I am the WS. I have had an affair with an ex-Bf from 17 years ago, and although I haven't seen him for a few months I have remained in some contact via phone and email with him. I am 24 weeks pregnant with his baby. There is a very very slight chance that this is my husband's but not likely. I'd say less than 5%.
My dilema is this. I KNOW I was in the wrong by starting a new relationship before my marriage was signed, sealed and delivered done. It had been emotionally on the rocks for a couple of years and I gave up after many attempts at fixing it. His porn addiction had grown so far out of hand I was having major meltdowns and couldn't live like that anymore.
After the affair came out in June it seemed to be the final wake-up call that my DH needed. I had given him the get help now before you totally destroy us but without consequences. I stepped out of the marriage. After June he seemed to really work on himself and although he had started attending Sex Addicts Anonymous in early Feb he didn't really work the program until June and also totally sold out to God. I couldn't believe the man that was before my eyes.
Although after June he knew that I was spending more and more time with my ex-BF I was still living in the house. We were in the process of selling and I spent more than 2 months splitting my time between here and there.
I came back in early August and found that the man I had wanted my DH to be had indeed emerged after all these years. He was reading his Bible, praying, had a peace about him and had done the research himself on how to save the marriage. I was stunned to say the least. It seemed like a little too late.
We spent a weekend in Mexico, where we got married after I got back in August and connected like old times. I found out a week later I was pregnant and was devasted, in shock, for a couple of days.
Although I have only seen my ex-BF a couple of times since then I play the "what if" game in my head way too much. We started counselling with Steve H in September and right now are in limbo because I haven't pulled the divorce which can be finalized after Jan. 11th and just can't seem to bring myself to giving EVERYTHING to my marriage.
I guess what I'm asking for is this.
Am I wanting neither? To stay and commit or go and see if a life can be made with the ex-BF/father of my un-born child.
My husband has been amazing and wants this marriage, although I can't fathom why. He knows we can make it work and I think we could too, we love each other and are best friends. BUT! This love for the OP will always be there, especially now that I am carrying his child. It amazes me that my DH can even accept this baby with open arms. We have been married for almost 12 years and I had infertility problems.
I need some advice if it's out there. I want to do the right thing and it seems to change in my mind almost hourly. Do I owe my baby the chance to grow up with his father? Do I owe my DH the chance to fall in love with someone who will love him and JUST him?
I know you can love 2 people on different levels and that is where I am, maybe a little fog speak but I honestly feel that way. I have held this former guy in my heart for a long time, unfairly to my DH.

Thanks for taking the time and reading and if you respond thank you even more! I am really at a fork in the road.

Patty

Oh how i ache for you. I know how scared you must be. A couple of questions, is your husband bi-sexual, gay??? How are you planning on resolving this issue. and heck what you owe that baby is a loving home, with or without a man, a calm, happy, safe place to be and grow. Have you told your old BF and what does he say???

Butterfly,

Doesn't your H post here? I remember a poster with the 11 Jan divorce date. My mind may be going but I think that is so.

In any event, the ball is in your court. You two don't have children together. Your OM and you will. This is a big issue. More importantly, you need to face some realities and that is what you know each man to be.

I think you know that your H loves you and wants you and the child. I think you also know that your OM doesn't have much respect for marriage and that your relationship with him will be greatly strained with the presence of this child.

I know that Harley has stated that if there isn't an other child present in the family, that divorce is probably the more expedient action to take, so that the child is with the biological father, BUT he doesn't say it is the only way.

But, the issue is really clear to me. You have to make up your mind and take a leap of faith. OM and the uncertainties with him. Your H and the uncertainties with him, although fewer. Or neither man, and dealing with life in general.

If you just let the date come, then certain decisions will have been taken from your hands. You have committed a great transgression against your H, but he apparently loves you enough to want to raise and love this baby AND YOU. Dear Lady, you won't find that on every street corner, or with OM.

I wish I could settle things for you, but you are going to have to decide for yourself.

Sorry, I couldn't be of more help.

God Bless,

JL

PS: I my mind what you owe your child is a good home and the best parents possible. Further, I would hold the divorce until you KNOW who the father really is. You might be surprised. You are acting as if you are certain about who the father is, but you really don't know. That IS something that you can determine for sure, no speculations required. Do it before you divorce.

