Can any WSs out there share the barriers that prevented them returning to their BS and work on the M?
Or if you did return to your BS what bridges did they build that encouraged you to do so?
NS

You asked, so here it comes. I am a FWS (see my sig line for more details). There are many barriers, most imposed by my H, the BS. Some barriers are definitely my fault.

1. He decided from D-day that he wanted to be legally separated, and wanted us to live on separate floors of the house. I had no choice here.
2. After a blowout early on in our separation, he moved in with a female friend of his, an EA as far as I'm concerned. He lived with her for 2 weeks.
3. My H told his family everything (after they accused him of having an affair - why else would we be separated they thought). Now he feels like he looks like a failure as a H, who couldn't meet my needs. He also says that if he takes me back, he'll look like a fool to them.
4. They (his parents) encouraged him to leave me. Said the bible provides for divorce in the event of infidelity. Apparently they didn't bother to realized that God hates divorce.
5. I took a vacation in the 2nd month of separation without my H, since when I asked him if he'd like to try going away with me he said no.
6. My H asked me to move out and I agreed to do so. Living apart is a MAJOR roadblock to recovery. I perhaps never should have moved out. But, I couldn't handle the way I was being treated at the time. (My H wanted to have sex with me, but have total privacy in every other aspect of his life. He spent his days with his 2 female friends, and wouldn't tell me where he was going or when he'd be home. In the house he'd avoid me completely unless he was horny.)
7. We have a legal separation agreement, I took everything that was rightfully mine. We are separated financially. The only thing that still ties us together is we both still own the house. The sep agreement states that he owes me half the equity if/when the divorce is finalized.
8. My H wanted us to have a 3 month no contact period. This was an obvious barrier to recovery. I respected his wishes, since I'm the FWS and he probably deserved to be in control.
9. Now my H will only see me for a few hours at a time, in complete secrecy, in my apt. or at the house. These visits are partly conversation, and partly sexual in nature. I do not apparently deserve any more at this time. He says this is all he can handle, and hey it's better than no contact at all.
10. I am not allowed to contact my H. He says it's a rule that only he is allowed to contact me.
11. His family has no clue that we've talked at all since August. If they did know, maybe they'd be encouraging him to treat me better, even if their original stance was to tell him to leave me. His brothers would probably tell him to try to work on things at least.
12. My H is still very angry. He hasn't and it would seem can't forgive me.
13. My H has really isolated himself. He spends his social time only with his two female friends (EAs as far as I'm concerned) and his brothers, not with any of our mutual friends. They would be encouraging him to try to work on things.
14. My H is unwilling to go for counselling. He says I'm the one who had the affair, why should he have to go for counselling?
15. My H is emotionally abusive. He puts me down regularly. He believes that I must do a lot of changing and improving but that he is perfect and treated me so well, he doesn't have to change at all (he hasn't said this since August, but hasn't said otherwise since either).
16. I've had 2 other PAs of sorts, but they weren't sexual in nature. My H keeps on repeating that it's happened 3x. If this was the only time, I think he would've forgiven me and taken me back.

What bridges did my BS build to encourage me to return to work on the marriage? He's been willing to have infrequent secret meetings with me. That's it. He still says he wants a divorce.

I think that's everything. Hope it helps to satisfy your curiousity.

Jen

Jen
Thank you for your reply. Curiosity wasn't the reason for the post. I would like to understand what a WS feels in Plan B, especialy relating to barriers and bridges to reconciliation. I was thinking that perhaps a lot of other BS would like this insight.
From my own experience as a BS most of the family and friends I have discussed my circumstances with have told me GOWYL (get on with your life). The very few that have supported my stance have gone up in my estimation.
I do hope that things turn out better for you. From your reply you seem far more like a BS than a FWS. It appears that your H is using your As as an excuse to control you. One of the barriers to reconciliation I foresaw was that my WS's A could be used to win any argument. I have told her that if I threw the A back in her face I would be putting myself ahead of our M and should expect it to be the end of our M. I do hope things go well for you and that your H learns the power of forgiveness.

NS

I am a BS, but we are probably going to a first counseling session this week, after 14 months of plan B. So I will attempt a list of barriers from both sides.

