I posted here for the first time recently under New Here - Need Advice. Anyway my question, why does my WH make everything that happens about him? I recently told him about hurtful comments that were made to me by a mutual acquaintance about his A. I was trying to explain my down mood at his request but as soon as I told him it became all about him. How dare somebody talk about him that way, blah, blah, blah. I'm not even in the picture!

Why does it always have to be about him? Or am I foolish to expect anything else. Maybe I shouldn't have even brought this up when in Plan A?

Are you referring to the affair being all about him, or your marriage/life in general being all about him?

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 04:57 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

My FWH makes every conversation about him, too. It must be a guilty WS thing. I want to know all these details, and I've done a lot of soul searching about this. So I started a conversation to get it all in the open and I told him, it was about me, for me, to help me. He broke down crying and wouldn't explain anything. Says it makes him feel bad, like a loser, and that I don't deserve someone like him.

IT'S ABOUT ME!!!!

Needless to say, we don't have many of THOSE talks because it upsets him so. I'm hoping for a little more time for him to become less emotional about it. I feel an R talk coming on.... and I want it to be about ME.

Isn't there a country song " I wanna talk about me"?
DB

Going through counseling, it is the guilt that they feel and so they can't say they screwed up, so they put the blame on you. And of course they will talk about themselves, and how they feel, and how they acknowledge the affair, and how the affair met their emotional needs, etc. etc.

Wayward spouses, also, show selfishness. They are so into themselves, and what makes them feel good is the most important thing in their life. The man we gave our heart, our soul, our body, no longer cares about us. They care only about themselves, and what feels good for them.

It is also called the FOG!!! My WH finally said yes that he was in a FOG, yes that it was fantasy. You know, I was so glad to hear that, and it did lift me up.

But this did not come for many many many months.

I would ask God to help you, and seek counseling. Your kids are hurting as well as you. Look out for your family, and be polite to your husband. I wasn't, and I feel bad about this. I would like to beable to take back the words I said. But I can't go back. So I am asking God to help change me, and through counseling to help change me. I love my husband, and I know we could have a very happy marriage.

Good luck, and you are doing okay. Yes, he is so into the FOOGGGG.... , work on yourself, and be the best person you can. Get into counseling, it helps, and will help you get a persepctive on life.

My question was never answered (above), so if I'm totally off base with any of the following, please excuse me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> :

Here's an example of what went on in my house pre-A (a small insignificant example that spread into much larger areas of our life especially finances!!): One day my bottle of shampoo fell off of the ledge in the shower and hit his toe. It was a huge deal and from that day forth, I was to not leave the shampoo up there. (it fell 1 time in nine years!!) However, if he emptied the ice trays and did not refill them so that we did not have any ice at supper time, the question was - why didn't you (me, jamup) fill the ice trays?!?! In other words, inconveniences to him meant I needed to do more/change my ways, but inconveniences to ME were things I would just have to work out on my own! Like I said, this applied to vehicles (he's had the truck of his dreams purchased out of the family finances over and over, 4X4s, Ext. Cabs, Duallys, whatever he wanted, and I've driven 8-10 year old grandma cars that he managed to get at a good deal! etc.)

So what has changed? His A changed things quite a bit. He realized about 2 weeks after d-day that the reason I had turned so cold to him prior and during the A was because he wasn't doing HIS part in the family. Since then I got a $14,000 diamond (would have NEVER been considered before!) and a practically new sports car. He has made an effort to splurge on me in ways he didn't before. He's filling the ice trays, sweeping the floors etc. Basically, he grew up some due to his A. When he told him mother about the A, a huge part of their discussion was about how selfish her kids were. (she always made sure they had everything they wanted, where I came from a home where my parents didn't want me to be selfish, so made sure I DIDN'T have everything I wanted)

I wrote him a letter shortly after d-day feeling that why not get all of this stuff out because if I ran him off by telling him how I felt about his selfcenteredness, then what had I lost. Guess what??! He brought the letter back to me and said that everything I said in it was true! And it was a pretty blunt, untactful, tell it like it is letter. I was really surprised that he stomached it like he did.

It's been a year now, and sometimes that selfishness creeps back out in him (which I feel is only normal). BUT I HAD TO MAKE SOME CHANGES IN ME TOO!! I've always been so frugal that I would not allow family monies to be spent on me. Then I'd hold it against him for having all of the nice things and me having nothing. So I had to loosen up a bit and ALLOW him to spend on me, and DEMAND that he spend on me when I began to feel "jilted". This goes to chores too, even though I do a better job of mopping, can do it faster, know more about it, I had to begin ALLOWING him to help when he volunteered instead of telling him no thanks.

Sometimes we have to make changes to allow our partner to fill our love bank. And this is what I had to do. So in the end, we've both changed, and so far so good. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ January 16, 2003, 07:52 AM: Message edited by: jamup ]</small>