Divorce paperwork today really struggled. Dont want divorce but it is happening as i see no alternatives.

Called my W in a state and asked her to work on us. Put was too upset to really talk, she just thought I was calling to have a go. She's not willing to work on us because I have hurt her so much particularly with my last two LB's.

I texted her later tonight apologising for the LB's and asked her to work on it. She doesn't want it, that she has decided not come home, that I am putting her on a yo yo and it's killing her. She just asked me to let her go. So damn hard this is.

How could something that was so good go so badly wrong? It's all me again thats the problem <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

She needs the divorce and needs me to leave her alone.

Neil.

<small>[ January 22, 2003, 05:23 PM: Message edited by: Porsche 4Sale ]</small>

Neil unfortunately you can not reason with someone who may be mentally ill like your stbxww. Sadly she'll probably crash and burn until she finally realizes what she has done and lost.

What's important right now, is that you take care of Neil because your little girls depend on you and it would be tragic if you weren't there for them. Have you seen a doctor lately for a prescription of anti-depressants? I humbly suggest you do because they can help you tremendously. They did wonders for me when I was going thru my own hell a few years back.

Peace be with you.

Neil,
We care but you need to talk to someone locally that can sit with you and go over things until you are OK. Is there a friend you can call or visit?

I wish something I could say would really help with this, I wish we could make things better. Right now I am worried about you, please let us know how you are doing often.

SS

Thanks TMCM I have come off the Anti D's as they were making me ill, whilst I was fine on them late last year, this year I was having cold sweats and feeling like a zombie on the same ones same level.

Have come off them now, and don't really want to go back on them. Feel like a failure for not making this M work, feel like a failure to my kids, feel like a worthless man - 5 OM for christ sake, feel like I haven't done enough to try and get her back, yet nothing I do is right for her, is good enough for her or belittling enough to get over her hurt and her resentment towards me.

The feelings you are having are natural, but they are not real. Oh, there is almost always some basis in fact for all our fears. But don't let one percent ruin you.

Neil, you really can come out of this in good mental health. You have the will to do it. I believe you know you do.

SS

SS,thank you my friend, yes I am hurt and in pain but do not worry about me. I won't be doing anything stupid, I will be ok.

Didn't expect to feel like this at all. Then again she clearly feels nothing of the sort so that is another hurt to me. It's stuff like that like Redhat said that will force me not to care. I will probably wake up tomorrow (its midnight here) and say "**** It" and sign her away like she wants.

Neil my xWW probably had more PA's than I can count and I know exactly how you feel since that's how I too felt at the beginning of her long slide downward. Until I came to the full realization that it was she that had made the choices to have her PA's, not me, and I slowly began to stop blaming myself for her self destructive behavior. Initially it didn't take away any of the pain, but with time, medicine, and counseling I did eventually recovered and moved on with my life. Nobody is perfect Neil, and love busting our WS is often times a normal reaction to the pain they have put us thru, but we are not responsible for the choices they make. You must remember that you can not force your WW to be a loving, caring human being because that is HER choice, not yours. So please, don't blame yourself for the present situation your WW finds herself in, because she made the choice to be in it.

I know TMCM, but when I look at my daughters who are going through so much and had such a rough time at Therapy it tears at the heart.

I when I remember the things I have seen my W do to herself and what I have kept her from doing it tears again. And I am so afraid that down the line she will realise that it was a big mistake and this family, this M and more importantly her & I were broken apart because there was not enough trying.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">And I am so afraid that down the line she will realise that it was a big mistake and this family, this M and more importantly her & I were broken apart because there was not enough trying.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep, that is definetely a possibility and one that my exW finally realized after she crashed and burned and got into therapy. Even though I tried my best to persuade her to work on the M (considering I did not even know about MB and Dr Harley), she steadfastly refused. Now that I'm divorced, have moved on and I'm engaged to be married to a wonderful woman later this year, it is she that has been pleading with me to give her another chance to come back, but my love for her has totally died and I do not want to ever again go thru the hell she put our daughters and me thru. In time you too will move on and it will be she that will have to live with the choices she made.

