My wife has journals for each of our children. She used to write in those at least every 3 months or so, with some stretches going up to six months but she always wrote.

The reason for the question is that she stopped writing in them in October of 1998.

What could happen in a womans life, a woman who loves to write and is very talented at it, to just suddenly quit writing?

I have some ideas but really do want to express them as my mind has the weird function of accepting as reality those things that I read or express. Something about that "Gut Instinct" I keep hearing around here.

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 08:32 AM: Message edited by: trusting her ]</small>

TH-

I guess your question just raises questions. Ther eisn't enough info here to draw conclusions. I could hypothesize, but I guess more DATA would be helpful.

What OTHER changes have been happening? Personality, appearance, energy level, etc.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by kily:
<strong>TH-

I guess your question just raises questions. Ther eisn't enough info here to draw conclusions. I could hypothesize, but I guess more DATA would be helpful.

What OTHER changes have been happening? Personality, appearance, energy level, etc.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">*CHUCKLES*

Yes, it does! And I think the conclusions are what I am scared of.

More data, I think most is posted around this baord somewhere but the only HUGE event that took place then was a miscarriage she had in August of 1998. After this she had a slew of other health related problems that Doctors could never find an answer for.

Because I am scared of where this may take me I'll limit the data to that little titbit of information and approach it cautiously.

It's just something about the "Gut Instinct" that makes me scared to follow through.

<small>[ January 20, 2003, 09:18 AM: Message edited by: trusting her ]</small>

All I can say is go with your Gut Instinct. Gut Instincts are pretty good. I had a gut instinct when I thought my husband was having an affair. He was! About money leaving the house, he took it. Many other things, found to be true.

But you know the person to ask is her. And if she is vague, ask her if she needs to take classes to help her in her writing. Or maybe she would like for the two of you to do this together. Or somehow to get the desire back to write. Just my opinion. Thanks.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Faith4me:
<strong>All I can say is go with your Gut Instinct. Gut Instincts are pretty good. </strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My gut instinct is only after the discovery of this relationship with this OM and the reading of "Torn Asunder" but as I think back little things seem to pop up.

Ever since we first started counseling I have felt that a good portion of my wifes feelings for me stemmed from that miscaraige. That somehow she blamed me for it due to financial stress and eas either mad at me and never expressed it or that she never got to grief the loss of that child.

Now, as I play back history in my mind I wonder if this 9 month EA as really a 5 year affair. As she has attempted to explain how he is just a close friend she has made statements that show a friendship back into early 98. Crying on his shoulders, expressing her fears and things such as this.

I keep thinking that something traumatic had to happen for her to just stop writing in these journals. She was consistent from 1991 to 1998 then just POOF, all writing stops.

But after reading these again yesterday some of the statements she makes in them are completely false. She stated that we were both so happy to be having a new baby on the way. In reality she wa terrified. So terrified that she did not want to tell her parents. That her and Daddy took comfort in knowing the peace of God during this time, but that was never expressed to me. I tried to comfort her, have her explain or just let her know that I was there for her but never a discussion on the peace of God.

If I ask her about it today she just says "I read some pamplets, talked to some people and just dealt with it. With a hint of anger also.

Am I trying to rewrite history also? This has just been a ligering thought ever since I started IC back in July of 2001.

TH-

Are you wondering if the child was yours?

From what I've read, it sounds like the possibility is swimming around inside of your head. If not, then I apologize for any insinuations.

What do you recall about her feelings towards the pregnancy? What was going on that contributed to her fears?

It is normal for some mothers to feel conflicted when they conceive because their life is changing in such a drastic way. Could her fears have been just based on all of teh family and financial changes that were about to occurr?

kily--

Are you wondering if the child was yours? Yes

From what I've read, it sounds like the possibility is swimming around inside of your head. If not, then I apologize for any insinuations.

No apology necessary, those thought are swimming around up there.

What do you recall about her feelings towards the pregnancy? What was going on that contributed to her fears?

