Hello I have not done anything like this before so it is kind of hard for me to sit down and write out my problems. I have been married for 14 years I have 2 children ages 9 and 13. I recently had an affair, it lasted on and off for about 6 to seven months. I currently am legally separated. During this 7 month period I played around and went back and forth from the female that I had an affair with to my wife. She actually agreed on 4 different occasions to take me back and work things out but I wouldn't stay for long before running back to the other woman. I realized about a month and a half ago how much I do love my wife and that I really did miss her. I chose not to say anything because I was afraid of hurting her again. I have recently started counseling and told my wife that I still loved her and I wanted to work things out. She told me that she didn't want that and since then she has been dating another guy and will not even consider "us" again. I am currently just trying to build a friendship with her but I keep blowing it. I start to lose all of my dignity and start crying like a little boy. I do not know what to do anymore, I am in counseling and trying to show her that I am changing and that I do love her more than she will ever know. I have begged my wife and God for forgivness. My wife has started to lie to me about the relationship with the guy she has been dating even when I was in my affair when she asked a question I was honest to let her know where she stood. I do not have that with her. I know that I am babbling on. I just need somebody to pray I know that a lot has been done I am asking God to restore my marriage and my family. I just don't know if there is any hope

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 04:51 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

Hey, thanks for the reply.I have been pushy with my true intentions of getting back with her I called last night and tried what you said I was nice and courteous to her but then asked to speak to my children. I kept things very brief with her. I know that she needs space, I am trying to learn how to give it to her. I have been reading 1st Corinthians 13 where it gives the frame work of what love is. It is hard to back off, I emailed her this morning because I knew she had a rough day yesterday and said that I hope she got some rest and that I was just thinking about her, I hope that wasn't too much. She told me the other night that she doesn't even know what love is she doesn't know what it looks like. She has always been a very strong Christian and this guy that she is dating is too. I think they have been intimate though, really I can't point a finger. I know that she is very vunerable. If the consequence of what I have done is to not be a family again I don't think I can handle that. I really want to do what is right and good, I am just trying to find out what that is right now

Its encouraging to for me to learn that a WS like you could eventually want to reconcile after a separation.

However, as a BS, I understand your wife's position. During this time of discovery of my husband's A, it has helped me to fantasize about a relationship with someone who really likes ME and wants ME. I have been more open lately to attention from other men. I have almost been tempted to take off my wedding rings in order to get even more attention, like at the gym. You see, we have to figure out ways to go on after our betrayal. We have to learn to feel good inside but also we have to be reminded of our attractiveness to the opposite sex since we have been so utterly rejected by our spouses.

Hang in there!

You've been given good sound advise and I would just like to add that you are going to have lots of patience. The damage that you inflicted upon your W and M is great, and rebuilding the M is going to take a lot of time and patience on your part because her trust in you has been shot. Hopefully she will realize that starting a relationship with another man (without first resolving some issues on her side) is not in her best interests. But in the mean time, don't push her or bring up any relationship talk (your M or the OM) unless she is the one that starts it. Don't force the issue and let her be the one that tells you she wants to give another shot at rebuilding the M. Only then can you have an opportunity to show her that you are a changed man.

Have you done a lot of reading here? There is wonderful information here. Do you know about the emotional needs questionnaire? Do you know about Plan A?

When you are ready and start Plan A, remember that it is not so much about winning back your wife. It is about becoming a better you. That is something you can use, whether it is inside or outside your marriage.

Thank guys for the encouragement I really needed it right now I have had a tough day. I do ask for your prayers. I wrote a letter tonight to my wife I don't think I will give it to her it was more for me because there are a lot of things that I want to say but I know that I would be crossing some major boundries with her and I don't feel she would be receptive to the letter. It is really crazy I feel like we have reversed roles in lot of ways as to where before I wanted to explore and see what else was "out there" now she is doing the same. I really do hope that I have not lost her forever. I would give or do anything to just hear her say I love you and know that she wasn't just talking about as friends. I do appreciate all of the advice. I told her tonight in the letter that I know she had prayed for God to bring me back and to restore our marriage and he has answered the part of me coming back and now He wants to continue in restoring our marriage. I just think that her patience wore out and I can't blame her I put her through a lot of junk. Please pray that God will speak to her and open her heart again to the possibility of our future together as husband and wife and that I will have patience

dbj,
Did you decide you wanted your wife back and that you loved her while you were still going between the OW and your wife; after or before you knew she was seeing someone and withdrew from you?
You never really said when it was you decided to want your marriage to work. I am not being negative just wanted to understand a little more. Your wife is at this time probably pretty numbed from the intense pain she has suffered by you playing ping-pong with her emotions and love as you swayed back and forth.

