My wife has had an affair which I just found out about. My 25-year old daughter asked my wife about it and was told the lover was just her friend. My wife, who is so far working with me, has asked that I tell my daughter the same thing if she asks me.

What should I do?

I realized when I read my post that I forgot to mention that my daughter initially quizzed my wife who refused to answer her and told her mother she "knew" she had had an affair. In another conversation, my wife stated he was just a friend.

One of the many consequences of affairs is the discovery by other family members. That is part and parcel of an affair. Your W will just have to face the consequences and I don't think you should help her avoid them. [that is called ENABLING]

You can lie to your daughter now but she will find out eventually and then she will disrespect you BOTH and resent your lies. Better to just tell her the truth now. There have been enough lies in your family already.

She has a right to know this and could also be a kind of support to you.

You can lie to your daughter now but she will find out eventually and then she will disrespect you BOTH and resent your lies. Better to just tell her the truth now. There have been enough lies in your family already

With the case of a grown child, I agree. I would not lie to her. But how would you handle it with children who are still young? Fortunately, our children have not asked about it, and I don't know if I should tell them when/if they do.
Michael

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ed52:
<strong> My wife, who is so far working with me, has asked that I tell my daughter the same thing if she asks me.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">What does "working with me" mean? She admitted the affair and has instituted no contact? Written a no contact letter?

IF - and that's a BIG if - she is really working on restoring your marriage and you're sure the affair is over then I'd say to NOT broadcast old news to your daughter unless she asks you directly. This is your "working" wife's responsibility and it'll be a test to determine if she's sincere. If your D does ask, tell the truth, but qualify it with the current status (if true) - she's remorseful and we're working to restore the marriage. Also recommend to your wife that she come clean with your D. As I already suggested, if your wife is REALLY "working with you", then she should have the courage to come clean with your D - because she betrayed her as well as you.

My suspicion is that your wife likely is not fully "working". In this case, if she is waffling, etc. tell, tell, tell as Melody describes.

The truth will set you free.

I have had the same question posed to me by other family members. My response to everyone so far has been to ask W. Not sure if it's right or not, but it takes the pressure off me of being the bad guy, and forces her to deal with the questions people are asking.

Our kids are still young (10 and 7). I'm sure they know something is wrong, as they have both been more cuddly and clingy lately. But we have not said anything to them yet.

Ed - let me also suggest you tell your D about this site with the recommendation that she can learn a lot about relationships - including the dynamics of infidelity. She would see after a little reading that her mother's denials are very typical and the "just friends" explanation is a virtually guaranteed response.

You may find some value in the link in my sig line in my first reply. Within it are other links to some threads that may help entitled "On involving/informing WS's family" and "On Revealing the affair to the light of day."

WAT

<small>[ January 16, 2003, 03:59 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

My kids are 12,13 and 14

Unfortunately I had to tell my girls (12 and 13 year olds) because on d-day when my H and I were arguing, I was crying and we walked past our son, he asked his dad "whats wrong with mom, is she ok?" My H blew up. Literally. He told my 14yo in the most crude way why I was crying. Well, imagine what a 14yo boy will say when his sisters ask where's daddy? I sat them all down the next day and we talked. openly (with as few details as I could get away with) and honestly.

If it were up to me I'd not have told them at all. We are in recovery and doing GREAT...BUT...the kids have real issues with abandonment and trust (as I'm sure you all can imagine) and also respect. I am still trying to get them into C for this mess. I have yet to find one that will see all 3 kids...ugh! they all tell me either they only have "space" for one or they are taking no new patients or they hear the ages and say "oh...adolescents...we don't deal with them" But we keep looking...and talking...and praying.

Telling the kids is the HARDEST part IMHO of an A.
No matter how delicate you are, they lose something in the knowledge. They lose respect for the wayward parent...and more importantly and sadly they lose innocence, in believing in happily ever after. They have no concept of a parent making that kind of mistake.

The hardest question I had to answer was from my 12 yo D, "Mommy, who could Daddy ever love more than you?" How do you answer that?

Whatever happens, DO NOT LIE to your daughter.

Tell your wife she needs to fess up to her 'cause if she asks you, you're gonna tell the truth.