My WH had told me many times after his A, his second one in 23 yrs, that I have to trust him now or our marriage will not work. Is your WS demanding trust?
Anyone else dealing with this? Sorry, but I do not nor will I completely trust ever again. Because to do so I'd have to be with him 24/7, know where he is at all times, access to phones and computers, etc.
Hey, after all the promises after first A in 1978, lies until I learned the truth in 96, then another A in 2001, I am not about to give blind trust anymore. It hurts too much when it's breached!
Better to be alert and not be caught unawares!
I'd rather have total honesty and have him come say he's met someone he wants or just had to try out. Then I could exercise my right to say, go ahead, after the divorce is filed!
My rights have been violated big time. And I will not give trust again. Even when he seems to be earning it. Because he did the same before. Vows, promises, on knees in church, etc.
I may get hit by lightening twice and survive, but I'm sure not going to stand in the open when it's storming again. I will take very precaution necessary to not be struck unawares again!
Ok, any replies? Thank you, LouLou

Your marriage will not work unless he ACTS trustworthy. Only a CRAZY person would trust an untrustworthy person. The onus is on *HIM*, not you, to rebuild trust. You obviously cannot rebuild what he has destroyed. He has to work hard to rebuild that trust. You can't do that for him nor should you give trust to an undeserving person.

My DH said to me in a very self righteous tone once: "YOU MEAN YOU DON'T TRUST ME???" I about fell out of my chair laughing!! I responded, OF COURSE I DON'T TRUST YOU, you are untrustworthy. That wiped the self righteous, persecuted look right off his face. He has never asked me something so stupid ever since.

I should add that he DID reprove himself to me and I trust him quite a bit. I live in peace today because he worked hard to rebuild the trust he destroyed. But I will NEVER ever blindly trust anyone again. My motto is 'trust, but verify.'

Oh, you bet. My answer was, "I most certainly do NOT have to trust you, and I WILL NOT trust you unless and until you can prove to me that I should. I need actions, not words, and I will believe them when I see them.

His response was to snarl, "Well, isn't THAT convenient!" and get very, very angry.

I do not understand this attitude -- this complete and impenetrable solid stone wall when it comes to anything about him and his co-workers. It has been there from day one. He says he wants to "fix this," but the solid stone wall is not to be touched. I do not understand this. I just don't.

Melody, amen and amen. LOL
Yes, mine is working hard to regain trust. But that isn't going to come again, not totally. While he may think it has, I will still verify, verify and verify. Always!
Twice bitten and very shy now! He still gets upset if he thinks I check emails, phones, etc. But hey, I'll still do it and I have no dead line to stop.
I don't ever want to be caught unawares again. I trusted again after first A, but not now.
God bless, LouLou. P.S. laughing with you!

I don't have quit the same problem but it's similar.

My W has said several times that she will never again do soemthing like this. My response has been and will be "Do NOT tell me that".

We discussed trust prior to the A in "normal" conversations about our marriage and now that she has taken the path of having an A, I find the promises a little hollow. My response to her "promise" that it wont happen again is that she had best pack up and leave BEFORE I find out next time and do not ever again make that kind of promise to me. Quit frankly, I just don't want to hear it.

I am dealing with a situation with my husband right now where I do not trust him completely although I feel like he is working very hard to earn that trust back (My situation posted under Cheating or Not??) - with words of course but I'm not sure if he is displaying actions that show me I should trust him. What types of actions should I be looking for?

Trust is given only when earned.

Ahhhh...the trust issue! What they, the WS, wants to reclaim so badly...and can't understand why it's such a hard thing to do!

I asked my H how many $100 bills he would give to me if when he did...I took each one and tore it to shreds???? He said...not very many! I asked...how come...didn't he trust me not to shred the next one?

He worked VERY hard to reclaim the trust he shredded. He was pretty successful in doing so...but...that complete trust I held was built up over 20 years, he's not nearly at that level today!

All wonderful replies. May I add some perspective from the WS brain - mind you I'm well past some of this, but wanted to help you understand a couple of things.

Capfo writes: "My W has said several times that she will never again do soemthing like this. My response has been and will be "Do NOT tell me that"."

- Try to understand that this is her way of reaching out to you and trying to reassure you that she desires and is working toward healing WITH you. Keep in mind that she most likely knows how painful that statement may be, that she is making herself vulnerable when she says this - open for ridicule, but that she is reaching out to you and saying that she has messed up royale, she is working with you to rebuild all she has destroyed and possibly that she can see how it happened, where she went wrong, what she almost lost and that she will be on an even stronger guard to ensure the love you share is safe. One day, hopefully, she will give you every reason to believe that is true. However, it will take a lot, a lot of time.

ladylou writes: "He still gets upset if he thinks I check emails, phones, etc. But hey, I'll still do it and I have no dead line to stop."

