Alright, I need some advice here so please, please, please, any input will be more than welcome. You can hit me with the 2x4 and everything.

Yesterday a friend of ours called us to let us know the XOW had called my H's old office and left a message with her phone number. Our friend gave us the phone number and my H and I kinda felt very nervous about this whole situation.

We haven't heard a peep from this piece of work for more than 3 years. There was no NC letter or anything, she just stopped calling altogether because my H told her he was marrying me. Since I came to live with him he never phoned her again, that made her really mad, and she is really good at holding grudges so she never called again.

This kind of left a lot of closure undone. I for one would have found very therapeutic and reassuring to have a NC call. It would at least help a bit with my pride and self steem. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />
So now we have her number, she wants us to call her, but I am waffling, she made the call the 24th, she is the kind of person that will manipulate people to get whatever she wants. She is very selfish and has NO friends at all, zero, nada, and believe me, people in general don't like her, and I wish I was exagerating!

Our hypothesis is that she got fired from her last job and is looking to get recommendation letters, or a place to crash. (She is so crazy and can be in such fog she could have even convinced herself that my H was joking when he said he and I were married).

I really really really want my H to call her, find out what she wants, sound upbeat, and then explain why he cannot have any contact with her anymore. He doesn't like her at all either btw.

I know that would really make my healing process speed along, since the issue of never having any NC stablished or things cleared always made me really depressed and angry.

So far only knowing we have got her number but she doesn't know ours gives me some kind of weird... maybe even sick feeling of well being.

Am I going crazy?
What should I do?
HELP!

No 2x4 here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I would simply not return her call. If she is able to contact your H directly then, maybe, a NC letter is order.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There was no NC letter or anything, she just stopped calling altogether because my H told her he was marrying me. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would leave it at that. At this point any calls/letters would just stir the pot.

This just happened yesterday so maybe your emotions are raw. Think on this for a few days. Take care.

ALW! I think you need to go one step further. Make sure your friend at the old office will not give her any info as to how to contact your H at his new office or home!
Some XOP will not give up so easily if she's like a fatal attraction or has one. I'd much rather know if H had a conversation with her and have it in front of me than not. Which could occur if she is persistant.
For now, letting it lay is good advice but I think steps to avoid her getting any info is needed.
God bless, LouLou

I follow your logic for wanting to call her back. It makes sense to me.

But I will not recommend you do or you don't.

What I WILL recommend is that you and your H practice the Policy of Joint Agreement and Radical Honesty and discuss this. Tell him exactly what you posted to us.

Then, the two of you decide what to do together - with enthusiastic agreement.

Let me give you a little insite from the other side of the fence. I was TOW in a long term A.

The OW mantra is "they always come back." Sadly for the W it's often true (unless the WS has done some MAJOR work). For that reason it is my opinion that you and your H have NC. Of course I think that you guys should talk about it and come up with a plan that you can both be excited about. But my hearty recommendation would be to let this sleeping dog lie.

Trust me when I tell you - she called to have an effect. It really doesn't even matter if the effect is a good one or a bad one. She wants to know that she got some attention. The best way to squash her enthusiam for your H is to 100% ingore her.

EMR's are like quick sand. Even if he calls to make some great, triumphant point unless he's made some major, major change he'll be in and sinking fast. Now that is NOT to say that he'll be back with her. But he'll be plugged back into the choas that is EMR's

Just one (other) woman's opinion.

Good luck.

I tend to agree with Katie Scarlett.
I think it is better if you leave it alone. In my case, OW is such a nut case, when she did not get a response from my H, she sent me a collection of e-mails my H used to sent her, or call me at home/work, or make series of hung-up phone calls to me. And I do not think she was trying to hurt me per se -- more hoping she would get some sort of response --- as KS put it --- any response good or bad from my H as a result of me reporting those things to him. Unfortunatelly, we fell for her trap and my H in the past, responded to her --- fell right back in to her web. And this was repeated over and over. Now that we are aware of this, H totally ignores everything and we are in the process of changing all our phone numbers and blocking all her e-mail addresses. As our MC puts it, "do not reward her by responding, if you did, she would keep on doing it."

Alw:

"I really really really want my H to call her, find out what she wants, sound upbeat, and then explain why he cannot have any contact with her anymore. He doesn't like her at all either btw."

You're smarter than this. Sure, have your H make the call, but be on the other line, state up front that you ARE on the line and that you're M'd, DON'T find out what she wants (it's irrelevant), and then explain why he DOES NOT WISH to have any contact with her anymore. DON'T even wait for a response. Make it clear that neither of you will ever contact her again for any reason... ...at least for a couple of billion years or so.

Okay?
-Qfwfq.

ALW:

Better yet, don't call. New season of Farscape starts tonight. Blow off the call and enjoy the show!

<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think Katie NAILED this one!!!!

I give Katie's response ***** 5 stars.

Pep

Hear you all loud and clear.
Now let me all give you more info about this situation, I guess I was so stired I didn't give enough details.

Alright, XOW was XWS's girlfriend for a while before he met me. When I met my XWS they had broken up for a year. I was my XWS's friend for several months before we were together. The XOW always treated him terribly, even after they had broken up, she'd manipulate him and use him and try to make him do all of her work etc etc. My FWH had a terrible problem to saying no, to everything, but sex.

When we started to be together he started to get better and better to tell her no, because he was learning to see what it was to be treated well.

A month after we were engaged she shoved her way here, and they had a ONS, not complete intercourse but a PA either way. He felt guilty and terrible afterwards, but not enough guilty to tell me the whole truth about it, it would come out slooooowly for the next several years.

