Too all you women out there, the conflict that almost crashed my marriage was my emotional need for my wife to keep her figure. You thought i was asking to cut off her right arm. I truly believe food is as addictive as alcohol. I would forever be greatful of any advise as to how you can motivate someone to lose weight. In the beginning when i was demanding her to meet my needs, I lost big time. It's amazing how her old male friends come to the rescue when your marriage gets rocky, but thats another story for another post. I'am actually on very good terms right now with the W but thats because i dropped the discussion. But it still bothers me. I know we have kids, and my wife goes to aerobics 4 times a week, but she is a junk food junky, not willing to change. I'am not looking for a model, but 65lbs overweight at 40 is scaring me to think what see will look like at 50. any suggestions. thanks.

wokeup - she has to want to do it for herself - by you making that a condition might make her eat all of the more - And if you want her to loose the weight than everyone in the family should change the eating habits - and if she is going to Areobics then she is making an attempt -and frankly if you love her it shouldn't matter what she weighs - her weight has nothing to do with the person that she is - I mean if you are genuinely concerned for her health fine than tell her that - but otherwise you might be making her eat more ....

wokeup,
I would suggest sitting her down and telling her how important this is to you before it ruins your marriage. I don't think she grasps that this is a LEGITIMATE emotional need of many men. It can't be dismissed any more than HER emotional needs. Nor do I agree with MAW's advice that the entire family has to change their eating habits. There is no cause for that. You will be doing her a great favor by ensuring that she understands how important this is to you and by helping her - LOVINGLY - lose weight.

Maybe if you change your approach you will get a better response this time. Perhaps tell her that you were always very physically attracted to her because she is so beautiful and that you want her to stay that way. Maybe you could come armed with some good diet information and maybe offer to start it with her. One of the most successful diets out there right now is low carb. {twice the rate of weight loss as other diets}

I am close to your wife's age and this is one of the numerous reasons that my H left me after 20 years of marriage. I completely ignored and disdained his numerous requests to lose weight and shape up. We are no longer married today. I just didn't realize how important this issue is to men, nor that it is one of the TOP FIVE emotional needs.

Needless to say, I since lost 50 pounds {on the Atkins diet} work out often and look better than I did when I was in my 30's. At least I am meeting the EN's of my new H.

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 08:15 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

Meeting The Emotional Need For
Physical Attractiveness
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502b_qa.html

Letter #2

Dear Dr. Harley,
After many months of struggling to lose weight and look nicer, I've come to the conclusion that what you have written is hurtful, hateful and belittles women. While I have failed miserably to lose all 80 pounds, I have changed my eating habits (no more than 15 grams of fat a day) and exercise 5 times a week. I have lost a grand total of 35 pounds. All this to try to lose some weight so my husband would continually accept me. I have come to the conclusion that if my weight means so much to others that they are encouraged by people like you to shun me, they are not what I want. I can't help my looks as they were given to me by my mother and father. You ought to be ashamed of yourself to think that marriage is only of value when the wife is thin.

Before I read your book, I was fat and happy. Now I am a little thinner, and angry. I am sending in my membership to NOW as people like you who are so immature as to rely on a woman's outward beauty need to be exposed!

Sincerely,

R. J.
Michigan

Dear R. J.,
Everything you say about the need for physical attractiveness can be said about any other emotional need. It can be applied to the emotional needs for affection, admiration, conversation and all the others. I have counseled men and women who ask, "why can't I be accepted for who I am? Why does my spouse expect me to change?" There are spouses who are unaffectionate, have no interest in sex, don't like to talk, would prefer not to earn a living, refuse to pick up after themselves, lie about everything, can't say a complementary word ... I could go on and on.

Why should physical attractiveness be any different? It's not easy to meet most emotional needs, and physical attractiveness is no exception. Of course it's hard to lose weight. If you found a way to lose weight without any suffering, you'd be rich in no time. Those of us who are predisposed to be overweight (I am included) fight hunger all our lives. Why do we do it? I do it for a host of reasons, health, for one. But another important reason for me is that I want to look as good as I can to my wife.