- You are absolutely right. I hate to say it, but if he still gets upset then he may still have something to hide. I have spent the last 1 1/2 yrs. rebuilding with my DH, and to this day I don't mind if he were to check e-mails, etc. He says it's an invasion of my privacy and he won't do that, but in turn I tell him that when I hurt our marriage I gave up that privacy and he has every right to and that I understand. I hope one day soon your DH can see this and feel the same way. It's a two way street, and he seems to be driving a little left of center.

just a wifey writes: "He worked VERY hard to reclaim the trust he shredded. He was pretty successful in doing so...but...that complete trust I held was built up over 20 years, he's not nearly at that level today!"

- How true that is. It's hard to accept once we (WS) realize the volume of damage we have inflicted on the years of love and history shared.

"What they, the WS, wants to reclaim so badly...and can't understand why it's such a hard thing to do!"

- You know why this is (and this is the part I'm past)? It's because they guard themselves from feeling the pain that their BS feels. See, to understand this, they have to really "feel" the pain they have inflicted - and as you all know that is the worst. Once they feel that pain, they will understand.

I wish you all the best, and pray that your progress with your spouses continue in a positive and productive manner.

I don't expect my H to totally trust me and I expect him to check up on me. I am working very diligently at being accountable for every minute I am away from him. I don't need him to check up on me, but I appreciate his care and concern in checking. It makes me feel protected. I really would not mind him digging into any aspect of my life. I may be in the minority but having him check on me makes me feel secure.

I understand some of the pain I caused but I can never really feel what he has been put through. There must be other FWS's who feel that checking is a way to show that the spouse cares.

In addition KC, allowing them to check with no friction shows the BS that the WS cares as well. It says, I respect you and your feelings. I agree with what you said. I too have no problem with this.

Princess0413 and others, thank you for your honest replies.
Princess, I, too, felt there was something to hide if he gets upset.
So just in the last day he has agreed all emails are open territory to read. I can check his side and he can check mine. LOL The only reason he would check mine is he thinks I'll write her or check up on her too!
Well, I have been checking since I found out Sept. 2001! You bet I've combed the internet checking email sites too. I've also kept track of her and her email names. I'm far from stupid and will not be unawares next time if there is one.
I noticed he was always cleaning the files and history after each visit online, and that was upsetting me. I noticed today he left it when I went on so I checked it. Then tonight he had cleaned after his second visit online.
WE do have three of us using the computer, our son does and we have a habit of cleaning caches and history to keep from building up. But I'm still watching this habit of his to see if he feels like allowing me to see where he's been.
This is a step up to have him agree to my looking at his mail anytime I want to. He screamed privacy before and that he was doing nothing. Well, as Dr. Phil says, if you've nothing to hide, you hide nothing!
Since this is My WH second betrayal, and many other breaches of trust, I will not willingly give trust anymore. I will verify as often as I please.
Even without his permission, I would still and did do it. how else would I have found out where and who he was with. That is probably what irks him the most is he got caught even though he had secret emails and such.
So, it's my way now or the highway for one of us!
I agree, any WS wishing to rebuild trust and restore the marriage must give up certain rights.
And I do believe there should be nothing secret between spouses. I say when you marry, you joined as one so everything is open territory. There can be no secret friends, phones, emails, going out without spouse in recreation unless we're allowed to verify it.
And definitely no friends of opposite sex unless we're all together!
If one prefers this freedom, then marriage is not the place for them.
Thanks again all, I really appreciate your responses and input. LouLou

Lou,
there is actually an article on this site by Steve Harley that says spouses shouldn't trust each other 100%. It opens the door to bad things happening. He even said, I don't trust my wife 100%, that is what helps keep us on track and out of trouble. Not an exact quote but just my way of saying I agree. Once it is violated and the WS learns blind trust is bad, keep it that way.
Layli

Layli, thank you. I need to go read that article and copy it out.
I appreciate everyone on here and thank you for posting. God bless, LouLou

My wayward spouse says that to me. We are getting a divorce, and he still says that to me. There is no evidence of trust in this man. There is no evidence of him even caring about me. So until he can show trust, and not just WORDS, ACTIONS, that is what he is going to get, no TRRUST.

They are the ones screwing someone else, taking our money, lieing, cheating and being selfish. We are to trust them. NO!

My unrepentent, nonrecovering WS told me that I just had to trust him or it would never work.

My recovering husband does not even to this day, expect trust from me. In fact, when I am upset or suspicious or triggered (rarely anymore, because he has acted in a trustworthy fashion), his immediate response is: I know you can't/don't trust me, here's where I've been...you can call to verify, etc.

