My husabnd and I have been married for almost seven years. We met in the military and immedietly I was pregnant and we were married. This all took place within the course of three months at the very ripe ol' age of 18. We ended up in Germany and he was sent off to go down range and I began living life on my own, and this is when I had an affair with a man who I knew was nothing more than a ladies man, but I had a strong physical attraction to him and it wasn't hard for him to sweet talk me into his bedroom. After my husband returned from down range about 5 months later, I was unable to stop the relationship I had started and my husband and I seperated, he visted our daughter every now and then. After another month or so of this intense sexual affair I was having, I became pregnant. The guy of course prompted for an abortion and once I choose not to he relocated back to the states to continue on his relationship with his fiance. I eventuall y got of the military on a maternity discharge and moved back into mother house (who I didn't grow up with) with my child and my other on the way. This of course didn't work out and when I was about 8 months pregnant I packed up all my things and moved into an Extended Sat hotel to think. Around the same time I got out of the military, my husband also got of the military on a hardship discharge do to his mother being ill. We talked often after leaving Germany, and visted often since we were only living about 3 hours away. I moved from my town to his town (he thought that was best), and after talking thind over for a couple of weeks, we decided to try and make our marriage work again. It was literally the next day afterwe decide this that the doctors kept me at the hospital to plan a c-section due to complications in the baby's birth weight based agianst her gestational age. We really didn't have time to discuss things like we should have I guess. Things have been ok between us, but it seems like we are just going through the motions. I am not working now, I am a stay at home mom, but I would prefer to be working if I could find good childcare. His mother lives here but of course everyone in the family is struggling to accept me again considering the circumstances and all. I don't know who I am or what I need to be doing with my life. I don't have any friends and have no idea how to make any. I can only call my grandma or wait for my husband to come back from his business trips to have anyone to talk to. I often think of having these great romantic evenings with my husband, but I seem to chicken out at the last minute. He isn't very aggressive in trying to have sex, he kinda jokes around all day that I don't know if feeling intimate or being silly. He sometimes scolds me if I happen to use improper english or can't find the right words to express myself, and I think this doesn't help to feel attracted to him. He is also so tied up in his new career and has no time for God, or family. It's only his job and football. He also makes a big deal out of him giving me money when he gets paid, his statemtns are "I must love you...i give you all my money right" That isn't cool. I am 25 now and have two kids, but I don't know what type of career I want. I don't know who I am. He wants me to go back to work, but it's not because he needs money, but because he'll have more money. I don't even know why I had the affair or what I was expecting the outcome to be, and he's always asking me this and it's three years later...the situation still make him angry at me if he thinks about it. Another big thing for me is that he doesn't want to have anymore children. Our first born wasn't conceived in marriage, and my second born is from an affair. He can only think about how much a child will cost, and how he doesn't have the patience for anymore kids. I don't take birth control but I try to keep condoms incase we do have sex, but not once can we just go wild together. It becomes such a ritual....it goes like this: do you wanna do it? Yes, ok then he go gets the condom and I position up, and that is it. Yet he is so ocnfused why I am not interested in sex. Can anyone help me, give advice or something. I really need it. Thanks for taking the time to read this long post. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Ok, you have lots to deal with.

Could you find a play group for the children? It would give you moms to talk with. Story time at the library? We have some wonderful storytimes in my city.

Football season is about over. Will that help for a while? Or will football replaced by another sport?

Have you done any reading on this site. Plan A is always a good thing. You don't do Plan A to get your spouse to like you better. You do Plan A to become a better you.

Have you done any of the questionnaires? It would be especially helpful if your h would do them to. I think Emotional Needs is usually the first one recommended.

I came to these boards long after my divorce was over. I can't give you the best advice on how to most effectively use the information here to restore your marriage.

For starters, I would recommend counseling. I always recommed it. While I am not a counseling junky, I have had several very good counselors and a not so good one. The first one is not always a good fit. Your local community mental health agency may be able to provide counseling on a sliding scale rate as might some other agencies.

Do you have a clergy member you could talk with?

I hope the information on this site is helpful. Remember, you are loved by The Man Upstairs. You are his beautiful daughter.

Thanks, I have not been to read Plan A. I am not sure what link to click on for it...I will do more research on the site to find it. Thanks for taking the time to listen and respond. We started counseling before the holidays....he wanted mt og o because I have an attitude he says. He also did a session individually for the affair thing. We will have to pick back up now that the holidays are over. Thanks Again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

1) Get reliable birth control. Getting pregnant again accidently at this time would be a disaster. Three kids would be overwhelming. Your H might feel angry and trapped. Get the pill or the IUD.

2) Try to have some date nights with H and connect with him doing something fun. Try to find some interests you can share together. Try to be his friend.

