I read the info you posted on transference and your description of how it applies in the WS/BS dynamic. I think you've hit the nail on the head as far as my W goes.

Two years ago, completely out of the blue, she tells me she's unhappy, but couldn't explain why. Just an empty feeling. OM was already in the picture at the time, but I didn't know it. A few months later we went to MC for a short time and she revealed that as a teenager, she felt she was lost in the middle of a big family and that nothing she said mattered and nothing she did was good enough to please her parents. The counselor asked her how she handled that and she said she just stopped trying to please them. The counselor said that was a typical response for a teenager, but will not work in an adult relationship. Apparently I made her feel the same way, or she projected those feelings on me. I was blamed for everything. That was the last time we went to counseling. I believe we entered an area that was off limits. A few weeks after I learned of OM. When I confronted her on it (with considerable proof), she denied they were more than friends and has denied it to this day.

Shortly after that she told me she wanted a D. Six months later she filed. About a year ago the OM called me to deny his involvement with my W, but he did tell me that she talked about killing herself. When I asked her about it, she denied ever saying it. To the best of my knowledge, OM is out of the picture now.

A few months ago, I asked my W if she was happy. She said no. I asked if she'll be happy once were divorced and she said no and that she'll probably never be happy again. I suggested she talk to a therapist and she even told me she would once, but hasn't.

From what I can tell, she blames me for her unhappiness, probably blames me for OM bailing on her and blames me for the D. I'm far from perfect, but not the monster the has made me out to be. I never wanted this D and I would have done anything to repair our marriage, but I never had the chance. Her life is turning out the way it is because of the choices she's made, yet she'd rather point the finger at me than look inside herself for the truth. It's too scary I guess.

I just thought I'd share that with you.

sad dad

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 01:12 PM: Message edited by: sad dad ]</small>

Sad Dad,

Yes, She and I could be the same person. Please take heart in knowing that there really IS nothing that YOU can do to fix her. She has to hit rock bottom and really "see" herself before it will begin to turn around.

For me, Rock Bottom happened, I faced it, and I'm learning more and more EVERY day. Unfortunately, when I finally was ready to start over, my opportunity was lost.

Sad Dad, please be good to yourself and your kids. Try to encourage your wife to see an IC. If you want, share my story with her. I only want to help people before the destroy their lives like I did.

Anytime you want to question me, or need someone to share your thoughts with, I am here......

kily,

Thanks you for your support and for sharing some of your insight. I'm sorry you didn't get the chance to right your wrongs, but I'm glad you finally saw the light and are on your way to personal recovery. I hope my W comes to the realizations that you have someday, otherwise she is probably right, she will never be happy until she accepts responsibility for the choices she's made and faces the truth about the root causes of her unhappiness and the emptiness she feels. At least then something good might come from this. She really is a good person, she just made a series of poor choices that come with a price.

sad dad

Sad Dad -

My story isn't done yet -

I believe that every time I post here, I am righting some of the wrongs.

In time I really believe that X and I will heal, and our "R" will be better than either of us ever thought possible. I'm just not sure in what context the "R" will be. Either way it is okay because I am where I need to be.......

Your wife WILL get there. It's just a matter of WHEN.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kily:
<strong> Your wife WILL get there. It's just a matter of WHEN.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hope you're right about this, but from what I've seen, it won't happen. The closer we get to the D being final, the more she will lose from the life she had, more she will inevitably blame me for.

sad dad

SD -

There is only so much blame she can place on you. At some point, you will NOT be there for her to focus everything on.

She will either start to blame the OM at that point, or hit bottom. Eventually, we all get tired of running.

Have faith, and take care. Being good to yourself and your kids is the best way to reach her. Believe me.
The most painful thing for the WS is to see that life moves on without you. Once you come to realize all that yo've lost and can't get back, you are forever changed.