I'm thinking that I should be happier. My Plan A seems to be working as instructed by Steve. My WS seems to be trying to end his A. We are talking more, he calls me to tell me when he will be home and he is there at that time. In other words, there seems to be some hope.

However, I feel even SADDER. I want to sob every night when I get in bed beside him. I thought it was because I didn't take the antidepressants the other day. However, I'm still feeling that way with the meds. I am sleeping better so maybe I'm less anxious. But wow do I feel sad? Do you guys think that this is because the shock and denial have worn off and I am beginning to have to face the reality that my H has been "loving on" another woman. It is such a devastating thought. It's a nightmare that I am not waking up out of.

Any thoughts, feedback would be helpful.

Wow Mimi!
It's only been 21 days since you found out!!!!???? I would say ANYTHING is normal at this stage of the game. Anything and everything.

You will feel sadder and tomorrow, not as sad. The next day you will feel twice as sad as two days before. The next day not quite as bad. Then, before you know it, you've been not so bad for 2 days in a row!!! Wow!

I've discovered that the best days are Monday (shocking, I know) because I have just spent 2 days with my H and so I'm not nearly as sad or upset as I am on say, Friday, when we don't see as much of each other on Thursday, when he bowls and gets home after I've gone to bed. Fridays can be bad....

Time, time, time. Spend it with your H and it will make you feel better. Harley suggest 15 hours a week. You'll start to feel better soon. Hang in there, keep posting and read EVERYTHING on this site.
Good luck,
DB

I have been through it.

What I found was that when the adrenaline of fighting for my marriage wore off (heart racing, rapid weight loss, unable to sleep, putting in alot of effort, putting on a good faced etc.)

after d- day there was 6 weeks of continued A, then 6 weeks of dribbly drabbly continued contact- phone calls here and there.....

I threatened Plan B and that put an end to all of it.

Then my H was in withdrawal, trying but not putting in alot of effort, in the let's go on and forget it happened mode. So that fall, 5 or 6 months after Dday I fell into a deep deep depression. Cried everyday, in bed most of the day, felt suicidal etc.

I found Antidepressants were essential- I should have gotten on them sooner. Also my doc had to increase the dose several times. If you're crying your eyes out alot it could mean you need a higher dose.

Anyway it's normal to cry. A's are sad.

mimi - how long have you been on the meds? It takes up to 8 weeks for anti-d's to start working. Also, keep in mind that some people have to switch meds before they find one that works for them.

WAT

<small>[ January 21, 2003, 06:56 PM: Message edited by: kings kid ]</small>

Mimi-

It's been almost 8 months since my D-day and I still have days like that. I keep wondering if they will ever end. It has gotten better with each day, I don't dwell on it as much. I always thought anti-d med were for "Crazy" people only. It took 4 1/2 months unitl I finally HAD to get on them. Down to 103 lbs and friends and family thought I was going to be put in the "Crazy House". It took a while for the meds to work but I think I am finally on the road up. Thank God!!!

Question for anyone with answer. Does the feelings of hurt ever go away or will this be something I have to deal with for a long time?

Mimi,

You are no longer diverted with having to chase him down and worry yourself sick all the time. Now you have time to be alone with your feelings and they are VERY HURT and VERY DAMAGED, hon. You are devastated. You are going through one of the most horrible experiences a human can endure: the betrayal by the one who is supposed to love, cherish and protect you.

That is a terrible trauma that I would place right up there with the death of a child. It is right in the same league. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Mimi1254, meds take time, but the anytime depression is situational, it's there before us all the time. They do help and as many have said here, you may need a larger dose. But the one thing my counselor told me is they only can bring you up to a certain level, then the rest is up to you and H.
Feeling Tainted! I can only answer for myself and we know all are not alike. NO, my pain has never completely gone away and it's been 24 yrs since first A and over a year since second one. All I say for me is it only gets duller, then things will trigger it and it's like happening all over again anew!
I do know some people get completely over it, but that depends on their S also. How you restore and rebuild the feelings and security in the marriage is most important. As long as there are doubts, which I have, it isn't going to ever be the way it was. Not for me. Pain has become a way of life, sadly, for me. After so many years, then 5 yrs of therapy, meds and hospitalization, I was just coping finally when he did this again and worse this time.
I hope you hear some really good success stories that will encourage you.Some where others have totally healed. Because living the rest of ones life in pain, even if it's dulled, is horrible.
We're trying to rebuild, But truthfully, I wish I'd gotten out 24 yrs ago so I wouldn't have had to endure it all over again.
God bless, LouLou

Mimi,

Sorry your feeling so sad. My D day was one day before yours so we are sort of in the same place. I too am having a good plan A, doing all the things that your doing to make it work. But when I find myself alone and reflect on what has happened to my life I am also sad. The thing that I have found that works the best is to take care of myself. Have you been doing things for you? Things like workingout, seeing and talking to friends, reading a good book, what ever makes you feel good. I know it's hard to keep your mind on things and that the thought of doing fun things seems so frivolous but after a while you'll see how much better you will feel and that for a short time you were thinking about something else.