3) Develop some of your own interests and try to make some friends. Get some playdates going.

YoungWife Mom,

Espoir touched on something that just caused me to respond to this post. I think you two have several areas to address. They are indeed separate but they do affect the total interaction.

When I read about your H, I just see "guy speak" all over the place. Young guy speak at that. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My first response to you is that he is LOST. He doesn't know what to do, but do what he knows how to do: work. I would guess that his comments about the money are not putting you down. They are a cry that he needs to know that you appreciate him, that you value him. You know that "special" night you keep thinking about? Do it. He needs to see that you do care for him.

But, you say, I am with him and I am trying. Perhaps you are. But, look at this from his point of view. You married him because you were pregnant. He gets deployed and you have an affair and OM's child. He comes back and still loves you but probably feels you married him because you needed him to help with both children.

Frankly, he hasn't healed from the affair and he is very uncertain as to why you are with him. Do you love him? If so, he needs to hear it alot from you. He needs to hear it alot from you.

As for the sex, this can be complicated but I will offer you somethings to think about and others I am sure can offer their thoughts. I think it is plain vanilla because: 1. He doesn't know any better. 2. He is afraid of you. 3. He doesn't or hasn't processed your affair and suspects that the OM was much better and he cannot compete, thus killing his desire to experiment. This is especially true if he feels you stayed with him because of his income and work.

So if you want a more adventurous sex life, you take control of things. Have a special night, and start to do what you want. If you already know and learned this from OM, perhaps you could buy a book and at least suggest that some of this you are learning from the book. You take control of this. Tell him what you like, what you want (if it is him sweeping you off your feet tell him). Even tell him if you want the romantic elusions.

The child issues is interesting. I am assuming he is roughly your age. He is very young, and probably not very mature emotionally yet. Most of us guys weren't at 25-28 years old. We tend to mature into this later than women. But, I will tell you this. I doubt that the thought of children brings warm fuzzy feelings to him. The first one LED to being married to a woman that cheated on him and the second one was a result of the cheating. Do you see any positives in this? There are some, but they are not coming from you, only the children.

If you want more children with him, I think you need to do several things. One, learn to really love him. Two, let him mature abit. Three, develop much better communications with him than you currently have. To him child are a financial burden, and something that affected his life in a negative way. He won't always feel like this. But, he has never experience the joy of DECIDING to have a child and anticipating the arrival of that child.

I must go, but I hope that I have given you something to think about. I would strongly recommend that you get two books: His Needs Her Needs and Surviving an Affair both by Harley. I realize your affair is long over. But, the affair has not been dealt with apparently and you will learn how to do that.

Meanwhile keep posting and asking questions.

God Bless,

JL

I can suggest two books to read, one for your self, and one to read with your husband. The first, for yourself, is "Surviving an Affair", by Willard Harley, and available through the bookstore of this web site, as well as Amazon.com and most "real" book stores. Your husband may find it helpful, too. It will help you understand why you had an affair. It was also helpful to us in pointing us toward what a great marriage was "supposed" to look like, as well as giving us some of the tools we needed to head in that direction from where we were.

The second book is "Torn Asunder", by Carder, also available through most bookstores, on-line or "real" (though not the one on this site). Reading it together with your husband will help both of make sure you have gone through what you need to go through to actually heal after your affair.

Listen to JL, he gives some of the best advice you will find on this board. Read the Basic Concepts section of this site, and any of the Q&A's that seem to apply to your situation. THe responses that you get on this board, though tailored to your situation, are from amatuers. The writer of the Concets and the Q&A's is a professional, and a good one. It makes a difference.

I agree with A LOT of what Just Learning wrote. There are a lot of things you need to address.

1st you have to look inside of you and find what caused you to stray. Don't be afraid to do this. Only by knowing how not to can we avoid. The only way you can learn this is to find out why. It's not easy, but you have probably spent the greater of the past 3 yrs. trying not to think about it. Dig deep into your soul and find what drew you in that direction. Counseling would probably be a good place to talk to your DH about this. I've been there. I know it's scary because that's like looking at the darkest side of yourself in true light. However, once you find it and share it, you will feel a huge weight lifted and real progress can really start.

Sounds like getting back into the counseling is a must. Your communication with DH does not sound very good. The two of you have to be able to really talk and "really" listen to eachother. When he tells you how he is feeling listen hard, and see it from his point. Don't counter it, but acknowledge it. You don't have to agree with it, but simply let him know you understand how HE could see things that way. He will feel like his thoughts and feelings are valued, and it is important that you value eachother.

About the money comment - I would 100% agree that it sounds like a cry for recognition. As he gets frustrated because you cannot always word things right, try to understand that he may not always have the words for what he is feeling. Next time he gives you money for something, let him know how much you appreciate how hard he works and how he provides for you and the kids. If he makes that comment again, say "yes you do, and I am lucky to have you love me so much, and I appreciate what you do for your family."

