Correct me if I'am wrong (you know I'am a junior member and all), In all I read and see in my life, is it true that most if not all Affairs fail? And if this is true, why do most go for the short lived pleasures?. In all cases the affair is based on lies and adultry. How can any of these affairs go on for a long term relationship? Don't these people go to church? Just wondering folks, any comments?

Affairs fail because the same deceit that has been inflicted upon the BS and the M, turns on the affairees once their A becomes an open (for the world to see) relationship.

The pleasure that affairees derive from their A is nothing more than an escape from reality, much like drugs and alcohol are to drug addicts and alcoholics.

Going to church is no guarantee that the individual will not become involved in an A. If you have spent as much time as I have here, you will have met church going people that never thought they would fall into an A and yet they did.

The insidious thing about A's is that the majority of them start as inocent friendship with a member of the opposite sex that eventually crosses the line when a bond of intimacy is formed between the affairees, so anybody that is NOT knowledgeable about the dangers of developing intimacy with a person they are not married to CAN fall into an A.

Wokeup: And one other reason I believe they fall into it or continue is because they believe they are the acception to the rule. Or stastics! And most all A's are fantasy! Not reality based.
The stupid part is if they told their spouse what they need or feel is missing, most times they'd get it! But they go out and tell all to someone else, and usually toss in a few lies to make themselves look better!
Most A's fail. And of those who do divorce for the OP, and marry, only 5% do, they don't make it. One site of stastics I read said most that do marry each other, divorce within a year, and in states where divorce is quicker, less than 6 months! While in the A, they enter through the back door. Then when married, they have to face the same reality of all marriages and come home through the front door! Suddenly there is not just the fun and thrills! They're back in a relationship that requires paying the bills,problem solving, day to day responsibilities they didn't have in the A.And thus, the bloom is off the rose!
One thing that most fail to recognize is that as in all dating couples, the people are putting on a facade. Pretending to be things they really aren't to look good. Only after a long courtship or entering a permanent relationship do they start to let down their guard and show who they really are.
How many WS's are going to tell the OP their faults? Or what part they played in making the M unhappy? I ask my WH if he told the OW why I suffered depression that made him use it as an excuse for escape. He said no! He never told her she wasn't the first betrayal in our marriage. He didnt' tell her about his bad behavior, flirting all the time, abusive verbal traits or lack of caring when any of family was ill!
My WH simply played victim, and put on a poor me face. Acting like he had been the perfect spouse and was not getting his needs met. The truth is he was the one not meeting EN's at all! Just looking for greener grass that he found full of weeds also.
And the OW? When I let her H know about the A he was at a loss to figure out why she did it. He ask if my H told me why she did, would I tell him. Seems his WW had never bothered to tell him she felt lonely and no attention from him. But she sure cried on my H's shoulder.Also told my H that she and H had not had sex in years!
Do you suppose if she'd told her H how she felt, he might have done something to remedy the situation he wasn't aware of? Or how she felt? I think so because he appeared to be a man who was in the dark and is now trying.
One reason they don't talk to us is they can't lie to us about who they are. And they'd have to take responsibility for their own failures! It's just too easy to go to someone else and make themselves look like saints! Selfish, self centered EGO.
The whole time she and my H were in phone and email A, she pretended to be some hottie that could ring his chimes! When they finally met to have their physical A, turned out she couldn't do half what she'd implied! Probably one of the reasons her H quit trying to have sex with her is she hadn't taken care of herself to be physically capable of intercourse! Post menopausal and no meds for replacement.And had gained like over a 100 lbs since marrying her H. In her emails she told my H see how much she needed him in her life, mouth and ?????! The ????? was because she wasn't sure it would work when they did get together!
I will say one thing in his behalf. He never responded in emails with sexual innuendos or replied to hers. She put fantasies she wanted to do with him, he never commented back to her on them. And has sworn they didnt' fulfill her fantasies. But who knows. Liars are liars!
At any rate, he came home lamenting on what bad condition she is in. LOL Sorry, but I'm very happy she is in such bad condition because now he seems to appreciate what he has and want what he has!
It's all pretense Wokeup! The fairy tale syndrome! Sadly, they just don't realize they've got it all at home if they'd just sit down and be honest with S. And work on problems that way instead of the wrong way.
Couldn't we all just get a kick out of finding someone we feel is the ideal and hopping in the sack? Sure we could all find someone, but it's not the way I wish to conduct myself. And I'm too intelligent to believe that's the answer to the worlds problems. They just don't get it because they don't want to admit their faults to their S's. Truthfully, its' their problem, not ours though they try to blame us. They just fail to sit and discuss the feelings with the S.
The sexual thrill is eventually going to be the same as with S. The newness wears off and then if they don't work at keeping it in the relationship, they'll be looking for it somewhere else. That initial feeling just can't last after many years of knowing one another. But the sex is still good if they love each other. And can be better than ever once they determine to add some spice along the way! With each other that is!
LouLou

