I remember reading about this long ago and wondered if anyone remembered the thread. Latest hurdle…and I’m nervous…H has to go on business trip – I can go too. Trip is same as last business trip where OW flew to meet H. Supposedly that was the last time they were physically together. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

I want this to be a good trip for us and one idea I had to keep me from being “weird” was to look at it as a way for “us” to replace “their” memories. Make sense? H & I had been there a couple of times prior to OW going there so it was ours at one point. I don’t know what to do to keep from obsessing. I want to relax and enjoy H not worry about comparisons. H knows I am scared and was reassuring. That was good for me because our recovery is slow. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Anyone dealt with this? Any hints, suggestions, mantras? Thoughts about how you might handle this situation if you were in it? From a WS point of view…what can I do to put H at ease? As always…any advise is greatly appreciated. I just don't want to screw this up.

Twinkles...

I have not dealt with this but may have to if my WW and I ever make it to recovery. She met OM at several places away on trips.

At first I really, like you, obsessed about this. I mean to the point that I would think I will never go there again..but then I thought that's pretty silly. Why should I let what happened keep me from somewhere that I like or would want to visit...

It's a little like them taking something else away from me.

So I like the way you have looked at it as reclaiming something that was yours.

I think if you can explain this to your husband he can probably help you thru it and as you mentioned he is already reassuring so that's good.

I would be interested in how this turns out, but I think as long as you stay focused on you and your H and don't try to let the other stuff get to you, you will be fine...this is just another step in the process.

Take a deep breath, relax and enjoy the time with your H. Look at this as another opportunity to keep your recovery on track.

Good luck

E

Twinkles:
I haven't had any experience with this but I think I can give advice on what I would do if I were in your sitch.

I would plan on doing something YOU like to do while H is in his meetings during the day. Maybe something H doesn't like to do that you do or might like such as visit a museum, sightsee, shop.

If you shop, I would buy something to wear during the week that you splurge on. Be nice to yourself. New underwear, nightgown, blouse.

Then, I would find a great restaurant and make reservations for you and H for a royal night out on the town. Go see a movie or go dancing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Or just stay in and get room service! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> I would also take advantage of what the hotel has to offer. Hot tub, exercise room. Fill your days up so you won't think about A.

Make this town YOURS and H. Fill it with great memories. Knock his socks off and yours too.

Have fun. Think of it as a vacation with H and not as going to a place where they were together.

Good luck and HAVE FUN!!!DB

My H & I tried some reclaiming in both our failed reconciliations and then early recovery. There's a big 10 day local event that H went to with the OW 2 years running. One year he took her one night, me the next. I KNEW that. And that was certainly too soon to try.

The next year, in recovery we went again. I think that was one of the last real rages I've been in. Rage not advisable of course as huge LB!

The next year we avoided it as much as possible. This past year we went on vacation through part of it.

I know others have found the reclaiming to be powerful in re-bonding. I just don't like the reminders that the H & OW were ever together.

You'll probably quickly form your opinion as to which side your emotions fall on.

My best advice from my perspective is to live this trip in the present. Let the past go. Don't let thoughts of the A haunt you, enjoy your time as if the other never happened.

And, my H hates it when I do anything that brings up reminders of the A. It makes him feel that not only did he fail me, if I can't heal/forget...he feels he is still failing me. So, I think it's important to know how your H feels about reclaiming, if it is a reminder of failure or something that will cement your recovery.

Thank you Elad for your response. It is funny that we MBers are all so similar yet so different! After DDay I remember saying...great I can never go there again! Time helps its true. I knew this day would come.

I just found this out so I am still sorting thru my feelings. One good thing I have learned over the last 1.5 yrs is think before I say a word! I think it is not my triggers I fear but his. Will he be remembering OW and how great blah, blah blah. Gosh I need to think with my head not my heart...I will make the best of it!

DB - I like the way you think! I will certainly try one if not more of your suggestions!

So - pamper me a little and stay focused on the present, my H and us! What do you think of me asking H about his triggers?

I know my H wouldn't want to talk about it but if yours does, then go for it.

