Hi everyone. After six months of seperation (Legal Seperation) the first 4 begging her to reconsider our marriage meet each others needs and restore love etc...oh yeah dump the other man too. There wasn't much there.

Last 2 months of me just accepting it and being me, being happy, being confident etc...All of a sudden the ol wedding ring gets dusted off, she tells me she loves me, that I am the best, that shes ready to move on with our lives together etc

Even tells me that she wants to buy a new house and "Start Over"--All positive things right? Wrong?

Last night I get a voice mail at home telling me to pursue making an offer on the new house...then open my e-mail and its says "We just need to live out this legal seperation so it snot money that we threw down the drain I'll need approx 17% of your bonus, lets take this slow"

Is this Jeckel & Hyde or what! Back to being aloof? Back to semi Plab B with friendliless?

She says I want a "puppet"---Well if me wanted to be treated with kindness, respect, honesty and staying faithful means I want a puppet, then so be it. Its all vey positive. But when I say things like contacting former lovers (Before we were married), having a private e-mail accounts and having EA's-PA's etc are deal breakers she thinks as if I want a puppet! Should I be afraid at this point in clearing the air. I used to be terrified (even during her A) to upset her.

Much advise would be appreciated.

Thank You

Ps- This would be our second "False recovery" One in Sept one last week.

Hi Rlyhurtin,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> All of a sudden the ol wedding ring gets dusted off, she tells me she loves me, that I am the best, that shes ready to move on with our lives together etc </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Hmmmm.... she's ready to move on... What ACTIONS has she shown you that she's committed to working on the M?

IMHO, it sounds like she just wants to "forget that all of this happened" and just buy a house with you... and oh yeah, give her approx. 17% of your bonus???? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I wouldn't worry about "upsetting" her... You need to protect YOURSELF.

If you still want your M, then I would wait until she SHOWS you some meaningful, consitant ACTIONS that prove that she is committed to rebuilding the M... until then, I wouldn't trust a word that comes out of her mouth. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Rebuilding-

Thank you! I think you are right. I feel the same way. The words are certainly nice to hear but one date (one wonderful date) isn't really enough isn't it? She did say she wanted to go on a marriage encounter weekend but...?

After I got that voice mail and e-mail I may have LB'ed. But you tell me...

"I said, you know I just can't figure you out. I get a voice mail that includes me in your future plans and implys we are getting together and then an e-mail that says we shouldn't waste the money on the legal speration and that in fact you need money." --What do you want from me. I guess we sell the house and get two houses?--She said Fine!

What the hell is going thru this womans mind. She says I am the one that is waffling because I may feel gun shy about getting burned again but come on...Her A is supposedly over. The guy moved 40 miles away. But I did see she contacted an ex-lover (prior to marriage) and she knows that hurts me, why does she feel like she needs to treat me like a yo-yo.

What is your advise

I sure wouldn't buy a new house...unless I knew I wanted to live there with or without her! I wouldn't share my bonus...unless I was surposed to do so. I wouldn't make move one until I see some action...not empty words.

Rebuilding-

My wife loves men. I only know of one A is it possible mine had more than one too? What symptoms would I be looking for. I know when we were dating she had an ex spend the night with her because he had no where to stay. She says "nothing happened" but after all of this...You are right its hard to beleive anything she says

Hi Rlyhurtin,

Someone posted this before... it's a pretty good list of "indicators". Remember ACTIONS speak louder than words...

50 Indicators of Infidelity.

1. A sudden upturn in their demeanor or outlook on life.
2. Constantly late.
3. More possessive toward wallet, pocket calendar or briefcase.
4. Comes home more often with alcohol on breath.
5. Starts talking about getting together with old friends they haven't seen in years.
6. Starts shopping for new clothes.
7. Starts taking a renewed interest in their appearance.
8. Starts keeping an overnight bag in their car or office, ostensibly for a workout or a game of tennis.
9. Orders dishes or new household items never ordered before.
10. Does not look at other women/men as much as they used to.
11. Starts working late and on holidays and weekends.
12. Express opinions on subjects that they never had an interest in.
13. Takes a new interest in anticipated schedule.
14. Encourages you to visit parents or friends alone.
15. They give you gifts that show a new level of taste or insight about the opposite sex.
16. Car is kept free of paraphernalia belonging to you or the kids.
17. Starts attending extended seminars or conventions.
18. Start using new words and phrases.
19. At odd hours they start remembering things they forgot to do at the office.
20. They suggest that you open up separate checking accounts.
21. Often forget to wear wedding ring.
22. Takes the dog for much longer walks.
23. Makes more phone calls late at night.
24. A marked change of attitude towards secretary, colleagues or friends.
25. Suddenly takes up new hobbies or friends that take them out of the house in the evenings and weekends.
26. They talk about a movie they've seen but you have not.
27. They insist on answering the phone.
28. They call out a different name in sleep.
29. Smell of a different soap from the brand at home and/or you smell freshly showered at 1.00am.
30. They care about how breath smells. New mints, gum, etc. found around house.
31. Uses pre-paid calling card/pager/cell phone for the first time ever.
32. Loses a lot of weight and seems proud of new body.
33. Saddest list item is: change in die-hard pro-life feelings on abortion.
34. Gut feeling. The biggest indicator of an affair is just feeling that it is so.
35. Juvenile behavior and music interests!!!
36. Uses more kid slang than the kids!!!!!
37. Knows all the new pop singers and has CD's.
38. When they lose stuff they accuses you of gettting into their "stuff"....
39. Uses the ATM way too much!
40. All of a sudden, their attitude about people who cheat changes, e.g., "we shouldn't judge because we don't know their whole story."
41."It wasn't a dinner date - it was just a way of saying thank you for carpooling"
42."I never lied about being married - she never asked me, so I just didn't bring it up"
43. Grocery shopping and other excuses to get out "alone."
44.The one difference is that my Wife wants our kids to like the other person because in the back of her head she thinks she will be with him. Very sickening. !!!!!!!!!!!
45. Carries toothpaste, toothbrush, mouthwash at all times.
46. When other person is co-worker, can't wait to get to work each day .
47. Becomes great friends with people going through divorce.
48. Defends other who are/have/will cheat(ed/ing).
49. Distances themselves from those with strong (any) moral values.
50. Gets "coded" pager messages at all times of the day and night