Porsche -- It is disturbing when you feel like a failure after trying so hard. You know you are not a failure, but it is deflating to put so much energy into trying to help without being able to see the results. I believe personally that while your WW may not be moving home and recovering your M that you have succeeded in helping your daughters and probably have helped your WW in some way. You cannot help somebody that does not truly want to help themselves. This is the hard lesson I am learning and it makes me feel helpless sometimes. I hear it in your posts.

You posted to me when I felt as if I had failed when WH started talking about a D and I want to give you your same advice back - failure would have been not trying. Failure would be hanging on to anger and bitterness that would ultimately destroy you and your daughters. I'm not saying that you are hanging onto these things, but it is a risk we all face after everything that has happened.

Letting go after years of protecting is hard (and is a constant struggle for me but I'm getting better at it) and it is clear that it is very hard for you to let go despite all of the pain.

Thanks all, I know I have to move on, go back to Plan B, look after me, look after the girls. hell I will probably just sign the damn form and get it out of the house. But it feels like such a stupid loss, she sees nothing, feels nothing, hell she even doesn't seem to care about how the girls feel. They were devastated when she didn't pick them up today like she promised.

It's so exhausting it is unreal.

Neil, I am sorry to see you posting in such distress. Today was bound to be a bad day-the paperwork for the decree nisi makes you face it in cold hard legal English.

Neil, we at MB know and Christine knows in her heart that you have done more than most to try and make it work,and she has not been receptive. You cannot and must not blame yourself any more.

Maybe signing will give you the push you need to start mentally recovering. Don't lose it now-you have been doing well with your girls-their first counselling session came at a bad time but you CAN deal with it.

keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

Deluded

Hey Porsche - you certainly don&#8217;t need to feel like a failure or blame yourself. You cant make your wife change, neither are you responsible for her actions. Only she can. And currently, she is refusing, and it's grinding you down. I mean, you can lead a horse to the water, but it still has to drink itself, right? Focus on your top 3 key priorities which should be: 1) look after kids 2) look after Neil and 3) sell that Porsche and buy something nice instead!

Neil-

I've followed your story for quite some time and am so sorry that things have come to this. I know from personal experience how difficult it is when the time to divorce actually arrives. Even though you know it's coming, going through all the legal motions is VERY difficult when you don't want it to happen. I have to commend you on the lengths you've gone to save the M AND protect those precious children at the same time. I suspect you know it already but they'll be a big reason why you get through this and find happiness again. Just take care of yourself and those children and things will get better. And try not to beat yourself up thinking about what might have been if only she'd tried...If she gets the help she needs, who knows what the future holds? Good luck with all of this and keep us posted.

Neil, I too have followed your posts. I don't post much but have gone throught the very same things you are. My D was 4 months ago and sometimes I still want to blame myself up but in the end she has got to want it also. I do beleive things happen for a reason. This time of difficul;y has brought me closer to God and strengthened my relationship w/Christ - the only thing that has got through to this point. I'm not healed yet but have finally realized that unless my x wants to try that nothing is going to happen. I was strong, happy and loved life before I met my x and you know what, I have the strentgh to be whole again. It will take time I know and it will for you as well but always know that you will be ok. As the others have said, you have so much to be thankful for if you can just stand back and see it. Keep faith, as I do, that perhaps someday she will allow herself to feel again and that God will soften her heart and make it possible for her to forgive. Trust in Him. Yes, it takes two to make a M work. Start looking after yourself, you cannot be the parent your daughters need if you continue to take all the blame. This will keep you at square one which is not good. Each time I start to feel sorry for what could have been I just say to myself that this is her choice and I cannot change that. The problems in my 12 yr. M were not insurmountable either. It was all about her and what she wanted. I am seeing things a little clearer now and you will again to. Grieve, but then regain your confidence in yourself. Your stbx will eventually see this and may begine to be attracted again. Give it time and space and improve youreslf. You can do it. Keep your head up.

