Things, on the whole, are going pretty great. I've been busier than I thought I would ever be in the last few months, but that's to be expected, considering all of the circumstances.

I finally moved into my new house on January 15th. The boys and I haven't even been here a week, and already it's "home". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> They have 1/2 of the basement as their playroom, and adore it! I enjoy it as well, as it keeps their toys off of the main floor! hehehe

My children's aid worker came for a house visit today. It was great to finally put a face to the name! She was here for just over one hour to go over my claims against H, and to tell me of their decision on my case. CAS has decided to take it to court, to request SUPERVISED visitation for H, for at least the next 6 months. That court date could be as early as next Thursday morning!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I'm not too thrilled at the thought of seeing H again. I haven't actually seen him since boxing day, and since then, I turned him into the police, who then arrested him on the child pornography possession charges. Needless to say, I'm sure he's pretty damn angry with me right now. Thankfully, part of his bail conditions include no contact or association with me at all. That makes me feel much more safe.

I'm also in semi "hiding" right now too. H, nor his family (or friends, to my knowledge), have any idea where the boys and I are at right now. It's important for me to keep a low profile right now, until custody is arranged through the courts. And at this point, I have no idea just how long that will take. All I know is that I'm applying for full custody, and that I will be getting interim custody before that.

I finally met with my lawyer last Thursday. I was kept from making an appt since I was out of town for one month (in the first women's shelter), and then boom! Christmas and New Year's helped me to lose 2 weeks of valuable time too (b/c everything is closed! argh!!!). But at least it's all been started. I'll be meeting with her again in the next couple of weeks, once I get my "homework" done for her (I'm stuck on the financial questionnaire, but it's vitally important as I'm filing for child support AND spousal support).

I've still got quite a few anger issues to deal with, regarding H's new girlfriend (who was sleeping at the house not even 3 weeks after I left for the shelter with the boys). I'm curious to know whether or not she's standing by him, now that he's up on such severe charges before the courts? I know it doesn't really matter any... but I'm still curious. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> However, it does bother me that it's bothering me... you know? Because it's not as though I want my H back or anything. I'm done with him now. I've tried my best to save my M, and I've accepted that. I don't even miss him. However, I am still mourning the M itself, and what it could have and should have been.

I still haven't slowed down to acknowledge all that I've accomplished in such a short span of time. I'm afraid that if I did, it would be too much for me to handle, so I find it easier to just keep on chugging along until there's a safe place to have a rest stop. But of course, MB is going to be my safe haven for (interactive) journalling and venting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I'm not sure when I'll have more to update. However, in the meantime, when I have the time, I'll do more reading on here, and try to update myself with everyone's situations (as best I can), and I'll keep on posting when I can too.

Karen

Wow, Karen, you are one strong woman. Way to go on making it through all the big transitions in your life. I remember reading one of your posts from way back when you were just beginning to consider getting out on your own to the shelter, and look at you now! Your three little ones have a wonderful mommy!

I am just a little curious....I recall one of your original beefs with your H, other than his infidelity, was his use of internet porn. How often did he use it? Did he rent videos too? The reason I'm asking is that my H sure used both of those things a lot, implying that I wasn't able to meet his needs, etc. I was foolish for thinking something along the lines of, "Oh well, if it keeps him happy and keeps him from pestering me every night, so be it." But when I read some of your old posts, which also talk about your H's emotional abuse of you....it gets me thinking. The more I have been reading, the more I'm realizing my H was emotionally abusive too. I'm wondering if there's a connection with men who are emotionally abusive and addicted to porn. What do you think?

Jen

<small>[ February 05, 2003, 04:41 PM: Message edited by: TheCalypso ]</small>

Jen: I ditto TheCalypso in her description of the correlation between porn and abuse. You would get a better understanding of it all if you read the book "Out of the Shadows" by Patrick Carnes. It is a book about sexual addiction, and the control issues involved by the addict. It also explains how we can become co-addicts, and become controlling ourselves, in our effort to control an uncontrollable situation. (whew! that's a tongue twister! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> ). I don't really know how often my H used porn. But like TheCalypso, I could tell when he was back into it, due to the same behavioural changes in him. Basically, the more stress was in his life, the more he would turn to his addiction. That was literally his escape (just like the "fog" - he needed to escape into that fantasy world). As far as me not being able to meet H's needs, that is true too. His sexual needs surpassed my comfort zone (and personal code of ethics?). His top fantasy being a "threesome" - something which I don't agree with for me. There were other things that we did, sexually, that I can now see I was forced into doing. I did it out of fear of losing my H to someone who WOULD do those things. Very sad. Very sad indeed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

TheCalypso: Thanks for the compliments. And I agree 100% with your definitions of the correlation between porn and abuse.

Karen

Hi Karen

Welcome back to MB - just wanted to let you know how glad I am that things are relatively settled for you (although big things to come of course).

You are an inspiration to us lesser women mortals out here, and your boys are very lucky to have such a wonderful Mum as you.

Wishing you well, and good luck over the coming weeks with court etc.

Lisa

P.S. Your H has a new girlfriend, so in essence, he's in an A right?

Hi Karen: I've been MIA for quite some time now. I saw your update and went back to read some of your history that I missed. You've been through quite a bit, and I applaud your courage and strength to do what was/is best for you and your boys. I wish you all the best life has to offer. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself.

will he is in to pron and it is with child in it what can I do to stop him from wathing this .
H is always mad at me or sons what can I do .
Can someone out there help me with this please.

thanks looking for you 2223

Lisa in London: Thank you for the compliments. I do hope that my boys will understand why I did this... someday. I'll always keep talking to them with age appropriate responses. Right now, we've moved to the new house b/c daddy made mummy very sad, and mad. I try not to remind Eric too much of his being hit... but I don't have to. He remembers it all too well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Yes, "in essence" my H is in an A again. Although, after his arrest on January 3rd, I'm curious as to whether or not they're still together. Their R was not even one month old at that point... so if she had any level of intelligence in her, she would have left him. But that doesn't matter any. B/c of the fact that my H has another addiction... the MB principles can't work with him, unless he were to admit to his addiction (sexual), and then seek help. I don't think he'll do either. He's too deep in denial, and the fog. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Princess0413: Thanks to you too. Me and the boys are doing great, and will continue to do so. I'm feeling so much more at ease now, especially since the move FINALLY took place. The burdens that were lifted from my shoulders since I decided to leave my H.... well... I can't even begin to describe how much better I feel, how much more "free" I am now.

looking for you 2223: There is NOTHING you can do to stop your H from wanting to look at those dreadful (and ILLEGAL!!!) images. It's all him. The best you can do is to protect yourself and your children. What you do, is up to you, based on where you are at emotionally right now. If you're not ready to take action (of any sort), then you're not going to make the best of it.

What have you found? Pictures? Stories? On the computer? Whatever it is, you have a LEGAL responsibility to turn it in to the police. At least call them and file a report of your awareness of it's presence. That way, you're at least protecting YOURSELF from some possibly terrible repercussions should the authorities know it's there. Child porn is CHILD ABUSE. There's no ifs, ands, or buts about it. You MUST tell the police. Please call them. And please let us know what you've decided to do, and how you are doing.

If you are uncomfortable contacting the police directly, then perhaps you'd rather talk to your local "children's aid" office? Then they could be the ones to contact the police, and at least you would know that you've done your part.
Karen

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 07:22 PM: Message edited by: Topie25 ]</small>