When we went home for Christmas, durring the 12 hour drive thru the middle of the night we started talking. We talked about the Affair, and about other issues in our marriage in the previous years.Everyone once in a while he would be this far away look in his eye and shake his head. SO I finally said "what is bothering you" And very sadly he said If we did not have kids, I probably would have killed you.

Well what the hell do you say to that so I just sorta cried , thinking OMG do I KNOW this man at all?

SO please any input on this?The way he said it, it sounded very sincere and frankly it scared the **** out of me. And now I feel, I don't know different twords him for telling me this, for confessing this to me.

TIA

europia,

Sorry it happens like that but you know you still have time ... the hurt surface once in a while, I don't blame him. However you have to watch out if this is become too real, you have to protect your self. Meanwhile, fillin hs ENs to the tops and also avoid LB'ed. Time will heal but any it will take time.
How is the recovery other than this incident ?.

-rh-

Oh my. I'm afraid you are the only one that can answer your questions. Do you think you have a reason to actually fear him? Cerri has a note in her sig line "You cannot be in love with someone whom you fear". That is true. If you are truly afraid of your H, you need to get to a safe place. There is no cause for violence in a M, even when dealing with an A. If on the other hand you think it was something said as a hyperbole to express his feelings, then you still may want to exercise some caution. If the latter is true than I think you should have a quiet, non-threatening talk with your H and POJA the situation. This is not something one says lightly. Part of the reason my W kept the truth from me so long was that she was afraid of me. I've never raised my hands at her, ever, but still the anger was there. And I've always had a short temper. See what the GWO's here think, but I for one think whatever you do, proceed with caution. And please, let us know how you're doing.

MTD

That comment sounds like emotional abuse to me.

Does he know that his remark has been weighing on your mind ever since it came out of his mouth? (Have you talked about it at all since that day?) How the heck did the rest of the ride home go?

Yes, you (and I) may have made a very hurtful and selfish mistake by having an affair, but you don't deserve to be told such a horrifying thing.
You are right to be very much bothered by your H's remark.

However, I feel at a bit of a loss here for any real advice. Anyone else have any thoughts, or been through something similar?

JB

only you can assess whether the remark reveals something for cause to worry (and if so, leave and never look back). However, at the very least it is emotional abuse, and you should keep that in mind, if there is a pattern of such abuse, all you can do is pack your bags, there is little reason to hope for any kind of healthy relationship with one who does so, especially if they don't acknowledge it, and are not in serious continuous therapy until it is fixed.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 06:49 PM: Message edited by: LurkingAbout ]</small>

thank you all for the quick replies.

yes this has been on my mind every day since he told me. And no I haven't talked about it becuase I was afraid to bring it up.

He is going thru a depression right now and I am not sure what to do about it.I don't know if I can get him to go to IC, he is always saying it will ruin his Carrer , or take away his security clearence.

So recovery is up and down, I have a hard time tell him when my EN are not being met because he told me when he is depressed its the last thing he wants to do, so its a lose lose situation.

He has verbally abused me before, ( in my mind ...he would always swear at me , not really call names, but say things like Why did you *ucken do that for?Close the *ucken door its cold outside!What the *uck are you thinking? kind of comments that I grew up with my father saying to my mother and I promised myself I would never let my kids see that .... one thing that attracted me to OM), but I wasn;t sure if this was just talking, or if he really meant it. I guess I can see if he said he had thought about it , but he would never do it. But he did not, he said it so point blank. Like he WOULD have done it, not just thought about it if we did not have the kids.

Wait a dern minute here!!

He's not threatening you.

Let me say this - my wife dern near DID kill me!!!

Dern close. Very, very, very close.

Did she mean to? You former WSs answer this - of course she didn't!!!!!!!!!

I think you grossly underestimate the pain of the BS.

He's merely trying to communicate his pain.

Don't get yer knickers in a knot.

Abuse??? Give me a break!!!!!!!

You clearly do not understand.

That said, his statement is not warranted, but I think you folks are taking it FAR too literally.

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 07:25 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I'm gonna throw a different spin on this..with the upmost disclaimer that anyone who truly feels threatened should all they can to remove themselves from the situation...

I think what your husband told you about his feelings... is somewhat tied up in the men are from mars..women are from venius ...

That he is telling you honestly of his pain and how he processed it...

I work part time as an administrator on duty at a hospital...Four of us cover the hospital on nights, weekends and holidays...and are the big cheese in town...

My male partner with whom I split twelve hour weekend shifts and give and get report from...very much enlightened me about something...