Barriers that my WW would mention:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not communicate during plan B, nor generally go along with her proposals in plan B.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I filed for divorce (but here I am guessing, because she never mentions that to me).</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I told the wife of one boyfriend a few months ago (he is the only one who is still married).</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I did not tell her (recently) that I'm in love with her. Instead I told her that I've learned enough to make a relationship work, with her or someone else.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Bridges my WW would mention:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She has noticed changes in me (said that during plan A, too).</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was the one to suggest "one last chance" before the divorce is final.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Barriers that I see:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No remorse or promise of NC, in fact she has "gone out" the past two nights.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Still revising history, still wants to focus only on my problems.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No respect for my family, and she made that clear a few days after my Mom died in October.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">A bridge from WW:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She suggested I could come to the house for Christmas dinner (we each had kids 1/2 the day).</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">It looks to me like a MLC that has burned out, although my WW does not see it that way. Obviously this does not necessarily mean we are starting recovery.

A barrier for both of us, is that everyone really knows what's going on. I told a few people who already knew. Even our kids had met some of these guys. Lots of people are telling me to "be careful", and her own friends come up with interesting theories on why I suggested to reconcile. I believe we would have to relocate out of state, and my wife even mentioned that last week.

Please, others contribute. I want to learn a lot more about this topic.

- Tom

Tom
Thank you for replying. I can relate to the communication thing. My Plan B has been very strict, but I am tentatively making contact with her to speak to 2Ss instead of contacting their cellphones. See my other post "Plan B and the radical 180 approach". This also ties in with your bridge of letting your W see the changes in you.

One thing I didn't think of when starting this thread is that BSs would have just as much knowledge on this subject as WSs. If a couple reconcile after Plan B comunication would be essential and I guess these things would be discussed.
NS

Just an update.
As I stated in Post#4, I started speaking to WS when phoning to speak to 2S. However in the meantime I experienced a severe crisis at work and have had to go on the sick until it is resolved.
WS now appears to be fog free?!? It led to her asking if she could meet up with me on neutral ground.
This we did and managed not to get into any heavy talk on our R and her A. Just exchanged news and discussed 2S and my work situation. I feel like packing my job in because I am not happy working where I was and WS knows this. She also told me that she hadn't made up her mind about spending her future w or w/o me.
Later I asked for a a second meeting and everything went as before but this time she suggested that I might like to return home. She made no commitment to NC with OM nor offered to work on our M, so I politely told her that it was too soon. We have spoke a lot on the phone and have been getting on well.
Last night I took 2S to a rock concert and she phoned my youngest S on his cellphone to say that as they would be home late, perhaps I would like to sleep in her(our) spare bedroom. I am sure she meant it as a goodwill gesture but would probably like me back w/o making any commitment to our M. This has been a severe trigger bringing back many bad A memories. When she was in the fog she would suggest that I lived in the spare bedroom and she would cook, wash and iron for me. This upsets me because it is probably the one EN that means next to nothing to me. Since starting Plan B, I have actually enjoyed doing these chores myself.
Reading the MB posts I can see that most WS follow a "script" and say and do virtually the same things. I have also noticed that many BS's also tend to break their Plan B too soon.
I can see what has upset me but don't feel safe enough to discuss it with WS as we are not in recovery. I was trying to change tack and use 180 principles but now don't know how to handle the situation. Triggers will be a feature in the future from the posts I have read.
What should I do?
A Go back to a stricter Plan B ie restrict any conversation to 2S and finance.
B Forget about it and discuss it only if NC with OM is achieved and a safe recovery environment is built.
or can any MBers suggest something please.

NS

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">To move forwards, sometimes you have to take a step back </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

I was a BS, WS and now a BS again. My H after he found out about my A tried to work things out with me, but then I messed up and spoke to the OM a few times after that. The OM lived in a different state. I was with him the end of July 2001 and a few days in August of 2001. Then spoke to him a few times after that on the phone. Then in June 2002 my H met a girl who he saw from June until as far as I know still saw when I spoke to the OM in December. My H then moved in with the OW after I spoke to him again. 1 1/2 weeks ago my H came back after he called and said things were getting bad at the OW's house. Now I don't know what he wants or want will come of this. I don't know if he is back for good or not. I think if I didn't speak to the OM after the A things would be better between my H and I. How I wish they were. I have no feelings for the OM and just spoke to him, but it should have been NC at all.