The post I just answered for the man that was here contemplating an A prompted the posting of this. I commend him for coming here first so I'm thinking that this post could serve any others who are lurking and having feelings of "maybe" I will take this to the A step whether it be EA or PA.

BS's, please post a piece of what this has done to your life so that any future WS can see what they have in store for them.

I'm pasting my reply to the other post. Replace wife with husband when necessary.

~If you love the wife that you have now and you think there are just some things that you need to work on to have an even better marriage, I can PROMISE you that if you have an A, the wife you love will NEVER BE THERE AGAIN! You will devestate her, break her spirit and reduce her to something that you can NEVER IMAGINE! Then you will need to pray that she has enough strength to pull herself from the depths of hell to even resemble the woman that you fell in love with and that may take YEARS! I can promise you this as well. If you ever want to know how a betrayed spouse feels, come here every day. We are fighting to survive with what dignity and self-respect we can still find.~

<small>[ January 03, 2003, 10:19 AM: Message edited by: onlyUcan ]</small>

Go ahead have an A. If that is what you feel, by all means, it's your selfish life. But TELL your S first.

You might find that an A or the infatuation with OP is that. Fantasy, what you and the OP portray yourself to be or what the OP wants you to be.

You will more than likely find that an A is just a symptom of the real problems is a M. Generally it is a lack of communication.

I read and hear from people that have rebuilt a relationship after and A that in someways thier R is better after an A. BUT there is a big part of the relationship that is lost. Trust, Respect, etc, read up. The price to pay is high. I would have prefered to be shaken to my senses then punched in the nose, or kicked in the MB's.

The point is that honest communication before an A most likely will save alot of pain, anguish and suffering and maybe a M or two. An A will be permenatly etched into the mind of the BS. It uneccessarily complicates the situation.

I would have been able to deal with "Honey, I think I don't love you anymore" or "I think our M is in trouble." Instead of hearing "I had an affiar with so in so". Too late, damage done. We have the mess of an A to deal with along the real problems that lead down this dreary road.

It is your life, but that life is is intertwind with someone that really and truely loves you. Take a little time and think about the S you are knowingly or not knowingly about to destroy.

I would rather stand in the middle of the road and see and face the truck barreling down on me then to blindly stand in the road and be assured there is nothing comming from the one I love and trust. Bang, blindsided. It hurts, its devastateing, it is un-do-able.

Think, think and think again. Then talk.

Head up and stick on the ice.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">BS's, please post a piece of what this has done to your life so that any future WS can see what they have in store for them.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wow, where to start? Everything seems to have happened so fast.

She announced the week before Thanksgiving that she was leaving. I knew we were having problems, and were seeing a MC, and she went for IC additionally. She never mentioned that she was considering seeing some one else. The MC suspected it, because while I was making progress, and working to make improvements in our M, she was not progressing. He told me later that he had asked her if there was someone else, and she denied it. She has told me since then that at the time MC asked, there was not.

We spent Thanksgiving week packing, and she moved out the day after TG day, while I was out of state with my family. Of course, OM helped her moved... what a guy! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

For days after I found out, I felt like I had a cold stone in place of my heart... just a chilling, literally cold, numbness under my breastbone. I could not eat, lost weight (I'm only 150#, 6'3"... I don't have much to spare <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ), only slept 3-4 hours a night. I could not focus on work, church, and hobbies. I never wanted to leave the apartment I moved into, but I also hated being there, because it meant she was not with me. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Rejection has always been one of the hardest things for me to face... and if this A is not rejection, I don't know what is. “That’s me, second string, used to be Varsity, moldy leftovers, old cat litter, yesterday’s news.” Thanks for playing… sorry, but we don’t have any consolation prizes for you; buh-bye! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My pain was so intense, so deep, I contemplated suicide. On the way to my parents for the holiday, I considered several times an "accident" on the Interstate; but the most tempting was a winding mountain road overlooking a deep valley. My WW and I had stopped there in the past for pictures, and I figured there was no one else who would potentially get hurt by my car.

Thankfully, I kept thinking of my parents and siblings expecting for me to arrive at any time. I also occasionally I thought, “[censored] the OM, he isn’t getting her that easy”… you know, "console the grieving widow", and all that jolly good rubbish! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

Later, after I returned to town, I kept thinking of going to a gun range, using one of their rental guns, and ending my life there (I didn’t have my own gun before). I actually went, and while I was there, someone else did exactly what I was considering. I watched her die, right in front of me… that really opened my eyes to some things, made me really stop and think.

Since then, I have been to a Dr. who put me on Paxil, and some sleeping pills… I have only used a few of the latter, as I am sleeping now about 6 hours (and the fact that the pills were $55… for 18 pills… WITH insurance! Sheesh… <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Anyway, a day at a time is how I’m living now. I am starting to get a little more used to this… that really sucks! But life is what it is, I guess.

I hope reading of my pain, and soul-shredding anguish, helps someone out there make the right choice.

You loved your spouse enough that you vowed, promised, and gave your word, in front of God, friends, and family, that you would stand by your spouse, and only them, through thick or thin, good times or bad. Please, I beg you; push past whatever problems you are having, whatever “reasons” you are considering having this A.

Ultimately, only you can make the choice, but WE (the betrayed) have to try to endure the consequences of YOUR choice.

Choose to rediscover that first, true love that you had for your spouse. Take the time, thought, effort, and money that you WILL have to spend (and throw away) for an A, and INVEST it into your own M!

There is NOTHING a BS has “done to you” that makes them deserving of the pain and suffering your A WILL inflict on them.