You want to be loved for who you are and not what you do. So do I. We all do. But the reality is that you have not loved your husband for who he is, but rather for what he does. If he did not meet any of your emotional needs, your feelings toward him would have changed considerably from the day you said, "I do." You married him because you loved him and you loved him because he met your emotional needs. If he were to stop meeting those needs, your love for him would fade away.

You may feel that being overweight is a trivial matter--that there are far more important considerations in marriage than physical appearance. But I leave that judgment up to each spouse I counsel. It's not for me to tell them what should or should not be important to them. They tell me. And many tell me that it's important to them for their spouse to lose weight.

If your spouse tells you that your loss of weight would meet one of his most important emotional needs, you have a choice. You don't have to lose weight. In fact, you can choose to gain weight. He will probably accept you no matter what you weigh. It's not a matter of acceptance, its a matter of whether or not you're meeting his emotional needs. What I suggest in His Needs, Her Needs is that, in exchange for your spouse meeting your emotional needs, you meet his and lose weight.

You've lost 35 pounds. I know you are very angry, but what you've already accomplished is terrific. Losing weight is one of the more difficult challenges of life, I know. I hope you'll build on your achievement, lose the rest of the weight, and in spite of the sacrifice, be happy you did it.

Another Letter: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5502_qa.html

Telling her to lose weight is not going to do it. She has to do it for herself. Have you thought about her going to a Dr. for a checkup? They would tell her harshly, about her health, what her overweight is doing to her body. If possible, make an appt. for her.

You cannot make her lose weight. She has to do this for herself. You could motivate her, in one way by stating, I will give you X amount of $$ to get a new wardrobe if you lost weight. But remember she has to lose in increments, not all at once. 65#'s is a lot of weight to lose. You could say, I will give you $300 to lose 20#'s. Or something on that order. Don't know where she shops, but incentive is a great leader to get what you want. And you could put a finale to it by stating I will give you x amount of $$ is you lose a total of #'s.

Just a thought. Making someone do something is not worth it. It causes hostility and anger. Expressing your desire to have her around for the next 50-60 years is more romantic. To express, that you want to have her body to mess around for those # of years, that you want to hear her voice for those # of years, that you want to lay next to her for those # of years, that you want her to be here for the grandkids together. Words of unity, and experiencing life together are more comforting than stating lose weight!

Just my opinion. I like romance, I like someone to be gentle, I like honesty, I like togetherness and being a unit of one. Good Luck!

Hi,

Fad diets are not the way to lose weight and keep it off. My advice is to see a nutrionist. You need a specific percent of carbs, proteins, fat, ects. I have a nutrion book with all that in it. Some foods do interact with each other. A nutrionalist understands this best. I found it all very confusing. If you dont' get enough you are burning muscle and protein, not fat (I think that is what I learned). Some foods help to increase metabolism, such as Calcium, so I small thing of yorgurt every day would be beneficial.

Stress, releases and increase in glucose formation, if this glucose is not used up, then it converts and is stored as fat. That is why some people when stressed out, gain weight. And others find ways to burn off the excess glucose and lose weight.

She needs to find ways to raise her metabolism.

I would let her know how much you love her. Let her know how proud you are to be seen with her. Let her know that it is a need of yours.

I am overweight, and I am tying to lose it, with little success. (so far). Been sick lately, no energy to work out. My H knows I am disgusted with my weight as much as he is. He finally admitted to me that he would like me to look like used to. Took me 4 years to get it out of him, but he finally was honest with me.

Also, 65 pounds overweight is not healthy, it puts a great strain on the heart. Increases her chance of a heart attack. So does the high fat in the junk food.

I agree that you should lovingly tell her that you care about her health and tell her it is a need of yours that she is healthy and looks good.

I know I wish my H could lose a few, but I think in his case it is truly a heriditary issue. My H is very active, and he keeps getting a bigger waistline.

