She was my first, for everything. We met in HS, I as 17 and a SR, she was 16 and a JR. We got married when we were 19 and 18. Had our first son shortly after, then the second, and the third...

Jen,

My 'stats' are similar to yours. I met him my senior year of high school. We dated through college and married at age 24/25. He was my first lover. OM was my second.

During discussions of possible reconciling, I stated to my now ex that "Many couples experience and survive infidelity." His reply was "Not us, we were special".
He seemed to feel that if something as sacred as our union could be damaged, there'd be no chance of rebuilding it. The "specialness" was destroyed forever.

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 06:13 PM: Message edited by: Who's Hurting Now ]</small>

Jen,

As always glad to give you my perspective. I dont know what it is about that metamorphisis...from confident "dont you think my gf/wife is hot?" attitude to the insecure "you know they only want one thing?" attitude. Maybe it is because the recognize their faults in the men around them...maybe they realize that they love you for more than your body and they cannot handle encroachment of any sort. Who knows...maybe that too was a reason he found it easier to be friends with the dynamic duo...he didnt feel they would be his rivals when it came to you. My husband tells me all the time that I have no idea how jealous he really is. He is not stalker crazy about it but he says something happens everyday to bother him in this regard. He says just looking at the clothes I am going to wear to work starts his mind wandering, although in my defense I am extremely conservative. For example, I was telling him a news item one of the men, his name being Brett, in my office was relating to several co-workers...the story was interesting and dramatic...at the end of the story my husband looked blankly at me and said "Brett is a guy right?" He said it just bothered him that any guy talks to me. He says he knows it isnt justified and he is not running around picking fights. It just bothers him. Daily.

Basically he says if he were still the man he used to be and we were strangers, he would definitely hit on me. He says who wouldnt...he sees his former bad habits in all his former friends now, and really all men in general. Probably your husband sees that he fostered lustful feelings in his friends...he is angry at them, you, and himself.

The immature guy who is flaunting his wife like a trophy imagines his friends saying: "What a lucky guy." The older, wiser man realizes the other guys arent picturing him at all. They dont care how lucky he is...they just place themselves in his place in the fantasy. When the two persona's meet there usually is hell to pay...because basically he got what he didnt think he was asking for...other men to picture his wife in sexual encounters with themselves.

good thread jen...makes me think as well

ayslyne

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Who knows...maybe that too was a reason he found it easier to be friends with the dynamic duo...he didnt feel they would be his rivals when it came to you.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Holy cow aylsyne....I never, NEVER considered this before! Indeed, that is a very good reason why he may prefer having females for friends, and has cut off all of his male friends...makes some sense!

I just wish he could see how jealous I am of them....well, he does see it, and likes to exploit it...."see how much they appreciate me? see how well they cook and clean? blah blah blah see how much better they are than you?"

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> ...he sees his former bad habits in all his former friends now, and really all men in general. Probably your husband sees that he fostered lustful feelings in his friends...he is angry at them, you, and himself. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh wow...true enough. He is probably mad at himself for perhaps encouraging his friends to be lustful towards me....maybe he does actually accept some of the blame in all of this, but won't admit it?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> basically he got what he didnt think he was asking for...other men to picture his wife in sexual encounters with themselves. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I remember sort of hitting on this idea ages ago in some other thread and not quite seeing it as clearly as I do now. Scary stuff.

I know a huge part of my H's self-confidence came from having a beautiful woman as his wife, he's said this to me fairly recently. Now combine that with realizing that his tendancy to enjoy it when his friends also lusted after me (something he inappropriately took as an ego boost, "Hey, your wife is hot man! So therefore you're cool man!"). I never saw these two things as something that may have inadvertently encouraged one or more of his friends to cross the line.....wow. One more possible contributing factor to add to the list.

However, I am guessing that at this point I don't dare point this "contributing factor" out to him, since it accuses him of being at fault......

