Kily,

I did not want to hijack the thread where you wrote the following:

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> This is going to sound weird, but she is going to start getting ENRAGED at you. She will be angry at everything - it's called transference </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you (and others) elaborate on this? I am not by any means optimistic or hopeful about this but my W hasn't stopped being angry at me for two weeks now and I'm trying to understand why. It is the longest she has been this way towards me.

Thank you.

<small>[ January 12, 2003, 12:59 AM: Message edited by: utterlyconfused ]</small>

anybody?

Hi UC,

Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. I only have inet during the week.

I'm not sure what the situation is at home. I can only speak from my experinece and what I've learned about me. If you care to share more, I will gladly give you mu OPINION about the sitch.

Anger is a defense mechanism that people are born with. It is a primary emotion that is supposed ot ensure our survival. When something happens that threatens us in an emotional way, we react in Anger first. This is instinctual, and it takes a real committment to growth and maturity to face the stimulus to the anger. THis is necessary to understand what the "wound" or trigger is that is causing teh anger.

Transference is another one of those self-protection mechanisms that is developed early on in life. With transference, the person is deeply afraid that there is something REALLY wrong with them. Instead of being honest and open about who they are, they hide their true feelings. They reject themselves and never really understand why they never really fit in, or why they always feel like something is missing in their lives. Thus the "emptiness" that is often expressed to the BS by the WS.

When something truly threatening ocurrs - in the case of TM's wife - she lost her identity when she lost OM - a person that is damaged in this way, can not face the reality of what is going on in their lives. They originally run to someone else because there is the "emptiness" inside of them that they need filled.

The situation with OP generates all kinds of hormones in the body and it creates a temporary Euphora in the WS. This can last between 6 and 9 months. This chemical reaction is a BIG relief to whatever pain they are feeling in their lives, and is part of the reason that they get so completely "lost" while in the heat of things. It TRULY is an addiction at this point. This is what is often referred to as an "escaoe" by the remorseful WS. It IS an escape from the inner turmoil that they are in.

In TM's wife's case, OP ended the A before she was ready. She is "hooked" on him and is TRULY going through withdrawl. Her anger is truly at the OM, but in her mind she LOVES him. Her devotion to this "fix" will not allow her to see him as anything other than perfect! Therefore, she directs that anger at TM because in her mind, he is the one that caused them to split. Whe is TRANSFERRING ownership from where it really belongs, to the most convinient party.

Her anger will subside when the CRAVING's die down. She will continue to feel ANGER until she is willing to OWN what really the truth.

I hope this helped.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 08:40 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

kily,

Are there any resources that you would recommend for further reading on this subject?

Luki,

I uncovered most of this through self-analyzation.

I know there were some books I read that led me here - I need to figure out which ones they were. I'll get back to you on it.

I'm thinking that it might be time to sit and write my own book about this stuff. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Found this at:

http://www.wawhite.org/transfe.html

Transference and Countertransference

This information is excerpted from Chapter 26, "Transference and Countertransference as Interpersonal Phenomena: An Introduction" by John Fiscalini, Ph.D. in Handbook of Interpersonal Psychoanalysis. 1995. Analytic Press, Hillside, NJ

"Transference, for Interpersonal analysts, refers to the unconscious transfer of experience from one interpersonal context to another. It refers, in other words, to the reliving of past interpersonal relations in current situations. The concept of transference, thus, is a fundamental expression of the psychoanalytic conviction that "the patterns of our later interpersonal relationships are formed in our early lives, repeated in our later lives, and can be understood through the medium of their repetition" (Fromm-Reichmann, 1950, p.4), particularly in the mutual aspects of the patient-analyst relationship.

...

Is this what you are talking about? This definition struck me as my WW is reliving her relationship w/ the ex-Boy friend.