<small>[ January 04, 2003, 02:25 PM: Message edited by: Just Learning ]</small>

BE:

"Do I owe my DH the chance to fall in love with someone who will love him and JUST him?"

Absolutely. That someone may be you, or it might be someone new. The ball IS in your court.

"I know you can love 2 people on different levels and that is where I am, maybe a little fog speak but I honestly feel that way."

I think you're misunderstanding what is generally meant by "loving 2 people on different levels." What you have here is a division of your affection, which is resulting in dilution of the love you can give either man. You need to choose one and grieve the loss of the alternative. You can't keep both. It's unfair to them and to you, and will be equally unfair to your unborn child.

"I have held this former guy in my heart for a long time, unfairly to my DH."

Is he no longer a guy? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sorry, my revolting sense of humor coming back! Try being honest with your H about your history with this guy. That's the only way you're going to defuse the "threat" this guy represents to your future, as perceived by your H.

The choice is yours, but do choose wisely. You could choose to rebuild with your H, or build a new life with a known liar and cheat, or live alone. Not very attractive choices, perhaps, but there you are.

All my best,

Thank you so much for the replies, I honestly didn't think I'd get much but flamed. I just feel so desperate right now and not having many avenues for talking this out.

notdoingtogoodatthis - The bi-sexual/gay issue is why I originally found this site and posted a couple of times before my affair. (that's the part that I can't believe about myself, I KNEW I was vulnerable but let myself still go there)
My DH's sexuality and what I would call confusion he says came from his ever-growing porn addiction. I had suspected for a couple of years after finding some gay porn tape but never brought it up, it came to a head 6 months before my affair. I believe him when he said he never got involved with anyone with it, just media and computer. After June and him totally selling out to God he says he has had some fleeting thoughts but reads his Bible, prays and has a former pastor of ours holding him accountable. Only a few people ended up knowing about this addiction of his. I trust that this is a problem that is in his past as long as he keeps God in the center of his life.

JustLearning - yes my DH does post here on the pregnancy board. I basically have lurked out of respect for him to have a place that is a sounding board and didn't want to make it a he said/she said type of enviroment. His pain is valid and I don't want to diminish his feelings.
Steve surprised me early on in our sessions by saying that he normally does suggest divorce in our situation but saw enough in us that was salvagable. I realize I am a VERY lucky woman in having DH. He has grown into a real jewel, and I don't know if I quite deserve that, I wish I could show him the love that I seem to be able to show OM so easily. DH and I have a very comfortable relationship, just not outwardly lovey dovey.
Your point about the paternity is very true. It really isn't an exact science and the way my fertility is/was could be DH's. I think that DH would handle this being OM's baby better than OM would handle this being DH's baby. If that makes sense.

Thank you again you guys for the words, I will digest them and continue praying. I don't trust my own thoughts but the leap of faith hits home. That is what it's going to have to come down to.. a leap of faith.

Patty

I agree that first and formost you need to get a paternity test. All other things being equal (and they may not be) it is best to choose the biological parent as your mate for a whole host of reasons. However, it is unclear to me from just this thread how worthy the bf is as a marital partner. I am not sure why he is being called a liar and a cheat as I gather you had emotionally left the marriage (for good reason) and were just awaiting the legalities to catch up. I assume he took you at your word you were done with the marriage, if so, he is not to blame for, but you made a poor decision. On the other hand, H being new man or not, you already have moved on to bf, H time has passed. What I hear is second guessing, or else you aren't all that committed to bf (so why in the world are you pregnant then?). Maybe your H is a new man, maybe not, it will be a long time before anyone knows for sure. He had motivation now, (losing you), people are strongly motivated by such, however recidivism is also quite common once the objective (getting you back) is acheived.

I am not trying to be negative, just realistic, you may have a lifetime of policing your H to keep him on track, you should contemplate that as well. The trouble with changes made because someone wants to get someone focused back on them is that it is the wrong reason. It should be done because they want want to for themself, and he should not be pressuring you (if he is) to stay in the marriage because of his "changes".

