How many of your marriages went through an affair close to the 7 year mark of your marriage?
If it wasn't at the 7 year mark, when was it?

I hate that mine was indeed at just about the 7 year mark.....I hate hearing the phrase "Oh, the 7 year itch eh?"

I am just curious, again!

Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Mine was right at the 9 yr mark. In fact, the first time my W asked me for a divorce was the day before our 9 yr anniversary.

They talk about the 7 yr itch but I've been reading that a lot of affairs happen about the 10 year mark.

ten years for my marriage too.must be a magic number.

I'm curious about more responses, but if experts are right about the 10 yr mark, what do you think it is? Is it some sort of milestone?

A few people have attributed the timing of my W's affair last year to the fact that she turned 30. My W herself had said she thought she wasted her 20's on me and her life has not amounted to much (a lot of people, myself included, disagree with her view, perhaps low self-esteem) and that she was going to make sure she would not repeat her same mistakes in her 30's.

I wouldn't say that I had my affair because of my age, but I am about to turn 30 as well. My H turned 30 the day before my A started. Could be something about the big 30 too.

Jen

My 7th anniversary happened when I was in the middle of my A. However, H and I were together for 5 years before we married. I don't know if that makes it a 7 or 12 year thing?

Good question though.

Lisa

I was married almost 17 years when it started.(EA part) Separated at 19 years of marriage,Divorced before 21st anniversary.

I was nearing 40 when it began. I see it as part of huge MLC on my part. I was the 'good girl' my whole life, who'd only been with my exH prior to the A.

To me the 7 year itch thing never made much sense as at that point it was too early to feel an 'itch' about anything--for me, that is. It was much more about a depression/MLC than an unhappiness with exH or marriage.

Interesting,
H_P

Looking back, I recall our 7th year as one where my W and I started drifting apart. I recall my W telling me that she was not liking the person she was becoming.

hmm... maybe there is something about the 7 yr itch.

18 years. And during a high-stress period. H was feeling very a "old" 40-something, job pressure, deaths in family, etc. Life was passing him by <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> . And to be honest, I was NOT very symathetic...too busy dealing with kids, ill parents, job etc.

Kathi

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 04:55 PM: Message edited by: kam6318 ]</small>

Lisa - I'm really the same as you. My H and I dated for 5 years, and have been married for 7.
So perhaps it is the 12 year itch.

D-day for me was the day before our 12 year anniversary (since we started dating). Every year right before that anniversary we'd start fighting and disagreeing like crazy. I wish I knew why. It went on for 12 years.

Realistically, I know no one's affair has anything to do with the number of years we've been married. It all has to do with whether we were meeting each other's needs or not, and the surrounding circumstances. But it is interesting to see some patterns anyways.

JB

oops - hit "add reply" twice, sorry. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

<small>[ January 19, 2003, 05:39 PM: Message edited by: Jen Brown ]</small>

11 years.

The 7 yr itch is a fallacy. Turning 30 is also irrellevant. An affair is about a lapse in judgement in an attempt to escape from the reality of your life. Some people do it because they are scared of growing up...i.e. my husband. Some do it in reaction to the state of their marriage. Some do it because they feel they have reached a milestone event in their life and ponder on what the future holds. One thing remains the same...an affair is a choice made in the erroneous idea that the moment is more relevant than forever.

Jen you had an affair because your husband was having two EA's. You may not have been aware of the definition of that term then but you are now. These women are not good friends they are emotional lovers. In a moment of despair, fueled by alcohol you chose to hold onto the moment and escape the reality of that with the OM. It was not a plotted event, nor was it completely malicious. The more I have learned about you and your husband the more I understand the pain you went through. As I have stated before understanding the feelings does not justify the actions. You are not justified but your husband was/is plainly abusive to you. He crossed the lines of emotional marital sanctity and when you expressed your pain over the situation he was heartless and showed no compassion. It is perfectly alright to accept that his betrayals played a part in your actions.

