This is my major question after my therapy session today. I was relieved about my WS's tearfulness after being intimate last night. The therapist suggested that maybe he cried because he knows that it is over between us.

He suggested that the danger with someone with my current viewpoint is that I may be fooling myself. He may be right. Here I am again in the same position as before.

It is close to 8 PM. I don't know where my WS is and I can't reach him.

He has not indicated that he is not making contact. He has simply refused to talk about the subject of the OW, stating " I'm taking care of that". The therapist also suggested that it will be very difficult for my WS to end the relationship given its longevity (almost a year) and her immaturity. What do you think?

What do I need to do? Do I insist on some communication from him regarding the nature of their contact.

The therapist further suggested that we do couples counseling if my WS is really committed to our relationship. He has not said that he is; he just hasn't left yet or talked about leaving again.

I'm thoroughly confused but do have an appointment set up with Dr Harley for Thursday morning.

mimi,

I know it's tough, but I would sit tight until after talking to Dr Harley. He was sooo helpful to me in providing a clear cut direction. He knows his stuff.

D

Mimi,

You know better why your WS cried than the counselor does. You know him and you were there. I would just keep doing what you are doing, with NO lovebusters, until you talk to Harley on Thursday. Please don't make any moves until that time.

I'm feeling better! I called my WS and he answered the phone at his office. I hate continuing to do all this checking though. One good thing I definitely know is that we are talking more that we've talked in months. I mean really talking and listening to each other. It seems strange, like I'm just getting to know him again. I have really not been paying him enough attention, taking him granted.

I can't help but wonder what is going on.

What do you suppose my WS has said to the OW? The therapist thinks they can't break off contact easily. Yet he seems to be really TRYING with me. I wouldn't think she's happy with this. Has he given her a line to make her back off for awhile? Are they continuing to see each other during the day; I don't think so,she seems to need to work hard for her money? or has he really told her NO CONTACT? I don't think the latter. That would be too much of a miracle.

Why should I care, right? I just don't want to have my hopes built up. It seems to be going almost too well. The quiet before the storm...

Is he trying to wait until the drama of last week cools down? Is he trying to have his cake and eat it too again? I wonder....

Thats good news! Do you think he is not calling you in order to get a reaction out of you? I would tell him how upsetting it is to not know where he is and ask him if he would call you when he is going to be late. How would he react to that? Would he appreciate that as a desirable gesture [which expresses his value to you] on your part or would he do just the opposite in order to get a rise out of you?

Before D-Day I always asked him to call me if he was going to be late and he never did. This went on for about a year. That just brings back bad memories of same old behavior that got me nowhere. At least, I have been able to contact him now. In the past, the cell phone was off and no answer at the office. The sad part is that even though he is not with the OW he does not want to come home. I need to address that issue, don't I?

Mimi,

Hopefully, one result of your Plan A will be his desire to come home. Maybe his reluctance to come home will change soon? Other things seem to be changing. Does he say why he doesn't want to come home?

I can't imagine either what he has told the OW, but it sure sounds like he is pulling away from her. As you continue to attract him, he will probably continue to withdraw from her. When he withdraws from her, she may start to love bust, which will help things along. Its not over yet, though, and sometimes they have trouble withdrawing before the final break.

He wants that DOMESTIC BLISS, peace and quiet, which is hard to achieve with a teenage son. I've arranged to get my son out of our common area at a decent time and I am regularly going to bed at the same time as my H. I've noticed that he likes these changes and he's surprised by them. I don't know how I can beat the fantasy world he is able to create with her. He has to be willing to spend time alone with me again and that's not happened yet.

I know, regrettably, it will be awhile before its over.

This may seem like a strange question but do you think I should use her real name when I refer to her. My WS and I have been calling her "THAT GIRL". This description came from him. Do you think if I use her name it will make it more real to him that I know and will not put up with it? Just wondering.

