I am coping with my husband's affair. I found out about his infidelity with a friend of ours last autumn. I was very hurt and thought it had ended. According to him at the time, she wanted to have a baby and he was trying to help her. Of course, I refused and thought this was an insane idea recognizing the complexities involved. I however, realized that I had hoped to create this situation by not meeting his emotional needs including for a child. Also, by trusting him too much and beleiving he was incapable of having such as affair, including giving him the opportunity to develop a relationship with our friend.
Recently I found out that they had seen each other afterwards and his lover since gave birth to his child. It seems that the women was suppose to go abroad once she was pregnant, but did not. Although my husband doesn't agree I personally think she has been trying to come between my husband and myself and pull our marriage apart.
Naturally, this has all been very difficult and upsetting for me, particuarly this recent revelation. My husband though seems to have finally realized the error of his ways and that he made a mistake. He has been very open and honest this time. He truely seems not want to lose me and says he is committed to working on our marriage. Also, he has admitted to me the full nature of his affair and says he does not want to be with the other women. However, he does admit he there is an attachment to her and the child and he will miss them when they go.
According to Marriage Busters, he is suppose to cut off all contact with the women, but what of the child? He says will only be in contact with her regarding matters concerning the child and will keep me informed, which still means continued contact in our lives. He is convinced that she will go, but what if she does not? It is all very confusing. I want to know can I reasonably expect and ask from him in this situation? In particular, what kind and how much contact should he have? Also, what of my role? Should I insist on being there when he sees her and the child? My biggest fear is that she will not go and this nightmere will continue to haunt us and our marriage. We do not live in a culture where having the child be in our lives is an option. Also, I doubt the other women will agree, she is very possessive. It is a real mess!
Amal
