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My wife two year long affair with OM # 1 is over, but she is with OW #2. Can we save our marriage? We are together for 15 years and we have on daughter.She is 10 years old. Please we need help?
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Dear lost husband:
Welcome to MB. We probably need to know more about your situation. But believe me, all is not lost as long as both partners believe the marriage is salvagable and I think some have saved their Ms when it was only them working on it from the beginning.
If you haven't already read the articles on this website, I encourage you to do so immediately. Also, the book, Surviving an Affair is extremely helpful. It is available for purchase on this website. There are also questionnaires on this website for you and your W to fill out.
You haven't said if your W knows you know about the A or if she has decided to have no contact (NC) with OM#2. This is crucial info.
You have a child, so that is one reason to work on your M. You've been married for 15 years and that is another. What it comes down to is this: You have to be able to look yourself in the mirror and say you tried everything to save your M. If you can't say that, then try harder.
You will find lots of wonderful, great, supportive advice on here. Use it. Keep posting, and perhaps, give us some more info to go on.
DB.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost husband:
<strong>My wife two year long affair with OM # 1 is over, but she is with OW #2. Can we save our marriage? We are together for 15 years and we have on daughter.She is 10 years old. Please we need help?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Only if both of you are willing to work it out. Where is your WW at in term of all of this A ? ... did I read it wrong OW ? ... Are you willing to ride the coaster ?.
-rh-
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Thank you Dazedblonde and Redhat for your replies
We are separated for almost two years now. She has been living with OW#1 all this time…He went back to Germany and she started dating OW#2 one week later. I know about both affairs . I told her about my feelings and safety for my daughter , but she told me that we have no hope for reconciliation and she is no longer in love with me. What can I do.
She still in contact with OW #1 .She is opening up more…She told me that we both made mistakes and we can be friends.. I don’t want to be friend, I want to be her husband.
She is talking Divorce ,because she needs to find someone special….I’m lost…..
What about withdrawal from OW#1?
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Dear lost:
OW??? Like Red hat said, OW? I think there was a thread a couple of months ago about what to do about Spouses involved in same sex relationships. I'll see if I can find the thread, it might be of help. I know there's another man on here that has the same problem and I'll try to remember his name, maybe he can help. You might try posting a new topic about same sex relationships and maybe he'll answer.
DB
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I made a mistake. It is not OWs but OMs
We are separated for almost two years now. She has been living with OM#1 all this time…He went back to Germany and she started dating OM#2 one week later. I know about both affairs . I told her about my feelings and safety for my daughter , but she told me that we have no hope for reconciliation and she is no longer in love with me. What can I do.
She still in contact with OM #1 .She is opening up more…She told me that we both made mistakes and we can be friends.. I don’t want to be friend, I want to be her husband.
She is talking Divorce ,because she needs to find someone special….I’m lost…..
What about withdrawal from OM#1?
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Okay, that's better. I've not heard anything positive about same sex relationships ever being over. So that's a plus for ya!
Have you read about Plan A and Plan B on this website? Also, you might want to fill out the Emotional Needs Questionnaire for you and for your wife. It's really supposed to be filled out by her but for now, if you can just recognize what needs she might be getting fufilled from OM and not you, you will know what you need to work on.
How far (physically, in miles) are you apart? Do you have a legal separation and where does D live?
Yes, your wife is no doubt in withdrawal from OM#1 but seeing OM#2 is not good. Does she live alone or with OM?
Sorry for all the questions, but it just helps us all to understand and give advice better.
Keep posting, though, because it helps. Another little piece of advice is that you cannot make her do anything. You can only control your actions. By reading on this website and some of the books that others recommend, you can become a better person. When this happens, she might wake up and realize what she is missing. That is somewhat of what Plan A is all about. YOU.
Good luck,
DB
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Hi and welcome to this board
To answer your question: all is not lost. First of all, you need to understand more about the psychology of affairs. this site gave me a lot of insight - please do the background reading (articles on this site), understand everything what his meant by plan A and B etc, and ask questions here if not sure.
That should help you to understand yourself and to formulate a game plan. whether there is a happy end at the end of the road is too early to tell, however as I said, it will give you a good roadmap. If it turns to Divorce, then you'll be able to look yourself in the mirror and say - I've tried it all at least.
As a specific next step - be honest with your feelings, e.g. let her know how lost you feel. Maybe you can get her to do some joint counselling, not necessarily with reconciliation as a goal, but maybe with reconciliation as a possible outcome?
Good luck!