Another thing about fad diets, you lose the weight, but don't change the bad habits, go back to the bad habits, and you gain twice as much weight and it is harder to get off.

You could suggest the two of you go for a walk in the evenings after dinner. A good daily 15-30 min walk will help to boost her metabolism and it will give you both something to do together. I lost 40-60 pounds in 2 months by adding walking to my day. I walked a minimum of once per day, sometimes 2 or 3 times a day if I felt like it. Each walk was a minimum of 15 min. The walk should be at a pace where you can carry on a conversation without getting breathless, and you are not walking so slow it is a stroll. It should be at a good pace, some suggest brisk.

I agree that fad diets are not a good idea and that is why I suggested Atkins. I should also add that I AM at goal weight and have been for 4 years. {I lost that 50 pounds in 4 months} My body fat is 19.6% as a result of this diet. It is a life long diet that works, with enormous health benefits that is recommended by numerous research universities in the US. Most recently is was found to have better health and weight loss benefits than even the American Heart Association diet in a Duke University study. They are research scientists who are much more learned than your run of the mill nutritionist.

And Sue is right, any diet will not work if you QUIT the diet, so its important to find a life long diet. Low carb diets are much easier to stick with long term because one can eat twice the calories and lose weight.[studies have shown that the higher the fat, the higher the sustainability] Not so with low calorie diets that only make and keep people hungry. That is why they have such high failure rates in studies.

Exercise certainly helps, but not much without an appropriate diet. After a certain age, exercise only contributes approx 20% to weight loss, with diet being the main factor.

<small>[ January 09, 2003, 09:16 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]</small>

HI!
My FWH also has a high EN for physical attractiveness. And I wasn't quite cutting the mustard.
This hurt me worse than anything else, besides the affair/lies. And I only weighed 15 pounds more than i did before children. I was a size 10.
I really didn;t think I was all that bad. Still don't, if you want to know the truth. But it was important to him. I have lost about 8 pounds and one size. He is happier, I AM eating better. So all has worked out ok.
HOWEVER------------ I told my Husband that telling a woman she needs to "look" better physically is like telling a man that you wish he could make more money so you could have all the things that your friends have. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> It is a sensitive matter. And although I believe you should have your EN's met, be careful how you try to make her understand. Encourage her positively.
good luck!
traceys

Thanks for your replys, I will try to be more sensitive in the future about this issue. It just hurts to watch the person you love killing themselves. she was raised in a family that didn't care what they ate anytime of day or night. And she is having an extremely hard time dropping those early developed habits. But I'am learning if I can get her lovebank units up I may be able to return to the days of the giver/pleaser and she will drop those dangerous pounds. Funny thing though, I myself have dropped 20lbs in two years, and look better and feel better than i have in some time. I guess i wanted her to do this so much, I did it to my self. I know she has to do this herself, but i will not give up. She weighted 119 when we were married 19 years ago and was a size 8. What a difficult subject to discuss.

Obviously your wife already knows this is an issue with you. No need covering ground already covered. I think the "trade-off" of meeting ENs suggested in Harley's article would be a great starting spot. She may be using food to fill an EN that you could fill!! Have you thought of that?!?! Maybe she is drawn to fast food restaurants for a snack because she's bored - so, come up with something for the 2 of you to do that is exciting, fun, attractive!! You are demanding an EN to be filled, but you make no mention of anything you'd trade off for it. You are making a demand with an unspoken threat attached to it. People don't always respond like we want when they feel threatened. Her thoughts might likely be, "I've tried to lose weight, it's impossible. Now he's going to leave me, not love me (whatever your unspoken threat is), and if that's the way he's going to be, then I'm not going to even TRY to make him happy, instead I'm going to make myself happy, and a hot fudge sundae would sure make me happy right now."

just my 2 cents.

