Howdy all,

I sort of took the week off from MB last week, I'm finding that reading TOO much stuff here sorta brings me down a bit at times, so I'm trying to focus on ME and spend some time with myself.

I will say that last week, my attitude was fantastic, even though no real progress is being made with my W and I, I am feeling pretty good and I really can't even explain why.

I have been following coach Cerri's advice, and here's the week's events:

-- Last Sunday, I sent W an email regarding the phone call full of relationship talk we had on Thursday as a damage control type thing, just to touch base with her and make some positive small talk. Cerri suggested I mention calling W on Thursday, and tell her that if she doesn't want a call, to let me know, otherwise, I'll call.

-- The week goes on and Thursday afternoon I finally get an e-mail response from W. It is very friendly and cordial. She tells about a movie she's seen that she thinks I'll like. She makes some other small talk. She then says that she doesn't feel ready to talk to me again, and asks that I don't call. She says she'll call me if she feels up to it sooner, but otherwise, I can call her NEXT Thursday (which is now this coming Thursday).

So, at least I feel that the negativity of the relationship talk on that last phone call is in the past now. Divorce wasn't brought up in the email at all, nor anything regarding us in general, just small talk. So that makes me very happy. So I feel that time is cooling things off again, and that's good. I assume relationship with OM is still going on, no reason to think otherwise, in fact, his presence may be the reason she couldn't talk that night, but regardless, I am thinking positive, and feeling great about myself.

-- I don't call, of course, and on Friday, I send her back, per Cerri's advice, a very short email thanking her for letting me know her feelings, and that I appreciate that. Told her she can call sooner if she's up to it, but if not, I'll talk to her Thursday.

So, I'm getting better at a positive mental attitude, and patience. Been doing GREAT with patience. I feel willing to give W all the time and space she needs. No pressure at all anymore. I didn't even want to email W back but Cerri thinks my keeping in contact is good, ignoring is bad, and she has been dead-on so far. So I'll stick with her until the end, either way!

That's the latest. I don't expect to have more until the end of the week. I am still wondering if I should even call W on Thursday, but she did say I could -- I almost feel having her initiate the contact has been working better. But Cerri I'm sure wants me to call, so I'll likely be calling on Thursday if I don't hear sooner.

Anyway, there ya go, folks. As always, comments welcome!

Take care my friends!

ALS

ALS- sounds like you are making baby steps! I am happy to hear that.

Best Wishes
STTSI

One small step for a man, one giant leap for MB-kind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> . Sounds like you are doing fantastic (guess I don't have to bring the Plan A horror stories out of the closet after all <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> ). Keep listening to Cerri, she's wonderful. Did she ever tell you I was one of her first success stories? Even after all my Plan A blunders she still managed to help me see things through. Keep up the great work.

MTD

Thanks my friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Well, the Eagles lost today, so THAT was a bummer...

But yes, there are baby steps being made. Communication lines are at least open again between W and I. I'm not sure if the baby steps are inching me towards a marital recovery, but I am definitely making baby steps toward my OWN recovery. Getting used to life on my own, being able to detach from the situation between W and OM, and knowing again that I will be fine regardless of the outcome.

Do I still want my W back? Yes, I know this for sure. But after a lot of false hope led to my pressuring W, I decided that I need to be more laid back, more easygoing, less aggressive, and truly focus on myself as much as possible for a while.

MTD - I did not know Cerri helped you out in the beginning, that is very good to hear! Cerri is absolutely fantastic. Her advice has been perfect, and even in the moments I question her actions, I now listen to them unconditionally. What shs suggests sometimes goes against instinct, but everything she HAS suggested to me so far has gotten results, when I apply it correctly of course!

So, that being said, I go into another week -- Usually I'm a bit down on Sundays, but I feel pretty good today, and I'm hoping for another great week with a positive attitude. I expect I'll talk to W on Thursday night unless she tells me otherwise, may not have a lot of news until then, though. I think a slower approach to my Plan A will get me better results, though.

ALS

By the way, if there's one thing I realize, it's that this website and all of you here have made such a HUGE difference in this process. I am incredibly thankful for all of you, and your support and input through this tough time. I'm sure so many of us thought we were alone, or unique in our situations, or failures, until we realized that what we're going through has happened to many others, and is actually quite normal.

Well, maybe "normal" isn't the best word, but all I know is that before I found MB, I figured I was the only person in the world that this ever happened to. What a wakeup call to not only see that what I was feeling was natural, but that so many others have been through it and recovered from it as well.

Thank you all for everything you have done. I will keep you posted with any new updates regarding my situation. I'm now almost 3 months out from D-Day, seems like a LOT longer than that, but I do feel I am making progress with myself a lot more than I am with my W. Still, that may be what it takes to fix my M as well.

ALS

ALS,

Glad to see that all is looking up for you. If you take a step back and go back to your first postings you will see a HUGE difference in your attitude. Great job. I think with time and patience you'll be fine.

Yea your Eagles blew it big time. What a mess. I'm sure their looking for Andy Rieds head on a stick in the city of brotherly love right now.

Well, the Eagles lost today, so THAT was a bummer...

Well...actually it depends on you POV...see...I live in Tampa and....You get the idea <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I am totally with you on how great this site has been. Even 3 mos into R, I still come for advice, insight, and just to see how everyone is doing. You're right about feeling alone in the beginning. I thought "no-one can help me", how would they know what I'm going through. Doh!!! This sounds kinda sic, but I'm glad someone else knows what I'm going through (please take that in context <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> ), if that makes any sense at all..OY. But what really got me was when I started reading about the other WS's here and what they were doing/acting like and I remember thinking "OMG, that's my W!!!". Anyway, it is nice to share with someone who knows, someone that "gets it", if you know what I mean.

