 years returned from a recent business trip Nov. 10 and asked me for a divorce Nov. 11. On Nov. 20 he told me he had been having an affair in Thailand. He has been there frequently over the past year. He saw her one week in Sept. and one week in Nov. I was not overly concerned because how can he carried on an affair on the other side of the world? We had many tearful discussions and I feel our problems are very solvable. We went to one counseling session and he decided he did not want to give up his affair and work on our marriage. However, we have maintained contact. Dinners, xmas shopping, etc. We had a tearful goodbye 2 weeks before xmas.
He wanted to come home for xmas. I knew he had seen this woman in Thailand again on his latest business trip, but I thought it was to end the affair. He was with her Dec.14-24. He returned home wearing his wedding ring and saying it wasn't what he wanted. We had a wonderful xmas, four romantic days together. Then I discovered he had been with her for ten days and was wiring her money every few weeks, including Dec. 27 when he was with me, telling me he loved me and making love to me. Upon my discovery I threw him out of the house. He made no apologies. He doesn't want to work on our marriage. Was he lying to me the whole time? Is there any hope? I feel desparate and suicidal.

Post your topic as NEED HELP or something to alert others and you will get helpful assistance. I'm new and in your position so I can't be much help to you. However, I certainly understand how you are feeling.

Deb, welcome and I'm sorry we had to meet like this but please know there will be many here to jump in and help. Your H is walking the same walk as most all WS's it's a current walk as you can read in most all of the posts.

First though, please!!! If you have not considered taking medication to get you through this, please do so now. It will be a process but you will have to take the egde off your highly emotional state right now. You will need all your strength to control the millions of thoughts running through your head. Read the articles and the posts here and try to take care of yourself, that is the most important thing right now. I am fairly new at this by only 2 months so there are seasoned veterns on here that have so much more sage advice....they will be posting I am sure.

Please know that you are not alone and that we are here and will be whenever you need us. Keep posting and start reading and taking care of the most important person right now........YOU!!!!

Sorry you are here under such painful circumstances, but welcome to MB and I'm glad you found this site.

I'll see if I can start a thread for you to get the other "wiser sages here for you".

Hi Deb,

I know you are in pain. And Welcome. Sorry you had to come here. A's rarely last. They usually die a natural death once exposed. Long distance R under the best of circumstances have a hard time being successful, let alone one that developed under fals pretenses.

Please, if you are feeling desperate, and suicidal, see your Dr. I understand that this pain is so unbearable, that you want to do anything to make it go away. I have been there. But he is not worth dying over. The pain will go away. It takes time. This is probably the worst experience you will ever go through.

I suggest you read the book by Dr. Harley "Surviving an Affair". I heard Barnes and nobles have it. It can also be ordered from this website. If you choose to order it, go to the library. I also heard the library might have it. Read whatever you can to help you get through this time.

Please, make a Dr. appt right away. Tell him/her what is going on, and how you feel about it.

Take care

bump

debinclarence -- Hello. I know you feel betrayed, disoriented, and probably as if your life has no meaning. This is how we all felt when we first found out. You need to understand that the lying and deception are common in these circumstances, but it does not mean that your previous years together were a lie. Nor does it mean that your H does not love you somewhere deep in his soul.

Please keep posting. The best advice I got here when I first logged on about three weeks after I found out the first time (I've had multiple discovery days) was to breath and read and not make any decisions.

If you are truly questioning your desire to live you have to talk to someone and possibly get some medication. Reading and talking or posting are the best things you can do for yourself right now. When you find out the level of deception and betrayal that you experience in these situations you will feel swamped and overwhelmed by your emotions. One minute angry, one minute sad, one minute like you're going crazy. You're not. These are normal reactions by human beings and it is as if you were in shock. It is both physical and emotional.

We are all here for the same reason and we can help you. Please let us know how you are doing.

Reach out right now to someone! Call a friend, a family member...a help line. Call your doctor, go to the hospital...do whatever you must to keep yourself safe!!!!!!

Please get help with the depression as soon as possible. It saps our strength and our courage and our ability to think clearly. It makes it so hard to reach out...but we must!

You are worthwhile! You have value! You are a loving and wonderful woman! You have people who love you dearly and need you so very much! You are IMPORTANT!!!!!!!!!!

Deb,

Please read all the responders to your post again and again. Tomorrow is a new day. You need to be apart of it. Anything can happen. You are at the lowest right now. All will get better tomorrow and the day after that. As other people have said, if you continue to have these desperate feelings do anything and everything to reach out and get some help. Call your doctor. Don't be embarresed!! You are one of many people who are going through this and you are not alone. Get to the Dr. Read everything you can here on MB. There is some fantastic info that will help you and allow you to think more clearly. I know!!! Please post all you want to vent, cry, talk, whatever. Don't go away we are all here for you. Please get back to us as soon as you can.

Deb,
I hope we hear from you today. This is so painful. We know your pain. Follow the guidance you will find on this website and most importantly take steps to take care of you.
1) Go to your doctor and get on an anti-D. You cannot do this alone. The anti-D will assist you in clearing your head a bit so you can lessen the emotional reaction.
2) Don't feel rushed to make any decisions. Give your physical/mental/emotional/spiritual self time to take this in and deal with it. Don't think that you have to "fix" anything or that you have to make it better or make it go away. Just breathe!
3) Find a counselor for yourself so that you have someone to talk to. If that is too difficult at this time and even if it isn't, keep coming here!!!! There is no threat in posting here and you will get EXCELLENT SUPPORT.

Keep us posted.

Hi Deb,
how are you today?

Dear Deb,
I felt compelled to respond by the similarities between our cases. My WH was going to Indonesia, not Thailand, but same sort of situation in the same part of the world. He started working there every other month, started an A with a local Indonesian floozy & got her pregnant (or at least she has convinced him it's his <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> ). Then he was giving / wiring her money ($20,000 in 1 month!), had her move into his house there in Indonesia, and I think is now living with her whole family or at least supporting them. And all the time telling me he loved me & wanted to save our M. LOL! I Plan A'd for 2 months and had set a deadline for Plan B at the end of those 2 months. WH filed for Dv the same time I went to Plan B, and the Dv will be final in Feb.

So I may not be one to offer you much hope. However, I can tell you that the best thing I ever did was to continue with that Plan A until I felt I had done everything I could to save my M. I have absolutely no regrets now - no thoughts that I might have done more. When you're at that point, then I think you can honestly go to a Plan B.

I'm curious as to whether this is one of those "expat-in-Asia" syndromes that are so common over here. We expatriates who live here in the Far East see it all the time - it's a standard joke among us. Middle-aged Western men running after these 20-something Asian women, leaving marriages of many years, starting new families. And totally in the Fog - not realizing that they're being taken for their money & their passports, letting the fawning & flattery go to their heads. Very heady stuff, being a Western man here. You have to understand what you're up against.

I know exactly how you feel, Deb. I have never felt so depressed in my entire life as I have in the past year. I've always been so proud of how independent I am. This sure made me realize I'm not as strong as I thought. What helped me most was going to my friends and family and talking to them, telling them what was happening, getting their support. And then getting out and doing things, even though I had to force myself out of the house.

I agree with the others who advise you to take time to think about what you want to do. There's no reason to rush - make sure this is what you want. Listen to your heart and your mind. And while you're thinking about Plan B, keep on with a great Plan A.

Take care and keep posting, keep reading. We're here if you need to talk.