Mimi,
I don't know if you should use her name. I hope a WS will see your question and answer.

About that fantasy. Fantasies wear off eventually and I suspect his is nearing its end. A year is a long time for a fantasy. And yes, you can beat that fantasy because yours is a real, lasting love. He doesn't have that with her. He probably doesn't even like her beyond her use to fulfill his need for admiration. Once you start filling that need - which you ARE - he will pull more towards you.

Good thinking about ensuring some peace and quiet for him! That adds another reason for him to come home!

And Mimi, while it may not be over, I think you are on the right road and have much to be hopeful about. At least the truth is out now and you have somewhat of a direction here. You will feel even better after you talk to Steve Harley.

Mimi- it would be easier to keep up with you if you didn't start so many new threads. I just posted to you on your old thread, but maybe I should be posting on this one?

As for the OW, does your H know you know her name? Make it clear to him that you know her identity. But after that point is made, you can refer to her as that girl if your h does too. Whatever you do, don't call her anything insulting and cause your H to defend her. You can ask your H questions about her if it shows her to a disadvantage. This one is tricky. During my H's A, he started confiding in me about OW's defects and the stuff about her that made him uncomfortable.

I would give your H a week or two of ignoring her existence. Don't worry if he's sneaking to see her- for the moment. But do try to keep him busy and at your side as much as possible. Tempt him with fun things to do. Cook a special dinner- make sure he knows you're keeping it warm in the oven for him. Say, honey, when will you be home- I don't want the roast to dry out....

As for separation, how long have you been in Plan A? When was Dday? I am glad you are contacting Steve Harley- he is good help.

Just a hint.... I call the OW by her 'married name'. No 1st name basis: Mrs. H......

This help put the Ow out there as a non family member. Help keep the distance. When she called, he would tell me 'your friend called'..... that made me mad, she certainly wasn't my friend. He doesn't say that anymore but then again, I haven't heard that PBR calls anymore anyway.

Eventually H asked if I thought the OW was a 'non-human'. Without batting an eye, I said "yes".

My quick response surprised both of us. LOL!!!

L.

Looking back over the pattern of my WS' affair, they really only became outlandish over the past two months. My WS began leaving for entire weekends, coming home at midnight on the weekend, leaving in the early afternoon on the weekend. He even stayed out all night when I went on a business trip and tried to pretend like he did not with my son. My son called me Long Distance and told me he was concerned that my WS did'nt come home. Despite this behavior, he would always call me, give some lame excuse and say "I'm Sorry". It was almost like he was out of control and wanted me to eventually catch him.

I had different reactions ranging from anger to tearfulness. He has acknowledged that he was most guilty when I was NICE to him; I was using MB without knowing it. On the occasions when I was being outlandish and I would react angrily, he would say "Do you want me to leave?" as if he wanted me to push him out rather than leave on his own. He said that often. I ALWAYS said "I don't want you to leave, you have to leave on your own"; another use of MB.

The only time he talked about separation was after ALMOST being caught on 12/27/02 and eventually being caught on 12/31/02. He was stupid enough to go back to the SAME MOTEL where I found him by phone the first time.

I know her name, address and place of business. He knows very well that I know this. I accused him of her for weeks before D-Day and he vehemently denied it, saying I need to leave "that girl" alone. I did call her at work, leaving MY NAME and asked her a neutral question about her profession. I said nothing to her about suspecting an A with my WS. She said "Am I supposed to know you?" I also had a citing of her while I was driving in her neighborhood. When she saw me, she started "running" into the house she was visiting. It was comical and SCARY at the same time. That's when I learned how young /slutty looking she is.

Like I told my husband last night, I had so much "Admiration and Respect" for him that I never dreamed that he would do something like this. I took him for granted I know. I keep telling him all the things that now I know I did wrong. I stopped doing the special things that he liked. I can't understand WHY!

Mimi,

Hope all is going well with you. How did your session with the Harleys go?