Every so often we have in our hospital a patient that has restricted visitors, or visitors that are detrimental to the patients health...or sometimes just someone who is so unhappy they just pretty much lose control...

It is often my job to intervene and meet with these people, insist that they vacate the premises...and be involved in some pretty sticky involved situations....etc..

When discussing such interactions/altercations with my partner...be it that an incident happened on my shift or his...he brought it to light that every time he enters into a conflict with a person...one part of his brain is automatically assessing that if it should come to pass could he take him down in a fight...Now my friend is mild mannered pleasant and not some buff big brute kind of guy...and the last person I imagine in altercation....and brought this light by explaining an incident on his shift...and ended it by saying...but I could of beaten the crap out of him if I had to...I was like...what??? that's the last thing I think of when dealing with people like that...
I was amazed by this thought...that to him every type of conflict brought to some part of his conscience...a back up plan if things got physical..while I being the female...never ever envision types of physical altercation especially in the sense of sizing the person I am dealing with up ..and assessing who is stronger...

So one male one female...
Same scene...patients boyfriend comes to visit...patient doesn't want to see boyfriend any more...It becomes my job to ask him to leave...
I process this in my head as worse case scenario..he refuses to leave...I end up having to call police and have him removed...
My male friend processes this as well...his job to ask boyfriend to leave...but part of him assesses damage he could do or have done to him if boyfriend refuses to leave....

I came home and asked my husband...and he concurred the same thought process existing on a certain level when things get emotional..or sticky...

Now naturally this is your husband...but he didn't kill you....and perhaps is just being honest about the feelings he felt....I think all men are capable of reacting physicaly quicker than women...and I don't mean that as a blanket negative label type of thing...but women may react emotionally more readily and men more physically...

just a thought..
ARK

How many times have people said horrible things (in the heat of passion) towards a loved one that were not true?

Sometimes we put too much value in the words of others when it's their actions that speak volumes. Now granted, I don't know your H like you do but haven't a lot of BS's have said that if they had caught their WS cheating that the M would be over or they would kill them and yet when it happens this doesn't happen to be the case?

I humbly suggest that you look at his actions towards you (and not his words) to determine what his real intentions are.

Yes, the things that a BS will say, but you need to express to him sometime soon, that that statement has affected you. That you are trying to not dwell on it, that you are going to get it out of your head. But yes, it was a dreadful thing to hear.

I think all BS's owuld like to have their WS killed. I did, cause then they can't do it anymore. So the OW in my picture, would of been dead before she put her claws in my husband. And then now my husband would be dead which would be so dreadful. But I have finally come to the conclusion, that all WS's should go to a island, with no health care, or naything, just what is on the island, and see who survives. She who are the ones that survive. Remember new ones are coming in every week. They are stronger, and probably more angry. So the ones on the island will have to prepare and become animals.

That would be a great show. I wonder if this is something that will come in the near future. Island of Betrayal. Hey, maybe I should recommend this, and I get a percent of the $$.

Anyways, God knows who the betrayers are, and like pastor Jim and my counselors said. The betrayer will get their payback, when God decides. Theymay think they are going to live a life of fantasy and love. But their payback is going to be herendous. The only person they can marry is their spouse. And any other marriage will be a sin, and there will be a payback.

Especially in the marriages where the spouse did not commit after the affair, and did not show remorse or guilt.

Has your hsuband said anything about how bad he feels about the statement? I would talk to him about it, and are you two in recovery? I would talk to that person about what your husabnd said. Then maybe he could talk to the two of you together, and air this frighteneing statement out.

My husband told me once, that he would like to drive to a dirt road and throw me out the door. While I was in the van. He said he hated me, and couldn't wait to get me out of his life. You know, those words hurt. But he said them out of anger. So I have forgiven him on some things, but there are some things that I haven't. I have to work on the others.

The good thing is that the two of you are working together. Maybe he is just expressing his thoughts of back then, and this will help him recover. I was unable to express my thoughts very much cause my husabnd would get so upset with whatever I said. It was like walking on eggshells. The kids got yelled at, and this was so unfair to all of us. But the WS uses everything to get back at the family. I know this now.

You need to talk and get this out. That is the cureall for a statement of this degree.

euphoria,

Listen ... this is my 2¢. You should stop being a victim.

1. Your BS is a victim and you still asking your ENs being fill .... did you fill his ?. If no then you have the obligation to fillin his w/o asking anything in returned ... similiar all BS has done in plan A.
2. You have a high tolerance of abuse by having seen in your family. However you should tackle one problem at a time. You have to help your BS as your first priority. Later you have to do POJA w/ him to have a mutual respect relationship.