She will need time and you will need patience and understanding about all that may or may not transpire from this. Your wife is probably very angry and resentful of how she was humiliated time and time again. It will take so much forgiveness on her part but that can not happen until she starts to heal and let all the emotions surface that she stifled and ate while your "A" was bouncing her around. I wish you the best and I advise reading, reading, reading...and working on what it was that made you make your choices. You can not do anything about your wife's choices now. You can only deal with your growth and healing to try to have understanding at what it was you were looking for.

You've been given some really good advice...please take it, if you are really, deeply, committed to trying to save your marriage.

I was pleased to see that you have recently begun counseling. This is a very good first step, no matter what happens in your marriage. There are a lot of issues you need to resolve for YOURSELF before you can be a good partner to anyone.

I'm going to ask a few questions which I really want you to think about. It's something that no one else, I don't think, has brought up....they are not easy questions to answer...and while your first impulse may well be to answer..."NO, that has nothing to do with it!"...I want you to really take a very hard look at yourself and your motives, if you don't reflect and really understand where you are coming from...you'll just instantly say "no"...and it won't mean a thing....ok...here goes:

Do you think that this new found resolve to reclaim your marriage and your W has come about because she is moving on with her life and has found someone else who finds her attractive, sexy, loving, kind, faithful, and all those wonderful attributes that you forgot during your affair? Are there territoral issues, someone is now crossing over onto what is/was your "turf"?

Now, there is NOTHING wrong if you can't answer this with complete honesty right now. You've been in a very confusing mess for quite a long time, as has your W and the OW you involved. It's ok, not to know all the answers...but please...do discover what they are during counseling...And before you tear your W apart again.

Too often the WS "wakes ups" when the BS starts moving forward with their own lives without the WS. The WS sees something/someone who they have always just assumed would always be there...going, going, gone! They have their lives mapped out so that they can jump back and forth, giving each OP and spouse just enough to keep both "hooked"...and goodness knows, if one seems to be detaching...they start expanding whatever effort is needed to "rehook"...then once "hooked"...they want to go back to "chuming the waters" and climbing right back on that fence to enjoy the grass on both sides.

Now, I'm not saying that you are not serious about wanting your marriage back, or loving your W. But, you've got a LOT of work ahead of you to discover why you chose the options you chose in the past, what you can do for yourself, so that you can become a better person, a better marriage partner, and better man.

Good Luck!

To answer a few questions I knew that I wanted my wife back before she got involved with anyone else, I tried to convince myself that by trying to get her back that I was just being selfish and that she was better off without me. To be perfectly honest I cannot imagine my life without her as my wife. I cannot imagine not being curled up on the sofa with her watching a movie having the sound of our children playing in the background. I cannot imagine not waking up to her every morning. I have committed myself to rebuilding our marriage. I know this may sound crazy but I have decided even if she never decides to take me back I will not seek out another relationship, I will live alone. That does not mean that I won't move on with my life I have found out that being or not being with a person does not determine whether or not I am moving on with my life.

Hey I just wanted to write and say Ijust had lunch with my wife and children it was awesome. I didn't push at all and I let her lead the conversation. I really had an opportunity to share some things that I fell God has been doing in me and for the first time in a long time I noticed something in her eyes there was a softness thathad not been there for along time. I really hope for our marriage and our family. By the way what is this plan A plan B stuff I would really like some info on where I can find that stuff. Thanks

Ahhh, you haven't done a lot of reading on this site. Go to the home page. It will give you recommendations for starting to use the full website - there's much more here than just the discussion forums.

Have you read "His Needs, Her Needs"? It's the book that all this stems from.