I'm so happy that you and your H are trying to work things out and it sounds like your off to a good start. There will, I'm sure be plenty of good and bad days for both of us. Keep posting, everyone is here to help you. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Used

Used,
I'd love to hear about your Plan A strategies. What has been your WS' response? Is he talking to you about the A? Has he told you what he is doing about the OW? My WS refuses to talk about the A with me.

Mimi,

My planA has been rather by the seat of my pants, day by day. I decided when my H came clean with me that I only wanted just so much info. It was hard enough to know he had been unfaithful, and virtually living with someone else right under my nose without all the gory details.

I also have pretty much kept my snooping to a minimum. I'm not saying I haven't done any, but I always tell him when I do and what I've found out. Not always recommended here but it seems to work for me. I don't even know her name and don't want to unless this doesn't work and I have to drag us all to court.

In a lot of ways I'm luckier than most because OW lives in another state (they met when my husband worked there the last 2 years, commuting on the weekends) I am also lucky because she thinks he should be with his family.

I do try to be as upbeat as possible, when he seems to be going into one of those depressed moments when he's in withdrawal, if I'm in a good place I talk to him and let him talk to me. If I'm not in a good place I let him alone 'cause it's not worth a fight. I am trying to provide some of the things that I think may have been missing in our relationship after so many years. Being more affectionate being the big one.

I don't bring up the A that often. Usually I just ask if he has had contact. And I don't ask what I don't want to really know. I guess I really am curious what she looks like and what her personality is like but since it won't change anything why go thru it.

There are days when I look at my H and think, you sob you have ruined my life and changed my way of living and thinking forever and I hate you. But I don't really hate him, if I did I would have left the minute he started telling me his sorid story. In the begining I did a lot of lamaz breathing to relax and workingout seems to help (and believe me I am no gym rat).

You said you feel sad and I know what you mean, I feel sad lots of times. When I feel really down I try to spend some time with my kids. If they are not around I try to find anything to take my mind off of the A. I like to read so I do that.

You and I have both been married a long time and I think that's part of what makes this so hard for me, I thought we were past all this. I haven't tried anti-D but in general I'm a pretty upbeat person and I haven't yet felt the need for them, but if they help I'm all for them.

You said when you get in bed with him you want to sob, are you comfortable enough to reach out and hug your H when you feel that way. The contact might be reasuring, knowing you can feel him there beside you, that he chose to stay.

I don't know if this helps but I do know that without the people here to talk to I would have been a walking basket case. The best thing for me was having someone who understood what I was going thru, who didn't have a vested interest in me or my H. Let me know how your doing and I'll be thinking about you.

Used

I don't know what I would do without you folks on this Board. It helps so much to have people who understand. The similarities between our stories, feelings and concerns are amazing. You all provide such helpful feedback. One of my WS' major gripes is that I am a know-it-all,not letting him be the man. I guess a part of that is not being able to hold back, being too impatient, wanting to put my nose into everything.

Used: I wish I did not know as much as I do about the OW. I think that is one of my major problems. She is very young and very pretty. She looks very different than me. Not at all what I would have expected. My WS continues to find me attractive and he initiates sex with me. He has implied that the OW and I are different and that their relationship is not about sex. However, I can't help but feel jealous about the age. Also, she is not as educated as I am and of a different class. You see, she is not threat to him, can easily make him feel like the Big Daddy. It would be very difficult for me to play that role. The good part is that she would not be socially accepted and my husband's friends are repulsed since she is close to the same age as their daughters. Steve H. says he knows he needs to end it but you can understand the addiction for a middle-aged man.

Also I feel its kind of dangerous for me not to know as much as possible about her. I have this thought that she is my enemy, trying to destroy my life. I believe that she's a golddigger, partly out for money; she was the receptionist for our accountant so knows all about our financial status. I know where she lives, where she works, what kind of car she drives. I've never really seen her face to face. I drove by her slowly one time and she started to run inside the house. That was kind of funny!

Thanks again everybody!

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: mimi1254 ]</small>