This is a vent. This is ONLY a vent. I promise this stuff comes out here and goes away, I won't LB my W or anything like that. I'll do all that here.

Just having a lot of trouble with patience today and hating the fog a lot. I was finally starting to get into a good place right before the holidays. I felt I was doing the best I could do live my life, learn, be a better person, and I was feeling good, despite the fact that my W wasn't reaching out to me and contact was so limited. Then, a week ago, I had that 2 hour phone call from my W and it seemed like things were looking up -- We exchanged emails, she mentioned calling me again, I felt like I'd reached a breakthrough. Now today, I'm starting to get impatient again -- It's like an addiction to me I guess! Just like W got addicted to OM, I feel like I'm addicted to her now. She seems to know just when I'm finally getting at peace with things...At that point she reappears, things go well, then she's off into the void again. It's frustrating as heck.

I really don't want to force no contact on my W, I feel like when we DO have contact that it's a positive thing. To me, after we talk or even exchange a friendly e-mail it makes me happy. Makes me feel good. Makes me feel like I am showing my W that I am changing and doing better, better than all the LBing and weeping I did after D-Day.

The emotional rollercoaster seems to work this way for me -- Right after talking to W I am on cloud nine. I usually try and keep in contact with her after that, with email, since I don't want to seem uninterested or make her think I don't appreciate it when she contacts me. Then it seems to taper off slowly again, she responds to an email, I write back, she responds more slowly, I write back, then...no response at all. And her favorite thing is to tell me "I'll call you later in the week" just to never call. I wonder why she does this? She's done it since she moved out, and I hate it. I know it's bad to have false hope, but when she says that, I can't help but get expectations up. When she doesn't call, of course I take that as a "I was going to call you but I had something better to do." I hate that.

So, I feel good right after we talk, then I go into a funk again after she starts to taper off on me...Then I go dim on her again and it seems like just as I am feeling better again from not having to deal with it for a while, she contacts me and the cycle starts all over again. I'm not losing love for her, I don't want to go totally dark on her, I don't see what good that would do at this point. She obviously is still interested in me but to what degree? As a friend? As a husband again, maybe not now, but in the future? I'm just not sure. If only I could read her mind!

The good points are this -- One week ago, I had a 2 hour phone call with W and it was great. We talked like friends again, for the first time since D-Day it felt like all of the discomfort was lifting. And not ONCE did my W bring up divorce, even though her last e-mail before Christmas said she wanted to get together and go over the dissolution documents she filled out. I still do sort of dread divorce coming up again, because her mentioning it, to me anyway, would tell me that nothing has changed since then and she's not coming out of the fog at all. Every day WITHOUT divorce talk is good, so I am thankful for that -- I am also thankful that I at least still have some sort of contact with W. I just wish things would follow some sort of positive pattern instead of these sudden jolts just to go back to the way they were again.

** end vent -- thanks for listening! **

ALS

This is a vent. This is ONLY a vent. I promise this stuff comes out here and goes away, I won't LB my W or anything like that. I'll do all that here.

Good job. Better here than at her.

** end vent -- thanks for listening! **

NP, it's what we're here for <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . Sorry it's been like this. Try not to let it get you down. Remember, the best thing you can do for you and her, is to live well.

ALS,

Just a quick thought. The next time that she establishes contact, would you be willing to try an experiment? Don't follow up. Let her contact a second time. See what happens. I bet if you are a little bit elusive towards her, you will see her come closer to your direction.

I agree with Kily. Though it will take some patience, it may be worth a shot.

MTD

A Lost-

This is a must. Got to Michele Weiner Davis's divorce busting site.

Then order The Divorce Remedy. Read about the 180 and the last resort Technique. You will find it inspiring! It worked for me and know wife is considering reconsilliation. Once that things happens you can work on the EN's but your wife needs to want you to fufill those EN's right now she doesn't care if you do or not, but there is a way for her to get to that point. I felt like I was addicted too. This book helped me break that habit and once you do she will come runnin!

Please give it a try, and post to me what you think. There are success stories on the site as well from people that used these techniques.

Let me know what you think & GOOD LUCK

Thanks everyone, for listening! I like to vent here, I never do it to W. That will never happen again.

You know what, Kily -- That really isn't a bad idea! I may as well give it a try. It does seem like backing away may be the way to go lately. At first, when she moved out, I backed away and she was happy to oblige and do the same, though lately, especially with contact becoming more friendly and positive, perhaps I do need to let her initiate. I'm definitely done writing emails, my rule is never to write 2 in a row. If I don't hear back, it's her turn. Phone calls: I let her make them ALL. I don't call her place. She never asked me NOT to but I just don't do that.

Rlyhurtin: I do visit the DB site and Michelle has some good stuff there. I plan to read her book after I finish all my Harley books, probably in a couple weeks. I am familiar with the 180 technique though, and I do believe I have done some of that. It's hard to do when my W isn't even living with me but I am trying to apply some of that 180 logic to things as well and I do believe it meets with some results. However, the bottom line still is how well are things with OM -- As long as he is keeping my W happy and content, she forgets about me. So it doesn't really matter what I do then, what DOES matter if OM starts to LB, I need to look good in case of that.

I think I may actually be able to find a scientific pattern to all this. It seems like I rollercoaster for about a week after speaking to my W, after the week or so I usually start to feel better so I'm figuring tomorrow and over the weekend I'll do better again. Until the next call of course, then I'll be addicted again!

ALS

It's only been a few months since your dday, so why not remind yourself of this so that your expectations don't become unrealistic and sabotage all your efforts to change?

ALS, I think venting is healthy and doing it here is the way to go. That way you can get it out, and not do it by LBing on W.
Keep up your good work and efforts. And when you feel like screaming, come here and do it!
Repressing the feelings is never healthy, and those here should understand and care, as I do.
Rlyhurtin has a good suggestion there. I think I'll look into that site and book myself. Just for insurance although things are going great with Ws and I. All information is helpful and being prepared is the best advantage. God bless, LouLou

Thanks for your kindness, everyone. As you can see by my other recent thread here, I did get a call on the day of the vent. Be careful what you wish for, they say, because that called turned into a big relationship talk and it went sour.

I really can't explain why I said what I said and allowed the talk to get so heavy, but I know it didn't do any good, and I came off yet again pressuring my W and making me look controlling and unrelenting in my pursuit of our M.

On the bright side, at least she knows I still want our marriage, though on the down side, I learned that she is still as against our marriage as she was on D-Day almost 3 months ago.

I'm hanging in there, but it's going to be rough for a while until I get the chance to talk with my W again and hopefully get back on track.

ALS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ALostSoul:
... though on the down side, I learned that she is still as against our marriage as she was on D-Day almost 3 months ago. ...</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe half of what you see and none of what you hear.

Thanks for the reminder, whippit -- I really do need to rememeber that.

I spent the day with an old high school bud of mine, so that was cool, it helped keep my mind off things. I still wish I could take back that phone call on Thursday, though, but what's done is done.

At least I know where my wife stands right now, though I hope that my words didn't push her away again.

Will keep everyone posted, though I don't expect any contact from her for some time.

ALS