Hi to everyone, this is my first time to this site. It's pretty amazing. I've posted this question in another forum but wanted to get as much feedback as I could. I hope thats okay. My wife is currently splitting her time between here (we have 5 kids) and her boyfriend. She says she wants to try and work things out but is still to attached to this guy and scared to let him go. When she said she wanted to try counseling I went looking for some and found this site. After reading for a while I was wondering if I should go with the counseling now to show her how serious I am about changing, or if I should wait to see if she finally does leave this guy completely. I thought that since the counseling will be about what she needs to do also that it might just put too much pressure on her and move her in the wrong direction. What do you think?

Read the topic I linked to below and then read the topic I linked to within that one. Those were very similar questions so hopefully the answers help. Keep posting and read all you can on the website.

Counseling Question

Welcome to MB!

You need to read about Plan A. I think that you will find the answers in that. And you deserve to know that this is not just about you changing. It's about the two of you being committed to making your marriage work. It is not your "fault" that your wife chose to have an A. You should get into independent counselling (IC) for yourself for now.

Good luck. You are in the right place for guidance and support.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was wondering if I should go with the counseling now to show her how serious I am about changing</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Absolutely. Go now to a good marriage counselor. Steve and Jenn Harley do phone counseling/coaching here at MB, and they are both terrific (Steve helped me save my marriage in a similar situation to yours). Call the office at 888-639-1639 for an appointment (and check out the associated links here for finding good counseling, should you choose to do it locally).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I thought that since the counseling will be about what she needs to do also that it might just put too much pressure on her and move her in the wrong direction</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you start counseling with Steve, the focus will be on you and your marriage skills. Steve combines the best attributes of a very succesful IC with behavioral counseling skills with a marriage counselor who is truly focused on the health of the marriage. He'll work with you to help you eliminate bad behaviors (lovebusters) and be more consistent in meeting your wife's needs. Should your wife see positive results, she'll be more likely to join you. In addition, Steve will ask her to discuss your progress with him, and that's a great way to get a recalcitrant spouse roped into this counseling scenario.