I am no expert but I would think that the WS did not go looking for an A. Yes, there are people out there that wait for an opportunity such as a bad patch in an M and take advantage. The Harleys describe this process on this site and in their books. A long term relationship is probably not what most WS look for. They probably wanted someone to talk to in the early days. Others were probably after romantic / sexual excitement that an A provides.
My WS was responsible for strengthening my faith so I can’t say that churchgoers don’t have A’s. Looking at statistics is depressing which ever way you look at it I get no comfort from knowing that the R founded on an A will fail, if as a male the chances of saving my M are also low.
NS

Lou, I feel better that I'am not alone in trying to figure out WS. But I can tell you from a mans view, sexy women are hard to resist. I had a personal experience not to long ago with 2 coworkers. These women are out for the thrill of the chase, and to score. Both of them married. I lost 20lbs and had two women in different departments, they are not friends, try to hookup with me.

If my wife made comments like i heard from these married women, I would flip, If their husbands knew they would be pissed. Believe me Its like looking at a hot coffee after coming in from the cold. But I could not do that to my wife and small kids. I believe most who fall for the temptress/tempter, are selfish people at heart. Don't they think of their poor kids? Todays world is hard enough with a good upbringing, not to mention the shame they live with.

Try not to spend too much time figuring out your husband. I stop myself when i start thinking about how my wife looks at certain things, and try to except her reasoning. To much trying to figure it out will drive you crazy. take care.

Ahh, the torment all of us BS go through. I still cannot answer why my W, more religious than I, would go ahead and move in with the OM and take our S along. Her logic? God knows our marriage is invalid, she never loved me and He placed OM in her path. The OM and her have a solid R (never mind that it has been via e-mail and phone calls the last 8 months) because they've had their crises and have been able to resolve them.

Now, if it's any consolation to you, these are the statistics I have found:

5-10% of WS end up marrying the OP.
70% of these second marriages end up in divorce within 3-5 yrs.

Now compare this to another statistic I found:

72% of married couples who decided to stay together instead of divorcing were in a much more satisfactory marriage, and therefore happier, 5 years later without doing anything to fix the marriage. Wow! This to me is impressive. What I told my W was that I was willing to do anything to make our M work, so what are the odds? Of course you cannot reason with a person in a fog who is only thinking with her emotions and not with her head.

The book Private Lies has an excellent section on why affair marriages don't usually last. It is a most interesting read.

Be well.