You seem to get much of your self worth from what he thinks about you. This is not abnormal however it is quite sad that he feels justified to "lord" over you, criticizing you for what he considers shortcomings. There is a differnce between communicating personal preferences and belittling someone in an effort to control them. You once mentioned you had a parent/child relationship with him...I understand what you mean but I disagree...you have a master/slave relationship with him. He tells you what to do, how to act, what to feel. When you do not comply he abuses you by ignoring your individuality and rights as an adult.

Many women fall into this pattern, especially women who fall in love young...believe me I know. In the beginning you want to be everything they want you to be because you are rewarded with kindness and devotion. Over time you do everything he wants to avoid the pain of his criticism.

Jen you could have been 20 or 60...married 5 days or 50 years...the point is you got to the point in your life where the moment meant more than forever. For some people the stress of a hangnail would push them to this moment...for you continual loss of control and committment in your marriage brought you to the brink. I know you acknowledge your choice...and for this I truly admire you but go further and acknowledge why the choices were lain in front of you.

You sometimes in the past have referred to yourself as weak and selfish...I do not believe this is true. You are an adult with value who is eager to learn from the past to heal the future. You have shown strength, devotion, compassion, friendship, understanding, humility, and humor.

I too have an extremely strong bond with my husband that was in the beginning to my detriment, although I could not understand that. He is much changed and I thank God for that. We are proof that these sorts of toxic relationships can heal. I have no magic answer. I just wish the best for you always.

ayslyne

WH's first A was at just past the 6 yr mark. Second one, at least I think it's the second one because who knows if any others, but second one just after the 29 yr mark.
As for age? His first was just as he was turning 39! Second was just as he was turning 62! Midlife crisis? I don't buy it. I do go with the lack of moral values and selfish, self centeredness. All for ego but what he has in me is far above what he went for both times. In Looks, brains,morals and caring. His words exactly! He actually said he felt he had gone crazy though he knew he wasn't! I think he was. LOL
Oh well, time, age has no difference. If they will, they will. And what worries me is that past behavior they say is a predicter of future behavior. Let us hope they're wrong, but it has proven true so far for us. And they really don't have to have an excuse. They'll make one up!
LouLou

Interesting post.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by ayslyne:
<strong>Some people do it because they are scared of growing up...</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My W has always complained that since she married too young she went from being supported by her parents to being supported by me. She wanted to make sure she can earn a living and be on her own; that's the line she was feeding me last summer while she was secretly carrying on her EA.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Some do it in reaction to the state of their marriage.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Here, again, my W may fit the bill. She's never been happy in our M. The first half of the M she would say she wanted to spend the rest of her life with me but felt restrained by her M. According to her, the M had failed by the time she met OM.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong>Some do it because they feel they have reached a milestone event in their life and ponder on what the future holds.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This is more like my W. She was about to turn 30 and didn't want to be trapped in a M anymore as she put it.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><strong> One thing remains the same...an affair is a choice made in the erroneous idea that the moment is more relevant than forever.
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I have a question about this, not to hijack the thread, there is a philosophy that states to live the present because it is the only thing that is real. The past is past and future is not here yet. This is further reinforced by the idea that we have to have things now, not later. As a nation we are no longer used to the idea of waiting. We gotta have everything now. We grow impatient if have to sacrifice by waiting. How much of this culture affects WS? All we seem to be after is instant gratification. Is this the case in an affair?

7 years post marriage, spot on
(but have been together for 4 years longer)

however, affair started in year 5 of our marriage...

basically, whatever number you want, I can produce it.

8 yrs for h and I affairs that I know of anyway?

husbands affair was at the 7 year married mark and we were together 10 yrs at the time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I had my A when we had been together 7 years almost exactly...we had been married about 3 years. I think alot of A do have to do with getting started at a young age though...we were high school sweethearts and really hadn't dated anyone else.