Thank you everyone for your kind comments. I have been much better today.

I looked at our children last night whilst they were sleeping and it reminded me of last summer when my W was just out of hospital, and the Gardner was now her source of help and attention rather than me.

She commented that she wasn't sure that she *really* loved the children, that she knew that part of her did but she also felt that she could leave them and that they would be ok, that they would not miss her *that* much.

I remember thinking it was a bizarre thing to say, but also worrying and of course somewhat understandable given that she had been ill. Last night after I had spoken to her and got her texts I realised that now they are my future and they do depend on me, and that no I was not going to let them down.

They have been scared these last few days with talk from stbx that they will go live with her and I wonder in part if this is also why I have been so low, am I fearful of this? Are the threats that come to me making me feel this way?

These things plus all the trying and hurting I have done since the New Year, the death threat calls I get in the middle of the night, and the sheer harrowing things that I have seen and the girls have seen takes such a toll. It would be easier in truth perhaps to try again. But there is no feeling there in her, no remorse, no guilt, in fact it is I keeping *her* on the yo yo and I am killing her in her words. Like she says she is a stranger to herself.

Well it's made me angry. I see it as cruel, I see it as rather sickening and manipulative. Redhat told me that I would begin to feel like this and yet I did not believe him. I am beginning to feel this way now.

I am beginning to think about what to do, emotionally, mentally, financially in order to rebuild my family of 4. We have a long way to do, the girls and I.

She wants it, her freedom, and that's not just from me, it's from the children too. Once again they cried because they weren't picked up at lunch yesterday when they were promised, and it's me that picks up those pieces.

Well I am now going to take it all at face value, I have given everything she has wanted. I am beginning to wonder if it all has been a sham, that the abuse did not exist, that this was just about what she wanted. I feel she has made her choices. I have never had a say in those this past year, and I have never really had a chance.

Now I have a chance. I have a chance to put so much pain behind me and find someone who wants me for who and what I am, and what my children are. I need to do "normal" after so long of "abnormal".

I have instructed the Solicitor to file the divorce papers. We are thinking around March 16th'ish it will be done.

Neil.

Neil,

About your children, make sure they are taken care of, get a nanny to help you out. The most important is their stability. They need to keep their schedule and don't change it at all. They could bounce back very quick but you have to be the strong one to lead them. You don't need to tell them that WW is bad one, they know already and they are hurting. In short, just keep the way it was minus WW. You could only add activities not subtract them.

There is no perfect plan A and there is no pefect plan B. We only could fine tune it the best we could.

-rh-

It is certainly cruel and manipulative behaviour-most WS's are at some stage towards the BS.
You sound stronger today and are using your anger as a means to drive you forward rather than an anchor to weigh you down.

Keep moving forward.
I look at my dying mother and at all her 7 children caring for her and realise that she is fortunate to have such a close family to care for her. My father helps too-but even if he wasn't here she would be well cared for and loved.

Your girls will always have such a close bond with you ,Neil,
take care,
Deluded

Neil,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I am beginning to wonder if it all has been a sham, that the abuse did not exist, that this was just about what she wanted. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The abuse was there, your W has decided to stay in denial, This is how I thought about my whole marriage, untill I found out about the abuse. It is hard not to revert back to old way's sometime.

Tommorrow will come, just as yesterday has, your life will not implode, you will survive, as will your children, you can do it.

<small>[ January 23, 2003, 09:14 AM: Message edited by: Drednosilence ]</small>

Thanks all, am better today, just moving forward towards having a peaceful weekend. Girls have been very good and helpful around the house, although a complete inability to put clothes away is prevalent in all of us.

Am looking to see if I can get some weekends away for me and also for the girls so that we can have some fun and am trying to make some time available for me. That is the awkward thing at the moment.

Best Wishes Neil.