Let me add this - My H has NEVER made an issue of weight even when I went from a size 8 at marriage to a size 12 in 8 years. After his A, I lost down to a size 6, and he's still not making an issue of weight. He's not saying - boy, I'm sure glad you lost some of that weight, you finally look attractive again - nothing of the sorts. I know of others however, that when the H makes an issue out of the weight it almost becomes a power struggle. The wife wants to prove she makes decisions for herself, so she refuses to lose the weight, the man wants to prove how much he needs an attractive spouse so he oogles other women, flirts, or withholds ENs. The weight becomes a huge issue because of the power struggle involved.

<small>[ January 10, 2003, 05:48 PM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>

I gained 30 lbs last year, so having an A is not the way to encourage your W to lose weight!

Look at the Pritikin Principle. It talks about how exercise affects taste in food. I found that walking 3 miles 4 times per week changed my eating habits without any effort on my part so I could remain slim. Guess what my New Year's Resolution is? Get back to walking.

Jamup, you are right on target! Exactly some of the things she told me. Here's my quick story. I hope it helps someone because i solved some of the problems i created. I met my wife in Highschool. We are married 19 years. We are both catholic. When i first met my wife I came under resistance because my inlaws wanted her to marry there best friends son. He is five years older than her. dispite the problem, I eventually fell in love with a very beautiful girl. We graduated HS, I went on to college she to work. This OM wanted my wife (they had a puppylove affair in her early teens, ie:first kiss, no sex). When i graduated college and started my job we became engaged, much to my father-in-laws dismay. The OM gave up and stopped bothering my wife but the families see each other from time to time. Now 18 years later I treat my wife like a queen, and the her family is bothered by it. I made a trophy wife out of her. (new cars, jewerly, furcoats, new clothes constantly, expensive makeup. you name it. I worshipped the ground she walked on. So when i asked her to lose weight and she told me to go to hell. My sleeping taker took over. That year was like the movie the "Perfect storm" WE had a family reunion that summer and things were not going so good, as i was pissed for months of her gaining weight. So guess who shows up at the reunion, and the rest is like a bad dream. I found her e-mailing and cell-phoning this OM, "His marriage is on the rocks" I'am told when i confronted her. "He's only an old friend" I'am again told. When i found an e-mail to him With sayings like "I'am thinking of you" and signed "Love-ya" I cryed on the screen of my computer. In the mean time a sexy young secretary at my job was offering it up bigtime,(short skirts, high heals, she found out my wifes favorite purfume, stupid me told her i was getting this for my wifes birthday, and was waring it one day) I was under extreme temptation. I hit bottom, OM was calling her weekly on her cell-phone for 40 to 45 minutes at a clip and the acid was coming up my throat. I was lost. So i prayed to st. mary to save my marriage. IN the meantime my nosy mother-in-law is advising my wife "ITs ok to talk your old friend" and my father-in-law is giving my wife old pictures of her and this OM. in the early years. I was a mess.

Bottom line, my wife and i crashed together in bed crying in each others arms as to how we got to this stage. This Om calling constantly, a secretary at work moving in. How do we stop this insanity? She thought i didn't want her anymore because she was fat, we cleared that up fast.So we plotted together to tell the stalkers that the next time we spoke to them, we would pumpup how great her and i were to these people. After a month of this the sexy secreatary worn pants again and the OM stopped calling. Its amazing how people pick up on the hurting we must give off. sorry longer than i wanted but teamwork does pay off. We are back stonger than we have been in a long time, but I'am still working on the weight loss problem, I will take some of the advise I read and try more lovingly, to help her in the future. I'am finding the more i do around the house and for the kids, She is slowly, trying to please me again. Maybe I can gain enough love units in her bank for her to lose the weight for both of us. Thanks for the advise and reading. good day.

Hi Wokeup:

I had the same problem as your wife. My spouse, although he still loved me, did not want a fat wife. He stopped bringing it up after a while because I was so sensitive about it. But I also did not want to go places or buy clothes because it was a problem.

