Okay, night owls. I'm leaving you with a question...<P>W and I have not gone to counseling (alone or joint) in approximately four weeks. I was doubting whether it was working anyway, and my wife seemed to take a more superficial participation in it. <P>Although she has said that she would go with me, neither of our schedules (family obligations, kids sports and school events, work) have not allowed for another session. <P>Question is... Should I continue to go, even if alone, to sessions? Even if my wife cannot join me? Should she go alone, even if my schedule cannot match hers? Does individual counseling seem progressive towards a meaningful goal, or just spinning wheels?<P>Help -- keystone

keystone,<P>I am definitely NOT a night owl!<P>I have read alot on this forum where many people have not felt good came out of their counselling sessions. <P>My experience - I am going solo to a counselor, and I LOVE it! As a matter of fact, I have been going 4 1/2 months for weekly one hour sessions and am scared when my insurance will no longer pay!<P>If you have a good counselor and need someone to talk to and bounce your thoughts off, then by all means go. My counselor is certified in Marriage Therapy.<P>You mentioned in your post<P>"I was doubting whether it was working anyway..."<P>What are you expecting? The counslling will NOT reapair your marriage, nor will it solve or fix any problems for you as an individual and as a couple. The counselor should be there to guide you along lines of fallacy of thinking, point out aspects you might not have considered and give you tools and insight into what works and doesn't based on his/her training and experience.<P>I go each week and have been working on 2 things: one is still my marriage from a solo perspective. Talk about any interactions my H and I have had and how I reacted/acted in positive ways or not. Or how H did or said something that upset me and ways to cope or to point out to H in a supportive way this is NOT what I need from you. I guess for my marriage I am workingon communication, communication, communication. Secondly, I am working on me - survival skills for the now and for the future if I end up with or without my H, I will need some new skills to be able to cope with that, too!<P>I hope you can find some decent professional help. I wish we could all find some counselor who could take our problems away, but it isn't possible.<P>Keep the faith for YOURSELF! No matter what the future holds for any of us, we have to find within ourselves the strength to face it and rise victorious...<P>Roll Me Away

Go a lone if you have to but go. I know that alot on this board have had trouble finding a good counselor. I have been lucky twice. I would not have made it this far without them.THey are like my sounding board. They have helped me sort out my thoughts and feelings. They don't give me answers but they help me find my answers. They keep my thinking on the right track and they help me see what I have done and what I can do to better my self. But most of allthey have help me feel better about myself. I know that going to counselor is not what I expected, and no it didn't keep things from happening. But those things are beyond my control. But i was able to deal with them because of the help of my counselors.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Thanks for the posts --<P>I don't look to my counselor to "fix" my problems. What I do hope for is that the counselor will help facilitate communication between my W and myself. Perhaps to add some insights. To point out that perspectives change when seen through the eyes of another. To define why something like an emotional affair IS an affair.<P>I just don't know that if I go at it alone, it will have that effect. I also feel as though my W feels it's "lipservice" to go. <BR>Going alone doesn't give me a feeling that I'm any stronger emotionally. I find it just gives me another venue to vent. Perhaps that's good, I don't know.<P>-- keystone

Hey Keystone, <P>Right now my husband and I go to counseling alone to different counselors. I would have to say that it does help. Even though it is not joint YET, we each come home and talk or communicate about what we have learned from our individual sessions. Look at it this way, it can't hurt!!<P>And remember, Chin Up!!! E-mail if you need to or would like to.

Hey, Susan, good to hear from you! Hope all is well!<P>Toughest thing right now is the communicating. Aside from the sessions, there's not much talk about US between us. We're civil and everything, but my W doesn't want to open up and I'm trying not to push too hard for fear of LBing. <P>Lately, at least, she's been responding to e-mails that I'll send her from work during the day. One time, we actually got to the part about our relationship and she had a chance to vent. Also, she admitted her anger and resentment toward me. Not easy to take, but I'd rather know her feeling so that I can address them constructively.<P>I guess what I want to see is progress. But that won't come if W doesn't feel committed to the process of counseling. I guess that's my deilema.<P>-- keystone

Well, never give up the hope. Years ago when I realized that there was trouble in our marriage, I tried and tried to get my husband to go to counseling. He finally did go once and I always felt that it was just an effort to shut me up and not really a sincere effort or because he saw the need and wanted to. This time after I had the affair, I never mentioned counseling to him. I wanted it to be his decision if he wanted to go and not because he felt I wanted him to or he HAD to. I went for several times alone and never asked him to go. He did at one time mention that he could really see a change in me since I had begun. It took a while, but finally one day he came home and said that he too had an appointment. He made it on his own!!!! Matter of fact, he had a session today and called me later to say that she had given him a book to read. He said it was a good session and seemed to be really excited about it. <P>I know I have never mentioned in any of my posts, but this is the same man that years earlier he had an affair and was ready to leave me for the OW.<P>Good luck!! You never know, things change every day. Hopefully your wife will wake up and sense your devotion to the relationship. <P>Oh yeah, my internet software crashed and burned and along with it your e-mail address!<p>[This message has been edited by Susan (edited November 11, 1999).]

Hi Keystone -<P>I'm sorry that you guys can't get together on this...both the scheduling and the want of it.<P>Do you think that this particular counselor is right for you two? I ask only because there are counselors that have different approaches and I think you need one that deals in the best way to get things changing from the start..like Michelle Weiner Davis (I forget the word for the kind of counseling it is called - sorry). They offer ways of communication to start off with.... Is it a situational counselor?<P>Do you know the kind I mean?<P>They take your particular situation and work with it rather than do a general analysis of you and then of your wife.<P>It basically comes down to what you are getting out of the counseling as to whether you should keep it up...I would definitely go - but to someone who is helping me progress.....<P>Don't know if I've helped or confused you more by not remembering the exact kind of counseling but do what you feel with your gut!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba

Thanks, Sheba. You're still my hero! I'm trying SOOOOO hard to follow your advice from an earlier post, and it has been productive. Thank you.<P>Re: my W. I guess I wished she showed more interest, more concern about getting back to sessions. I don't know that a different type of counselor would be an improvement if she doesn't show an interest in going to ANYONE. And, not wanting to push her away, I'm trying to go along with her, but tactfully drop suggestions that it might be good to resume. <P>Truth be told, if we both REALLY wanted to get back in there, we'd find the way to!<P>-- keystone

I know that you would both be there if you both wanted to....<P>Isn't it funny how we can create barriers that sound so convincing?<P>Well, she doesn't want to go and face being shown that her thinking is wrong... so how do you make someone do that? UGH!!<P>The only thing is to use the fact that she at least said she'd do it and remove the scheduling excuse...<P>Perhaps a counseling change (either the counselor or the methods) should be considered....<P>Maybe you can discuss this with the counselor when you go alone...<P>Have you read Divorce Busting? I would explain to the counselor that activity is some form is needed . Have you told the counselor of Dr Harley's principles that you have learned?<P>Could the counselor make these a part of the therapy?<P>See what he/she says? Maybe they will have some ideas...after all they must have seen this kind of thing before, right?<P>Give it a shot!!!<P>Hugs,<P>Sheba<P>PS - I know that you have been trying and I am glad if I helped you in any way!! Makes me feel like I am good for something - if not for my H!!!<P>PSS - Drinking is the end of morality and usage of braincells!!!! LOL!!