H4F .... I am reading a book that is eye-popping for me!!! One of my patients emailed me a list of books about adoption that she has found helpful. (She's an adoptee) And this book was #1.

The book is titled The Primal Wound ... by Nancy Verrier.

I'm only on page 33 .... and I had to put the book down to think ......

Eventually, you might seriously consider reading this. It's not a joyful read .... very serious ... and very honest.

Pepper <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

<small>[ January 18, 2003, 11:34 AM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>

Hi Pepper! This post caught my eye---I hope you don't mind me dropping in. I am adopted and am curious about the book. Is it something that would be useful for me, or is it more for adoptive parents?

Thanks!!

Is that the book that Oaktown talked about?? I'll definatly check it out, thanks!

I changed the title of this thread to adoption triad .... because that's more precise .... anyone touched by adoption!

I don't know what Oaktown talked about. I missed that.

Hurting ..... YES .... this is a good book for YOU.

After awhile, I'll post the entire reading list she shared with me.

Pep <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I'm only on page 33 .... and I had to put the book down to think ......

pepperband...

yes, i understand what you mean when you say you had to stop and think...

i was adopted...

i was blow away when i read that book... i felt like nancy had opened up my soul and read it... there is very little (2-3%) in there that i can't relate to...

i know that i've been affected... i know that whatever it takes to heal me will be non verbal... why?...because i know that the infant in me does not understand words... it's all just raw emotion...

i know that i need to take a leap, but i can't seem to find the edge...

oaktown...

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 08:33 AM: Message edited by: oaktown ]</small>

pepperband...

are you still reading?...

i'm curious...what do you think?...

oaktown...

It's a very emotional book.

I have more to say ... but not enough time to do it justice right now.

Oaktown .... I'll revisit this topic this weekend .... Go Raiders! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

pepperband...

i'm look forward to what you have to say...

oakland is ready for the raiders win!!! silver and black rules!!!

oaktown...

OK Oaktown ... this is about weird thoughts I've had for a very long time.

~~~~~ play weird music here ~~~~~

Before we had kids.....

I used to work NICU (premie/intensive care nursery). I took care of babies so premature, they could fit in one hand. I used to work graveyard, 11PM to 7AM. Lots of babies are born between these hours. The nursery was usually quiet that shift. No visitors most of the time. The MDs went home unless we called them for an emergency or a new kid was brought in. So .... I became accustomed to gazing into the little faces of the prematurely born. I had time to quietly contemplate these creatures. This is what I saw.....

A strange wisdom ... a kind of knowing... it was non-verbal and quite profound. These little creature knew things .... as if they had been given the sight of heaven and beyond ... and being born too soon, they held onto their "sight" longer than babies born their due date.

I know others will think I'm strange or crazy for saying this ... but, the premature were closer to infinite wisdom than anyone else I had ever met. They are born wise and soulful .... and then, they grow out of it!

Primal Wound discusses "incubator babies" experiencing similar separation abandonment injuries on a neurochemical level ... same as adopted babies.

It gave me chills. I know this is right. I felt it 20 years ago when I began to 'know" premies ... I watched the babies lose some magic power as they matured.

It was amazing.

I wrote a story about this once. I titled it "The Touch Of A Cool Hand". My story was about one of my real-life experiences with a baby girl that bonded with me, and she died at 18 months old .... never having left the NICU.

Anyway, I haven't thought about Jennifer in a long time. She is one of the reasons we adopted. She helped me decide. I cry still, thinking about that moment.

I know I sound crazy .... but, I am sane.

Pepper

pepperband...

we underestimate babies... we try and keep secrets from our children... we did so especially in the 50’s when i was born... somehow kids know things...but they don’t understand what they know... no way to articulate...just some unsettling every present feeling...

i have always felt like an island... the rest of humanity is out there and i know it... likewise the rest of humanity knows that i exit also... i see you...you see me... unfortunately there is nothing that connects me to the rest of humanity...

it’s basic... primal... no past... no tether... motherless child...

my brother (different mothers) and i were both adopted... he is four years older than me... we were both adopted as infants... one of us at four months the other at six months... we grew up looking and acting like the all american nuclear family... and we were but somehow i have always felt like a motherless child...

although i have never looked there is something within me that is always searching and never fulfilled... who was it that sang that song with the line in it “sometimes i feel like a motherless child”?...

somehow i hate to admit that because i had a mom... she was a good mom... loved me as much as she could have loved her own child...

love is a funny thing for me... somehow it’s not a part of my life... i’ve been told my mother loved me... but she doesn’t exist... love went out of my life with her...

i don’t know if this will make sense to you but i don’t treat people as though they actually love me... if you tell me you love me something must be wrong... i assume that once you figure out that something is wrong with me then you’ll stop so it’s easier to not allow people to love me...

it’s not realistic to expect people to love you when you don’t love yourself...

infidelity for me is just a symptom... my issues have to do with adoption and how i look at like and love because of it... my husband tells me all the time that i’m wasting my time here at this site... that the affair is not the issue...

perhaps i should listen to him... although i’ve learned a lot about marriage here, this site is not running away... i wonder if i should put the energy that i put here into a site dealing with adoption issues... i can always stop by occasionally...

there’s always something to consider...

oaktown...

this reply has been difficult in a good way... i'll have to come back, reread and edit it later...

i would love to continue this with you... what is adoption like from your angle?... do your children accept love?...

although i’ve know that i was adopted since i was four, it is not something that we talked about a lot as i grew up... it would come up in passing, but never brought out and thoroughly aired... do you still have the story you wrote?... would you be willing to share it with me?...

remember...wage peace!!!

Sometimes I feel like a motherless child .... is a traditional song. Many artists have recorded it. It sings like a prayer.

I cannot bear to read the story I wrote. I cannot share it at this time. The child (Jennifer) put her hand on my face (her hand was cool) and looked me in the eyes, then she died (I had laid my head next to her).

My kids have the same birth mom. She was/is a heroin addict. ("is" if she's still alive, I don't know) Different fathers. One was adopted at 3 years of age, the other at 8 months.

My son that I worry about holds his "motherless child" card close to his chest. He is persistent in testing our limits. He wants to see how oppositional he can become before we "reject" him. A royal pain in the [censored]! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

My daughter is very warm, loving, seems secure in who she is .... and, outside of being 13 years old and menstruating.... a charming person overall.

...... I seem to have a penchant for taking in strays. Mr. Pepper does too.

Pep

<small>[ January 25, 2003, 05:47 PM: Message edited by: Pepperband ]</small>