Where do I begin. I thought we were in recovery many times. My WH had an affair with coworker. I discovered it and I felt we were on our way to recovery with some of the MB concepts. I never told anyone for a year. There was continued contact. He said he would stop...he continued. Finally after a year I told our children (ages 20 and 23)thinking they may be able to help him (or me...I needed to know I wasn't crazy). He promised them he would get counseling and antidepressants.

On top of all of this he has had serious prostate surgery...he had become severely depressed because he is only 49 and he has the prostate of an 80 year old. The surgery was a success..(all is working fine) so I suspected he was back on the prowl. I begged him to find another job...stop going into work so early...he resisted. So, I got a copy of HER cell phone bill because he knew I could get his and he was calling her from a payphone now. Low and behold her cell phone bill shows calls to my WH BUT there were also calls to another man who was in a bad marriage...funny how she attracts these men....alot of calls. So I went directly to her husband..did i forget to mention that she was married too. I resisted to tell him for 18 months but I threatened to do it after the last time I caught him on the payphone with her. Her H suspected someone but he didn't have proof. He wasn't even upset about my husband..it was this other guy that upset him. So, I confronted my husband with this phone bill. He packed his bag and left that night. During this whole A ordeal, has never shown any kind of depression. In fact that is how I knew he was still in some kind of contact with her. He never went through withdrawl.

Now, the ??it hit the fan. Her husband has told everyone...the people they work with, the community where she lives, his parents....

Since my husband left, I had to tell my parents. I waited for a few days thinking he would return but he said I may as well tell them....so they can hate him too. Do you know what they said, we still love him. We have loved him for 30 years like a son, that won't change. Then that evening my dad called him and asked him if he need to talk since he has had a checkered past too. How is that for inlaws?

Then he had to go to his mother's to live and now his family knows. He is now very depressed and thinks he is an outcast and everyone hates him.

I point blank asked him if he knew that OW was sleeping with AOM. (She confessed everything to her husband...she sang like a canary 10 minutes after he showed her the phone bill...my husband protected her for 18 months...kept saying they never slept together and that they didn't even talk anymore.) He said he knew she was friends with him and figured they were sleeping together. Then he said, "how do you know they were sleeping together...". I said she confessed to her H. I could see that bothered my WH.

Do any of you out there know where his head and his heart are right now? I want to help him. He stops over to visit our Son and we talk. He says he feels numb and just wants to be alone.

He made an appointment with Steve last Monday and he took my SAA book with him to read. We have a joint appointment tomorrow. Before he resisted Steve's counseling but I told him how wonderful this site is and how Steve has saved so many marriages.

I am in Plan A. I want him to feel safe to come back but as Steve says, he has to have a plan to protect me and my children from his hurting us again and again.

Thanks for listening.....

Mad,

I'm not a WS, but I can tell you what MY WS told me after I gave him proof of the OW "cheating" on him...I found out that she was sleeping with SEVERAL OM. I had e-mails from her to them and them to her...I told my H AND her H. My H said he felt "stupid" as she had told him he was "only the second man she had ever slept with" (I knew that was a clanker when I heard it) Turns out OW is the company joke where my H works. She has a long list of drivers she's went thru...The union steward told me OW is currently living with her "newest" boyfriend...another driver there. Her H now has enough ammo to D her and get full custody of their son.

My H told me he feels "so stupid, how could I have fallen for her crap?" OW is a master at manipulation and deciet. My H fought against the truth for quite a while...made me want to bang my AND his head against the wall lol. But finally he saw what was in front of him. Thank God!

Best of luck to you, and God Bless

My WH refused to beleive it of his A partner, Though I could show him proof. They go into denial because they think they were conquering someone nobody else could conquer. Getting a woman in bed that said the H was so special, he was the only man who could get her there!
It burst their bubble to find out they were just one of many. Therefore, no ego boost can last. It's down the tubes. Mine actually told me it was a ego boost. Funny, I look 10 times better than she does yet he thought it was an ego boost? How about me being an ego boost.
Your H is having problems with dealing with the fact he was just one of the bunch. I think it serves him right!
When will they learn if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you? Famous Dr. Phil quote!
WH/WW's, you're not special to them. You're just an ego boost for the temporary ride and being used! You were special to your S's until you made them feel unspecial!And guess what? You have now lost something that can never be regained in your S's eyes. I don't care how much restoration, rebuilding, love there is, you will never get it back!
I know I can never feel special with my H again. He has no idea what he gave away. Or what he lost. He says nothing was lost. So he will never know how my feelings have changed toward him. I would have died in his place if I could. No More. He lost my respect, my trust and a lot of my love though we're still together and loving each other. It will never be the same as it used to be. It just can't.
He can never give that back to me. I was delirously happy with him and madly in love so many years later in our marriage. But even the fact that he could still send chills down my spine years into the marriage, changed after the A.
I hope it was worth it to him, though he says not. But hey,he had to know before doing it and he chose her over me at the time.
Now the temporary thrill is over and he's left with a W who can't ever feel that way about him again.
Any WS that thinks nothing has changed or been lost is fooling themselves. Obviously they are now ready to settle for what's left. Thinking it's going to be like before.
Yes, we can rebuild marriages, and love for each other, but those feelings that were will never be again. You blew it quite frankly!
LouLou