N
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lost husband: listen, this is what you need to do and please answer more detail questions ... Stop talking about A or R ASAP, it didn't do you any good and it will not !. Meanwhile read as much as you can about MB ... start with basic concept then several links under my signatures. Get HNHN & SAA. How is your M before A ?, any good happy memory ?, basically what is your M history ?. Any insight on what she complaint about leading to A ? ... any ENs ignored ? ... do you have A prior to hers ?. Any childhood or family problems that attributed to her behavior ?. Even we are in 22nd Century, woman are not likely to be come philanderer ... specially with offspring, it is not as common as men. Who took care of your D ? ... living with them <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> for the past 2 years+ ? Who is OM#1 and who is OM#2 ?. do you know anything about them ? .... What have you done in 2 years of their R ? ... why do you want your WW back after 2 years and 2 men ? .... Sorry many questions ... one thing MB could do for you, to be a better person w/ or w/o your W and stop enabeling. -rh-
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double posts .. opsh
<small>[ January 15, 2003, 11:15 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>
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Thank you all for your replies
She was living with OM1. As soon as he left ,she inviting OM@ to live with her...She told me once that I left her alone and did not care about her.I don't know anything about those two men...She lives five blocks from me.. I had a revenge affair when I found out about her infidelity, but I felt so guilty and I missed her so much and then I stop it.. Please help?
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We take care of our daughter... My wife wants to be my friend.. I want to be her husband....We both made mistakes...I'm sorry my English, but we are Brazilians.
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost husband: <strong>She told me once that I left her alone and did not care about her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is what you need to recollect ... you have to show care to her, this is one of her need ... now be specific about what she said that you do to show not caring ?. This is one of the basis of your plan A !!!, you have to show changes and capable of changed. After that think again what else she complaint about you .... detail, detail ... I would make a note with a heading of "not caring" then have two columns, one side what she said about it and one side what you do to show changes, actions, actions and actions !!!!. </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> We are Brazilian </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Don't need to applologize about your english, I came from next to down under .... Indonesia. Now it explain a lot about your W behavior (my xW is latina, M / A could be spell the same) but it doesn't explain about you ... usually men are macho and kick butt on something like this. Anyway, have you read basic concept ? do you need help to find plan A ? -rh-
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost husband:
<strong>We both made mistakes...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Wait a minutes ... when she said this, or it just came from you ? -rh-
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We don’ t have any legal sepparation yet… We are still married.
“How is your M before A ?, any good happy memory ?, basically what is your M history ?. Any insight on what she complaint about leading to A ? ... any ENs ignored ? ... do you have A prior to hers ?. Any childhood or family problems that attributed to her behavior ?. Even we are in 22nd Century, woman are not likely to be come philanderer ... specially with offspring, it is not as common as men. Who took care of your D ? ... living with them for the past 2 years+ ?”
Our marriage was pretty good. We never fought each other. I take care of all the bills and mortgage. We always went out together. We went to Florida many times and Brazil. We enjoyed each other very much. I was so happy.But in the last two years I bought a computer and spent many hours on line(My mistakes) and she started complaining about it, but I didn’t care ,because I was too busy. I did ignore her needs completely. No, I did not have any Affair prior to hear.
“What have you done in 2 years of their R ? ... why do you want your WW back after 2 years and 2 men ? ....”
When I found out about her affair I kicked her out of the house and she took my daughter to live with OM #1. I want her back,because I read SAA and HNHN and I know what I did wrong.. I love her and I hope that she give me one chance.
“This is what you need to recollect ... you have to show care to her, this is one of her need ... now be specific about what she said that you do to show not caring ?. This is one of the basis of your plan A !!!, you have to show changes and capable of changed. After that think again what else she complaint about you .... detail, detail ... I would make a note with a heading of "not caring" then have two columns, one side what she said about it and one side what you do to show changes, actions, actions and actions !!!!.”
She complained about many hours I spent on line. And when my daughter was born she started complaining that I was giving all my love and affection to my daugther. Sometimes I did not bring her flowers on her birthday she always complainded about that. And I did not give a kiss in the morning or afternoon….
"WE BOTH MADE MISTAKES" SHE SAID TO ME YESTERDAY....
She asked to be her friend.. What does it mean?
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We don’ t have any legal sepparation yet… We are still married.
“How is your M before A ?, any good happy memory ?, basically what is your M history ?. Any insight on what she complaint about leading to A ? ... any ENs ignored ? ... do you have A prior to hers ?. Any childhood or family problems that attributed to her behavior ?. Even we are in 22nd Century, woman are not likely to be come philanderer ... specially with offspring, it is not as common as men. Who took care of your D ? ... living with them for the past 2 years+ ?”
Our marriage was pretty good. We never fought each other. I take care of all the bills and mortgage. We always went out together. We went to Florida many times and Brazil. We enjoyed each other very much. I was so happy.But in the last two years I bought a computer and spent many hours on line(My mistakes) and she started complaining about it, but I didn’t care ,because I was too busy. I did ignore her needs completely. No, I did not have any Affair prior to hear.