Looking forward to the weekly update pal <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> !!

MTD

Mark, thank you, I actually don't read my old threads but maybe I should. I have learned a ton and I think a LOT of what I'm doing now of course is because of this board, reading, and, I think most of all, just getting control of my emotions. My emotions were in the drivers seat for the first month after D-Day, and as much as I may have wanted to, I couldn't do the right thing. I was in too much shock that my M was suddenly in the dumps. Now that I have had so much more time to reflect, I can at least keep my emotions in check and remember what's important.

By the way, I have been following your threads, and read about your recent slip...I don't think it was much of a slip at all, if anything, I think it was good for you to at least speak your mind to W a little bit, now back to the Plan A routine for ya! You are doing fantastic. I can understand your frustration, of course, but remember how lucky you are to have a W that is willing to try reconciliation, some of us don't even have that luxury, not yet anyway. Keep up your FANTASTIC work.

MTD - I have a good friend in Tampa as well, I hear it's madness down there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

And yeah, I think it's sort of natural to be happy to see others are going through what we are. It's not so much we WANT them to feel the same pain as us, but it helps us to not feel so alone. I know that since all this happened, even worse than the resentment and anger and disappointment is the loneliness. But coming here takes care of that a lot of times. It's always nice to see replies on a thread. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Anyway, no updates for today, though I do hope this week will play out positively, and that I get to talk to W on the phone -- I know I can do a great job with it, as I am feeling very positive, lovingly detached, and patient. I do need to ask her about filing taxes though, as I really need the return and I'm sure she'll want hers too, hopefully she will agree to let us file jointly, it just makes so much more sense financially, and I'll of course make sure she gets her fair share of the return.

I'll be back with more news as it develops, of course!

ALS

ALS-

Funny, I had the exact same e-mail exchange with my wife last week regarding taxes. She responded in a heartbeat that she wanted to file jointly and that we would work out the preparation details later. I'll bet yours will agree to do the same, as you said it makes much more sense as long as you can amicably agree on the payment/refund depending on your situation. Maybe explain it to her in an e-mail rather than be forced to discuss money related matters during your phone call. Your goal is to keep it light and happy, money can be a drag. Do as I did, explain it to her in an e-mail and make it her choice as to what to do. Don't tell her what to do of course as you don't want to be controlling. If you explain it correctly, she will clearly choose to file jointly. I just wouldn't suggest having that be part of your conversation as you don't know where that may lead. You don't want to get into other financial discussions or God forbid the D word may come up again!!

Good luck with the phone call this week, I have to wait until next week for mine. My wife is actually thinking about a face to face meeting but I really hope she chooses a phone call. My feeling is that she will feel more empowered by the phone and be more apt to tell me the truth, I fear a face to face meeting will be too difficult for her and I will get the "guilty staring down at the floor" that I received back on Nov. 2 which is the last time I saw her. It has been so long since I have gotten anything but e-mail that I don't want to waste the opportunity, whatever she has to say I just want it to be the truth- if she is capable of doing so at this point!!

Glad that your e-mail worked out, I was suspicious as to how effective it would be but it seems to have gone over well.

Our situations are so similar, I truly hope and pray for happy endings for each of us!! I know your 3 month D-day anniversary is tomorrow, mine was on Sunday. Hopefully we will both not have to endure another 3 months of waiting, but I think we are both getting stronger each and every day.

Again, good luck on Thursday. I am anxious to hear how it goes....

It's funny you mention the "looking down at the floor" thing, because that's how all of my last visits with W were -- Even the short ones. She looked away or at the floor, VERY careful not to look into my eyes at all. I believe that is mostly caused by the guilt over what they have done, though I'm not sure -- Anyone else have an opinion on that? I clearly recall the one hour-long visit we had a month ago, my W sat there and looked at the floor almost the entire time.

Thanks for the tax advice -- I am hopeful that she will want to file jointly but I will definitely let her know it's her option not to -- I will tell her what I've found out and prefer but that it's her decision to file any way that she likes. Hopefully she will want to file jointly as well. All I'd really need is her W2 forms, even if she just wanted to mail them to me. Maybe she will e-mail me this week before Thursday, giving me the chance to ask her about taxes before the phone call. If not I might have to quickly bring it up, but I won't let the discussion go more than a few seconds.

I also know what you mean about the face to face meetings. It is such a promising thought but they usually turn out to be disappointing. It's one thing to email our alien WS's, but to SEE them in person, still acting evasive, just not like the same person that we married, can be quite disheartening. I like to have the image of the happy, loving W I married, but when I see her now, I just see someone who is very distant, aloof, sad, and guilty. It's like an empty shell of what my W once was. And I usually feel pretty sad after she leaves. A phone call is normally much more satisfying.

Hang in there, Sadinaz, you're right, it's amazing how similar our situations are -- Where do you normally post your threads? I want to keep up with your story as well. Glad to hear you are feeling better, too, I am still taking it all day by day, but generally, I can feel myself getting stronger and more accepting of any outcome. While at first I couldn't imagine a future without W, and always thought that we would be together somehow, I am now finally more accepting of the fact that I will be okay regardless. But I haven't given up hope.

ALS