Mostly what I see here is confusion, you kinda jumped the gun which is why people suggest not starting new relationships until you are done (regardless of any hopeful changes) with the one you are in. What if you had married the bf and then your H demostrated his changes? The point is, if you love the bf enough to marry and have his baby, it really makes no difference that your exH (or stbxh) became attractive, you already have a new life. If instead you honestly came to realize the bf was not a good choice, and you acted rashly, then fine end that properly and pursue your stbxh. But you know what, there is no real short term answer here you can count on, too much is happening. The most sensible route is to continue your lifeplan, divorce, but also put the relationship with bf on hold (since he doesn't evoke enough committment from you to keep you from wanting stbxh)...live as single person, date both or no one (but no sex)observe H over a long period of time (least a year to see if his changes are permanent) and the truth should shake out about what is best for you. Don't worry so much about what is "right", worry about correctly understanding yourself, and what you want. Who you live with as mate should be a "selfish" choice about you, not someone elses expectations for you, or about you. What you need is time, without pressure, these are big decisions, you don't have to make them now. If either man is worthwhile they will wait, if not, well guess you got part of the answer.

I feel like I've been hit by a truck. After many many hours of prayer and reading my Bible the last few days it was laid heavily on my heart that I DO WANT my marriage and am ready to give it EVERYTHING. Whatever it takes to earn Tim's trust. I cleared my heart and mind completely of OM and made love to Tim yesterday like we haven't in a very long time. I know he could see into my heart and could see that his wife was back. I stayed up most of night last night praying and again God seemed to lay on my heart that in order for me to make this committment work and for the marriage to move forward I need to be completely honest with Tim. This morning I told him the last secret I had been keeping from him. I saw the OM over Thanksgiving. I followed what I felt God told me to do, be honest and that the marriage would be able to be made strong. I honestly thought that meant that this position of being damned if I tell him and damned if I don't would have God's hand on it and I can't see that right now. Tim said it's over and I need to move out today. Why would God tell me to be honest and trust him if this was to be the result?
I don't know what to do, I'm so emotional right now I can't hardly think straight. I don't want the OM. I talked with Tim last night and he knows that. The love that Tim and I share is so much deeper than what I thought I had with OM.
I guess I don't really know why I'm posting, just don't have anyone at all that I can talk to right now and I am desperate in my thoughts. I can't understand why God would tell me to trust him and then this.

You did ok, radical honesty is always the right choice, your H has just revealed he is not "safe" (regardless of his supposed interest in you) for you to be honest with. I may be somewhat confused, but as I recall you left him (h) for very good cause, were (are?) seperated, divorce pending, and at the 11th hour H has seen the light, and wants to make ammneds. Well, if that is so, his notion of ammends seems a little off. Frankly it just feels like he is playing with your head, has his own agenda, and is not much interested in your emotional well-being, only his feelings, which has always been the problem, rigjht? So what has changed? Anyone can talk the talk, and many do to "get" a leaveing spouse to return, that is why it is so important not to return, or make any committments, until you have seen a lot of appropriate actions. This is hard, cause ones emotions betray them, we all are drawn the grand reconcilliation, and so forth. Keep your head on straight, draw boundaries, and live your life, the truth will be revealed in due time, there is no rush. In the meantime GET THAT PATERNITY TEST, cause regardless of what you do, someone needs to be made aware they will be paying child support, if nothing else.

Butterfly,

I think the response you got is because your H has been hanging on with everything he has, but this latest bit of news pushed him over the edge. However, I also think you needed to tell him what had happened. You might want to explain to him why you did it. What you feel now.

ButterflyEmerging, what are you going to do about the divorce? If you don't want to divorce your H, then stop the divorce. If you do, then you have been given a green light.

I seem to recall that he had come to a point of ambivalence with regard to the marriage. Very reasonable considering the pain involved and the fact of your pregnancy. But, mostly how you had treated him.

I don't think it is too late. I think what you are seeing is someone that has lost faith in you, but is probably still wanting to work. But you are the one that will have to do the work.

I don't envy you, your decision. It is a tough one and the new baby won't make this easy. Yet, the child could be your H's. The messages from your contemplation didn't say this would be easy or that you wouldn't be tested. They just indicated what the RIGHT thing for you to do was.

You did that. You were honest with your H. He is having a hard time dealing with that honesty.

I wish I could offer you great insight, or a definitive plan as to what to do. My suggestion to call Steve Harley and talk with him about this.

