After 3 months, my WW (EA) seems to finally be coming out of her fog. Problem is, OM is really pursuing her: calls, love letters, gifts, etc... I realize he's in withdrawl, but WW can't/won't tell him off and believes she has it under control. But she's weak-willed IMHO (duh..she had an EA!). She finally changed her cell phone #, quit the gym and has made deep realizations about us (she's read Surviving An Affair, among other books). Anytime he calls/contacts her, I think she gets set back. I'm also worried he's going to stalk her. Any advice? What does a restraining order really do and do we have a case for one if my WW has been calling him tons up until a week ago? A few weeks ago, I did call him with some choice, logical, cuss-free words, but it didn't matter. He only became more aggressive. I'd like to simply kick his a$$ quite frankly. Survey says?

What a nightmare for you. The worst thing you can do is push her in ANY WAY to do anything here. That will only encourage her to defend him and push her closer to him. What needs to happen is a no contact letter followed by a restraining order. But it must be initiated by her.

Are you sure she is serious about a committment if she refuses to send a no contact letter? Her failure to do this is causing enormous damage to your marriage, as you can see. Not only does she go back to Day 1, but SO DO YOU! You are not in recovery as long as she stays in contact with this OM.

There is nothing for you to do, your w is an adult, does not belong to you, and will do whatever she wants. If she asks for your help, that would be good, doing this (NC with om) as a team is desireable, but is her call. All you can do is decide what YOU will do (and put up with). You (at this point) are simply a suitor (one of two at the moment it seems) pursueing this woman, so is the om, threatening him helps nothing, this is not caveman days. What seems to be happening is your w is not "over" the om, and is encourageing him and the om feels that so is pursuing hard. You should do the same with a terrific plan A (and you have the advantage cause she lives with you, and feels somewhat connected still by marriage).

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Calvin:
<strong>. I'd like to simply kick his a$$ quite frankly. Survey says?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I say kick his A$$.
Michael

Ah michael, isn't aggression so rewarding, that testosterone high, wheeeewweee. I wonder though, if his w is the prize, and the om kicks calvins a** does that mean he throws the woman over his shoulder and takes her back to his cave?

<small>[ January 05, 2003, 08:51 AM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

I agree with Michael! I say we all pile in the car and drive over and jump him!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Oh, Oh, monkey pile on OM's?? I wanna play. Let's pile all the OP's up together then we all the BS's get to pile on top. Sound like fun? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Cal - let me and Mike and Mel go kick his butt.

In the meantime, you kiss your wife's butt.

I suggest you ignore OM, although your worries about your wife being sucked back in are warranted. Keep doing whatever you did to foster the safe environment that produced her willingness to read SAA, quit the gym, etc. You're on the right track, no matter how you got there.

Take no action yourself with regard to OM. Yes, indicate your frustration and encourage your wife to write a no contact letter, but do not pressure this. Suggest it if you haven't already, but don't push.

I'll predict that OM's gonna dig his own grave and she will soon see him as a pest. She'll eventually tell him to bug off. IF after that, he continues to pester you two, THEN seek legal advice for what legal steps to take - with your wife taking the lead, hopefully.

Bottom line, stay on the moral high ground and do nothing that could generate sympathy for OM in your wife's eyes.

Calvin you need to calmly and respectfully sit down and talk to your W that the only way for your M is going to survive is if both of you agressively act like a team against the OM by telling him to leave you alone via a no contact letter explaining that a restraining order will be filed against him and his employer will be contacted, if he does not respect your wishes to stay away for good. She needs to know that if she is not willing to do this, then you will question her sincerity and resolve to work to rebuild the M. Kicking OM's [censored] will do nothing but get you in trouble and make OM look like a martyr in your W's eyes, is that what you want?

Good luck.

Ok Calvin, here goes my 2 cents.

Don't sink to the OMs or A level (A kicking stuff) but you can get the same results with some stragetic planning. Oooohhh is there a war going on???? Yep.