But then the person you love has an affair. And besides the fact that you can't eat, or sleep and lose 30 pounds anyway. You search your soul and you say what I have I done to make this marriage work. I knew my appearance was important to my spouse so that was one of the things that I chose to work on for our marriage's sake. He started going to the gym with me. That was motivation. He dropped OW, major motivation. But it was definitly my decision. I was ready. Any criticism would have made me eat. Now I am in control of things. I feel very powerful.lol Thanks. wu

good for you wu, Why do you women gain the weight when married, then loose it all when you get a new boyfriend? Its a shame that an A has to shake things up so, to spark the loss. QUESTION: What stresses you out so much that you need to eat so much?

wokeup, its not that simple. Women don't just start gorging when we hit age 35. Our metabolism slows down in our 30's.

<small>[ February 05, 2005, 09:37 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Quote:Why do you women gain the weight when married, then loose it all when you get a new boyfriend?

Wokeup, sometimes it's much deeper than that, for women it can mean something is not being met in her M (let's not even put a boyfriend into the picture). It could be an insulation from emotional or mental pain that even the wife has not let surface into the consciousness to know the anwer yet herself. There are so many factors involved, as posted before. But it also can be a passive projection of anger if it is known the spouse does not like the weight gain and the wife can use that as an excuse to make herself feel justified by her own frustration and passive resentment.

I can only speak for myself, but not one time in my life that I have gained weight I looked into the mirror and said. "I think I will start gaining as much weight as I possbily can" Other than medications I have been on, or after difficult surgeries that kept my butt down, any other time I gained weight was because of a frustration and inability to fix a problem in my relationship that had me at wits end and I needed to protect myself. Not the smart way, but neither is half the things we do subconsciously when our psyche's are in pain and crying out. Just an opinion to your question.

Wokeup, get your wife to have a physical, especially getting her thyroid tested. That could be one of her problems. I don't buy genetics of getting heavier as we age. If one had a trim figure at start of marriage, it can be kept!
Health is a big issue so physical is needed. If no health problems, then it's overeating! yes, the metabolism slows down with age, so that is why we can't continue to eat the junk and stay fit! Change in eating habits is hard, but necessary and it's a lifelong commitment. But once the change is made, after a few weeks, the junk food taste horrible! One's taste can change for the better. It's just a matter of adjusting and not denying a treat once and a while. If you put too many calories in, you have to do a little extra workout to burn it off.
I can't understand the women who think it's ok to just gain, gain! Not when there is not health problem causing it.
The weird thing is I've kept myself trim for me and my H. It was always important to me for my self esteem. So guess what he had an A with? A woman at least 100 lbs overweight! He actually said she had rolls and rolls of fat. Yet he comments that he is proud of me keeping my figure and he'd never allow me to gain weight like that without telling me I was getting too pudgy!
Men are visual creatures! A few actually like overweight women, but none that I know of! And if my H did, I still would not allow myself to gain for him. My health comes first!
Overweight can lead to diabetes, a horrible disease! Heart problems and many other health conditions.
I am 60 yrs old and I still wear the same size as when I married my H over 30 yrs ago! 8 to 10s depending on the maker! When I got ill from depression, I lost to a size 3/4 and finally a 1. H was so upset that I was too skinny, and I was! And it led to a heart attack. Ladies, listen to your H. Your weight is very important for many reasons. But if he didn't marry a fat woman, then he didn't want a fat woman! Time to adjust your eating habits to your metabolism and also, kick start the metabolism!
Don't set impossible goals though. Do not try to lose 50 or 100 lbs in two or three months. Do it right by losing about 2 lbs a week. Otherwise you set yourself up to become very ill. I've never needed them, but they say Overeaters anonymous is a great group and helps you obtain your goal the healthy way, and change for life.
I also believe that weight loss meds are dangerous! It's a temporary fix too. Eating habits must change for good. Once you do, you'll actually start to abhor the bad foods.
Find out why you overeat? What EN are you trying to fulfill? Find something else to fill that need and you will succeed. Look for the triggers. Keep a journal of events and when you run for food. You'll see a pattern.
I've heard men lament on their wives weight gain. They still love them, they just stop being intimate because it's a turn off! So don't blame your H if you're not getting what you need there. It's your decison, not his.
If you didnt' marry a drug addict, or alcoholic, then would you still love him if he became one now? you're a food addict if your doctor can pass you as physically healthy otherwise. Unless your doctor can find a hormonal/chemical embalance, then you're a food addict and need help.
God bless and hope you can succeed for yourself as well as spouses. LouLou