She as terrified. She was scared to tell anyone when we first found out. At that time we had already had 3 with no complications or problems. The youngest was 1 1/2 at this time and she was still breast feeding. There were financial troubles at that time, something that I was accustomed to even in childhood, something that she was not. The striking remark that I remember now is when she told me "You must get a job that keeps you home. Was this because of the stress of raising children and me having to travel or the result of feelings that she was having for someone else and thought that with me being home they would go away. It's just a lingering thought as I attempt to try to put together the puzzle that she has given me.

It is normal for some mothers to feel conflicted when they conceive because their life is changing in such a drastic way. Could her fears have been just based on all of teh family and financial changes that were about to occurr?

All of these are possible but bottom line I have a very strong wife. She has always risen above the rest in tough situations. Just the type to dig in and keep going. While the financial stress could have been a problem I sometimes find that hard to accept. I have searched my heart trying to figure out why she is so severely depressed and it alwyas seems to come back to this. Either she blames me or herself for the loss somehow, she never really grieved this loss, or the child could possibly been someone elses.

TH-

I meant to address you yesterday, but things got hectic.

My next question to you is have you asked your wife anythign about THIS issue at all? It seems like you don't want to open a pandora's box, but you are suffering in silence.

Perhaps just voicing your issues to her will be enough to free something that's been building inside. Acknowledging your feelings is hard to do, but once you do, that weight will lift from your heart.

I would then ask you to consider what the outcome would be if your suspicions are confirmed. How would YOU deal with it. What typre of impact would it have on your M?

kily

My next question to you is have you asked your wife anythign about THIS issue at all? It seems like you don't want to open a pandora's box, but you are suffering in silence.

Yes, I have asked on several times.

The journals - She responded that all she wanted to do was get into bed before I got there so she could be asleep before I got there. But.....if you read the journals, the words do not tie back to these statements. Either she was writing lies or trying to write something that would make her believe that she still had feelings for me. I have even gone back and ead all of them from 1991 and they are pretty consisent over the years about our life. Even the comments she made in them early 1998 about me. The only thing really out of context is the comments made about the pregnency. She writes that we were happy but in reality she was terrified. Me, I just knew that if another child came along I would just bite the bullet as in the past and make ends meet.

The mis-carriage - Yes, the questions have been asked. Answers like "I read a few pamplets, talked with some folks and just dealt with it." If I ask if she blames me she says no, that it was just God's will for us not to have this child. Is there anger of bitterness in her when she says this? I can't really tell. I have just felt that a good portion of our problems stem from this time period.

I guess these feelings stem from the theory of:

1. She blames me for the miscarriage. Either the SF we had in July or the financial stress that we were under at that time.

2. She blames herself for the miscariage. She attempted to move a heavy park bench in mid July and remembers feeling strained when she did this.

3. She had already shut down emotionaly at that time and never got to grieve the loss of this child. She did have signs of depression and other sympthoms that the doctors could never find a cause for.

4. Post-partum depression. Yes, I know it's a far fetched idea but the Doctor's told her that the baby was already dead so she went in and had a D&C done. I know the emotional effects of an abortion as 2 of my sisters had this and even today they still sometimes suffer form it. Did my wife feel that because she never truely had a miscarriage that she considers it an abortion in her mind and somewhow suffers from this.

I guess it really stems from a comment she made back in October concerning our financial problems at that time. She sated that she could not deal with the stress and the anger of that time period. To cope with it she supressed it, pretended that it never happened. Just shut it out. And when she shut it out I went with it. Now this was in 1998, she only expressed this to me in 2002. If ny wife shut me out in 1998 can I meet any of her EN's or has she somehow blocked herself from receiving them?

Geez, I know I'm getting deep here. It's just a gut feeling I have. Not that it may not be mine but that this miscarriage somehow ties in to our current problems. I keep asking myself if I am somehow trying to absolve blame from myself but I do not think so. I have gone to her and confessed, asked fogivness, made changes in me that even she sees and notices. It just seems that nothing I do gets into her somehow. And after 7 months of Plan A, I guess I am looking for that preverbial "needle in a haystack" that will slove all of our problems.

I would then ask you to consider what the outcome would be if your suspicions are confirmed. How would YOU deal with it. What typre of impact would it have on your M?

None, I love my wife. I would like to one day see the woman I maried come back home completly, feelings, emotions, smiles and happiness.