Philip,
This is one of the hardest letters I have ever had to write. These last 6 months have
been devastating for me. The last month unbearable agony. I believe the human heart has
an infinite capacity to love. I also believe there is only so much suffering I can voluntarily
endure.
I have done a lot of thinking about us over the last month. Over the last 6 months. I
have thought about the mistakes we have both made. What, if anything, we could do to have
a better marriage, a stronger marriage. If we could make it.
I still believe we can make it. But, there is another solid conclusion I have come to
this last month. Something, actually 2 things that can’t go on.
No matter how much I want to be there for you I can no longer do so while you are
living with her. Until you are ready to come home I have to insist on no contact. Unless
necessary like tax or bill issues.
This means no phone calls, no IM’s, no emails. Not until you can call and say you
are ready to come home. Philip, it is just too hard on me. For one, it makes me feel like the
other woman which is very devaluing to me. Secondly, it hurts me too much knowing how
miserable you are and yet you choose to be there instead of here.
Actions speak louder than words and due to past hurts it is hard for me to trust you
right now or believe anything you have to say. I need to live in the here and now, not in a
hurtful past or uncertain future.
When I asked you Saturday if you wanted me out of the house when you came home
you said, “It doesn’t matter either way.” So me being here for you has no bearing on your
decision? The way it came out indicated indifference on your part. That makes me sad
because when you called that first Saturday I did everything I could to reassure you I would
be here for you.
That is the second thing I am done with. Your indifference to me through all of this
has hurt me possibly the most. To keep my heart open and hopeful to you right now is too
hurtful for me. I have to look out for my feelings as you appear unable or unwilling to at
this time. I have to find happiness within myself whether you choose to be a part of my life
or not.
I deserve that. I am in no way saying I was the perfect wife. I am saying I am
pleased with the efforts I have made to be accountable for what I did to contribute to the
situation and the steps I have taken to change. I know I have given this my all. Now it just
feels like I am running on an empty gas tank and you putting forth some effort is the only
way it will get filled. So now it is your turn.
No one can make you happy. Being with you made me happy. Being your wife
made me happy. You choose happiness and who is a part of your happiness.
I am not doing this because I don’t love you. It is the opposite. I am doing this to
protect the love I still have for you. It is about setting reasonable boundaries. Just because I
love you doesn’t mean I have to accept being treated shabbily any longer.
If you choose for this to be the end for us I just wanted to thank you for being my
husband, for your love while it was mine to cherish and for your affection and admiration.
Goodbye my love.
I hope I did ok. This was one of the hardest things to do. I guess I am looking for input from you guys. I know it had to be mailed. I just hope I did it right.
Let me know,
thanks guys,
Layli

Layli, that was extremely powerful and loving. I think you did FANTASTIC. You stood up for yourself and still remained loving. You've done what you can...now you're protecting yourself and what love you have left. GOOD FOR YOU!!!

You did good!! You are protecting yourself and the love you have for your husband.

I hope that you have some place lined up to be when he comes back, you need to stay strong when he does come back, it will be hard, but you can do it look at how far you have come and all the things you have done thus far!!!!!

Dawn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope and Daybreak,
Thanks for your replies. I was so happy for the feedback. I am working 2 jobs trying to get my own place. It is hard because he has left me in such a financial bind.
I am working towards a better future though.
Thanks,
Love ya,
Layli

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 03:35 PM: Message edited by: layli ]</small>

Ditto to what hope4future said! The part of the letter that really moved me was

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">No one can make you happy. Being with you made me happy. Being your wife made me happy. You choose happiness and who is a part of your happiness.
I am not doing this because I don’t love you. It is the opposite. I am doing this to
protect the love I still have for you. It is about setting reasonable boundaries. Just because I love you doesn’t mean I have to accept being treated shabbily any longer.
If you choose for this to be the end for us I just wanted to thank you for being my
husband, for your love while it was mine to cherish and for your affection and admiration.
Goodbye my love. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I pray I don't have to write similar words any time soon, but really, the above words capture how I feel right now too (I've been toying with the idea of Plan B).

Loving yet with clear boundaries. Well written!!

Jen

Jen,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I have been following your story and I really hope you don't have to write one either but I can tell you one thing, what a relief. It felt good to say, hey, you can't treat me this way anymore.
I wish you well and hope your hubby pulls his head out. You in no way deserve how he has been with you. Good luck sweety and thanks for the feedback.
((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))
Layli

Thanks for your kind words Layli!!

just remember Jen, keep your chin up!
Hugs,
layli

Layli -- Your letter was beautiful and clear. I have been in plan B now for almost 4 months with very, very little contact about some financial issues. It is very hard at first.

I wanted to tell you that you should post as much as you need to right now to keep yourself from being tempted to break your plan B.

I see some signs of moving forward. My last contact with WH was that he had agreed to go to MC (which will be our only contact for now). Big step for him. WH is still not committed to the M.

My best to you.

Well done Layli - you said what you needed to say in a clear way with no disrespectful judgements or anger. Lance is right, if he can't see that for what he is, then more fool him.

It is now nearly 3 weeks since I spoke to H, and with all the recent anger and additional upset, in some ways it is better to know where YOU stand. And that is the key now, YOU

Look after yourself and thinking of you, wishing you strength and peace from London.

Lisa

Thanks for all the great support guys. I know it isn't going to be easy. I swear i am going to do it. If this doesn't wake him up I don't think I want him back.
Hugs,
Layli

that was excellent layli. I think I'm going to be writing mine within the next few weeks and I hope I can capture my own feelings half as well as you did.

I love your letter, and I echo what the others have said. You express your emotions very well, and I was moved as I read it. I hope he is moved when he reads it, not just to tears, but to action.

I always like to see it made crystal clear that their is a way back, and just what that way is. That is, on what terms you would accept him back into your life. ( If you are not completly finished)

If this doesn't wake him up I don't think I want him back.
Remember that often it does not. But the idea is to save your love for him for a time because almost all affairs end by them selves someday. I hope he does wake up though, so he doesn't loose you. I believe he is a very foolish man if he gives you up, in fact, I almost can't believe he is still away.

You seem very able to cope, I hope you feel as good as you sound in the letter.

SS

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 02:12 PM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Still seeking and starman,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I know even the plan B is a long shot. I credit my awesome support system here and my antidepressants for being able to think clearly.
I hope he wakes up, I hope if he doesn't he has a good life. I am just trying right now to not let that love turn to anger. I think it is the confidence I get from all of your strength that keeps me going.
(((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))
Layli