Hi I'm new here and as my name might indicate I've been married for just over 20 years. First please forgive my spelling, as it might get bad.
I found out about a month ago that my w is having an EA with her high school boyfriend from 23 years ago. She found him about 10 months ago via the internet and says the fell madly back in love. He also tells he that he loves her and as it turns out he is a preacher that lives in anoter state. He says that he loves his kids and can't leave them so they say that they know that they can't be together. When I found out I tried to get her to break it off but she would not even disscuss breaking it off with him she said that if she did she would die. She told me that if Icontacted him that he would stop talking to he and that we would be over for sure. We have 3 children ages 10 11& 15 I don't want them to go through a divorce but I don't know what to do she doesn't want me to leave but dosn't want to work on our marriage either. She says that she dosen't think she ever loved me like she shoud have. Should I just accept this and move on with my life Or is there any hope that she could love me as much as this OM. I think that the only reason that she want me to stay is for financal reason and the kids. She takes depression meds also and I don't know how much that effects her thinking.I was never the best at meeting her EN's but I have come a long way over the last year at understanding what EN's really are. But is it to laaate or did I never have a chance in the first place. Thanks for any info. P.S. me 42 she 40

20years,

You are doing good if you have identified her EN's and have been working on meeting them. The idea is to be the best person you can be and cause her to fall back in love with you. I don't think she is in "love" with other man, but rather she is probably infatuated and thinks she is in love.

What she said about not loving you is standard WS fog talk when they are in the throes of an addiction. You are basically dealing with a teenage mentality here that will most likely blow over. You just have to take steps to attract her back to you, which can be acheived by meeting all the needs that made her fall in love with you in the first place. Are you in counseling?

A good article about Plan A/B.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html

It is never too late. remember she is in a fog right now. I watched my in-laws go through the same thing with her first husband. It is all about plan A right now for you.
You recognize that you haven't been the best at meeting her emotional needs, that is a great first step. Wayward spouses live in a fantasy land and right now it may feel like you can't compete. Now is the time to meet those needs as best as you can. Avoid lovebusters. Read everything you can find on this site. Post when you are feeling unsure and let us guide you through this difficult time. There is strength in numbers and knowing other people have gone through the same helps you to not feel so alone.
Don't give up hope right now. You 2 can make it through this.
Hugs
Layli

This board is fantastic for help, read all you can. I know the situation well. How would you like your inlaws pushing the relationship with the OM as well! Been there done that. Plan A all the way, and watch your kids. I posted on this under another topic, but she is in reliving my old life fog. It is hard to stop this, (old days, good feelings) but you can control by a strong Plan A.

He may try to win the kids over, that was my biggest hurdle. Keep them away, If they ask mommy to see him because he is "nice" you will have even a harder time. and i mean the telephone too.

These so called "old Friends" are a killer on a marriage. My Om is a bum, you wonder what the hell they even see in them. But becareful with attacking them, because you a tarnishing up your W early years. I agree with looking back at what won your wifes heart over this OM and try to recreate this for your W. Old pictures of you and her to relive is good too. Go on a ski trip or to the islands, go shopping with her, Make love unit deposits, and hope she drifts out of the fog. good luck.

Once again, so much for "preachers."

How far away is he?

ditto the other responses.

I'll add that you should not contact him to avoid this obvious love buster to your wife. BUT, if he's close and/or you suspect they may plan to meet, I suggest you initiate contact with him AND his church AND his wife and shine the bright light of day on this thing. That'll throw a bucket of water on his flame immediately.

This will likely burn itself out pretty quick. Then the work starts. Even if your wife won't immediately participate, get into counseling ASAP and start fixing your contributions to the problems.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She takes depression meds also and I don't know how much that effects her thinking. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I concur with the other posters advise but realize that people like your W, that suffer from depression, are especially vulnerable to falling into destructive habits like drug and alcohol abuse and A's, as a way of self medicating themselves. Did her behavior change dramatically after she started taking her anti-depressant medicine?

Thanks for the replies. OM is many states away so I don't think the have met although she did go away for 6 days to the mountains by her self jst to get away she said. She came home no different than when she left I had hoped she would come home wanting to work on our marrige but she didn't. My mother inlaw has been great to me and is someone I can talk to. She can't beleve what her daughter is doing. W and OM never broke up as teenagers her step father was in airforce and they had to move away and lost touch afterwords. I don't know if I even blame he if she really loved him all along. But I do hate the deception over al these years. Although she used to tell me how much she loved me more than I could ever know. I'm afraid she migh do somthing like kill herself if I try to get her to stop talking to OM. Because her grandmother tooher on life afte seperation from her husband. People have always said she is just like her grandmother. And she also battles depression which could have been caused from her losing OM al though years ago although for the first 10 years of our marriage she didn'ttake meds. As is often the case I'm sure with other men when I found out about OM I had an angery outburst and told her I would kep the kids and she would have to leave. And now she says she want tell me anything else and being inth dark is eating me alive. She says shejust wants me to leave her alone about this and not try to talk about it and fix it. I don't no how long I can stay here and not bring it up. I love her and could forgive her but if she will never love me back am I just wasting our time? Sorry for going on and on but it fills good to know that others are in the same boat with me that i'm not alone. She is not interested in counsling because she went afte her mothers second divorce it only made her fill worse ( telling her how bad her childhood was etc.)

20 - I suggest you get some professional advice. Your wife may have deeply rooted issues that are beyond the standard fare here. Regradless, Plan A cannot possibly hurt either one of you in the meantime. Look deeply within yourself and try to identify whatever faults you brought to the marriage. Until you get professional advice otherwise, handle her with kid gloves.

Good luck and vent here, not to her.

WAT