Thanks everyone, Yes I will let him post, I hope he does again. I am trying to be patient and do feel better tonight. I will give him space if he needs it, I think I need some too.

>>>>>I am not making excuses for my immoral actions, past or present. I am working on the future. I AM seeing a couselor, I AM willing to take the meds. I did stop lying to my W, and I did set a date for ending the affair, and I have been 100% honest with my own counselor, who has seen notable progress.<<<<<

Needtofixme: Everything above in your post about what you are doing to get things right is great except for one thing---setting a date for ending the affair. If you are serious about making things right w/ DBD, then you need to end the affair NOW!!! Then and only then--in my opinion--would that prove that you are serious about making amends. You and DBD need to work TOGETHER to see if what you have is salvageable. I don't see what the significanc of waiting until your anniversary is......stop the A now and a year from now call it the anniversary of your new marriage to DBD.

<<<bump>>>>

Went to counseling today. Told my counselor about everything...He understood why my wife was so upset. Guess I need to really think about things this weekend. Will need some time away from everyone, I think. Getting tired of things, just plain tired. I know my wife is/has been. Can't figure out how I let myself get to be this way. I wasn't always this way, really. Anyway, couselor wants to bring my W in to discuss things. Was just listening to an old 3 dog night song "easy to be hard" ...guess the lyrics are true.

ntfm,
I'm so glad you are posting!!! Welcome to MB!!!

You can do this. You can pull through this. It's ok to need some alone time, but I think you might feel better if you will lean on this community for support, understanding, and some principles to get started with. There are lots of people on this forum who are going through, and HAVE SURVIVED what you and dbd are going through. Let us help you.

Have you read some of the other posts by WS's? I bet you can relate BUNCHES to the way they feel/felt, and can see light at the end of the tunnel. dbd LOVES YOU, and wants to move forward with you. You are blessed to have her by your side... and she is working so hard on herself to be the best dbd she can. Step up and do the same.... k?

What do you think? Keep posting.... k?

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 04:43 PM: Message edited by: Faith1 ]</small>

Thanks Faith1 and everyone else for responding to both of us. If he needs space from me I will give it to him, I am pretty burned out myself and nothing constructive is being done right now.

Alright..... N2FM & DbD,

Sounds like a good progressive session there N2FM. I hope you 'time alone' helps. Of course you really need to be 'alone'.....ok? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Let's see if we can find Trueheart and Redhat. RedHat has a letter that Trueheart wrote to my H who was a WS. (You can get the abbreviation breakdown from DbD later). Trueheart posts here and he is an XWs with a lot of good insight. There are several Xws' here so you are not alone in sharing your feelings.

Isn't it good in a way to get it out in the open? Now you can begin to concetrate on the real issue and not worry about holding or hiding things.

For now, spend this time in deep mediation with some self-soul searching. If A's are that great, it can wait. If the M is better, you'd better hurry up. (at least that's my opinion - LOL!!)

take care U 2,
L.

He always says he needs time alone, but he never takes it alone. When he means alone, he means away from me and me pressuring him. The OW is of course not pressuring him because she doesn't know what is going on. I think I am about ready to give up. I don't have the strength for this anymore and he is not willing to help. My needs have not been met for so long now I don't feel a lot left. Especially after the last few weeks, the holidays really did me in.

dayby,

sounds good..you know what is best for you ...and do what you feel is right for you...

Only you know when you will reach that point of knowing you have done all you feel you could have done...

peace to you dayby
ARK

Well, needtofixme, you said you were going to work on sat. and read and post on MB. I wish if you were serious you would do it. if not just don't say anything at all. That's why I don't trust or believe the things you say, because you don't follow thru.

<small>[ January 11, 2003, 02:58 PM: Message edited by: day by day ]</small>

dbd,

I hear you and understand your need to vent. Here's the hard part. This place has become a place for both to come and learn.

So decide if your venting is going to benefit or put him back into hiding with the OW. This is a hard place to be but it can also be beneficial. Very fine line here.

You have my addy and if I will check it out tonight. I am stuck at work right now so I will check back later.

Just something to think about.

L.

I know, Orchid, I did go edit it. Will e-mail you.

DbD,

Well I didn't mean to push you to edit it, just FYI for future postings. There were several couples posting here before..... all with different reactions. Bottom line was the attitude of each person.

Some of the better results were Knewjie/[H], Zorweb/STL, KS/SEM and a few more.... so see there are good examples.

Main thing is that u2 are communicating. He does know what you sound like and look like. He may be afraid of hearing too much truth. Ok lower the dosage but keep the medicine flowing. Need to setup an IV? Hm..... call in the MBers for support. We have a few MB docs/nurses/therapists and those candy stripers (who are all on call - LOL!!!) They can help a true hearted WS in distress. But the heart must be pumping (for the family - not for the A). Having an A is like.... bad blood, ya know? It is red but not real. YUCK!!! No transfusions needed, just need to keep the ticker pumping. That is what the WS needs a jump start to his heart!

Note that the heart is in the upper portion of the body not the lower. So tell him to keep his pants on and work on improving his quality of life. Oh boy.... going on a roll here and I'd better stop - LOL!!

Anyways I know you know what I mean!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

take care,
L.

I called him tonight and told him I couldn't see him until he ended it. It's just too hard.
What's the point? I just get upset and act *****y to him and that isn't going to help. and it just hurts too much to see him knowing he is sleeping with her every night and playing the family man with her and her kids. I guess I thought he was getting out of the fog but I don't know. Just too tired and confused. I keep screwing up on normal things that I've never had a problem with and feeling foggy myself. Time for a bit of a break to clear my own head.

Dbd,

I am going out on a limb here but I think that confusion in the WS is good. RE: If the A was such a good thing, there would be no confusion.

Confusion is a sign that a conscience is still out there, very weak but still working. Family blood is thick and not easily thrown away.

You get some rest and take care of yourself. Let him run around in his confused state until he realizes that it is not healthy for him and makes a decision. If he is smart, he will come home (if you let him). If he isn't smart, he will choose a miserable life and the Ow will eventually get the blame or walk out on him, leaving him to be a lonely old man. I know you don't want that , but that may be his choice.

So for now that piece is in his court and if he thinks it is hard now, it will be harder later without his family to help him.

That means you have to keep up your strength. Either way you have to keep up your strength.

Let us know how you are doing.

take care,
L.