I am getting so discouraged. Do you ever have days where you wonder why you've done all that you've done in plan A. Why do we hang on these shreds of hope for so long? I am having a really bad day where none of this makes any sense anymore.

I am not at a point where I feel I am truly ready to file for D, but also do not feel as if I have any kind of marriage at this point. We have been separated for a year. WH still works with OW. WH is depressed, but refuses to do anything constructive to improve his life. WH has shown no indication of wanting to work on the M.

He calls periodically and I've left him messages about my father who was back in the hospital for cardiac problems again this week. I think that's what is hitting me right now. What kind of relationship is it when you cannot get support for this kind of thing. My friends and my boss have been there for me, but WH has not really been there throughout all of this. He calls and tells me he's sorry to hear about my father, but doesn't want to hear me cry about the fact that my father is in such dire straits(six times in the hospital in one year).

I cried so hard yesterday thinking about my parents who have managed to stay married for more than 40 years through some very difficult times and my WH cannot even agree to a single MC appointment.

Sorry to whine.

I just wonder when I am going to better understand and have some clarity about what I should do. Keep waiting? File for a D?

USH,

In my opinion, if you aren't sure what you want to do, you're not ready to make any big decision. Kind of the "still gathering information" stage.

I know since you've been here longer than me that you know that Plan B is for you not about H.

I think you'll know when it's time for you to take action. Blessings, CSue

Unsure,

Hi, I don't think I've ever posted to you before. I am just 1 yr. yesterday past my H leaving. I just want you to know there IS a reason for plan A even if you don't recover your marriage. I was in the same stage you are in just a few short months ago. Time truly has healed me. I am finally off the roller coaster. I NEVER thought that day would come. It does. You will know when and how, when the time comes. Follow your instincts and do the things that you feel good in your mind and heart about doing. My marriage hasn't recovered, maybe you don't want to hear that, I know I didn't want that. But you know I am fine about it now. And I know that it is because I gave my all, Plan A'd and did what everyone here says "Work on YOU" My life is improving and I am happy. Things can get better, but you have to believe that and act on it. It won't just happen magically. Take care and believe. You WILL make it.

Sharon

csue -- Thanks. I know plan B is to protect me and I have felt better being removed from his day-to-day baloney and victimization. I think I'm just having a hard time right now with my father in the hospital and realizing that WH is still living in his bubble. I think I believed that somehow I would have an "answer" by now. Maybe I'm not ready for the answer and that is the problem.

footballwidow - I've followed your story as much as I can and am amazed at the point you've recently come to as our situations are similar (WH is complete denial, anger, wanting to be the victim, making somebody else do the dirty work, etc). I am just feeling incredibly down today and feeling discarded. I know that WH knows I'm having a hard time with my family situation as I have the awkward situation of working in the same field/close relationship between our organizations with both WH and OW. People inadvertently tell me about WH all the time and short of announcing in a meeting that I don't want to hear about WH because he's having an A I can't really keep from hearing about it. Plus, those that know about it in the field are compelled to tell me all the time that they cannot understand it, how sorry they are for me and that I should be moving on. Yuck.

My only response right now is that I'm mostly fine considering the circumstances and thanks for their concern.

I have good days and bad days. Thankfully more good days than bad (I couldn't say that a year ago). I still do have thoughts about running away from all of this sometimes. I do wish I was not in the same line of work in a closeknit industry. No matter what the outcome of this A, I will have to see and hear about WH and OW. I think that is a part of what is making plan B really hard for me as I cannot completely remove myself from them.

I don't think that is my main frustration right now though. I think that is the result of my not truly being able to fathom life without WH despite the fact that I've basically been living without him for a year (and one could argue the year before that when his A started and he was never here physically or emotionally). I try to envision life without him in it and I am just not there yet.

There is still a concept to plan B that is eluding me. If you are not in contact (which other than a few minor contacts/messages we're not), then I don't see how your love does or does not change. You are either supposed to lose love for them or they file for a D or you file for a D. I'm beginning to think you just get fed up with their nonsense. I think everyone will be able to tell I feel crabby and down today.

Maybe George Clooney will call and ask me to run away with him.

I guess I will have to find better ways of describing what I did that finally got me to be ready to move on, but for me a couple of things were critical.
First, I physically removed myself from the day to day pain of an active A by moving out.
Then I worked on Forgiveness. There are many ways of doing this, but in essence what worked for me was learning all about forgiveness, understanding it, and getting help with it. (In my case it was "Radical Forgiveness", but it can be many other things). I have to say that Unconditional Love played a big part in forgiveness. The concept of learning and accepting that everything is as it should be, and that nothing that was done by my W was done to hurt me, and that she was doing (and has always done) the best she knows how with what she has.
The next critical thing was really personal growth. For me it took a spiritual path; not "religion" per se, but rather universal spiritual knowledge. This was, for me, a combination of Hinduism, Christianity, Kabbalah, and lately, Yoga. I think that when we begin to see some of the "universal" truths, especially those shared by all faiths, and remove the "ritual", it causes an interesting thing; we find that in essence, all faiths share some fundamental core truths, and that we truly all are one. For me this was an important realization and one that allowed me to have much more faith in our unity and "one-ness" than I had when I was more tied to the religious faith I'd been brought up with and its rituals.