Granted he is not seeking IC, could you get a anti depression for him ?.

-rh-

Ark thanks for you long post, but you confused the crap out of me LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I appreciate all the replies. I wasn't sure if this was something that maybe was normal or what. I guess I am too hung up on semantics, but it would have been much better to hear him say , 'you know when you did this to me all I could think was how I wanted to kill you to stop the pain' NOT point blank I would be dead now if it wasn;t for my kids.

Lately we haven't been spending alot of time together so I really need to address this. thanks every one for your input it means alot to me!!

.....after all, he IS USMC, not a tax accountant or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"If not for the kids I would have overstated our charitable contributions!!!!"

<small>[ January 13, 2003, 07:52 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

I think I am fulfilling his ENs... he honestly has not done the EN form, that I did. He says I do everything fine. SO I continue to act the way I did in the past, and I was a very good wife to him. We did not have a plan A. The PA/EA ended and I told H. there was NC after that.

I don't know what to do to help him and when i ask he says he doesn't know either.

Worthatry LOL you are right and we do have alot of stresses right now. There is a stop move on all orders in the Marine Corps due to the Middle east. We were moving to yuma AZ in the Spring.Now not only is he still working with OM, but he cannot go on any deployments until he gets to YUma and he WANTS to go really really badly. So major stress for him.

euphoria:

This is important, go to your doctor and ask for anti depressant ... and be honest w/ the doctor and give it to BS. He needs it. Even your BS doesn't do the 4 rules of recovery, you should. Fillin ENQ, LBQ, RAQ for your H, as if he fillin it. He is your H you should be able to guess it or filln for him and ask him to check it ...lol!. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

-rh-

Yes it is aweful. Have I felt that way...yes. Never said it. The rage can be that intense. Everyone is right in that only you can gague how serious he is. If he was just badly expressing his despair so be it.

I have envisioned the demise of the OW. I used to harbor true venomous hate. I have gotten past it.

I have said in the heat of the moment: "I will make the perfect widow but I will be one b**** of an ex-wife so don't push me." But I am all talk.

The comment alone may be inappropriate but I know how he feels. If not for the salvation of knowing the responsibility of parenthood he felt he could have ended his own life by ending yours...maybe not literally but I think he may be trying to express how destructive the affair was to him. The way he said it could have been better, but in the context you described he may have felt comfortable enough with you to let you in on how crazy and out of control he once felt. It actually could be a positive sign that he is more in touch with his feelings and feels able to share them with you. He may be rebuilding his trust in you by admitting to his blackest thoughts. The scenario you described did not sound threatening rather a safe environment to communicate. Yes he could have phrased it better but I think he wanted to get it off his chest.

I think in general people underestimate how much their spouse really loves them and a threat to that love can truly make one irrational. It is positive that in a rational setting he has trust in you to admit how bad it got for him. Only you can judge that about him.

best wishes.

ayslyne

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by worthatry:
<strong>.....after all, he IS USMC, not a tax accountant or something. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

"If not for the kids I would have overstated our charitable contributions!!!!"</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wait a minute WAT.... do you know what 'tax accountants' go through??? LOL!!!

Ok, Euphoria...... Just to let you in on a not so secret secret..... Us BS' often do think and 'sometimes' say just that.

Example:
WS: If we didn't have our child, we'd be divorced by now.

BS: Yep you are right, in fact if we didn't have our child, you'd probably be dead right now.
Just be glad we are not living back under the Mosaic law..... I'd have legal grounds to have you stoned! Oh yea but it would have to be both you and the OW. Hm.......

WS: I never loved you to begin with.
BS: Well when did you stop being the guy that proposed to me on the beach and sent me letters to never leave you?

WS: I wished I never married you.
BS: Well right now I wished I never married you. Hurry up and get the D. I need to find a good H.
WS: I can't who will take care of my son?
BS: Me, like always.

Those conversations happened. For real! Bet you all will view me in a different light?!?!?! Oh no, Orchid has a temper!!! I do and a sense of humor and feelings.

I am not advocating speaking of violence. Human nature has it that the wrong words can come out but what happened to take him to that level? How can that path be avoided? We all have to learn to control our tongue AND actions.

A WS can not expect the BS to NOT have a reaction. In fact if a BS does not react, he or she might be dead! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

The point is that your H said how he felt. It scared you. It should. When you had your H think of the pain and fear you caused your H. In your case it wasn't just words, it was real. Now who should be more scared of who?

JMHO,
L.

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 11:49 PM: Message edited by: A whole new me ]</small>

<small>[ March 04, 2004, 11:50 PM: Message edited by: A whole new me ]</small>