God Bless,

JL

Hi Butterfly,

First I want to Congratulate you on your upcoming life venture.

I've read your posts and my heart is going out to you. How devastated you must feel to be pregnant and in this situation. It is NOT an easy place to be.

I want to commend you for coming clean with H. YES it WAS the right thing to do. He is reacting right now and it will take him some time to calm down and listen to his higher power. Think of this as a test of character for both of you.

Even though your situation seems pretty bleak, I'll bet $1 that you are feeling very proud of your self for being truthful. Radical Honesty is the only way to recovery and you have taken that step.

The main reason that I wanted to post is that right now you need to change your focus. There is an unborn child that NEEDS to be loved and nurtured. All of the CHAOS around you is not the healthiest thing for the fetus. Take some time out and feel the life growing inside of you. Appreciate what it is that you couldn't have for so long.

Isn't it funny that you concieved at this time when you couldn't prior to this? God works in mysterious ways. Trust in your faith, enjoy your pregnancy, and focus on what YOU want for you and that blessing inside of you.

Thanks. I really don't know what else to do. I needed to be reminded about the tests and trials. I guess I didn't expect it to come that soon. I am ready to do whatever it takes to be the wife Tim wants.
I feel like I am in so much pain my body is shutting down. I cried, prayed, and slept this afternoon and I'm going to stay at the house until he gets home from work at 1030 tonight. If he still feels like this is it after thinking it over today I will go to my parents and who knows after that. I had told the OM that I was choosing my marriage and Tim before I talked with Tim this morning and DON'T want to go down that road at all. I want my marriage.
Guess I need this lifeline here today, thanks.

I did want to add, I do see God's hand in this pregnancy. I told my therapist that I would be the short side of the statistics that never attempt suicide again. I have felt despair beyond what I thought I could feel again but would NEVER do anything to hurt this innocent little boy inside of me.

The oceans are crashing outside of our apartment right now just like the pain is crashing in my heart and soul. I came back to talk to Tim tonight after leaving him a note giving him the option to talk or walk away. He is done. He wants to walk away. He says he can no longer trust me. I am still going to pull the divorce tomorrow against what he wishes but I am listening to God. We haven't been seperated during this time, we moved into this apartment after selling our house in late November. I will be finding somewhere to live tomorrow as this is what Tim wants. The marriage is over for him and I have no one to blame but myself right now. I wish I hadn't been in the fog still the last couple of months. I wasted a lot of recovery time, now there isn't even a chance of recovery.
I tried my best today to keep the baby in mind and not stress out but frankly it's not possible. I have more peace because I'm letting God guide my thoughts but in the end I think God is going to have to protect my baby from this stress.
I asked Tim for 30 days of us both working on the marriage with God. He's not hearing it. I offered to just put the divorce on hold for 30 days and then if it still isn't what he wanted I would finalize on day 31. I think we would be amazed at what God can do in a marriage where both partners allowed him to reign. We have never done that, one or the other but never both at the same time. Not with the passion and ferver that we both have for God. Since he doesn't want to try for 30 days with God I feel I don't have a choice but to pull the divorce and he will have to file himself. This isn't what God wants. We have enough here to build on, IF, and only IF both of us wanted it.
I can't make Tim want this marriage. We both destroyed it and then I put the final dagger in with the affair and possible resulting pregnancy.
I will have to live with that the rest of my life knowing what I allowed Satan to bring into my life. I am so broken right now. I feel somewhat vulnerable but at the same time a sense of strength from God that I know is only coming from Him. I only hope I can hang onto Him tight enough, I feel so fragile right now. I have put myself in a position of little hope.
Thank you all for your words. Know that I did take and digest them completely a few times. Some of you brought tears to my eyes because you say what I have been feeling but haven't found the way to express.
Hosea has been Tim's example for the last couple of months. My only hope is that like Hosea he will yet again go to Gomer and forgive her. It required a lot of faith in doing so, especially when he had to do it more than once. It didn't make him less of a man but rather more of a Godly man. Tim has shown me selfless love the last few months and brought me back to the "fold". I guess in a sense he's washed his hands of me now and I need to follow a new shepard, The ultimate Shepard. Please give me strength God.
I don't know how I am going to physically move out, please pray that I will find someone who will help me. These details seem like too much to bear for me.
Patty

Don't be too terribly hard on yourself.