“What have you done in 2 years of their R ? ... why do you want your WW back after 2 years and 2 men ? ....”
When I found out about her affair I kicked her out of the house and she took my daughter to live with OM #1. I want her back,because I read SAA and HNHN and I know what I did wrong.. I love her and I hope that she give me one chance.
“This is what you need to recollect ... you have to show care to her, this is one of her need ... now be specific about what she said that you do to show not caring ?. This is one of the basis of your plan A !!!, you have to show changes and capable of changed. After that think again what else she complaint about you .... detail, detail ... I would make a note with a heading of "not caring" then have two columns, one side what she said about it and one side what you do to show changes, actions, actions and actions !!!!.”
She complained about many hours I spent on line. And when my daughter was born she started complaining that I was giving all my love and affection to my daugther. Sometimes I did not bring her flowers on her birthday she always complainded about that. And I did not give a kiss in the morning or in the afternoon….
"WE BOTH MADE MISTAKES" SHE SAID IT TO ME YESTERDAY....
She asked to be her friend.. What does it mean?
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We don’ t have any legal sepparation yet… We are still married.But she talked about Divorce twice in two years.
“How is your M before A ?, any good happy memory ?, basically what is your M history ?. Any insight on what she complaint about leading to A ? ... any ENs ignored ? ... do you have A prior to hers ?. Any childhood or family problems that attributed to her behavior ?. Even we are in 22nd Century, woman are not likely to be come philanderer ... specially with offspring, it is not as common as men. Who took care of your D ? ... living with them for the past 2 years+ ?”
Our marriage was pretty good. We never fought each other. I take care of all the bills and mortgage. We always went out together. We went to Florida many times and Brazil. We enjoyed each other very much. I was so happy.But in the last two years I bought a computer and spent many hours on line(My mistakes) and she started complaining about it, but I didn’t care ,because I was too busy. I did ignore her needs completely. No, I did not have any Affair prior to hear.
“What have you done in 2 years of their R ? ... why do you want your WW back after 2 years and 2 men ? ....”
When I found out about her affair I kicked her out of the house and she took my daughter to live with OM #1. I want her back,because I read SAA and HNHN and I know what I did wrong.. I love her and I hope that she give me one chance.
“This is what you need to recollect ... you have to show care to her, this is one of her need ... now be specific about what she said that you do to show not caring ?. This is one of the basis of your plan A !!!, you have to show changes and capable of changed. After that think again what else she complaint about you .... detail, detail ... I would make a note with a heading of "not caring" then have two columns, one side what she said about it and one side what you do to show changes, actions, actions and actions !!!!.”
She complained about many hours I spent on line. And when my daughter was born she started complaining that I was giving all my love and affection to my daugther. Sometimes I did not bring her flowers on her birthday she always complainded about that. And I did not give a kiss in the morning or in the afternoon….
"WE BOTH MADE MISTAKES" SHE SAID IT TO ME YESTERDAY....
She asked me to be her friend.. What does it mean?
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</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by lost husband: <strong>She asked to be her friend.. What does it mean?</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What she meant is that she realized that she 've make mistake and hope by being freind at least you somehow forgive for what she has done .... She knows she has made mistake and both of you but don't know how to work it out .... and worst she is not convinced that you could change. I would write a plan A letter ... including a pledge of fixing the mistake you have done (actions), including that many has traveled this road of infedelity but many survived and have a better M than this one ... give it to her and wait while she is reading it. Get a counseling for both of you, get help from your local church ... never go wrong. If you could afford it, get it from MB .... Depending on her reactions, I would give her the HNHN and SAA book to read .... I would have bring a rose and her favorite perfume to be ready and give it to her at the appropriate moment to go along with the books. 'Comon Romeo you know what to do ... I am only a Chino <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> This is to mark your plan A and give it a few months until she see your changes and acknowledge it. Another good book for romatic woman like your W, read the language of love. -rh-
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To Redhat.
Please where is my plan A letter.I need help!
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There is no Plan A letter. You put your actions down on paper so your wife knows exactly what you are doing.
Tell her,
1- you love her and you are committed to the marriage.
2- you are learning what makes marriages/relationships work AND fail.
3- you are looking at yourself and your behaviors and learning/correcting what is bad for relationships, such as Lovebusters.
4- you are learning what her emotional needs are and how you can better meet them
5- marriages can come back after an affair AND be MUCH better than they were before (because of everything learned)
This letter needs to backed up by ACTION!
Learning all this stuff is great but if you do not apply it, then it's useless and your relationship will again end up where it is now.
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