Taking control and getting more counseling. This is what I need. I talked to my Dr. they are going to investigate the new anti-depressant, and see if that is advisable. Also, they want me to see a psychiatrist. But I told them I have no insurance, it was cancelled. I set up an appt. with another counselor, and start this week with him. Also, counseling with First Step. Yes, I am joining the Cell Group at church. A relative of my husband called me yesterday evening, and said please get into the cell group.

So these are my steps for now. Plus trying to get some exercise into my day, and trying to plan to do something everyday just for me. Been thinking of trying to paint. I have some cast iron pans, that I painted with spray paint, flat black. Would like to paint them, and sell them. So maybe I will try. Take some time to do something for myself. Right now I need to take things slowly, and during this time organize, and sell things. Hoping that I can help my husband, organize and sell things too. I feel this would make him much happier. I still do love him very much.

I need to get my hair colored, and am going to make an appt. for that. Possibly thinking of getting a perm, to change the style of my hair. Make it more bouncy, and lively.

I am starting to lose some weight again. I guess the depression of pain, is causing my appetitie to leave again. One thing during the day, is that the little kitties, hang around me. Demsey the gray fluffy one wants to sit in my lap, while I sit on the couch. So the warmth is there, and I feeel he is comforting me. Just like our bird, she lays on my chest while I lay on the couch with a heating bad on my shoulder. Animals give unconditional love. One day I am hoping that SNL will beable to give me unconditional love.

I ordered some books today, for self intervention. Also, ordered some magazines on health. Just needing to work on me, and making this home more healthy, and not so negative air flow. Talking to my massomasologist, we talked about negative air, and yes, I need to change things here.

One other thing, I was thinking of asking SNL to go out this weekend. To see a movie, a funny one, that our oldest daughter saw, and she said her and her friend were just rolling in the aisles. So do you think this is advisable to see a movie with laughter, and possibly going out to eat prior, or after? Just wondering. I would like to have some good times with my husband. And show him that I do care about him, and love him.

Talking to the counselor, I have issues to deal with. So does my husband, but I want to work on myself. I want him to see, that I am a very bright, loving wife, and caring wife.

Well, I guess I will go lay down, the meds are trying to take hold of my mind. Hate taking these drugs to mask the discomfort. But I need some sleep. Hopefully, tomorrow, I will beable to take a quick nap.

Hows the weather where you all are? It is cold, and wintery here. A good time to cuddle up to the fire place and read a good book. Good night. Good night SNL, thank you for your help tonight.

<small>[ January 08, 2003, 12:40 AM: Message edited by: Faith4me ]</small>

Your plan for yourself sounds great Faith4me!

That's a lot of things to start doing all at once so don't get discouraged if it doesn't go as fast or as well as you want it to at first--the important thing is to keep going toward your goal even in the face of setbacks.

You didn't get to this point overnight and you won't get out of it overnight either--but you'll be surprised at how little things will add up into a big thing!

As far as movie with snl, I would caution against thinking it's more than just a little break from the stresses of life. If you ask him, know in advance if you will pay, if you will ask him to pay, or if you'll go dutch. Maybe you could bring snacks (I know, I know, you're supposed to buy from the concession--that's why I buy a pop, but I get the snacks from my pocket LOL)

Have a good myomassology session tomorrow!

Take care Faith4me

I am very impressed with your plans, sounds awesome. BTWAY, what is the cell group at church?

Have you thought about divorcecare at your church or another one nearby.. it just helps you deal with seperation, and possibly reconciliation.. IT REALLY HELPED ME A LOT! You can find one at divorcecare.com

Hugs to you Faith. I too need to work on negative air flow in my home. I get so depressed, my house and the stuff in it take over.

I am selling my overflow of stuff on ebay right now.. kids clothes they have outgrown, old books we don't need, vhs videos by the truckload I have no place to put, etc. I have too much stuff.. and time to get control of it! Hugs, you are not the only one.

It is hard, when we want someone to help us with the mess, and our spouse and kids; don't want to be there, and harder when in pain. ... Take it day by day, hour by hour if you have to.

I am proud of you and your new work on you! Good for you, you can take better care of you, and now is a great time to do it.

Hugs, HONEY

Faith, your plan sound good as long as you're doing it for you! Your focus needs to be on you. If he doesn't notice or doesn't seem to care, it doesn't mean it isn't worth it or the changes aren't there or good enough. Any changes you make for you that make you happy and feel better ARE GOOD ENOUGH!! Take care!

The cell group - is a light hearted bible study. They have a format that they work on. And I was told if there are other areas the group would like to work on, mention it. They know the situation that I am in, and just to be around people that are willing to listen, and open up their arms, and be there. Talking to the man that heads the group, he told me he would like my input, and believes that they could help me with my depression with the power of God.

Looking back at what I wrote, is a awful lot. I am not ready to go back to school. Mind is not focusing yet, so I need to beable to focus first. I need to work on myself first, and get my head straight, and working in a straight line forward. No waivering, or making a U-turn (maybe a little), but realizing the path is straight ahead and the light is flickering faintly, and as I move ahead, it will become more brighter.

Massomasology - yesterday was a workout. Yes, I know it is needed, but the pain started around 1 or 2am. The throbbing, and moving of the arm just a little, caused so much pain in the shoulder. The throbbing is spasms, she dug into my arm, and worked on the throbbing, cause it was hurting some when I saw her, and it will she said. I once again yelled out in pain, as she was working. Hoping maybe this time the after effects wouldn't be as bad. Maybe next time.

I called SNL when the pain got so bad. Had taken my pills 2 hours before, so was afraid of taking anything more. He was pollite, and did recommend taking another pain pill and motrin. So I did, and it took awhile, and trying to elevate this arm, sleeping on my left and putting more pillow in front of me to raise my right arm was challenging. I did finally fall asleep, and slept till 10am. I laid in bed for awhile, resting.

Well, have to get going on my doing the animals, and maybe just resting on the couch. Pain, is here and will take more pain meds shortly. I can't drive anywhere, cause the pain meds cause drowziness.

Faith,
Hi, I missed this name change <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> .

You do have a lot of good resolutions.

I really encourage you with the exercise one. I've been working out for 8 months and, even if I still have 10 pounds to lose, I feel strong and fit, my moods don't swing, and I can manage my stress much better. I think if you do the exercise it will give you the energy for the rest of it.

Best wishes to you.

My workouts can only exist of maybe the treadmill. As for the physical therapy,I use 1# bar bells, just to do some exercises, to strengthen my arm and shoulder after surgery. Nothing strenous, and a stretching band. I am going to try the treadmill, and see if I can get on a program with that. Have to take it easy with this recovery, been having a rough time, but seeing progress.

Around late this morning, I was feeling dizzy. And I think this is related to taking another pain pill very early this morning. This is the 3rd time this has happened the dizziness. So going to call the Dr. and find out some info from him.

My oldest daughter called, to look at one of the horses leg. It was caught in a fence a few days ago. I had to check on the swelling, and look at the sore. So our oldest son drove me to the barn, and both of us got the horse separated with grain, and the cut seems to be doing quite well. Very little swelling, and she isn't lame, and she allowed me to touch it. So that was a good sign. Anyways, I feel better about the horse, and my son really helped me. He is terrific!