Any WS demanding trust with no effort to provide verification or proof is simply covering a lie.

Bramble Rose - Good for you and your husband. He is recovering, and he is understanding the trust issue. What they have done, is beyond any hurt they have ever felt. They don't know the heart pain, the torn shredded heart, bleeding, and dripping blood.

But good for you and your husband. Maybe my husband and I will beable to recover. But for now I see nothing in the future. He is so on the opposite side of the fence. The counselor I am seeing saw my husband for one session. Even my Dr. told me the same. That my husband is in need of psychiatric help. He is a man with a explosive bomb in him. It is sad, when one does not see that he needs help. Serious, professional help.

A repentent spouse, giving up all his privacy, making himself vulnerable, is the one that wants recovery, and wants to mend the pain he has caused his spouse and family. Their are many of us here that don't have that.

Good for you ...rose, give your husband a big hug for me. A hug of giving up his privacy. A hug of saying, that I am proud of him for showing his repentence. God be with the two of you!

I have been meaning to respond to this thread...

I too have heard this phrase, many times, after FWH told me about A, and months later when I found emails proving continued contact. I even heard it up until last week. Each time my response was based on his past lies and deceit. "How do I know it is 'real' this time?" my heart would cry out.

Several days ago (when you posted this thread), we had a discussion about something unrelated to A, and my H said that really this matter didn't matter in the grand scheme of things (sand in the jar was his words), that our M was the most important thing. Then he spoke these words "It is okay to doubt me, but know that it is safe for you to love me" He didn't use the 'trust' word there, he used 'safe'. What my soul has been crying for and never articulated to him. I felt such a weight lift off me. A huge sigh escaped (I am so tired of the internal war) and I just cried (don't do that easyily).

This doesn't mean that trust is there, but I know I stepped one step closer in that moment. In the past few days when my 'taker' has screamed, or I am plagued by doubt...I remember that word 'safe'.

Isn't that what we all want back in some way? To feel that we are protected and cared for. That it is safe to love again?

God bless each of you here. Am thankful that I have the people here to hold my hand in the darkest hours....
AG

My WH has asked me several times 'Don't you trust me?', to which I have retorted 'Do YOU trust you?' And he doesn't, so he understand my distrust.

In the six months since d-day, my WH intermittently gave me access to his email and mobile phones. Access was withdrawn each time I uncovered contact of some kind, then given back if I really made a scene about it. His reasoning was that he was so expert at hiding things from me, it wouldn't be hard to set up a different email account, etc., so that my checking up isn't that much of a test. He emphasised his need to earn my respect through being honest about contact. I THINK he's been honest, although the delay between communication and admitting it is longer than I'd like.

I can understand his rationale, but clearly it leaves him with the power to lie, and deprives me of the capacity to confirm his absolute honesty. However, I know that he is devious enough to find lots of ways to contact OW (she is, after all, OW#4 - he has had seven years' of experience at fibbing), so I can see no point in doing the PI bit with him. If he is lying, I am pretty sure I will discover this in time - the truth tends to out, AND I am no longer scared to ask the difficult questions.

It is up to him to prove that he is worthy of trust. If he doesn't, he'll lose me, and he knows it.

Just recently mine ask me if I didnt' trust him by now as he's been a model H.
I said no, trust but verify is what I'll do. He did agree to stop cleaning the history until I see it. We did have a habit, son and us of cleaning each time we're on. And each of us is on everyday.
But with my daughter now experienceing health problems and probably going for surgery in 3 months, I ask him to give me peace of mind on this one thing. And he agreed. So I can check it now. Also, I walk through where I can see screen and know if he's off on another site or email.
He had secret email accts. but we caught him anyway,son and I. It was easy. I just went to sites son had seen him on, typed in his info for forgotten password and id and got it. that's how I found the emails between them.

Now I simply check into many sites and check to see if he's registered. Doesn't always work if they put false info, so I suggest the spy tool Melody talks about. I ask her to write about it for me on another thread.
My understanding is there are some for about $40 and it's well worth it for the peace of mind!
I just need to get it, have my son install so it's done right. I'm not a whiz on the puter.
If I ever found another contact, i'd quit trying and just file. I will not continue under the lies and deceit anymore with him. Twice bitten, and very shy now.
Funny how the Ws wants to demand trust or it's over! What the he-- do they think they've done to earn full trust after hurting us the way they have. Nope. no more blind trust from me.
No more privacy for him. Besides, a married couple are not supposed to have private lives from each other. Nothing is private when you become one!Except maybe going to the bathroom!LOL
LouLou