My WW who left me two months ago My Story sad but true Doesn't want me to tell her that I love her any more

This is what she said three days ago

PB says:
I love you I miss you and I will be praying

PBWW says:
Can you please stop saying that. It bothers me. I know and don't need to be reminded all the time

I said it again tonight

PB says:
Anyway I love you and i will talk to you later.

PBWW says:
Stop saying that already. I don't like it

Should I stop? Am I LBing. I had other conversations with her without using the phrase during those three days. But I felt the need to say it.

Polar Boy

<small>[ July 08, 2003, 01:40 PM: Message edited by: Polar Boy ]</small>

PB,
I'm no expert, still very new at this. But, I posted the same question a while back. I followed advise and it has helped. My wife also said she hated me saying I Love Her. It was an obvious cause for tension between us. Once I stopped saying it, she relaxed a little.

Granted our situations are very different, my wife is still here (not by choice but because she can't afford to move out). I still slip every once in a while, can't help it. But now when I do instead of getting daggers I get a little twinkle. Maybe I'm just being optimistic, but whatever works.

You saying it is only causing more frustration and distance, she told you that she already knows you love her. But see, in her state of "mind" you are saying it on deaf ears until she wakes up. I would back off and not tell her because you are doing something against her wishes. I think if you stop, you might just see a difference.

Thanks for the advice sorry I didn't get back sooner but i only have access at work.

I spoke to her Sunday (She called looking for a video tape) and did not use the phrase. It felt odd but she was in a hurry to get off the phone because he was there watch the game with her. (i could hear in the background).

(An aside) It was funny. I was reading a book about how we get ourselves into trouble by not repenting of sins and a lie I told when I saw her on wednesday leaped into my mind. As soon as I finished the chapter she called. I spoke to her and didnt mention it. As soon as i hung up I saw the book on the counter and it dawned on me. I called her back right away and apologized for the lie. I can't help but think this was the hand of God

Thanks again for the replies

i said it to my WW the other day and i think she kinda liked it. she had been acting, or using as an excuse for her actions, that she didn't think i loved her anymore. when i said it, i know she believed it and it moved her, i think?

who knows?

Thanks for the reply. I knew it was a tough one. I am going to talk to my pastor about it this afternoon.

I saw her at lunch, she was in making a hair apointment to get her hair dyed again (even though she did it herself less than a week ago and it looks great). It was pleasant we talked about our volleyball game tonight ,which she cant make, and then i left to come back to work. Overall plesant she even smilled when talking to me (I did not say I love you)

PB

An update,

This morning it is really cold here. My wife called me at work to say that her car didn't start and that she had to take the bus to work and she asked me to help her at lunch get a longer extension cord (for the block heater) and lunch. She sounded cold so I left work drove across town picked up a peppermint tea and blueberry bagel for her and brought them to her work. She was surprised and I even got a thank you hug. It felt good even if it doesn't mean anything.

On the downside she said that she is still mad at me for lieing to her the other day because i had never done that before. But she said we will talk about it at lunch.

PB

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 12:10 PM: Message edited by: Polar Boy ]</small>

Another Update

So things are progressing in the world of Polar Boy & WW in a not so good direction. Although we talk regularly and see each other from time to time (we still play volleyball on the same team) there is absolutely no hint of any reconciliation of any kind on her part. She has compartmentalized me to the role of friend (and no more) she says there are no romantic feelings left and that there is no hope at all. In fact she has made an appointment at the bank on Friday (valentine’s day) for us to meet and separate our RRSPs and take her name off the joint chequing account. Yep as of Feb 14th we will be legally separated.

On a positive note she went to visit her folks for a week and I got to cat sit our cat. It was wonderful and now WW is talking about letting me keep it permanently. However we will see how it goes when I go to plan B which I am seriously considering.

Also God continues to work on my heart and attitude. This has been a tough few months but the closeness I feel to God at this point is remarkable. He has really made changes in me however at this point the changes are not attractive to WW as she is running from God as hard as she can.

Some thoughts

(Warning this is full of God stuff)

Well this isn't what I had planned but God has used it in a big way in my life. In the pain of this situation I have turned to him and he has truly touched me. I am just praying that she will come to the realisation of her position and that she will turn to God. It is really neat how God has used this, my attitudes have changed, my desires have changed, he has awakened a hunger and a thirst for him and the things of him that was not there before.