As these elements came together, there was a transformation in me. In essence, I realized that I was going to be OK, that although I love my W and wished to be together with her, that it was not critical to my survival or happiness, (on the contrary, it became clear that only I am responsible for my happiness, and that nothing outside of me had much to do with that). And eventually, that led me to NOT feel hurt or threatened by continued contact of the OM by my W.
Once I was able to reach that point, tension, arguments and other friction ended in our interactions, and I was able to "move on" mentally.
By this time, it became relatively easy to reach more "real" conclusions, without fear, emotion, or much of any outside influence besides my true feelings.
And so, I reached the logical conclusion for me; I had not been happy in my M either, I just hadn't realized it, much less done anything destructive about it, and since my W was (is) unwilling to even give us a real chance by committing to working on us, the logical conclusion, for me, was to divorce.

I don't know if any of this made any sense, but I felt I might pass on some of what I've learned and how it came about. Happy to discuss it further, if you wish...hope it helps!

spacecase - Thanks. Your perspective is very interesting. One of the things I have been trying to spend time on is spiritual exploration. I was brought up with a strong christian faith by both parents who are still very active with their church, habitat for humanity, etc. I stopped going to church for the most part after I got married as my WH was not raised in any faith and was not particularly comfortable with the whole thing.

As I've had more time with WH out of the house/out of my life, I've had more time to read and study. I am intrigued by other faiths and have been reading C.S. Lewis' Mere Christianity and a book on Buddhism and would like to learn more about other faiths as well.

Can you suggest any books that you've found particularly helpful on the concepts of unconditional love and forgiveness? I have come to a place where I know that WH is not doing these things to spite me and that he is lost in many ways and that he has to find his own way, but I am still plagued with anger sometimes when I think about how he could just discard the person that supported him for so long. I think I have a way to go in terms of intellectually recognizing the concept of forgiveness and my current situation and actually living these concepts.

USH:
Here's a good place to start:

Books - ULove, Forgiveness, Spirituality, Etc.

You can also email me and I can help guide you some more if you'd like.

Hi unsure...

Well, I wish I had some magic for you today but I probably don't <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> Sorry.

Our situations seems so similar in very many ways.

My WW moved out for the second time just over a year ago...I am headed for the second anniversary of d-day in mid February...And I probably ask myself every day why do I hang on...WW has not shown any real interest in working on the relationship and we live in some sort of limbo land...occasional contact, certainly not daily...

My answer to myself...and I suspect your answer to yourself is the same...I am just not ready to give up yet. I may be tomorrow, next week, next month, who knows? But right now I am not ready to give up.

Why? Because I know what our marriage was like prior to this and I would guess for you that's also the same. That the relationship was a good one with someone you loved very deeply and trusted with your life. Call me foolish and/or stooooopid, but I still believe that a recovery to some strong relationship with my WW can still happen.

I look at Lor(Lor)'s posts here and I know that it can happen...I look at what Cali has been thru and I know that it can happen. There are many others who have been thru this and recovered...For me to give up at this point just isn't in the cards.

Now, where you and I differ, is that I don't think my WW and OM are involved any longer. Also she is in therapy and is on anti-deps, although that is not a magic bullet either becuase I do feel she still is suffering from depression.

She said to me yesterday that she just feels stuck...that she is not ready to give up on the marriage but she is not in a position where she feels she can work on it either....That is just sooooooooo frustrating <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> and sad <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

But I know I can't force it....that it is something she has to come to and I hope she does.

Now, how to get thru all this....

I actually think you and I are doing pretty good. I read your posts and I know you are adapting to this single life and so am I. I know you are doing things for yourself and keeping up your relationships with friends and family and I am doing the same. You and I are doing things for ourselves...but as long as we live in this limbo land, there are going to be days when it all comes crashing down and we feel the weight we are carrying. Those are the bad days...and thankfully they are fewer and further apart but they still happen and they sure aren't any fun.

All you can really do is what you are doing...work your way thru them as best you can knowing that tomorrow will come and with it new challenges and new opportunities.

As to when to give up and move on...well I guess you are asking the wrong person here, because I haven't made that move yet. I just know that I will know when it's right for me...not when friends and family think I should or anyone else...it has to be a decision I know will work for me...

It may come soon...it may not...but for now I know I am doing the best I can for me and I really think you are doing the same...

Keep your chin up...believe in yourself and things will eventually work out OK...

Take care...

E

Hi Unsure,

Yes it does sound like we have very similar situations. I am sorry you have to have the constant contact and reminder. I think that is one reason I haven't had it too hard. My H is in another state has been for 1 year and I've only seen him 4 times this year for about 3 days each. Not much to keep me going and since May VERY LIMITED e-mail contact, some phone but only about oh, 20 mins altogether.

I do want to encourage you, you do sound good. I could have written what you wrote a few short weeks ago. In fact I almost did. The getting better just sneaks up on you. Not like the A, that hits like a sledgehammer. It starts with mere good minutes, then hours, then finally days and mercifully, eventually weeks. I remember a time wishing I could string 2 good hrs together... Now I RARELY have a bad day.

Good luck to you I will look in on you. Take care.

Sharon

Noone ever said life was easy and fair, USH. Looks like you're approaching the end of plan B road slowly? Did you ever contemplate of 'moving on'? Or does the thought scare you at present? Do you feel you did *all* you could do at this point? Best of luck, N