If you know his triggers then you will be better able to understand his moods. Otherwise, every time he's staring off in space you're going to think he's thinking of OW, when he might be thinking of you!

If it is definitely over with OW, though, I would try hard to let it go. EASIER SAID THAN DONE!!!!

Just have FUN!
DB

Lor -
Okay...before you LB'd - now you would...what? During Plan A if I started to LB I would think that is what OW wants you to do twink - so stop. I told myself I am a good person and am trying my best and doing what is right and that is all I can do. Then I would say a little prayer. So I guess I am looking for that same sort of little self lecture. Do you know what I mean?

"My best advice from my perspective is to live this trip in the present. Let the past go. Don't let thoughts of the A haunt you, enjoy your time as if the other never happened. "

Yes...this is what I want to do! Well, what I have to do. H has to go and I think the lesser of 2 evils for me is to go there. I would go crazy if I had to stay home. In fact, I don't think I could stay home alone. Hmmm that's interesting...everyday I learn more about me.

I can do this! I will have fun!

What I have discovered lately, is that when my H and spend time together, cuddling at night, or weekends wholly spent together, I am much better off mentally.

When we aren't together, for whatever innocent reason, that is when doubts, and thoughts start setting in.

So, in the long run, you will be better off spending this week with H just because you will BE TOGETHER.

What about putting a little note or something in his briefcase one day to make him think about YOU during the day?
DB

P.S. I hope you're going somewhere warm with sand! That's my dream right now in the middle of winter with 5 above temps!

I have gone back to a vacation spot that was "yours" and he then took OW. I went 5 mon. after H came home and we were not on road to recovery . It was hard to think about it at first and I almost gave myself a heartattack days leading up to it , but one night I pulled out all the pistures of "our" time there and relized I have the upper hand It was mine first and we made the memmories there long before she came along .

If anything he probbly though of me when he was there with her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . And after that I figured if I get nerves or think I might LB I started pionting things out on the way like : oh rember that place , and that resterant was great ect. So all that there was ,was us and that this willl always be ours .U can't tell me that 1 time with someone else can make anyone forget memorries made with your wife .

HAVE A GREAT TIME !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS -If OW pops in your head just laugh and think that he could never replace u !!!!!!!!!!!!

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Lor -
Okay...before you LB'd - now you would...what? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Well, I can't avoid this annual event forever, and likely there will be concerts I will want to go to...but I really don't think that it would drag at my soul like it did the 2 times we went. For one thing--it's 3 & 4 years later! I know I can control my behavior, I handle my anger 100% better. Non- lbing & the MB 4 rules of successful marriage are sunk into my brain. I'm a kinder, gentler, more compassionate Lor and wife.

My intent would be like the track you are choosing--this is today, my H loves me, I love him and I will enjoy the time we have together because there is no reason not to.

DB - I too find when we are together I am much better mentally.

Thanks for the note suggestion, I do it sometimes with a chocolate kiss - just one. Oh my gosh I left notes, I used to leave a joke on his voice mail, msgs like thanks for last night...can't stop thinking about it or just called to say I love you. Short and sweet...I love you...you are wonderful...anything so H would hear my voice and know I loved him. Still do.

Yes - it will be warm and sunny - I hope! I have this picture of us at a little restaurant on the beach eating shrimp and drinking something...pretty <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

3is - You are right - How could H ever replace me? Couldn't and I think H knows that and that is why he is still here. And my head knows that too - but could somebody tell me self esteem please?!?!?!

ok - I will say it SELF ESTEM LOL -

Listen between all BS be honest that is a rough one , WE know we are good people no GREAT people and it is still hard to get that self estem thing going 100% and it probbley will be for some time .

Thats a hard one some times I have a hard time even saying those words maybe cause after everything we been through we loose track that it really wasn't "OUR" fault it was there choose . Don't know if that makes sense .

All I know is they fell in love with us for a reson sexy , funny , communication ect. all u have to do is be U cause thats what he LOVES U
and I guess there is your self estem .

Twinkles self esteem says thank you!