HELP!!!

This is a 3rd topic I have posted, but I need some support. Basically my wife confessed to an affair last month, since then we started therapy and it seems like she is committed to working things out as is me, all is going well so far. However, I forced her to quit her job, give up her cell phone, because she had an affair with her manager at office supply store, I'll leave you to guess which company. Anyhow, now that she is home alone, I get an uneasy feeling about leaving her alone all day, even though she tells me where she has been all day. I want to believe her, but I get uneasy feelings about it. Espcially, since one of the place she is going to return clothes is a store in the same town that the OM lives in. I hate to not trust her, but I want to talk to her about these feelings but I don't kow how to approach this and suggestions. It is hard being at work and calling my house 1/2 dozen times all day long

Hi Frankdd,

One month from D-day... I don't think that you SHOULD trust your W this early on unless she has shown some positive, trustworthy ACTIONS...

You mentioned that you "forced" her to quit her job and give up her cell phone... please realize that you CAN'T force her to act in a trustworthy manner... She has to make that decision herself and then it's up to HER to SHOW you by her ACTIONS.

IMHO, you should discuss your feelings with your W and tell her that right now, you DO NOT trust her. You should BOTH look for some ACTIONS that she can do that will help you regain some trust with her. Communicate with her and try to work on this together...

If you continue to "force" her to do things, you may just push her back to the OM...

Get a copy of the book Torn Asunder by Dave Carder and see if your W would be willing to read through it with you.

Semper Fi,
RIF90

Faith 90,

Thanks for reading this, I understand you can't force people to do things. For me I believe that trust needs to be earned and never freely given. I believe this in any type of relationship you have with people in life. Obviously, my wife will have to do the same now. When you meet someone you don't have a reason to distrust them, but once an affair happpens, the relationship is broken down below when you first met that person.

frank,

You are right to withhold your trust. You would be crazy to trust an untrustworthy person. I would talk to her about your feelings and ask her what she could do to help you regain trust? Perhaps there are different ways she could be more open to help you get over these feelings. It will take a long time of exemplary behavior to ever trust her again so she will have to work hard to regain it.

Hi there. It's been awhile since I've posted, but I thought I could be of some help. Hopefully this will be reassuring in that I am a WW - my DH and I are 1 1/2 yrs. into recovery.

1st - Know that you didn't really "force" her to do those things. You strongly requested them (ok, maybe you demanded), but the fact that she agreed says something.

It seems she is willing to work with you and that is a definate plus to keep in mind.

Now, here it is, YOU HAVE NO REASON TO TRUST right now. I can guarantee that she wants you to, and wishes for you to, but deep down she knows you simply can't - not yet at least.

You need to sit down and talk to her. Express your fears and how you want to trust her but that you need her to understand that will take time and that you need her to be patient and understanding. Now, here is the key, do tell her you *believe* in her. It helps a lot, and I'm talking from personal experience. I told my DH one day that I know he doesn't trust me, that I understand he can't right now, but that if he could just *believe* in me just a little. He told me while giving me a gentle kiss and hug that he does believe in me.

You've only been at the recovery thing for a short time. It does get better. You will have ups and downs, but remember that as you need reassurance things are going well, etc., so does she.

I hope this helps. Take care. My best to you!

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 04:49 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>