1. AS for the OM's gifts. Why waste a good gift?
Discuss it with your W and see if she would agree to giving the gifts to a charitable organization (women's shelter -etc.)
or return to sender..... address unknown

2. As for the phone calls... well if his calls are getting through them maybe hearing your sweet voice might give him goose bumps. I know that PBR sure didn't want to hear from me but she got that pleasure a few times. Again, discuss this with your W and assure here that no responses would be threatening, just sweet whispers which may include words like "OM, interesting message you left me (Calvin)..... you into men now? Let me pass your number off to (local gay bar). "

Record all incoming messages from OM and keep a log.

3. As for the love letters..... need to trash those. Make sure someone strong is opening each one (including e-mails). RE: incriminating evidence may be inside and you may need to keep it in event a harrasment order needs to be placed.

Last resort....... Let WAT call the OM!!! LOL!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> just kidding about WAT.
JMHO,
L.

I sent my H OW a NC letter (this was before I found this site <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ) In it I told her how he said he was disgusted and ashamed of himself over her and asked if that made her feel "special" I informed her I would be contacting her employer and as long as she kept calling my H at his job, I WOULD NOT STOP till she did. I also told her I would be in touch with her (i thought) exH. Imagine my surprise when i followed thru on my end only to find out they were also still married...separated to "work out their M" LOL The OW H was SHOCKED and demanding proof. Sooooooo I scanned all the things she gave my H (little love notes pieces of paper with her contact info on it etc...) And gleefully sent him them. I told him I was very sorry to be the bearer of bad tidings, but I couldn't see any other way to stop her. (I also forwarded him a copy of the NC letter I sent her) She has now lost custody of her son AND her job. Turns out the security company she works for doesn't want to be involved in a messy public lawsuit involving "intentional infliction of emotional distress" and basic stalking. I asked my H to write her employer a letter saying basically "i asked her to stop but she refuses, perhaps you can help me since shes calling while on the job" They called me and came thru very nicely. They gave her two chances and after the second call (in which she told my H he had NO RIGHT to tell ME about HER personal life so I could tell her H and she regretted ever meeting my H LOL)
In conclusion, let the OM do his worst...eventually your W will get tired of his drama and force an end to his shenanigans
sorry to be so long winded, lol but thats a problem I seem to have <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
Good luck and God Bless

I should have mentioned that D-day was 10/28/02...and she moved out 12/10/02 to "find herself" and "rid her life of OM." Of course she ended up talking to and meeting with him more than ever once she moved out. Since X-mas (spent apart), she says she's seen the light. I'd love to believe it, but I'm so ANGRY with her...she's told me she's seen the light too many times already, only to disappoint me greatly. But she did change her cell #, etc...

A few weeks ago, she did write a NC letter that I approved of, except instead of sending it, she decided to read it on the phone to him while I wasn't present. AAARGH! And of course the EA continued.

Since D-day up until move out day, I was kissing her butt (Plan A), but still grappling with a zillion questions. Once she moved out, I went to Plan B(?). Now that her month of being on her own is nearly up, she says she's seen the light but I'm still extremely angry that she upped the frequency and intensity of it with him while living on her own. I found this out from her cell phone bill, which came out right when she was saying she saw the light and wants our marriage back. There's nothing in me that believes that because she hasn't talked to him in almost a week that it's over with him...they've gone a week w/o talking before. Therefore, kissing her butt right now is close to impossible. I need to protect myself from continued dissappointment and hurt -- right?

What should I do? Forgive BIG TIME once again and possibly set myself up for additional HUGE hurt, or just keep to myself and let time and actions speak for themselves?

As for kicking his a$$, I wouldn't hunt him down, but if we cross paths somewhere in town or he physically stalks my W, he's not safe.

He's a fireman...should I notify his Captain that one of his men is harrassing/possibly stalking my wife?

Thanks for the thoughts/suggestions so far...

Calvin, let's get back to basics.

What have you done in your Plan A? What were your contributions to the poor marital environment and what have you done about it? How have you demonstrated your improvements?

Forget about OM - this is not about him. Forget about getting her to stop contacting him - you can't accomplish this.