If he didn't marry a fat woman he didn't want a fat wife. Point taken. However, I didn't marry a guy who would rather watch sports on TV than talk to me, but that's what I wound up with.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by wokeup:
<strong>good for you wu, Why do you women gain the weight when married, then loose it all when you get a new boyfriend? Its a shame that an A has to shake things up so, to spark the loss. QUESTION: What stresses you out so much that you need to eat so much?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">As a wife who has a serious weight problem (and is doing something significant about it--40 lbs. lost last year--more to go--back on a diet) I find this one part of your conversation to be overly simplistic. Some women let their looks go and some guys think that the courtship is over once you exchange vows and rings.

One might as well ask why so many men are willing to sacrifice their marriages in pursuit of career success, a golf game, and time with the guys. Oh and not to mention those career military guys who go away for 6 months at a time. Why do they have to wait until their wife is virtually packed and out the door before they wake up and smell the smoke coming out of her ears? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> It is a bit sexist and stereotypical and it also happens to be what happened to my marriage. His fault and mine. We took each other for granted.

You are much more on track when you suggest that meeting her needs might help her want to meet your needs. My experience is that the marriage falls short of a wife's expectations long before the man is disillussioned.

MJ

Oh and BTW, the doctor has found valid (medical) explanations for my enormous weight gain. I have a major birth defect and weight gain is often part of it. HOWEVER, he says that my heart doesn't know that it isn't supposed to be strained by carrying around 100 lbs. of extra weight just because we can explain why it happened! There might be a reason, but it doesn't stop my body and my marriage from suffering the consequences.

Men who bring this up in tactless ways had better be prepared for some serious backlash--like why don't you earn a whole lot more or hey your lovemaking sucks. The fact that our spouse doesn't just love us for being "us" is not a fact many of us are happy to face. The truth is that how much we earn, how we earn it, how much we weigh, how crabby we are, how neat the house is, how much help you give your wife with the housework and raising the kids, and whether or not we prefer playing golf and watching TV to talking to our spouses has serious repercussions.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 02:21 PM: Message edited by: MaryJanes ]</small>

Thanks for the responses. You women are sharp tacks. I would have never thought of the thyroid test. Her mother has suffered with that for years. great point. Well anyway, today i got the guts up to ask her to lose 10lbs by summer for our vacation. It started out ok, I said i would do all the ironing and washing everyday until summer if she agreed to try and lose 10lbs. She nodded her head, looked at me an said "Here you go again with the weight" (mind you i dropped this subject for at least 6 months now.) She said I don't want you to do my wash! I said, I will do whatever it takes to trade the weight issue for work on my part. She said no! "You men are all the same" besides "I have no will power". I said its an EN and hurts me to this day. Then she said I will never change, but I will give you this, you don't give up. I said "you a least have to give me an A for trying". Besides you never read with the child at night.

I said I will read with him every night for 1 hour if you agree to the weight loss. She said No.
If you want a thin women you are going to have to leave.

This is where i stopped. I said I needed to go back to work and left smiling. She will do anything for me but this. She is not a Stubborn person per say.

What do i do now. How do I live with this Burning EN not being met. Am i destined to run off with another woment in my 50's? I have three young boys I refuse to leave. I cannot think of leaving now. But i wish i could shake her up! She just doesn't see my point of view on this. She looks at as if i don't thinks she's attractive. I will not get sex now for a least 6 weeks because of this conversation. Ladies Help! (maybe i need to learn how to get rid of this EN) but that's like taking a credit card away from a women. thanks, and god bless. (PS. she hates doctors and never goes).