She tried to keep contact alive, and it ceased the day before I was due to arrive here. He cannot remember quite well what they said last, he knows he didn't ask for NC, it was just like any other conversation. She was very pissed that I was actually comming and that my XWS was actually marrying me.

Kattie, i am doing my best to follow your wise instructions, but boy is that difficult!

I am not really mad, or scared, or anxious, as a matter of fact I am pretty surprised and glad that:

a) She is not living in our town (we suspected she may).
b) This alone has given me a bit of closure, since my husband's reaction was very calm, sweet and loving. It kind of showed me he doesn't care about her anymore. I am not sure how to explain it.

Now, we have thought and talked a LOT about this. Our position waffles slightly in between not calling at all, just ignore it. Or calling and setting the record straight, yes, with me present.

Something between the lines of:

"Just returning your call, letting you know I no longer consider you a friend or long lost friend of any kind. Please don't try contacting me again."

Ok what is irking a lil bit is that my XWS has been off that job for more than a year now. The people at that office I work with very close. I used to work in that office myself untill I got transfered to my own. They know me, and my husband very well. The friend that noticed the message is our best friend in town, and she was tempted to call her herself and curse her out for several things she did to my XWS a while back.

As I said, she doesn't really have many fans, even her friends have deserted her overtime.
She is very cheap, never EVER would place a long distance call unless she was desperate enough to do so, and knowing that the people at the office told her that they didn't think the message would get delivered at all she insisted on leaving one, thing that according to my XWH had never happened in the past.

Sooo yes I am curious!!! (and T <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I am watching Farscape as I type too WooHoo!). Curiosity killed the cat, I hate that saying <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> .

Also, another thing, my XWS wants to place the call so he can have a closure, a literal one just a "Please never call or think of me again, I don't do it anymore", you see, we don't live that far away, and we would hate to bump into her in public and having her acting like she is his buddy. He'd go bezerk on her, he really really really doesn't like her, she made life hell for him for a long time, and now that he's come out of the fog and looks back he is mad at himself for letting himself get into that really stupid trap and at her for being so vicious and just simply evil.

Aaaah alright we won't call, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> despite we already did but the machine got it, maybe a sign <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" />

Sooo... in the end, against the wise advice we went and did it anyway.

The whole call was pretty... err... weird? My H had her on my cell and it was set to loud so I could hear everything she was saying. She did exactly what I thought she would.

She acted very happy to hear my H, apparently she looked for the most pathetic excuse she could find to call him up, "Errr... well I am getting a new computer and you were the first person I thought of... well... to help me buy one" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> It's been 3 years sweetheart, get over it!

My H very calmly told her that he couldn't help her with that because he didn't like her anymore neither considered her a friend at all. She then interrupted him and started to say stuff like:

"Oh my... I had no idea... I mean, I thought you'd get over that already. I always meant the best for you (locking him out and making him walk miles and miles from work because he hadn't called at exactly the set time she had selected and just about 2 minutes late or early, spending his money, leaving him in deep debt, and cheating on him with anything that moved), I stepped back from your life so you could find someone that truly loved you! (I came running and tried to break you and your fiancee up when my security blanket was at stake, I didn't manage that, so I went into a pissy fit and decided to not call you since my pride was so hurt)"

While she was saying all this (very very slowwwwly), I was trying not to laugh, such deep fog and ego she has. Nobody likes her, but she thinks people won't talk to her and tell her they hate her because they are jealous, not because she is really an awful person.

My H responded very briefly to that, stating that as a matter of fact that was pretty unaccurate, that he had finally realized how she really was, who she really was, and that while he knew her he was in the most awful time of his life, that now he was the happiest he had ever been, and that he didn't appreciate her trying to sound like they had been nice and good friends, when that wasn't the case. To please stop pretending that on her head, wake up and see things for what they were and to please never think of him or contact him again, because he really didn't care for her at all.

After all of that though she had the nerve to say: "Well... Ok but are you going to help me with the PC?" <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> A piece of work that she is alright.

He repeated "No, please never contact me again", to what she said "Oh gee, fine I won't and don't call me anymore", to which he pretty much laughed and said "Don't worry, I'll be more than happy not to", said bye and hung up.

I am sorry my fellow MBers I know I know, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> please Kattie hit me with the 2x4, pep you can do so too, guess I should have slept more yesterday instead of partying and I would have had my mind clearer this morning when we woke up and decided to call her either way.

Also she hinted that I must have told my H to be harsh with her, to which he said "No, in fact this is all my idea, and I am pretty much doing it all for me, because I needed to tell you that you are and never have been a friend".

But she lives in denial so I am pretty sure all of that fell on deaf ears.

Although I personally wouldn't have called her, it sounds like you guys did great! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> I think it well he called here with you there, never lost his temper and made his feelings perfectly clear. Kudos on the POJA'ing of the situation. I'm curiouse, what were both of your reactions afterwards?

MTD

We were both very enthusiastic when we implemented the POJA, my reaction afterwards was of relief, it was as if someone had pulled the last of the knives off my back and my wound could finally get desinfected and treated properly. I feel very liberated.

He says he feels good he finally broke contact and pattern forever, he was very mad that she tried and tried to implement fog to herself to not hear the truth about things, but he has found he doesn't give a damn about what she thinks either way, so he is very happy to have closed that chapter of his life forever, and is looking forward to forgetting about it all.

I was very nervous there for a bit right after the call was done, since I would have handled it slightly different, but he didn't do bad at all and I let him know. Now we will proceed to block her number off my cell and dispose of it afterwards.

I am still a bit shakey, but it'll subside, it just baffles me people can live in such deep fog for years!