Wokeup, thank you for your honesty. Yes, trying to figure them out will no doubt drive us crazy before we get any answers. LOL
Also, would like to comment on your experience. First let me say I respect and commend you on your thinking.
Next, I understand men are visual and like to look and admire other women. but what if the OW is not some sexy looking gal? This is what I've tried to figure out with no results. My own WH admits she cannot compare to me in looks and figure. He always comments on my looks, figure and how he's glad I have never let myself go or gain a lot of weight.
So, what is the OW like? At least 100 lbs overweight! An attractive face, I grant her that, but he even said himself he thought she should have left the nightie on as when it came off there were rolls and rolls of fat. No offense to anyone here who is battling weight. I understand it isn't always about the weight, A person can be wonderful inside and have many attributes over women who are at normal weight.
But, according to his preferences, she was not the type I would have expected him to cheat with.
I have no idea how I would feel it she was some drop dead, gorgeous,sexy goddess!
But let's face it, when a S cheats, you start looking to see what they saw! Comparison is part of the pain and hurts, and a normal reaction to me. And I can't for the life of me figure that one out. Sorry, Wokeup, I guess I always will try to figure it out. LOL
I know it's my nature, my instincts, my personality to analyse everything to the nth degree. Even things that have no importance to anyone probably. It's just my nature!
I think what it comes down to is he contacted her because she was a part of his past, happy times when he was in High school. Part of the fog thing? He said fantasy.But he did fly to see her and then went a second time. So? Was he really able to fantasize about her as she was over 40 yrs ago? Could he have been that blind?
She made him happy for the time they were together. Because they shared old times, good memories, and no history between those years of problems. And yet, at middle of that last visit which was a week together, they both mutually agreed it was fantasy and they were going home to work out their marriages.
Her comment to me was they couldn't recapure their youth. I think he was still in a fog for a few weeks after, and even maybe hoping she'd change her mind. WE fought some terrible arguments. The last phone conversation she told him she did not love him and loved her H and was rebuilding her marriage. That he may want to do the same with me. So she was the one who made the NC clear. Not him. That still bothers me also. Even though I wrote her a farewell letter under his name. Showed it to him and he agreed with it.
But I guess I still think she would not believe it was him speaking! ARGGGGGGG
Our poor minds will implode if we don't get this under control. LOL
Ok, back to the attraction. I have known other couples with cheating in their relationships. And I can tell you most times, friends look at the OP and say "my gosh, what did they see in that one when they have such a handsome/beautiful spouse at home"?
I have rarely seen any of them with OP that could even come close to their spouses.
So it has to be an EN being met,Or they think it is, and they can fantasize their way around the looks. And character flaws as well.
All I ever get is she made him happy. But now he says didnt', wouldn't, or couldn't love her. Though he thought he did at the time. And would not be with her even if I left him.
Sorry this is so long all. But I'm still a venting girl. LOL
Just another day of pondering! God bless, LouLou

I think you just have to look at it, like the other person gets bored. I will never let anyone put me through the pain i went thru when i discovered my wife in an emotional affair again. I don't care who she is. I learned a very valuable lession about marriage. You can't take it for granted. These so called "old friends" have a way of working their way into peoples lives without them knowing it.

A smart spouse recognizes it and limits time together and is aware of the attraction. My W let her emotions run as this "-astard" was worming his way into my marriage. It wasn't until i informed my wife of what was happening that she started to get depressed because of my unhappiness.

These so called "old friends" are hard to avoid as time goes on. Especially when they have history in the early years with that person. It is said with much truth, How we are raised and the good feelings associated with it are with us for life. Thats why its impossible to have bad feelings associated with good times in your youth, and the other person.

Your H as well as my W go through "what if thinking" that puts them in a fog. I was told, "I alway thought i would marry him when i was 13" " I don't know what its like to have lived with him". and other fog quotes.

Even though this guy could not even come close to me in resourses and attractivenss (no swell head, my wife told me this), she still had feelings for him.

In the end it turned out he was meeting her emotional needs for old times and laughter. I was too busy earning a living. I have learned to take back those EN's and she has very little contact with him as of today. But i will forever keep up my guard, for who knows what tomorrow will bring. Hope this helps, we cannot eliminate their need for these old pals, but we can cut them off at the pass when it starts to get out of hand. Godbless.