First of all I would like to express my appreciation for all of your advice. I am very well able to take this advice and apply it to my situation and and take what I want and need from that.

This past year has been a very long and painful one for me. The first few months of that were spend feeling very lost and devistated. I was very dependant on my H both financially and perhaps too much more so in other ways. I had a lot of time to myself to think and reflect on many things. In looking back through our marriage, I think we both needed some time away from each other to find ourselves as individuals. It is unfortunate that OW endered into this process for my H.

I took control of my life rather than continuing to be the victim. I worked a lot on improving my life and making mine and my childrens lives the best that it could be considering. My self esteem has improved and I now realize that I am a very capable person. I can look after myself my children, house etc. on my own and do it well. I have started back working which has also given me added security so I am not so financially dependant. I have looked very deep into myself and understant that I do play a role in the affair but that in no way justifies my H having an affair. I have been there for my children one hundred percent talking, explaining and seeking help and advice from their pediatrition on how to deal with various situations. I am a good mother and I have maintained a very stable home here for them - even though our marriage was so unstable. I have been to my doctor and been put on antidepressants - I was very aware that I needed this to assist me in my situation (best thing I could have done). I feel good about myself as a person and as a parent, and ready to claim my part in the break down of our marriage. This was a long process for me but I have done the work and continue to do so every day.

It was only 3 months ago that I discovered my H was having an A. I think I always knew down deep but denial protected me as I don't think I would have handled it well in the beginning (not that it is ever handled well at anytime) but I was stronger when I learned of it.

I feel no SHAME in contacting the other woman and feel no regrets. I think what I did was a very normal and human reaction. Let me put this into perspective for those of you who may not agree. I answered my H's cell phone and this woman had the nerve to say she had the wrong number. She has always known about me, granted my H has not been entirely honest with her either. This was my opportunity to make my self REAL to her and clarify some to the lies she had been told. This was done very calmly and straight forward (evern though I very humanly wanted to crawl through the phone and strangle her). I contacted her one other time as I mentioned in an above post as she was to continuing to contact my H when she had been asked not to. This contact was to let her know that my H and I were working together. So her continued contact was not due to my contact with her .... it was her own attempt at manipulating the situation.

I came to this board for help at a time when I was feeling insecure and perhaps not receiving the assurance from my H that I needed - I had also talked to him about how I was feeling, but was looking for some other insight from others - I realize that I need to be very aware. I love my H with all my heart he is a good man who has always been honest with me up until this A. He is a good person that did a bad thing and has a lot of regrets.

Worthatry - I know you have been here also and you probably have a lot of good advice to give and any of that is welcomed. This is not coming through well in your posts... I feel like I am being attacted and with all due respect that's not what I came here for. I do my best to conduct myself in a possitive manner and I have nothing to feel shameful about. Weather you agree or disagree with this things you have read in my posts I think some tact still needs to be used. Riding my but is not a useful support for me.

Worthatry, sorry for the stupid comments... I felt like I was being attacked and had to defend myself... Not sure why, insecurities I guess?? However I realize that you are taking time out of your day to help a perfect stranger… For that I Thank You very very much.

Yes I have agreed to no contact.

MelodyLane, thank you for writing and posting that! Yes these ideas are “radical”. I have often tried to hide the bad in my life from my wife… The day I took off was to see my financial advisor… This was not good news. We are lucky that we do know much about our history as we were friends and attended High School together. We married 12 years after graduating and after many “other” relationships. In High School my wife was the girl you married not a girl you dated and she remains this way today. Consequently I’m reluctant to share some of my thoughts and ides with her.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by crazy4you2:
<strong> In High School my wife was the girl you married not a girl you dated and she remains this way today. Consequently I'm reluctant to share some of my thoughts and ides with her.</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Mr.Crazy,
First I'd like to say GOOD FOR YOU BOTH!!! Staying and working on your M is difficult at best and gut-wrenchinly hard at worst.
Secondly, I just would like to say that your wife might surprise you once you take her down from the pedestal you have her on. (not bashing ya, I think your comments were very sweet)
Don't be reluctant to share anything with her...she may even have options you had never considered. She comes across as a very intelligent woman that now has a backbone made out of sharply honed steel! (good for her <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )
Use her as a sounding board for your thoughts, ideas and dreams...Thats why God made her for you! She is as much YOUR partner in life as YOU are hers.
I see a very bright future for you both, as you've learned what you stand to lose. I think you'll both do fine.

Best of luck and God bless

Nutcase : Thank you for your kind words. Funny you should say that my H should take me down off that pedistal .... I have often thought of that myself and mentioned it too him also. Sometimes he may not be totally realistic in his understanding of me. I have also become a lot more independant and have changed a lot in my thinking.

Your words are very encouraging -- thank you again.

Crazy4you... Your correct when you day I don&#8217;t understand you... but I know that.

I was told one that &#8220;men and women really don&#8217;t understand one another but men know we don&#8217;t understand women and women think they understand us&#8221;.

Who knows??

Love ya!