OK, I'm bored at work. Here is another definition from: http://www.tir.org/metapsy/jom/101_transfer.html

Psychology Definition: "The main characteristic (of transference) is the experience of feelings to a person which do not befit that person and which actually apply to another. Essentially, a person in the present is reacted to as though he were a person in the past. Transference is a repetition, a new edition of an old object relationship.... The person reacting with transference feelings is in the main unaware of the distortion."1

Luki -

In it's literal sense that is exactly what is going on. The ANGRY part is running away from the pain because some childhood issues are being triggered. Instead of owning the issues, they are reacting as if they were still that child. Thus the tyranference of ANGER from where it belongs to who is the easiest target.

I was trying to put the definition into one that a WS actually feels and thinks while in the turmoil.

Basically, you're wounded in certain ways as a child (everyone is). You develop certain coping skills based on your situation. As you grow and mature, you face a point where the coping skills are no longer appropriate and you have to either learn new ones, or live in the "cycle". I think that so many repeat marriages fail because people simply don't stop and "fix" the problem. They continue to run to someone new because it is such a quick "solution" to pain.

That is exactly why it is imperitive to try to heal a relationship instead of develop a new one. Your problems will carry into the new relationship (WS and BS alike) and eventaully you reach the same obstacles until they are addressed.

One of the reasons why I like this forum so much is because it is filled with people that WANT to break the cycle and are looking to find the real answers behind it all. These people are going to be the ones that have success in their future relationships, whether it be with the partner that they have now or someone new. They are willing to look inside and see what's wrong.

I'm off my soapbox now~ <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Actually, I just caught your second link. I just want to comment that in both of these links it is being linked to the therapist patient relationship. I am trying to link it to the relationship of spouses and confidants.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 11:27 AM: Message edited by: kily ]</small>

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Luki:

Psychology Definition: "The main characteristic (of transference) is the experience of feelings to a person which do not befit that person and which actually apply to another. Essentially, a person in the present is reacted to as though he were a person in the past. Transference is a repetition, a new edition of an old object relationship.... The person reacting with transference feelings is in the main unaware of the distortion."1[/QB]</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">WOW! Maybe I'm jumping to conclusions, or looking for an excuse, but WOW! OK, a little more background and someone out there tell me if I'VE gone off MY deep end, or if this makes sense.

My wife was sexually assaulted as a child. She never delt with it because her therapist told her she would have to. So, being the hard headed independant person she is she has "fixed herself" in her eyes. A couple of years ago a friend of hers was killed in a traffic accident, that friend was also assaulted by the same person. I did not know this until a few months ago when the person who did this to her was arrested, sentenced and is now serving much time for repeated offenses. She had enourmous guilt over this because in her mind she could have stopped all those other kids from being hurt.

Since all of this has happened, along with OM and our "relationship", she now says she associates me with her childhood assaulter. Her words are "He's gone and now it's time for you to be gone!"

I was there when she brought this out as a young teenager. I held her, supported her, etc. I was also there when she got the call that her friend was killed, again same thing. I was there when she got the phone call that her assaulter had been arrested.

Am I off track grasping for straws here. Or does this make any sense to anyone? Sorry UC I didn't mean to highjack your thread....

TM-
BINGO!

Now you are starting to see the cprrelations. In her avoidance of her pain, she has RUN to someone to fix what is broken.......

Get that woman into counseling. She needs someone to turn to that she can trust. Someone OUTSIDE of the chaos!

TM94,

If transference does apply in your case then according to what I read(see links above) it will repeat itself again and again until your W deals with it.

UC, you out there?

I'm hoping that the counselor she's seeing now will be able to help her with all of this. But I'm not sure, she's convinced herself that her past is done and over with, she's delt with it. I don't see it, I think she has supressed it until it hit the boiling point and now she's not seeing it.

Add to that my problems and O-BOY! My IC, and our former MC both said that my problems were basically forcing her to relive that childhood experience over and over again without realizing it. I found out last night that my issues go back for GENERATIONS! Thanks mom & dad for the heads up that I would turn into a PERVERT by any scale.... Ok, enough venting...

She has said she has things she needs to work out, but can't trust me enough to work through them while she's living in the same house with me.

TM-

AT least now you KNOW that this is really the truth. Maybe it can give you a bit of perspective when things seem so chaotic....