Thanks again ayslyne....and good luck with that jealous H of yours. At least that tells you how much he loves you I guess!

Jen

<small>[ January 06, 2003, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

Thanks Jen,

This behavior reminds me of when men have daughters and realize they do not want them to date someone like themselves. They know what is on their mind, how they operate because they were the same way once.

Even though I think he needs to know how he contributed I completely agree he will probably have some holy fit, act badly, same nasty things, threaten divorce, etc...but I really dont think he has the guts or the desire to see it through. I envision that conversation as somewhat of an intervention...he will balk at the idea, blame the world and everyone else but I think there is still some part of the potential man he once carried still buried inside somewhere. Like the time he was very cruel to you...lying about his activities while you were apart...at the time he wanted to bring you as low as he felt but even he has his limits. He did offer some form of apology after that encounter. You just have to be prepared for that reaction. It will be bad and his fury will be focussed on you but I think it will be cathartic.

These things are all gnawing at him...he may not recognize them for what they are but things are not going as he planned. He is grappling with the fact that he set himself up as a winner because he had a hot sexy wife...now he has to deal with the fact that he feels like a loser for serving her up on a silver platter to his friends. No matter what he tries to tell you there is still that voice of insecurity in his head that says :"look at her she is fantastic, everything I have ever wanted, and I wasnt enough." He needs a wake up call Jen...although we stand on opposite sides we are very much in the same boat. Our husband deal with things in very hurtful ways to escape their own shortcomings. Hang in Jen...with men like ours nothing is easy.

ayslyne

He was definitely my first and still my only. Wish that were true for him too. We've known each other since we were 5. We went to school together but didn't start dating until we left school at 18. We married when we were 23. We were best friends forever and I loved him for so long before we were even together.

I thought what we had was so very special and I still do. I can't imagine my life without him but it seems the choice is not mine to make. Seems a lifetime together and two very young children is worth sacrificing for a risky relationship with 21 year old (H 32). Guess the excitement and fantasy far outways anything we ever had. It's a shame he didn't share with me all of his feelings before we brought two innocent children into this world.

HRO

dear jen i met my H when i was 12 he was 17 we dated all that time, was married at 19, baby at 21 and 23. i started an A with best friends H and continued for 18 months. H just found two months ago and we are trying very hard to make this work. we are 32 and 37 now and don't know where we go from here. i have been reading a lot on this site and finding a lot to help me realize i am not the only one that can do something this bad to the person i love.

I got married at 19, I was pregnant. My mother kept saying you have to get married, And I probably couldn't have stayed at home, or they would have treated me like crap if I did. We had a lot of problems the first few yrs, affairs etc, but finally things got better, well until this. Now I find out he resents everything so I get left taking care of everything and everyone. I guess he did the right thing in the beginning tho, so I should just excuse what he's doing now.

I married really young. In fact, my H wasn't even old enough to drink on the day of the wedding. My mother & I probably had to kill over half the pitcher ourselves, lol.

My H and I met in homerooom in high school. Our first date was on Valentine's day at age 15. He told me when we went to separate colleges that one day we would "be one." I didn't believe him. 4 years later, after graduating from college, we married. Waited 16 years before having children, and during our 25th year I found out he had been having a 3 year affair that produced a child.

Losing that special sexual relationship with him that had belonged to no other has been devastating. It has damaged me as well.And now, our marriage is over.

I miss the old him. The new him I don't like much.

Me and my husband met when he was 16(sophomore), and I was 17(junior)...He was my first love, lover, everything...I was his second...We moved in together the day after he graduated high school, married in 98...This year will be 10 years for us. I had an affair beginning 2 years ago with a co-worker, and fell deeply in love with this person. I have never revealed this to my husband. It is very hard to start out so young and maintain a marriage, I would advise anyone to wait. I love my husband but have lots of mixed feelings towards him. I just live day to day, and me and the OM are back to friends now.