Hope this helps.
RIF90

We've talked about "cake-men" many times on this site, and I always make an effort to note that there are "cake-women" too. Ones that want their freedom and the security of their marriage. Ones that want their lover and their spouse. And as long as the spouse ALLOWS them to behave like this, they will.

So the decision is up to you - are you ready to leave her behind due to the fact that she hasn't changed, doesn't seem very interested in changing, doesn't treat you with respect etc. OR are you willing to be a constant doormat, walked on when her whims change, put up with this type of inconsistent behavior from her all for the sake of keeping her as your wife? Which one?

Personally, if you've already gone so far as to seperate, (plan B) I think you should stick with it. Plan B is about the WS changing their behavior, not about the BS changing theirs. Yours should have changed in Plan A, and if that wasn't good enough for her to want to change too, then cutting her off completely is the next step. If you keep supporting her financially, GUESS WHAT!! - She's going to keep you on a string. She's going to give you that one great date every so often, and then a couple of days later, hit you up for money. Why not? It's a perfect proposition for her if it works!!

JAmup-

Thank you. I have absolutely been a doormat. I am still afraid to upset her.

How can a person want to buy a $400,000 new home one day and be ready to "Move on with my life with you"--to "I need money and we need to make sure this legal seperation isn't money that we wasted"--What should I do? I don't want to come off as cold but the rejection does sting a little. Although the more she does this, the more comical it is. Her A is supposeadly over but she is acting like she is in a fog. Does the fog linger after the A? Completely irrational!

She said I was the one waffling. I want our marriage, I just want a true change of heart. What does really mean by "Husband you want a puppet."--That was said right after I said the following are dealbreakers

- EA's
- PA's
- Secret E-mail accounts
- Contacting former lovers prior to marriage
- Not meeting each others EN's

Am I our of line?

You were so right! Reading this *is* like reading about myself. Wow.

rlyhurtin, listen. When the WS acts like that it's called "the fog". See, it's their way of saying things to provoke you into being angry and lashing out. These things she says are so you get angry and then she can self-justify her infidelity as being because you're oppressing her 'like a puppet', etc.

Of course it's not true. But that's the fog. It stems mostly from guilt and low self-esteem. She can't look you in the eye, she fears you'll never forgive her and so on. Believe me, I know.

Plan-B is really the best way. But with kindness as you have said. Kindness with your Plan-B will negate the fog and protect you from that feeling of losing her over and over again, every time she acts as a cake-eater.

Again, you were right. This sure sounds familiar.

L

If you are serious about plan B then no contact is a must, except if there are children involved and communication regarding child care issues is a must (even there, an intermediary could do the job so you wouldn't have any contact with her at all).

Before there can be any marital recovery, there has to be an agreement between the two of you on a plan of action that will include total accountability of her actions and whereabouts every time she is away from you. If she is not enthusiastically willing to do this, then her committment towards marital recovery is highly questionable.

I hope this helped.

Too Much, Iron Mike, Jaump & Everyone that has posted. Thanks! Thank you all for your support!

I must say that I feel a little better everyday. Is Plan B really neccecsarry if the affair is supposedly over? Plan B to me is important in some respects like to protect yourself. But too me it shows a little weakness. Like you can't bear to be hurt again. Anyway off the topic.

I just don't understand why my WW feels like she can pop in and out of my life like she is still my wife. We are still legally married but she is far from being my wife. Does that make any sense? Everytime I show one ounce of confidence, one ounce of happiness and am "not there" she comes running.

Here is a really stupid question:

Is she really that good of an actress or I am I an idiot? She already has given you the "I love you , but not in love deal." But when she wants to play pretend reconcilliation she could really confuse me that she is not in love?

Guys, IF YOU WERE ME...WHAT WOULD YOU DO? Now she thinks she is calling the shots on our lives. Pretty presumptious isn't it? But here are the facts:

#1- I want to save marriage
#2- I do not want to be married to someone who basically wants her needs met, and if it is a pain the rear to meet mine, she just simply won't
#3- I want honesty
#4- I both of us to meet each others needs
#5- I don't want to deal with other roosters in the hen house.

Should I comepletey plan b? Folks this literally is a roll acoaster. AND SHE THINKS I AM CAUSING IT!

Why should I even give a S---!@# --She is the one who betrayed me and the marriage.

Sorry Folks just mad today!

hurtin,
I think everyone stated some great advice, I think coffee presented the answer to your last post, don't you?

Rollercoater rides are great if you are at an amusement park, but this is your mental, emotional and physical wellbeing here... Do what is BEST for you and let it be on your terms not hers. Words that people say can be so shallow when they are not meant for the best interest to anybody but themselves. Best thoughts for you hurtin.

Neesha-

Thank you!~ And thanks to all that have posted! Man I really don't want to feel like a YO-Yo anymore.

This sucks, it would be nice to show the pride I know I have.

Maybe it is because she shows so many positive signs, but why should I pay attention to her signs when she isn't being truthful?

Maybe I need to distinguish how bad I want to have a normal family for my 3 daughters from wanting the "new her"

I just don't know, I am simply broken