This has been a very hard time and I don't want to come across like I have everything under control 'cause I don't. Last night WW called me to ask me to sign Divorce papers (I refused) afterward I went to choir practice at the church and lasted about 5 min until I had to leave and go into a small room and pray & cry. I still find myself thinking about this situation constantly and although I truly have forgiven her I still sometimes have thoughts of anger & frustration.

But God is truly good to me. I am at a crossroads in my life and I am excited about what God has for me next. I am considering the idea of short term missions along with the possibility that I may be called into full-time ministry as well. It truly is an amazing time. But it is also hard too.

Please keep WW & I in your prayers. I do believe that God will work and that she will come to Christ.

Also keep my city in your prayers too. God is getting his people ready here and I believe that we are about experience an outpouring of his spirit. Also as of March 1st there will be a Christian radio station on the air here (I am doing some programming/ DJ work) and I believe that this has the potential to touch many too. It is my prayer that a revival comes to North America & I believe that the fire is spreading throughout the country and that it is about explode

PB

<small>[ February 27, 2003, 02:57 PM: Message edited by: Polar Boy ]</small>

Hi Polar Boy,

Warning: More God Stuff

I am new to this board and have been reading 1K or more posts. The only thing (well almost only thing) that keeps me sane in this mess is knowing that God is in control. That sounds cliche, but I live by it.

It was when I stopped praying for my M and started praying for WH's relationship with God that I began to have peace about the situation.

H is not remorseful, won't leave, won't work on M, I'm just going to hang in there. Plan A I guess. He has NC w/ow or so he says.

I pray this for him everyday: If he is guilty of betraying me again let him get caught quickly and by someone besides me. (I've kept this a secret for years.) Move him to a right relationship w/God no matter what it takes. Let him be honest w/himself, honest w/God, and honest w/me.


I have found, "When you come to the place that He's all you have, you find He's all you need."

I haven't had the courage to tell H lately, "I love you." I'll get back to that on this recovery road I'm sure.

The mission thing sounds exciting. Go for it!

In my prayers,
landslide

me BS(43)/ WH (48)
married 23 yrs.
S 18 /D 10
dday 1 12/94
dday 2 3/02
recovering? alone

An Update

Well the bank thing was hard. I got through it okay though. She was wearing a diamond pendant he gave her for her birthday. I noticed it because she was playing with it while we were sitting in the bank office. I had to sign a form saying that the reason I was selling half my RRSPs was because of marital breakdown, which was really hard.

After that I was really burnt out so I decided that last week would be a “week off”. I didn’t go to volleyball (we play on the same team) and didn’t contact her at all. Not that I usually contact her she is the one who calls me. Anyway on Friday my wife called to “see how I was doing”. During the course of the call she mentioned that she and the other man had a big fight the night before (so much so that she went to bed with a migraine). We talked for a while it was pleasant and we agreed to do our taxes together after she gets her forms from work.

She called again yesterday to let me know that volleyball had been cancelled and we talked for half an hour. She told me that she is stilled “ticked” at the other man but that she was thinking of heading out to see him in his town. Either that or she was going to go see some strippers with people from work.

She is so different then what she was before, or what I saw. This is hard because when she tells me things like this is breaks down at my desire to be with her. I still love her but I am beginning to not be attracted to her.

God help me

PB

PS she is still telling people that we are mutually separating for a while and that we are both okay with it. This is hard but I am going to let God be my defense and try not to correct her and defend myself in front of others.

PB,
As you know if you have read here very much, the A almost always ends. If the BS has been loving and kind the WS will often come back. There is a good chance that it will play out this way for you - and that if you still want her you may be able to save your M.

Only you can say if you will want her back. Think of her as an addict. She has an addiction and she needs a cure. The cure for this one most often is time. She will need help after it is over - you have to decide if you will still be able to help her. It sounds like to me that plan A will still do a great deal of good. Do you have a few months of plan A left in you?

How are you doing emotinally? If I remember, you have children. How are they?

SS

Thanks SS,

It is nice to know that someone is reading my posts. Actually I have no kids which is a blessing.

I am going to try plan A for a while yet. It has only been 4 months but I also know plan A won't last forever.

The thing is I am putting this in God's hands. If he can change me the way he has in the last few months then he can change her. I am praying daily for her and my only hope is in him

PB

I think one of the reasons you don't get a lot of posts is that you appear to be doing well. You sound confident and aware of your options.

Prayer has always worked for me. It seems to me that their really is someone on the other end. Amazing things can happen.