Now, the sex thing. . . yes yes yes - do that fantasy you've been thinking of. Get a sitter and plan something special. Make his favorite meal, some candles, soft music. Or, prepare a nice bubble bath with rose peddles around the tub. Get wild, get fun, get ORAL (most men love that, and it's a good mood setter). Touch him, kiss him (all over), be intimate, and start it. I'm certain he has an inferiority issue (my DH expressed that to me many times). Let him know how much you enjoy intimacy with him.

You want to connect with him, as you say it's all about work and football - ok, would it be so bad to go to a football game? Make the effort here. Try to get a sitter. Get some game tickets and surprise him. Let him know that you know how much he loves football and that you want to do something special with him so what better way to show him you care than to join him in it.

Take time for the two of you. When the kids go to bed spend a good half hour with the TV off and just talking about whatever. How work was. How the day was in general. Sometimes the talk may get longer, and sometimes there may not be much to talk about, but it will open up some communications.

Also, get to know eachother. Sit down and ask him about other things he likes. Ask him what turns him on. Don't be afraid to ask point blank. You'd be surprised. See, I felt that I love this man so much I should *know* what makes him tick, that if I didn't it meant I hadn't cared enough to pay attention. That isn't true, it just meant I never took the time to ask. However, when I explained this to my DH he was pleased at the fact that he not only understand my dilema, but that I had stepped above my fears and took the time now to ask. We only have ourselves to blame if we don't ask for help when we need it.

I've been in your shoes. Do you love your DH? If you answer this yes, then you have a start in finding who you are and where you are going in life. Share this with him, and ask him to share with you. We all have our hopes and dreams, and I bet he has his too. Take things one step at a time and one day at a time.

I know I've written a lot, but I can so relate to you. If there is anything else I can offer, please feel free to ask. Oh, and as for the baby thing - for awhile my DH wanted no part of another child. We are currently trying for our 2nd. It takes time, but as you heal, learn and grow together, anything is possible. I wish you all the best. Take care.

JL,
I am wondering how could he think that I married because I was pregnant? He asked me to marry him. Also he initiated for us to get back together after our seperation. So it is not that I needed him to care for me or the kids. He didn't alway's have a good job so it definitly wasn't about the money. When I met him he was a soldier just like me, and we all know how much soldiers get paid. Anyway, I really appreciate all your advice. I will re-read it all many times to help it sink into my head. It's good for me to get a man's perspective. Thanks Again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Princess,
Thanks for all your advice it really makes since after I can see it from eyes and minds other than mine and my h. Thanks for taking the time to respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Johnh39,
Thanks for responding,
I have read "Torn Usunder", I actually loaned it to a friend who's h was having multiple affairs. I will go out and purchase "Surving an affair" though. Thanks Again. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

espior,
Thanks for your input also!

JL,
After re-reading your response,I am amazed at how much insight you have to offer.
Thanks again...You all have really helped me to open my mind to some ways of thinking and looking at my situation. I feel like aload has been lifted off my back, I am so glad I came across this website. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Oh, I have one more thing to add.

And it is really none of my business but the recommendation for a more reliable form of birth control might be very good. Not dealing with the interruption might be helpful in both partners' enjoyment of those encounters. And the stress of an additional pregnancy at this time could be a disaster.

YWM,

You asked </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">JL,
I am wondering how could he think that I married because I was pregnant? He asked me to marry him. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Of course he did. It was the right thing to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />
Just remember this is about feelings. Also it is about revised feeling based on other things happening later.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Also he initiated for us to get back together after our seperation. So it is not that I needed him to care for me or the kids. He didn't alway's have a good job so it definitly wasn't about the money. When I met him he was a soldier just like me, and we all know how much soldiers get paid.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Obviously he still loved you, but the second child was not a bonus, but a something to over come. Hence the sense that children are not something joyful.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Anyway, I really appreciate all your advice. I will re-read it all many times to help it sink into my head. It's good for me to get a man's perspective. Thanks Again. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Oh! one other Male perspective thing. Men rarely see having children as women do. When I first learned that my W was expecting she stated that I turned a delightful color of green. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I was 34 years old, financially pretty well set and so forth. You know what my first thoughts were? How am I going to pay for college? How am I going to afford everything this child will need? How am I going to do this? I was a basketcase for about a week worrying about whether I could take care of this kid financially. This finally pasted.

So I suspect right now your H won't be really wild about having another child. He will be WILLING to do so IF your marriage is going along and it is something YOU really want. But, give it some time. You two are still young yet.

Hope this helps.

God Bless,

JL