My wife's in a 3 year affair. She moved out for about 6 weeks and said she was going to come back on Nov 1 after she took a week off to be with her family in Colorado. I agreed to have her move back in and all she'll say is "let's take things one day at a time". Now I find out that she took the OM on her trip to CO. That means she was sleeping with the OM in MY IN LAWS house, My family basically and that's like the worst final blow I can imagine. That week was also her 40th birthday so she spent a week with the OM in front of "our" family and she knew I was broken hearted missing her 40th birthday.<P>She says she came home to "make things right". I ask her if she wants our marriage and she says yes but can't make any promises. She says "forever" is "not one day at a time". She's still working with the OM too and I know that can't last, yet she says she won't look for another job until the first of the year... I have my doubts even then.<P>I just don't think I can take it anymore. I'm so down, can't work, can't sleep or eat... I just wanna leave and go be with my family in CO where I can hopefully find support for ME. But if I do that she gets it all... the house, kids and she's still here with HIM.<P>I'm so tired and weak from it all... how could she be so cold and heartless at the very time I thought she was coming back home to try and work on our marriage?<P>

TexasMan:<P>I'd encourage you to try to ignore the behaviors your wife is exhibiting during the affair (no---I really don't have a clue as to HOW to do that). She's not doing this to be intentionally cruel: she's exhibiting addictive behavior, a form of mental illness. Continue working on yourself and your marriage using Plan A. If you have knowledge of the affair continuing, you should share it with her (honesty---but no lovebusters). <P>When you can't deal with it anymore, you make a complete separation (Plan B). By the time that you're ready for that, hopefully you will have impressed your wife with your newly learned marriage skills.<P>Remember to avoid lovebusting at all costs.

Thanks K, I must admit I have more and more days lately where I just want to give up and move on though. This is all so hard!

Dear Texas Man,<P>Has your wife told you that she has broken off her relationship with OM? Harley suggests that a letter be written saying there will be no contact, ever, (you get to read it)then it is sent to OM. It doesn't sound like she has, if she spent the previous week with him. <P>If not, then you may want to reconsider having your wife move back in. <P>There is absolutely no way that you can rebuild your marriage when OM is still in the picture. Perhaps you should think about moving on to Plan B. Remember, Plan B is designed for US. You need to focus on what is best for YOU right now.<P>I know it is very tempting to just run away (Colorado would be a very attractive alternative!), BUT, it is your emotions taking over right now. You cannot trust them right now. Your decision making process is severely handicapped. Give yourself some time, & realize that you are not capable of making a sound, logical decision at the moment.<P>Hang tough, TM, you will get through this. Remember, we are not alone.

In some ways that's what running away would be... my attempt at Plan B. I know I would do better near my family and loved ones in Colorado. My kids are nearly grown, 15 and 18 and the oldest will move out with friends if I leave because he's so fed up with his mom...

Texas Man,<P>If you are serious about executing Plan B from Colorado (which is definitely an option), I would suggest you consult with an attorney, if you haven't done so already, BEFORE leaving the state.<P>You are justifiably upset. But, don't jeopardize your financial future because you are not thinking clearly, right now.