I hope this works out for you.

I think for every poster, there are about 20 lurkers. Your positive attitide gives strength to others, even if no one was to give you a reply.

SS

So I had lunch yesterday with my wife. It was incredible! We had an awesome talk. In fact it was the best time we have spent together in 5 months.

A little background. I had asked her to lunch last week. While I was at church (9:30) she called my house to leave a message that she wasn’t going to meet me because she wasn’t feeling well. (She was crying during the call). Then she left a message at 1:00 to say that she was coming (we were meeting at 1:30). Well she showed up at the restaurant and looked awesome as we waited to be seated I aksed her what was wrong this morning because she sounded so upset. She said she would tell me later. Anyway I let it go and as we were talking about her weekend she said that “this morning I broke up with OM”. She said that things had been stressful between them for a while.

That said she also said she wasn’t ready to talk about us and that she had a whole bunch of plans made and that she didn’t want anyone messing them up. She wants to enjoy being “single” and so on. I told her that I still love her and that I am still interested in another chance. She said “I know”

Anyway we had a great talk & we made plans to watch the Oscars together and maybe play some pool sometime. She also said she would call me.

Overall it feels good to know that God does indeed answer prayer and that although this is just a small thing I believe that he is working in her (& me)

PB

Hi PB,
It's probably time to talk to us about her needs. ( because if you can explain things to us, you can do a better job of understanding her and meeting her needs.)

I Can't remember that you ever discussed what led her to leave in the first place. ( Some people have un-met needs, some just have charcter flaws.) Do you have an understanding of why she may have fallen out of love with you, and taken up with him? Have you identified what you could do better and are you working on those things?

If you are working on things, have you communicated this to her in a way she can understand it, or are you planning to do so?

I know you are just probably just journeling, but I thought I would throw this in. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

SS

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 04:20 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

I will answer the needs question later, however I talked to her this afternoon and she appearantly kind of worked things out with OM last night. They are "taking a break" but are still talking which they appearantly weren't before.

I still think this is a good sign because it means there are flaws in the relationship. God is working.

PB

<small>[ March 17, 2003, 05:35 PM: Message edited by: Polar Boy ]</small>

Her needs and my thoughts (in no order):

Conversation:

This is a biggie. When we first dated we spent hours on the phone every night. As the last year progressed we became less able to do that. My company had a strike last summer and we were apart for 9 weeks during which we talked for like 20 minutes a night. Also she works for a very political group. My politics do not match those of the people she works with. This lead to conflicts where I could not discuss her work with her.

This was something that he could do easily as he works in the same system.

Admiration

Again because we could not really talk about her work I could never really express to her how I felt about the great job that she does do at her job.

He told her that she did such a good job that he wanted her to train the person that did her job at his band

Money

I controlled the money as we were trying to aggressively pay off our loans. We never decided not to buy anything because of funds and we did go on trips (or at least planned them). It was just that we often spent money on things I thought worthwhile (CDs, DVDs stereo stuff etc..) but not as often on what she wanted.

He has fixed this by spending over $7000 on her in the last 5 months. She now gets what ever she wants. (she refers to him as her “piggy bank”)

Spiritual

When we met we both compromised our spiritual side. She knew that I needed a person who had faith in God and was a believer so she portrayed to have more faith than she did. I accepted what she portrayed and lived at that level too. This didn’t work because she wasn’t happy faking it and neither was I.

This is an interesting area as he has no belief in God and now she claims she doesn’t either (but it feels like fog speak justification). I on the other hand have turned back to my faith and will never compromise it again. In fact she has made comments to friends (seeming almost proud) about what I have become in that area

My bad habits / LB

The big one is that I crack my joints which she finds incredibly irritating. However I have done this for years before I met her and if i dont do it they physically hurt.

Anyway I am going to take another look through HNHN tonight and I may adjust this in the morning

PB

Well I had lunch with her yesterday and she is back in the fog. She told me that she isn't as attached to him as she is attached to the things he can do for her. She said she likes going into a store and getting anything she wants. getting free trips/meals etc.. she also likes climbing the social circle she is in.

I told her that that was not me and nevcer would be. That I derive my value in life from what I can do for others not how much stuff I have. OM & I are so different that the choice for her should be clear. Unfortunately she is in a selfish mode right now and is only interested in the material stuff.

PB

<small>[ March 19, 2003, 06:39 PM: Message edited by: Polar Boy ]</small>

Any ideas?