You made mistakes, and so did he. You made the choice to work on the marriage, and he made the choice not to. It takes two to work on the marriage.

Hi Butterfly,

STALL, STALL, and STALL some more. You H needs time by himself to think this through. In a way this is like D-Day all over again.

Do NOT move. Go to your mother's for a week. Let him sit with his thoughts and fears for a while. He is NOT just reacting to this admission, he is reacting to EVERYTHING that has been going on.

DID you send a formal NC letter? If not, NOW is the time. If your H decides to truly walk away, are you entertaining thoughts of returning to OM or are you truly dome with him?

You have bitten off a lot because you will be dealing with the hormone issues as well as withdral from the A and your H.

I recommend to just try and have 1/2 hour a day where you block out all the pain and value the life of your son. Take a bath ir a shower and envision the love of GOD surrounding you and the baby. IT WILL HELP you get through this......

butterfly and tuff,,,,, i am going to ask tuff these questions. how many times did you step over butterfly's boundaries before she fell victim to her affair? were you just blowing smoke at all of us for simpathy? it seems that you may need to sit back and be honest with yourself about your marriage. it sounds to me that you really gave up on your marriage a while back and set time limits of the divorce papers for no real aparent reason and you planned on leaving the marriage no matter what. you now have a wife that is open and honest with you and wants her marriage and you are casting it aside. why did you wait so long? you 2 have been thru so much that it seems hard for me to believe this straw broke the camels back. this is not meant to be threatening but where do you turn now back to your weakness? or is this just the excuse for you to quit on all the progress you have made with it? is the devil calling? i truly hope you reconsideryour decision and at least give your marriage the 30 days of effort from BOTH of you as your wife has requested. maybe a short 30 day period apart will do you both some good. and then back for a real serious 30 day effort.
you both have made mistakes, now is the time to correct them
still pulling for the 2 of you,, pops

Pops- in Tim's defense, I've been the one holding out on the marriage recovery. I didn't see things clearly in time. I don't believe that Tim came here for anything other than support. He has a written plan of recovery that has been waiting for my committment.

Kily- Thank you so much for bringing me back to my baby. I wish like crazy I wasn't this baby's mom right now, I blew it so bad. He's innocent but is going to be brought into a life that I've messed up. I sent a NC note but need to change my cell phone number. He's left quite a few messages on my voice mail. I am doing that this afternoon.
I still feel like I have no choice but to pull the divorce. I will accept the consequences to my sin but I will no longer be the one who legalizes the divorce. God hates divorce and although Tim has Biblical grounds for divorcing me I don't think he is giving the marriage recovery a shot with BOTH of us on board. I believe it's in Ecclesiastes that it said a cord of three cannot be broken. Our cord of two is so easily broken.

I don't know when I can post again, but please keep us both and this baby in your prayers.

Tim if you do end up reading this, know that I love you as no other and am standing in the threshhold ready to walk with you. Please give us the chance, if even only for 30 days.

Patty

Butterfly -

Think about this statement:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wish like crazy I wasn't this baby's mom right now, I blew it so bad.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What have you blown? You were human and you made some REALLY bad choices. Your H did too! Your child is LUCKY because he has a MOM and a DAD that have a chance to raise him in a REAL LOVING relationship. You can teach this child so much by being the best person that YOU can be.

Coming out of the FOG and owning up is a REALLY HUGE thing. You are JUST starting to learn what love is ALL about.

Your H LOVES you and THAT baby you are carrying. Have faith. Reminder, there are four cords, not three.

I am able to stay at my parents afterall although it's not the best situation it's do-able. I am going to keep my updates or comments on just the pregnanacy board since I don't think this forum is the right one anymore, I did get my original posted question answered and am very grateful for the experience and knowledge you guys can bring. I am going to get started back on my anti-d's today so hopefully my emotions will be able to be a little more under control. I seem to cry at the mention of Tim's name, his picture, thoughts.. whatever... so I need some help. I had stopped taking them the day after I found out I was pregnant and my OB gave me the green light a couple of months ago I just didn't want to put anything into my body I didn't need to.
Please continue to pray for us. God can work miracles and I have to keep reminding myself that God is in control. Even of me again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Patty